Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

My mum met someone else when I was 18, she was single so he wasn't the cause of a marriage break up, but his behaviour was appalling when she was distracted and couldn't hear comments he made, being the oldest girl I protected my sister and I always said you can be with who you want but you can't force a relationship between us. I still today think she hated me back then because whilst I cared for my mum. My sister were 14 and didn't have the freedom to say no they didn't want to go holiday etc with him. It destroyed a extremely close relationship we had with her. I still maintain 11 years down the line if it wasn't for something happening that meant we had to talk and me saying you can be with him but you can't force me to like or want a relationship with someone I find toxic. It's only when she realised I was absolutely ready to walk away from her too. If she didn't start having a relationship with me with out him involved that our relationship improved. To the point she now my best friend but there is still alot of hurt feelings there from me. We just have that boundary where if I'm somewhere he doesn't go. As in family parties. By all means have a relationship but if its one of there boundaries that they'd rather he not ring whilst they visiting respect it or you could end up losing so much more.

I have similar problems though I was kicked out by their dad for a variety of reasons and met my current dp 6 months later. Their dad is now selling the former family home to live with a girlfriend he met in lockdown 1. Somehow DP and I are evil and exh and her girlfriend and brood are fine, despite eldest having stayed with exh and now being made homeless. My kids are 15 and 19 so just have to decide if it lasts long enough to mean the kids attitude matters less...

OP
I think your eldest is bullying you and for her and your sake you shouldn't accept it. If I understand correctly she was already grown and out of the house when the marriage broke up? Frankly, it's none of her business. And she has no right to tell you who to talk to on the phone or threaten you with 'consequences' if you don't break up. She is trying to control you rather than deal with (and get over) her own feelings.

I would reiterate your acknowledgement that this started in a way it shouldn't have and that You love her and want her in your life. But she doesn't get to control who you are romantically involved with. (Just as you don't get to control who she is involved with!) how would she feel if you threatened to cut her off because you didn't like her boyfriend? You are both grown ups now and it's time for a grown up relationship.

Her behaviour at the moment sounds borderline abusive towards you. Raging and telling you you can't even spend two minutes on the phone with someone, even when she is not there!? I think people are missing that because of the whole affair issue .

And no, I am not sympathetic to affairs. My marriage was broken up by my H having one and leaving for OW. I was devastated by that- but did it give me the right to inhibit or control my dd's relationship with OW? No! Obviously it is better for kids to maintain closeness with both parents, and if they like the person, integrate the OW/OM into their lives. Let's not pile our shit onto kids.....It sounds in addition to everything else that your eldest is also inhibiting your other children from doing that - depriving everybody of harmony and the opportunity to have close ties due to her anger over something that wasn't even done to her.

The problem with people saying that the children should put up and shut up, is that while they may have to as children when they have choice in the matter, as adults they may very well vote with their feet and cut contact.

You know how they feel about him, and it’s very possible that they may never come around because of the role he played in your marriage ending. Is he worth the relationship you have with your children?

Posted too soon. My own mother chose a man over the feelings of her children. Of course she was entitled to move forward, have a life separate to her children, not be dictated to by her children etc, but a consequence of that is she now has no relationship with her children and grandchildren as we cut contact as soon as we were able to as adults.

As much as you have the right to make your own choices, you don’t have the right to dictate the consequences.

@ThePriceIsNotRight so you made your mum choose between a loving relationship with a partner or her children?
No matter the circumstances I find it sad that someone would force someone they love to have to make such a decision :(

I’d have had no issue with my mother moving on had she had a single thought for her children rather than just for herself, and if she hadn’t chosen a piece of shit.

There’s a lot more to the story in regards to the type of man he was, but no, I didn’t make my mother choose. I chose for myself, and that had negative consequences for my mother as she lost her relationship with her children and their families.

That’s the reality of adults expecting children to put up and shut up. They oftentimes will when they have to, but not beyond that.

no matter the circumstances

• he once threw my against a wall and fractured my back because my room wasn’t tidy enough for his liking. But yes, feel sorry for my mother and her ‘loving relationship’.

I think it's completely different if the children's' objections are based on what the guy is like/ how they are treated or how he treats the mum. A lot of the stories here are about men who were shits in some way.

