Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

Sahm don't you see? There is no choice here. She gives this man up they aren't going to suddenly become loving children grateful for her sacrifice. She's sacrificed her whole life and they are used to it. She's a domestic appliance to at least one of them. You and others are seeing this through the filter of a normal family where one parent has done something very wrong but fundamentally there's forgiveness and love and moving on. It's different when there's been an emotionally abusing snd dismissive husband treating her like nothing. Kids see that and they internalise those views. This isn't a normal situation. Whatever she does right now she's damned and letting them stick the knife in won't make them feel safe or loved.

i dont think youve got much choice except to just keep your relationship super low-key, at least for now. I think the relationship you have with your kids at this point is so important and fragile. You cant expect to integrate a new partner at this stage like you may have been able to do when they were much younger. Its asking too much

Are none of them suspicious that your exh met his long term partner within weeks of you affair being uncovered?

I think that their anger is focused on your partner because he’s the outsider and the actual catalyst that sped up the breakup. You should probably tell your kids that you planned to leave before meeting him and it wasn’t his fault.

It’s seems also a very messy way for the eldest to have found out. Which could be another part of the problem.

Affairs do often cause lifelong bitterness. I don’t really know what to advise there.

@AnneLovesGilbert

How old are they? Are any of them living at home and if so is that with you or their father?

You don’t have to break up with him but you’ll probably need to keep the relationships separate as much as you can. They have no right to phone you up to tell you off or rant at you for speaking to him, who do they think you are? Treating you with contempt is unacceptable. What does your ex think about their behaviour? Are they polite to his partner?

I think at this point you’re well within your rights to tell them you understand they’re unhappy about how the marriage ended and don’t currently want a relationship with your partner but you and their dad have both moved on and they have to be civil at the bare minimum. Put up with this sort of crap and they’ll never start treating you better.

👌

Pam with the greatest of respect your situation is an example of why she needs to put in boundaries. Your children are 'still not there yet' despite you doing nothing wrong. Have a look at that link, it's a sobering read www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Ravens mum makes an excellent point. What does it tell them about who you are if you can dump someone you supposedly love on their say so? Does that mean you could dump them too? Of course you couldn't.., but it's not teaching them anything good is it?

They are not the moral police. It is not love to allow them to dictate your adult life. Sorry but it's not.

Are none of them suspicious that your exh met his long term partner within weeks of you affair being uncovered?
I read it as him having met her a year and a half later?

Pam if this is the case it's utterly chilling Presumably she knows her children better than you do and thinks that they will just stop seeing her if she keeps seeing her partner.

This is unbelievable if true. Their own mother. Because they couldn't control her. It's abuse. I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you. I don't want you to be happy. I want you to suffer alone forever. This isn't hurt children it's far worse than that. Imagine how they will be as adults once they look back on this? Will they feel good about themselves? I was a pretty bad teen but this is another level. Is it really right for a mother to allow this? Gobsmacked anyone thinks it is. But then the way I see people talking about their own mums on here I guess it's just what happens. You get older and your kids don't want to know. Sad.

@HeartsAndClubs

It’s interesting that there are posters on here who would end a friendship if they found out that the friend had had an affair, or at the very least would think less of them. And yet a poster has an affair and leaves for that man and her children should get used to it?

OP, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve explained it to them. Fact is, you left their father for another man and now you’re expecting them to want a relationship with him.

While I agree that relationships do end and that sometimes those relationships end because of affairs, the fact is it was your choice to cheat on their father, and as such it is unreasonable to expect them to welcome the OM into their lives.

Continuing a relationship off the back of an affair is always going to be messy. FWIW I’m not judging the fact that you had an affair, but your decisions were inevitably going to influence your children, and let’s be honest, “we were unhappy for years” is often one of the oldest scripts in the book to justify infidelity.

I would say that even though your children will soon be adults, you do have to choose. Because if you want a continued relationship with them as adults and they refuse to have anything to do with your partner because of what he represents, there is a chance you will lose them, and even potential future grandchildren.

It’s good that you’ve left your marriage, but the way in which it happened has now left casualties behind. You need to decide whether he was actually worth all that.

Who are old enough to get over it pretty quickly I would imagine at that age. No 16+ should be dictating what a grown mother should be doing. Op a decent man is worth it and your ex partners being a typical ex partner with his resentment. I have never had an affair but life's to short and be happy Op.
16 yr old- this is the way it is 18 yr old- will get over it one day 20+ self centred more than likely You- deserve to be happy with who you are happy with. What is done is done and dad has moved on so why shouldn't you!

This isn't hurt children it's far worse than that.
That's true. It's children who have had a horrible childhood and are traumatised.

@ravenmum

Are none of them suspicious that your exh met his long term partner within weeks of you affair being uncovered? I read it as him having met her a year and a half later?

No he 'met' her literally straight after. Funny how he immediately agreed to a divorce and was all reasonable after a lifetime of being a prick too! Almost as if he had a plan..

But no, it's all her fault. Double standards snd misogyny alive and well on MN! Mums exist only as a vessel for everyone else to channel their lives through. They are not people and must give up any ideas of love or companionship or god forbid sex until their children no longer have a use for them. And that must only last until the children need a free babysitter. Then they must die young enough so that the inheritance can still be used when the children are able to enjoy it.

