Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

I am not one for poster bashing on here. I try to offer advice on personal insight and experience.

I think if my DM had been able to have a conversation with me in which she admitted how she had behaved and given me a heartfelt apology for how it had affected me it would have made all the difference. I would have been able to forgive her because she would have shown honesty and integrity.

Perhaps that is the way forward Op with your children. No blaming, no justifying. Just I made you feel this, because I did that and I am truly sorry.

@Dacquoise

I am not one for poster bashing on here. I try to offer advice on personal insight and experience.

I think if my DM had been able to have a conversation with me in which she admitted how she had behaved and given me a heartfelt apology for how it had affected me it would have made all the difference. I would have been able to forgive her because she would have shown honesty and integrity.

Perhaps that is the way forward Op with your children. No blaming, no justifying. Just I made you feel this, because I did that and I am truly sorry.

I've honestly done exactly that. And also to their father in case he needed to hear it again.

They know I do apologise when wrong, they know I mean it, they know I don't drag issues out and that I'm open to discussions on anything no matter how uncomfortable. Obviously this is very different which is why I apologised and tried to open those communication lines.

It appeared to fall on deaf ears, I didn't push it, just hoped they'd listened and some of what I'd said had sunk in.

I'm just going to keep my two lives separate.

Your kids are old enough to make up their own mind, from their point of view it looks like you broke up their family for your new partner and hurt their Dad. They will likely think you saying you were unhappy and planned to leave is an excuse to cheat. Maybe one day they will accept him but honestly I doubt it.

Then you have done all you can and hopefully time will heal all this. Keeping partner and family separate is a good idea. Good luck.

It's difficult. When I was 16 my DM had an affair and it ended her marriage to my DF. I didn't like the man she was with. It did cause problems however as I have grown up and had kids and lots has happened in between, I am glad she has this partner in her life. The children won't be children for ever, one day they will be away living their own lives. It's not an easy position to be in but I think they may need some help to accept your new partner so that you don't throw away your chance of happiness. They don't have to like him, but being civil and accepting the role he plays in your life is important. Took me a long time though!

"It appeared to fall on deaf ears, I didn't push it, just hoped they'd listened and some of what I'd said had sunk in."
OP I honestly think this is the right approach. Acceptance takes time. They will adjust but it won't happen with a few conversations.

@KidsDisapprove

Thank you again everyone.

When I said we are at the stage of living together, what I mean is we are talking about the next step which would be living together. It's definitely not imminent but I guess the incident with my eldest has really shocked me and made me question if this could ever happen, whether my youngest still lives with me part time or not.

My partner is on the verge of starting a new job where he will only be here for six months of the year in 2 week blocks, which is part of the reason we discussed living together at some point.

However this will have to wait clearly. I did want different perspectives and that's what I've got so I thank you all again.

I think I suppose I'm struggling to get my head round it if I keep them totally separate even if I wait two years until my youngest goes to uni, my partner will still be a stranger to them because they won't know him at all. Obviously I've never done this before but is that the norm? Even without the affair - if I'd met somebody and had a four year relationship with them with my children barely knowing they exist and then suddenly we live together? because if my children don't have anything to do with them then that also excludes him from every family occasion, so nobody in my life will know him except me and then suddenly we live together. To genuine question because obviously this wasn't an issue when I met my exH.

What’s really interesting OP, is that there is usually at least one thread running on MN with the reverse of this situation, I.e. the female MNer is seeing a man with DC who is keeping her apart from those (usually teen/young adult) DC.

The response is always unanimous, namely that the MNer shouldn’t settle for being kept as the man’s dirty little secret, she’s worth more than that, not healthy for the DC to rule their father’s life like this...etc...

Funny how you’re getting the opposite here.

My parents split up just before I was about to go to uni, ostensibly due to the discovery of my mum’s affair. I was extremely, horribly judgmental of my mother. I got over it in a couple of years and feel embarrassed now. You are very black and white in you’re thinking when you’re a teenager. Also I realised that my Dad was no saint either. See your children without your partner for the time being, they’ll get over themselves.

@GreenWillow

What’s really interesting OP, is that there is usually at least one thread running on MN with the reverse of this situation, I.e. the female MNer is seeing a man with DC who is keeping her apart from those (usually teen/young adult) DC.

