Pregnant and husband doesn't want the baby

[PinkElephant7]

I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second child and DH doesn't want it. We've been together for 7 years and our son is 2 1/2. It isn't the ideal time but I'm 41 so conscious this is my last chance. We haven't been using protection and I wasn't concerned because I'm fine about having another child. We tried last year because I wanted to but it didn't happen for us then. I had accepted the fact that it wasn't going to happen and then it did but DH is adamant that he doesn't have the patience for another and won't be able to cope. What to do?!! He refuses to take responsibility and thinks that a termination is no big deal. My instinct is to tell him to get lost and I'll do it alone but of course that breaks up the family we currently have. I also don't have family that can help or much of a support network locally so I feel like he has left me without much choice!

So many men say they don't want another baby but once it's born I'm sure he'll come round since you already have a child. I know so many men in families with two or more who say they didn't even want the first one yet are fantastic dads now. It will be difficult for a few more years though, sleep, finances, work - be prepared for that! Like you say, your husband hasn't been taking steps himself to not get you pregnant so it's half his responsibility. I wanted a second child and my husband insisted on using condoms to stop me getting pregnant again, which I never did, and letting him talk me into this is something I will eternally regret.

I would lay it on the line.

I would say to him, “you know that sex makes babies so don’t insult my intelligence by saying you didn’t know. We had one baby so you know how it’s done. Now, I’m keeping this baby so you’re involved whether you like it or not. So either you accept that you will spend the rest of this child’s life paying maintenance and having a relationship with it, because I refuse to let you have a relationship with one child and not the other so it’s all or nothing, or you grow the fuck up and be a parent in the full sense of the word.”

@Dddccc

Sorry but it was down to both of them to sit down and discuss unprotected sex not just up to the man its the woman too, everything should always be discussed op wants the baby he does not think he will cope so expressing his opinion which according to mn is shit and he is taking the piss, what you both need to do is discuss the next steps not well he should of had the snip as op could have alway been taking the pill, so basically you 2 need to sit down like adults and decide between you what you both want ask him why he thinks he can't cope and find solutions between you, it could be due to alot of factors money, stress, job loss potential, or like me my dh does not want another one because I nearly died in child birth so many reasons but its down to the 2 grown ups to sit down and talk about it

I get that. We weren't trying anymore. We had agreed that we wouldn't not try. He knew full well I wasn't using birth control so I thought he was on the same page as me and we would accept it if it happened. It isn't a great time for me now but abortion isn't in line with my values so not sure I can do it and very annoyed with him for being so unsupportive now given that we were 2 consenting adults knowing the risk.

@Dddccc

Sorry but it was down to both of them to sit down and discuss unprotected sex not just up to the man its the woman too, everything should always be discussed op wants the baby he does not think he will cope so expressing his opinion which according to mn is shit and he is taking the piss, what you both need to do is discuss the next steps not well he should of had the snip as op could have alway been taking the pill, so basically you 2 need to sit down like adults and decide between you what you both want ask him why he thinks he can't cope and find solutions between you, it could be due to alot of factors money, stress, job loss potential, or like me my dh does not want another one because I nearly died in child birth so many reasons but its down to the 2 grown ups to sit down and talk about it

I think we could afford a nanny but then he says what's the point if someone else is looking after them.

Well, your H felt entitled to enjoy himself while absolving himself of any contraceptive responsibility and now assumes that you will bow to his coercion to terminate.

Considering his current attitude plus what you’ve previously written, he sounds like a nasty piece of work. Just last month you described him as a manipulative, passive-aggressive stonewaller who refuses to discuss your issues and rarely accepts responsibility in a conflict. He is also not invested in offering you support when you need it, which he is again demonstrating with the issue at hand.

What kind of father humiliates his little toddler by calling him ‘disgusting’ when he has an accident? What type of person acts like an ‘arse’ when thinking that his DS might have red hair and has actually made hurtful remarks to his own red haired nephew? What kind of man bullies the family pet and why have you allowed this cruelty to continue? Besides the inhumanity of it, what a terrible thing for your child to witness and learn from. In fact, your H sounds like a terrible role model in general.

He is the disgusting one and if he were my H, he would be out asap, and I would make a wonderful life with my two children.

So you wanted a second child so much that you risk breaking what you've already got for that wish?I don't understand really. What was so bad about just having one child?

I haven't read your previous thread as alluded to above, but now think even more strongly why bring a second child into what seems a toxic situation?

Leave and make sure you take the dog, why are you allowing an animal to suffer cruelty?
I’m sorry but you’re not covering yourself in glory here; staying with a ‘man’ who abuses your dog and belittles a toddler?
Have some decency and protect your existing child and your dog from this vile thug.

