Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

It’s not like they are 6/8 & 15 though?

You’ve spent enough of your life harbouring resentment. Surely this will lead to more of that feeling if you end this relationship where you’ve actually found happiness?

My Dad had an affair when I was 16. He stayed with her. I remember not wanting to meet her but once I did I accepted that it was my Dad's choice. She was nice to me. She didn't have the obligation to my Mum, my Dad did, so if I was going to be angry at anyone, it should have been him. Many many years later they are still married, she's a great grandparent to my children. Everyone is very happy.

So no, I don't think you should end your relationship. They'll come round in time, just don't force it on them

They're far too young to understand your situation, I hated my dad for cheating on my mum when I was 16. It took a good 15 years or so for me to empathise with the situation he was in and understand it as an adult. I personally think you should hold off living together until the youngest is more independent rather than trying to force a blended family. It is so hard when a break up has happened at that age, my only saving grace was that my parents waited until we were part time living at home (university) before living together.

Just to reiterate I don't think you should split, but I think you should hold off living together.

A lot of harsh posts though I can see the children’s side. Thing is you could leave the guy but you can never undo the affair, so I’m wondering if your kids will ever accept anyone? In one way it’s not for them to dictate what you do, in another it is their choice whether to engage in a relationship with the fella.
I’m also thinking you have sons who are the most against the relationship as I’ve seen boys be like this with their mum’s at early adulthood, like an alpha male thing - not in this scenario but where mum is single - I could be wrong.
They probably discuss between themselves and maybe try a joint approach where one may feel disloyal not just to their dad, but other siblings.
They’re clearly angry - also with their father - but shite happens and they’ll realise this as they get older.
A difficult decision OP but do you think you would have an ongoing solution for everyone - all be ok with it, or just more issues ahead - I’d think further than resolving it today and look ahead as to how it would play out over time - either way.

Please do not make any of your children live with a man they do not like or feel comfortable around. If this man is the love of your life then he should understand postponing for a couple of years until your children are established elsewhere.

What's the rush if you're going to be together forever?
If it's you, then I suggest you just bloody well wait and don't put your child through it unnecessarily. If it's him pushing for it moving in now then I'd have a long hard think about what kind of person would push their way into a child or young adults home when they know it isn't wanted. Not a particularly nice attitude is it?

For what it's worth, my mum did the same to me (although not an affair partner) and I was made to feel uncomfortable in my own home for years until shock he left her years later for someone else. Now he's gone and me and all my siblings relationships with her are irreparably damaged even as adults. I still speak to her but don't trust her and one sibling hasn't spoken to her in six years which causes my mum immense pain every single day.

If this man is the one for you he will wait. If he isn't, do you want to risk losing the love and respect of your children long after he's gone?

Did they have any idea about how unhappy you were in your marriage? If you played happy families throughout their lives, I can see why this came as a shock to them.

I was fully aware during my teenage years that my mum was waiting for the youngest to finish school so she could leave. Her practical reasons for staying had been openly discussed and we were all aware the marriage wasn’t a super happy one. Staying for the children works sometimes. But my opinion is that those children shouldn’t be lied to or ‘protected’ from it.

They don’t have to like your partner but I can understand why it’s been hard for them to accept him. They’ve recently discovered their whole childhood was a lie.

I'd like to make it clear I've not chosen anyone. This was news to me today and shocked me completely. It's been a difficult couple of years and we have moved things slowly but no, no choice has been made and I have had conflicting advice from friends - pretty much what's been said on the thread - but I just thought I'd seek out strangers views.

I don't expect them to do anything more than accept him as my partner eventually. I've not pushed for more and not has he. Maybe we took it too slowly and missed the boat.

You know what OP, everyone has a story and how things might have worked out differently if ....

But we don't live in a fairy tale; children are estranged from their parents without their being a third partner involved, loving parents have their own children turn against them through lies after a divorce, and some people would expect you to live unhappily for the rest of your life, for the sake of others ...

Only you know what your relationship is like with your children, and how they might accept this man, or any man, in the future.

Have your children given you a time frame of exactly how long you have to keep wearing the hair suit?

Your youngest is 16! Ffs, that’s old enough to understand that you have a life too!

Make the decisions you need to make for yourself

You’ve given them all enough and they need to let you move on and be happy.

If a man posted what you have, he'd be hung, drawn and quartered by MN, OP. I'm amazed that so many people have said that the kids should put up and shut up.

My stepchildren absolutely hate their stepdad for this exact reason, their mum had an affair and now they detest him, and who can blame them! All children would rather their parents were together. It’s even harder to bear when they can see the reason for that right under their nose.
My own children weren’t exposed to any of this drama, me and their dad split amicably years before anyone else came along, and they still struggled with new partners initially. When it’s based on an affair, you’ve got no chance!!

I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.

I have to ask... were you on the phone with your eldest when you took a call from your boyfriend? Knowing how your child feels about this man and what you did?

Kids will grow up and leave home and OP will be lonely and alone. My mum has been married three times and none of us ever dared to behave like this! How would we all react if the OP was saying she would cut her child off for having an affair?! Everyone needs to wise up big time.

I wouldn't end the relationship but I would accept the children may never have a relationship with him and really, they don't have too. They may never come to like him or want anything to do with him, and that is their right. This man and you did break up the marriage, whether it was limping along or on its last legs, this was the final nail in the coffin. Unfortunately it may have been different if you had started a relationship after the marriage ended. You have to accept that your children don't want anything to do with him at the moment and may never do. It's a tough situation but ultimately, one down to you.

@Aquamarine1029

I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.

