Pregnant and husband doesn't want the baby

[PinkElephant7]

I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second child and DH doesn't want it. We've been together for 7 years and our son is 2 1/2. It isn't the ideal time but I'm 41 so conscious this is my last chance. We haven't been using protection and I wasn't concerned because I'm fine about having another child. We tried last year because I wanted to but it didn't happen for us then. I had accepted the fact that it wasn't going to happen and then it did but DH is adamant that he doesn't have the patience for another and won't be able to cope. What to do?!! He refuses to take responsibility and thinks that a termination is no big deal. My instinct is to tell him to get lost and I'll do it alone but of course that breaks up the family we currently have. I also don't have family that can help or much of a support network locally so I feel like he has left me without much choice!

@MazekeenSmith Was the OP aware of her fertile window?

"I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second child and DH doesn't want it. We've been together for 7 years and our son is 2 1/2. It isn't the ideal time but I'm 41 so conscious this is my last chance"

To me this sounds like the OP wanted to become pregnant despite the circumstances not currently being great to conceive

Just not buying this one was a complete accident & shock. It sounds like it was secretly a bit wanted by OP?

That's just my interpretation.

[quote gutful]@MazekeenSmith Was the OP aware of her fertile window?

"I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second child and DH doesn't want it. We've been together for 7 years and our son is 2 1/2. It isn't the ideal time but I'm 41 so conscious this is my last chance"

To me this sounds like the OP wanted to become pregnant despite the circumstances not currently being great to conceive

Just not buying this one was a complete accident & shock. It sounds like it was secretly a bit wanted by OP?

That's just my interpretation.[/quote]
You can't secretly get pregnant by a man who is knowingly spunking in your vagina without contraception
OP may have wanted it but she didn't cause it.

@Sugarbelle Oh absolutely he is an idiot

My point is that knowing a partner doesn't want to conceive but still having the sex which can cause conception can't surely be such a shock that he is still not onboard with this 2nd pregnancy?

While it seems obvious that a pregnancy could occur it also seems obvious that he wouldn't be happy about it.

There is a cliche that "they will love it when baby is here!" but unfortunately that's not always true

@gutful don't be an idiot.

She wasn't pretending to be on the pill.

He couldn't be bothered to wear a condom. His problem.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I have similar discussion with my husband but it is me that is not keen on the idea of the second child. However, I know that once the child is here I would love it regardless. You need to sit together and make the plan if the child is here. Get the nanny and the cleaners if needed. The first year was extremely difficult as my baby didn't sleep at night and with no support network I found it draining and unable to function. (I wonder if you are my previous neighbours that had similar experience

Of course OP probably wanted it to happen. Hence why she wasn't worried about contraception.

To not want to have a baby but still have constant unprotected sex....now that is fucking stupid and ignorant and that is exactly what he DH is

@MazekeenSmith we don't know that he wasn't told her fertile window was over - no information about the night of conception has been given.

We also don't have clarity about what their agreement was - that they were still sort of trying or not? At the start the OP does say the time is not right, but then says they did want to become pregnant.

The lack of details leads me to believe there are likely 2 sides to this particular story.

He thought they were "safe" because they failed to conceive when they were actively trying.

He was wrong.

They were both taking the risk. Op was ok with that risk and continuing the pregnancy. He does not appear to have communicated that he was no longer ok with taking the risk and no longer happy to continue the pregnancy.

It appears he let that crucial information slide until she actually fell pregnant and is now trying to coerce an abortion.

Very irresponsible, low integrity behaviour - and seems to fit with the other glimpses we have if his character.

I'm saying if the OP, as she says did want to become pregnant & the partner didn't & they were using the "rhythm method" as its called, that could lead to a situation where trust was broken, in order to achieve a goal (i.e getting pregnant)

Usually when people have accidents they will provide details about how the accident occurred. This is absent in this post, which is why I question this situation.

*We weren't trying anymore. We had agreed that we wouldn't not try. He knew full well I wasn't using birth control "
What's the difference between 'trying' and just having sex with no contraception? Just different words for the same thing with the same potential outcome isn't it.

The OP isn't getting an abortion & am not suggesting she should.

Have had one & to have one you don't want would be incredibly traumatic.

Yes he will need to take responsibility for this decision to have unsafe sex

Am just saying if he had already vocalised not wanting a child before, then it can't be a shock that he isn't onboard now.

We also don't have clarity about what their agreement was - that they were still sort of trying or not?

They weren't using any contraception and he knew it.
He thought they weren't going to conceive again because of their apparent secondary infertility.

Also people fall pregnant outside their window sometimes incidentally.

And contraception can fail.

If you have sex at all but especially without barrier contraception; pregnancy is a possibility. He is a married man to boot ... He should man up and stop being a pathetic, immoral, selfish, irresponsible kid.