It also makes a difference how old the children are. While they are young and living in the house, they should absolutely have a say, as their lives are directly affected. I live with my dd and DP but would never in a million years have moved him in if my DD didn't already have a great relationship, I didn't feel he had proved himself not only as a partner but as a potential step parent, and dd hadn't wanted him to move in. (She literally did cartwheels when I asked how she felt about him moving in)

But this situation is different. It is primarily a grown up child, who was not even living at home when the affair and marriage broke up, and who has never met the man - who four years on, is raging and threatening their mother. That's not ok.

The basic principle is the same. Whether you believe it justified or not, the children do not want to accept this man, and it may cost the OP her relationship with them. She is of course entitled to do what she likes, but equally her children are entitled to say ‘okay then’ and walk away from her.

@ThePriceIsNotRight, I am so sorry that is truly awful, and I of course would not expect anyone to accept any one in their lives who behaved in this manner!

That is slightly different to the OP circumstances though, he is not abusive towards her adult children in any way, unless I missed it somewhere, & apologies if I have. It just seems to me, in this instance, the adult daughter is almost blackmailing her mother. I can understand and respect that they don't want this man in their lives but I don't think they should be dictating that she must give him up because it will make them feel better somehow?

It is different to what the OP described, but what I’m cautioning is that while people may say ‘she’ll have to accept it’, the fact is that no, she won’t. She may very well feel to deeply on the matter, to the point where she does make good on her promise to cut contact with her mother, because of the pain this man represents to her.

There’s nothing to say the OP can’t move on and find happiness with someone completely discontented from the marriage break up, but because of their actions this particular man is now indelibly tied to the infidelity and betrayal of the marriage, and the daughter has made it very clear she’s not willing to accept him on any level. You may think that makes her unreasonable, but she is entirely within her rights to make that decision.

I’m not telling OP what to do, I can’t and wouldn’t want to anyway, but what I am saying is that OP can absolutely do what she wants, the outcome of that may be that she loses her children. She needs to decide whether that is an acceptable price to pay.

@ThePriceIsNotRight no no he's not been abusive towards them, he's not had chance to have any interaction at all as I have kept them separate, it felt doubly disrespectful to force that on them as I had an affair with him.

My eldest has probably bullied me since I gave birth! She's always been difficult and needed her own way (this was pointed out to me by a friend many years ago) and I have always been the sort of parent to allow it within reason as the consequences were too grim to bear! I'm paying the price of that now a little I fear.

I'm going to keep things separate. My partner won't push moving in, it's not his style and it was a "we could think about that at some point this year maybe" type of conversation which went alongside "but I'd need to get to know your children first surely?" from him.

To be honest I feel that my youngest has the most say in this, as he lives with me alternate weeks and I do also feel he is the most chilled and mature about the whole situation. Maybe because he spends the most time with me and witnesses the odd call etc without issue (or so I think. I'm going to ask!). However I would still want to have long long conversations about it with him as even once at uni, my home is still his home (his dad intends to move in with his partner then and she has no room for youngest).

I truly hope I haven't come across as wanting them to put up and shut up. Not at all! Quite the opposite. I'd be devastated if they spurned me over a man and I would do everything to prevent that but I was hoping I wouldn't have to sacrifice my long term happiness for it. If i do. So be it.

@ThePriceIsNotRight our posts crossed and yes that's pretty much her view, she won't accept him whatever. No matter how nice/fun/kind/loving he turned out to be.

It really smarts as this guy would enrich their lives so much, but it feels like he won't get the chance and that saddens me. I won't ever get involved in mud slinging against their father but the older two are vocal about his lacking in that regard, the things they crave they could have - not a father figure but the things they would like in one.

I'd never try and "sell" him to them, I say very very little ever about him, it's just a shame they appear to not even want to give him a chance. Yes he knew I was married soon after we met, but I'm the one who cheated and continued to.

You love him, so you think he would ‘enrich her life’, but it’s up to her to make that decision, whether you like it or not.

Yes you had the affair, but he was party to it, therefore she’s always going to connect him to that. She’s fully entitled to her feelings on the matter, and no righteous anger on your behalf, or indeed your feelings of unfairness, are going to impact on that.