I have to ask... were you on the phone with your eldest when you took a call from your boyfriend? Knowing how your child feels about this man and what you did?

No. The call was yesterday. He was at work and called as he knew we had things planned, to see how my day was going. I was alone at the time getting changed and the call lasted a couple of minutes at most.

I've been told I shouldn't take calls from him in the presence of any of my children.

@StormBaby The OM wasn't the reason that they split ... There was cracks in the relationship before this man came along.

The children will think that, and probably fuelled by the EXH, but if you are in a happy, loving and respectful relationship then nobody would be able to break that.

Yes the OP should have addressed these problems before meeting the OM, maybe she did and wasn't taken seriously, but she also was doing what she thought was best for the children in staying.

You cannot do right for doing wrong OP.

Thank you all for your input.

Ideally my exH and I had decided not to tell the children about the affair, this was his idea, as he didn't want them to think badly of me as the marriage breakdown was a joint effort. However we were seen on a freak situation and I couldn't lie to my children.

The middle one was already angry with me for wanting the marriage to end. Youngest was absolutely lovely about it all and eldest was living independently by then so kept out of it but knew the marriage wasn't good.

Anyway I can't turn back the clock. I will never cheat again in my life, I have no excuse, I was weak and unhappy. But I've learned a harsh lesson and hurt people I love or once loved and I have to live with what I've done.

I need to think about all sides of this and options of this and no he won't be moving on any time soon, that's for sure.

But I am grateful for all responses as I'm too in the middle of it to think or see straight.

[quote itsureis]@StormBaby The OM wasn't the reason that they split ... There was cracks in the relationship before this man came along.

The children will think that, and probably fuelled by the EXH, but if you are in a happy, loving and respectful relationship then nobody would be able to break that.

Yes the OP should have addressed these problems before meeting the OM, maybe she did and wasn't taken seriously, but she also was doing what she thought was best for the children in staying.

You cannot do right for doing wrong OP.

[/quote]
You are so right. I tried several times over 3-4 years to deal with the issues in our marriage. I was never taken seriously, very controlled I now realise and just became a drudge, a shadow of my former self and people were worried about me.

I do realise that I should have ended my marriage first but I didn't and I can't change that. I have beaten myself up about it ever since, believe me. Having an affair is the weirdest, most selfish, I kind thing I have ever done. Completely out of character and exH thought I'd had a breakdown or tried to blame menopause as I literally shied away from male attention if I ever had any previously.

But that's history. I just can't see the wood for the trees, am reeling a bit from the call earlier from my eldest and apparently "lots of the extended family will feel the same" so feeling pretty alone.

Not even spoken to the guy I'm with about it as I'm still a bit shocked I think.

I have a friend whose parents separated when she was 16. An only child and her dad had been unfaithful. She still stays with her dad full time and has done for years now, has very little contact with her mum as she just struggled so much seeing her with another man (moved on, met someone else). It was almost like she wasn't as attached to her dad so could expect him to move on, be unfaithful, not be a family man sort of thing. But she found it extremely hard to see her mum giving someone else affection when all she wanted was for her mum to focus on her and give her the love she needed at a really difficult time (16 year olds are complicated beings). This is really sad I hope you manage to come to some sort of reasonable agreement and everyone feels at peace.

Just keep going. Compartmentalise, but don’t give in to your middle child as it seems they’re punishing everyone and your other two don’t seem to be bothered.
I’d keep your life’s separate for the time being.
Well done for having the courage to leave. I’m sure with time things will sort themselves out x

As a person whose spouse went through exactly this with his mother, if you choose your partner your relationship with at least one of your children is over. I’m sad you’re even contemplating picking your partner over your kids. It doesn’t matter if they’re “grown up” in your eyes, they’re still your children. What a horrible selfish thing to do. And to answer your question, Yes I absolutely would end a relationship for my children.

No way would i end the relationship given their ages, two are adult and one nearly is the 25 year old is living his own life and the other two soon will

@Candyfloss99

This is why you should leave when you want to and not "stay for the children". All it ever does is cause resentment.

This. I so, so, so wish my parents had split when the relationship was beyond repair in the eyes of at least one of them. I felt simultaneously guilty and angry they stayed together and gave me low expectations of relationships that took me until the age of 30 to unravel. The revelations that couples have a laugh together, are affectionate, proud of each other, a team, a United front etc. I know it's too late and you can't go back and leave sooner but I wanted to say it in case someone less far down the line reads this.

He would never encourage them to make any effort with my partner as he feels the same - blames him for the marriage ending and belittles all the issues I've tried to raise with him that lead to its end.
Hm, this is difficult - I imagine that he's told the kids these views, so they feel as if they have to support him by having the same view?

I wonder if you could loosen things up a little by not taking the polar opposite view? Your exh might be openly arguing his side of the story, but you don't have to. So, for example, agree that your dp was at fault for the marriage ending as it did - and don't bring up the issues that make it your ex's fault too? You have that private certainty that it would have ended anyway; you don't have to persuade anyone of your viewpoint. Give the kids a good few years to calm down and grow into adults and maybe one day they'll be able to process some of those other details. Or maybe you won't even feel the need to bring those details up by then.

My exh was the one who had the affair, and he stayed with his OW for a couple of years before she cheated on him. I thik it helped that I kept things polite. Even so, it's good that he didn't come up with the idea of living with her - he has had another gf since and the kids (young adults) found it a pain having a stranger in their home for just a week! It's not easy even when everyone is friendly. Are you sure you can't wait until your youngest is 18? By then the others might be less upset too.

Have you told him that they don't like him phoning when they are with you, or why does it keep happening?