The response is always unanimous, namely that the MNer shouldn’t settle for being kept as the man’s dirty little secret, she’s worth more than that, not healthy for the DC to rule their father’s life like this...etc...

Funny how you’re getting the opposite here.

I've seen those kind of threads and the difference is...this relationship started as an affair. That cannot be be brushed over like it doesn't change how the DC feel.

Totally different situation when it started as an affair - this dp can't complain he's treated like a dirty little secret when he was deliberately just that. And he's not a secret now; that's kind of the problem!

People have been saying that the children shouldn't rule OP's life. They've just also been saying that she should be considerate to them and acknowledge how they feel.

At 16,18 and 25, they are certainly old enough to understand that you're a person in your own right as well as their parent.

Telling you that you must end a relationship purely because they don't like it is childish, are they expecting you to remain single and penitent forever in order to be acceptable to them while they merrily go visiting with their dad and his new partner? That's not how family works.

It's none of their business, you're a grown woman. Why are you even discussing it with them? You can spend time with whoever you like. I'd they don't want anything to do with him that's their choice and it's ok but I'd shoot down any discussion of him with your kids.

Totally different situation when it started as an affair - this dp can't complain he's treated like a dirty little secret when he was deliberately just that. And he's not a secret now; that's kind of the problem!

Exactly.

It's their right not to approve of him, accept him, or want anything to do with him.

Had the marriage ended, before you started a new relationship, they still may not have been thrilled, but you'd have more of a leg to stand on.

What's happened has happened, but sadly the consequences won't just disappear.

Maybe in years to come they'll feel different...maybe not.

Your eldest is behaving terribly. If she doesn't want to meet him, that's fine. But her opinion on what others will do is unnecessary & just aimed to hurt you.

It's also not up to her to tell you who you can & can't talk to.

It sounds like the younger two would be ok if the eldest wasn't stirring the pot.

Stop letting her dictate what you do. She's old enough to behave better

Middle loves full time with dad as such bad feeling against me

Assume middle lives with your Ex H. If the feelings are still heightened then you need to give it time. Don't work to your timeframe , work to theirs.

Btw, well done for hearing from posters and taking the feedback on board. It is also a good example of how damaging affairs are to families. It matters to children how parents behave and they will have black and white thinking. Children may love their parents but it doesn't mean they like them or respect them.

Candyfloss99

This is why you should leave when you want to and not "stay for the children". All it ever does is cause resentment

Some of us really can't 'leave for the children' when we want to, and need to find a way to solve the feelings that come from that, rather than getting the same tired old response to this issue on mn.

So I really do feel for you OP. My situation is similar, although not exactly the same. But some of the responses are so harsh - it's as if people can't imagine any other kind of life beyond their own 'ideal world'.

But what about when a marriage is dead in the water (just because it's a mismatch, not for anything awful like DV) and marriage partner A meets another person and falls in love, and confesses it to marriage partner B while DC are still at primary school (because marriage partner A doesn't want to deceive anyone) but marriage partner B still wants marriage partner A to stay 'for the children' while the DC grow up, regardless of the affair, even while knowing that the affair will continue (and has - in the present day - now continued for nearly 8 years). Meanwhile, the DC have grown up to teenagers.In mumsnet world this never seems to happen, or be an option.

But - in the middle of all of this - marriage partner A has no job, no independent means of earning, and no independent access to housing (not in the UK - not everywhere in the world has the UK options...) or access to any state financial support, so has to rely on what marriage partner B earns/shares (and has willingly continued to do so because marriage partner B still doesn't want to 'split up', affair or no affair on their partner's behalf).

So there's no financial abuse, just an inability for marriage partner A to earn enough money in their own right to house themselves where they live, but can't leave because of the DC.

So, OP, not everything is as simple as mumsnet world makes out so please remember that you are a person who can be happy too, no matter what that takes. There are huge degrees of grey between 'happily married' and 'marriage not working = divorce'. And some people really do need advice of how to 'sell' this odd kind of arrangement to their teenage children, knowing that it's never going to change, knowing that marriage partner A will always have to stay married to marriage partner B because financially there is no way around that if they want to stay in the same country as their DC, and yet marriage partner B condones marriage partner A having 'someone special in their life' and wants the children to understand that (both boys, if that makes any difference).