In my opinion it is up to the woman to be in control of contraception as it is her body that is directly impacted by conceiving carrying and bearing a child. So just assuming a male partner 'is on the same page' is a risky assumption isn't it? Women need to take care of themselves not trust others to do so for them.

Regardless of your decision to keep the child, you need to leave your H.

And take the dog. You are complicit in its abuse if you stay.

@joystir59

In my opinion it is up to the woman to be in control of contraception as it is her body that is directly impacted by conceiving carrying and bearing a child. So just assuming a male partner 'is on the same page' is a risky assumption isn't it? Women need to take care of themselves not trust others to do so for them.

Really? So men should get to have unprotected sex with no consequences because 'it's up to the woman'? This man knew perfectly well what the consequences of sex could be. He's not an idiot or a child; he doesn't get to be absolved of responsibility because he won't be the one carrying the pregnancy.

This is your chance to make a choice about your life moving forward. There is nothing stopping him leaving you once you've had an abortion.

What an absolute pig. He'd rather you went through the trauma of a termination than put a condom on.
I'd chuck him out and keep the baby. I wouldn't forgive that.

But they both seemed to assume that because she didn't get pregnant while they were trying to, that they couldn't. A bit of reading about the gradual decline of fertility as the woman gets older might have been sensible, but otherwise it seems they both took the view that there wasnt a chance of it. So both responsible.

However life frequently doesn't go to plan and a couple that worked as a team would support each other over this and come to a mutual decision. That's the real problem here - they / he can't do that.

“I think we could afford a nanny but then he says what's the point if someone else is looking after them.”

That’s just ridiculous. Does he think working parents don’t parent? There’s a well-known saying that it takes a village to raise a child. It’s socially very natural for other caring adults to share in the care of a child - that’s what’s been done for millennia. And what about when they go to school in any case? The period where a child might be with their parents 24/7 is quite short in the scheme of a whole life anyway. This isn’t a reason not to have children.

He has a say in all this and ultimately it's also his child, but it's you op, that has the final say .

You can keep the baby but you will probably end up going alone, either you'll leave immediately, or the relationship will probably break down and you will split later on down the line. Best case scenario is he'll accept the baby and it'll work out ok.

Or you terminate and try to live with this decision, maybe you will and it'll all be rosy, or maybe you won't and you'll end up regretting it and live with a man you dislike due to what happened, or you'll split.

@harknesswitch has expressed it really well. Unless he accepts the child, your relationship is likely to be severely damaged whether or not you have the baby, either because you are massively resentful of him or because he’s massively resentful of you. As a PP said, your relationship may break down in the future in any case for unrelated reasons. So in that case, I would be inclined to have the baby if I thought I could go it alone.

He knew you were not using contraception and a pregnancy was possible. He has no right to suggest a termination. There will also be an ideal gap between your children.

If you want the baby, have it. I daresay your partner is happy with things as they are right now and panicking. He'll come round.

From the OP's failure to mention how this pregnancy happened

Reading between the lines here

This sound like an "Oops!" pregnancy which has now backfired on the OP.

Otherwise mention would have been made as to how this accident occurred

Sometimes having what you want means risking what you have.

So he gets absolutely 0 say. not sure what age some of these posters are living in, he had a say before he chose to continue having unprotected sex with a woman he knew wasnt on birth control and wouldnt be upset if she fell pregnant. it seems it is only now he has decided he wouldnt be able to cope, and the reason he is now saying this is because he thought he was in the clear, as it didnt happen for them last year. tough luck buddy.

OP, like another poster put far better than I could, your relationship is going to be likely over or with some serious bumps in the road whichever path you take so you need to do what you want. An abortion can be really hard mentally and emotionally, and that's even when you've made the decision yourself and not felt pressured into it.

@joystir59 but OP has freely admitted that she wanted another baby, they were trying last year? he has now decided that he doesnt so surely it was his responsibility to do something about it if he felt so strongly? but of course, that would of required some effort on his behalf

@gutful

From the OP's failure to mention how this pregnancy happened

Reading between the lines here

This sound like an "Oops!" pregnancy which has now backfired on the OP.

Otherwise mention would have been made as to how this accident occurred

Sometimes having what you want means risking what you have.

She has literally said that they both knew there was no contraception in place

@gutful first of all, vile.

and second of all, OP wants/wanted a baby, he didnt. his responsibility because HE didnt want what could of been the outcome. he thought he in the clear because they didnt concieve last year. he is an idiot isnt he.