What's the difference between 'trying' and just having sex with no contraception?

Have you never ever tried to conceive?

That's the only way I can understand this question.

You say you tried last year but it didn't happen - it's very odd that he was OK with trying last year and hasn't asked to start using contraception, but now you're pregnant he decides he doesn't want it? That doesn't make any sense.

He shouldn't be pressuring you to have a termination. He knows you want a second child and was happy to try last year, so what has changed now? If you'd have got pregnant last year then what would he have done?

Maybe he's just freaking out a bit because it's now a reality, he might come around and I don't think you should ever have a termination at someone else's request - you will resent him for it.

if he had already vocalised not wanting a child before

He does not appear to have "vocalised" that - did he, op?

In any case any such vocalisation would have needed to be accompanied by corresponding action! Like condoms or vasectomy or op taking the pill or having an implant etc etc.

I don't believe op is lying about not having that discussion and about him knowing there was no contraception being used. Unfortunately there are enough of these men around to make this scenario entirely feasible. And it fits with the rest of his behaviour.

[quote gutful]@MazekeenSmith we don't know that he wasn't told her fertile window was over - no information about the night of conception has been given.

We also don't have clarity about what their agreement was - that they were still sort of trying or not? At the start the OP does say the time is not right, but then says they did want to become pregnant.

The lack of details leads me to believe there are likely 2 sides to this particular story.[/quote]
It doesn't matter if the fertile window was over! Jeez.

I think he thought they'd not conceived when actively trying and it was extremely unlikely to happen. He was happy to minimise the risk in his head until op fell pregnant and it all became real.

@MarshmallowAra

Oh and if make your own food and drink for the next while, I wish I was joking when I say I've seen numerous threads on a make dominated forum i used to frequent discussing putting abortifacients they get online in their pregnant partner's drinks etc.

I personally know a case like that, although the medication was found before he had a chance to use it. He would definitely have used it if required. He was also a condom refuser.

Where has this talk from gutful of the rhythm method come from - have I missed op saying that somewhere??

From what I read they were using nothing - including the rhythm method.

He wasn't honest or responsible or decent enough to say he no longer wants a baby, and clearly thought they'd not conceive if they didn't even they were actively trying.

That's not how it works but I know lots of couples, young and old, who got complacent when pregnancy did not result from unprotected sex for months and failed to take into account the effect of risk per month combined with "odds" ie the odds keep getting higher unless the female is releasing absolute no viable eggs or eggs at all.

Strange that men, who are often so find of betting, can't apply that to pregnancy risk. Maybe cause they're thinking with their dicks.

We weren't trying anymore. We had agreed that we wouldn't not try. He knew full well I wasn't using birth control so I thought he was on the same page as me and we would accept it if it happened

Can someone explain to me the difference between “weren’t trying anymore” and “wouldn’t not try”??? Are we just talking frequency? Or what you hoped might happen?

It seems “trying” is such a misleading word. Last year, you weren’t using contraception. This year, you also weren’t using contraception.

There was a dr who tried to use an abortifacients on his ow. Desperate people do desperate things & we need to be aware.

@gutful

The OP isn't getting an abortion & am not suggesting she should.

Have had one & to have one you don't want would be incredibly traumatic.

Yes he will need to take responsibility for this decision to have unsafe sex

Am just saying if he had already vocalised not wanting a child before, then it can't be a shock that he isn't onboard now.

Nobody said it's a shock that he isn't on board. Just saying that it's unbelievably pig headed to not be on board. When you have unprotected sex continuously with your wife who you KNOW is not on any form of contraception.

If he thought that the rhythm method (even though there is no mention of this in the OP) is a reliable form of contraception then he's even more stupid than I originally thought.

@Daisydoesnt

We weren't trying anymore. We had agreed that we wouldn't not try. He knew full well I wasn't using birth control so I thought he was on the same page as me and we would accept it if it happened

Can someone explain to me the difference between “weren’t trying anymore” and “wouldn’t not try”??? Are we just talking frequency? Or what you hoped might happen?

It seems “trying” is such a misleading word. Last year, you weren’t using contraception. This year, you also weren’t using contraception.

Have you never TTC?

Trying is generally cycle tracking, possibly with basal temperature or ovulation tests or other ovulation trackers, alongside sex within the recommended window, alongside possibly conception supplements etc.

Not trying in this context is clearly not doing any of the above but not using contraception.

I suppose it means not actively trying.

They both knew there was a risk - but he's the one who won't honour that risk , and with his wife to boot, not even a casual relationship. Disgusting.

Oh and it seems from his casual, cavalier attitude to abortion that he had that in mind as the back up plan - again something he apparently hasn't been clear to op about.