I'm not sure any of that makes much sense to most pp on mn, but it's my life nonetheless, and I really do think the OP needs to go and grab her chance of happiness because there are worse things that happen at sea, and DC can (and should be able to) understand that life isn't always simple.

Sorry, that's long. I NC for this, so will not use this name again. Just wanted the OP to know someone is on her side.

This is not about whether or not any of us here can imagine OP's life. Its about whether her own children can empathise with her - they are clearly struggling to do so, and people are explaining why. That necessarily involves painting a pretty negative picture of what the kids might be thinking.

Assuming that everyone else just thinks in black and white is not exactly a nuanced view...

I don’t think you would be choosing him over them at all if you continue your relationship with him - you aren’t rejecting them, you are just refusing to be controlled by them.

My daughter is 8, and she fully accepts my exH’s girlfriend, who was his affair partner. She knows relationships are complex and people have reasons for what they do. I think teenagers should be capable of making this mental leap.

In fact, I would go so far as to say I think you would be teaching them a bad lesson if you give in to their desire for you to finish with him. They need to learn tolerance, understanding and kindness, not judgement, bitterness and vengeance.

They don’t have to like him, obviously. But they should be polite, to you and him.

[quote SandyY2K]**@GreenWillow

What’s really interesting OP, is that there is usually at least one thread running on MN with the reverse of this situation, I.e. the female MNer is seeing a man with DC who is keeping her apart from those (usually teen/young adult) DC.

The response is always unanimous, namely that the MNer shouldn’t settle for being kept as the man’s dirty little secret, she’s worth more than that, not healthy for the DC to rule their father’s life like this...etc...

Funny how you’re getting the opposite here.

I've seen those kind of threads and the difference is...this relationship started as an affair. That cannot be be brushed over like it doesn't change how the DC feel.[/quote]
It’s a fair point, but how long should that be allowed to run for?

Does punishing OP in perpetuity really benefit anyone in the long run?

How about everyone just accepts that things are the way the are and gets on with it?

.. Just to throw a curve ball, I know of a man who was utterly miserable in his loveless marriage & left his wife,, did all the right things, left her the house, payed for DD. (14yrs approx), there was not an OW, he lived alone in a shitty apartment for about 6 years.
His daughter never forgave him, & hasn't spoken to him since,
So you will never know whether they would have forgiven you for leaving, whether on not there was an OM.
(He finally has met & happy with a new gf. )
Whether you end it with this man now or not, how do you know if they will forgive you ?
I wonder if the damage is done, & if he makes you happy, enjoy it.
your X is with another woman now, it's not like you will patch it up.

Your eldest should not be holding you emotionally hostage...

Yes they can be cross with you ...but they'd already left home...
Shouldn't they be focused on their own life now their in their 20's?

Are they always a bully? As they can't dictate who sees you or not..for the extended family who made them in charge..

Don't panic and catastrophise sounds like it's all getting a bit dramatic.....you probably need an adult conversation with your oldest..about what their remit in life is.....they don't control you...did they learn that from your relationship with their dad? you are less than them and not entitled to a life??? Maybe some joint counselling maybe useful..

Keep in contact with your middle and just be there for them and support your youngest ..

You fucked up but its not a life sentence ..
Extended family...well you can't control how people react to the situation...and accept for some it will be an issue ...others it may take time...

Your children are entitled to their opinion and their feelings may be valid. If they were primary age you would definitely need to put them first. However two are now adults and one is 16. Hold off moving in until they're 18. But apart from that you'll have to accept they don't like your decision and learn to live with it. I wouldn't give up someone I love for adult children. The only exception to this is if they have concerns about how he treats you. In the real world relationships are complicated, especially when we're older and it's not always a case of meeting someone at the right time

How about everyone just accepts that things are the way the are and gets on with it?
Do you think OP should say to her children, who already think she's unreasonable and have very strong feelings about her partner, "Look, just accept that this is how things are"?
Surely that would make them feel even angrier.

In your situation I would continue to see my partner separately from my children and not consider living together until they've left home or understand and accept the situation.

Is your oldest DC is a chip off her father's block. ?