So from 55 or so till about 62 you can see this man. In secret. Then when the 24 year old has a baby you'll be needed and he must go. Then you need to pop your clogs before becoming an inconvenience. Around 75-80 is about right. You'll be expected to provide childcare right until the end. And no fancy holidays or spending on a retirement flat! God no! Think of the grandkids! Obviously looking at their photos will fill in those lonely nights. Obviously from now till when the youngest leaves uni you will be happy to exist without a life. Perhaps take up crochet? Or something useful for the kids like knitting!

No he 'met' her literally straight after.
Are you thinking of another thread? That's not what it says in the OP (sounds like it was between a year and a year and a half later).

All you can do now is continue to see you new man on their terms, and see him at times that don't hurt your children, at least until they start to accept you are a person in your own right with needs of your own. They can not dictate the rest of your life, but you just need to consider their feelings too.

Perhaps it's not abuse as such. It's emotional blackmail. And if you give into blackmailers they always want more...,

Part of becoming a well rounded adult is seeing your parents as people in their own right. Of course they don't like it. Dad dancing, mums getting tipsy, parents having love lives, and more challenging things like this - but good parents are confident enough to say 'this is who I am! I love you but I'm a person too!'

We as women should not be telling other women that they need to give up their entire lives for their children. You did say that she should probably stop seeing him. Then it was she might have to choose. With the dire consequences of no contact. Then it's I didn't have to choose even though mine arent perfect. But they might choose not to see her any more. Yours is not the most offensive comment on here by any means (not even close) so not having a go directly I just think as a woman we need to be a bit more supportive and empathetic to each other instead of giving our love only to our children.

The OP has had a very tough life. With a very difficult man. And now has very difficult children as a result. Allowing them to beat her into submission as the Op about the telling off she got from one is not by any measure ok. We only get one life as you well know. Living it vowed and miserable is wrong and telling others they should too is even worse.

IF they choose to go NC snd the youngest lives with dad they will soon realise the truth. They already know they just don't want to let go of the power.

@ravenmum I just did a see all posts for the OP snd it was buried in the middle
Sorry I can't see who asked now but the affair had been going on for approximately 9 months when I told my exH. A very specific set of circumstances meant if I was going to initiate the separation and be honest about the affair then that was the time. He met his partner a few weeks later and we physically separated a few months after that.

I think there was originally some confusion as the Op appears terrified of being outed. But having read sll her posts I'm going to say that the middle and older ones are where they are. The oldest has always been controlling. The middle one doesn't live with her at all. The youngest one will actually be fine.

He's soon to be away a lot so I suggest starting a 'new you' with your own friends and independence and gaining your confidence. Shifting the balance of power with your children - but nothing to do with him. Then when he's due back you're a lot more ready to introduce them. They see you as less of a doormat hopefully. Then not long after he's away again and you can rinse and repeat.

@Mintychocolate Thanks, I did look through but I missed it.

[quote ravenmum]@Mintychocolate Thanks, I did look through but I missed it.[/quote]
It was buried! Heartbreaking read though. What a horrid situation for someone who just does not deserve it.

@Mintychocolate , Thank you, your posts have restored my faith!
I was starting to despair at some of the awful comments on here about the OP having to effectively lay down her future for her adult children to manage!

The children haven't had it easy. They will have been affected by the restrictive atmosphere and their father's distance - that alone would be enough to traumatise many people. Then you grieving and thus not able to provide your usual stable support (though I am sure you tried) - a situation in which the other parent would normally step up for the children, but that wasn't going to happen. You breaking up was the final straw by the sound of it. They haven't been able to build up the resiilience they would have needed to cope with this.

Absolutely this. We're expecting a healthy response from young people who have been clearly damaged by their DF's emotional absence, the general atmosphere in the house, and then their DM's infidelity. Yes, a couple of them do sound very hard work, but I'm starting to see why. Emotionally healthy young adults would respond differently, but it could be that these young people simply don't have the wherewithal to respond as we think they should, and the OP would like.

Torres the problem is that infidelity is usually done TO mumsnet posters and often for not very good reasons. So it's emotional for people, or it's how they might feel if the husband they havent slept with for 3 years starts sleeping around.

No one wants to say 'maybe this is my fault too' and of course the second children are involved all reason goes out the window! It just saddens me that after years of being bullied the OP comes on here and gets more of the same. No mother should have to debase herself for her children. Those who say she should and who are mothers themselves amaze me. How is that ever healthy? To never allow your children the opportunity to see you as a person who deserves respect? Even if you are not perfect. This affair is probably what saved her. Maybe some would rather watch a woman get destroyed by her husband and children than watch her do what she can to stop that. But that's a bit 1950s for me. Love has to have limits.

And yes her children will kick off. Some more than others. But do you live your entire life doing what they want just to avoid that? Because one has threatened you that they will ensure the whole family doesn't talk to you if you go against their wishes?

That child needs help. Acting like that at 24 is pretty bloody dysfunctional.

No one has said OP can’t do what she wants. She can, absolutely she can. However, there’s likely to be consequences to that in regards to her children and potentially losing them completely. It really doesn’t matter if you think this is misogyny, or unreasonable, bullying etc, this is the reality OP is in, and she needs to decide what she can best live with.