Is he worth your relationship with her, and possibly your other children and even grandchildren going forward? That is what you have to ask yourself, as sadly that appears to be what it’s coming down to.

Sorry OP I haven't read all the responses but I actually think it's sad that they know why your relationship broke down. Was there a reason why you had to tell them of your infidelity? My ex left me and our baby for someone else. In fact he's still with her and my son loves her. He has no idea the devastation they both caused me and I'd never tell my son the truth.

Kids should be kept out of adult relationships. I actually feel for you. Had you left without another man being involved I suspect your kids would still be cold with you it seems?

It does appear that it would be the case with her. At the moment.

For now I'm going to sit it out. I won't be integrating their lives, I won't be moving him in, I won't be forcing the issue or discussing it unless one of them brings it up.

But for now I won't be making any rash decisions on my relationship as i don't feel I need to. I need to get to the bottom of the outburst as I feel there must have been a trigger this weekend and for all I know it may have nothing to do with me really, as this has been the case before.

I'll keep everything separate, we aren't the Von Traps and I don't expect that kind of outcome!

@cosmicbabe

Sorry OP I haven't read all the responses but I actually think it's sad that they know why your relationship broke down. Was there a reason why you had to tell them of your infidelity? My ex left me and our baby for someone else. In fact he's still with her and my son loves her. He has no idea the devastation they both caused me and I'd never tell my son the truth.

Kids should be kept out of adult relationships. I actually feel for you. Had you left without another man being involved I suspect your kids would still be cold with you it seems?

We were seen. All he did was put his arm around my shoulders to draw me in as I was upset but that was enough for a friend of my eldest to tell her what she had seen and that was it. I couldn't deny it, it felt like it would make it worse.

My elder two knew exactly how bad the marriage was and the issues they lead me to want to leave and middle one at least wasn't happy about it without anyone else being involved. Their lifestyle has had to change due to separate homes and that was the main issue. I don't know the answer to that one.

The last thing I’ll say is that while you may love him, and hope that time may bring them round because that’s what you desperately want to happen, it may just bite you in the future. I admit I’m biased, because I can’t see how any man is worth your relationship with your children.

I also believe you resent them because of how they’ve reacted, but I think that’s unfair. They may not have been small children, but even though there were previous issues in the marriage, it was your affair with him that heralded the end of the marriage. That was the flashpoint, that is what they see as the source of their pain. It’s rarely ever as simple as them merely being upset their lifestyles have changed.

No matter how justified you may consider yourself, you will reap what you have sown, for better or indeed worse.

@ThePriceIsNotRight no. I don't desperately want anything to happen except a peaceful life. However I know my life and my family and that he could enrich their lives. They've all indicated this in the past.
But that's beside the point. I'm going to carry on keeping everything separate, more so than before.

Don't end your relationship. Keep him separate from them if you can. Give clear consequences for what will happen if they are rude to you or him (i.e. no money for outings/hobbies/gadgets/clothes).
They'll accept him one day when they are older and understand relationships.

My parents had a very unhappy marriage and they separated when I was 18 after my dad had an affair. It still signified the end of my childhood and everything we had ever known. My mum quickly got with a new partner too and I didn't come home from university or much more after that because home wasn't 'home' as everything was different.

Was also a massive pisser to think of the times my dad was 'working late' etc when it then transpired exactly what he was doing.

@Greenwillow

It’s a fair point, but how long should that be allowed to run for?

I was highlighting the double standards.

Does punishing OP in perpetuity really benefit anyone in the long run?

You mean her kids are punishing her by expressing how they truly feel on the matter.

How about everyone just accepts that things are the way the are and gets on with it?

This doesn't show empathy. It's too cut and dried to say just her on with it when feelings are involved.

The just get on with it attitude, will only make things worse.

I've never given "just get on with it" as an option. Just to make that clear. I wouldn't force a relationship. And if it becomes untenable even keeping everything separate then I will revisit.

Had they been younger they may have been more accepting. Ime, teens are very judgemental especially about fidelity in relationships. If your marriage was bad your dc have grown up with negativity, it's bound to have had an impact on them.
Could your oldest feel protective over her younger siblings? You mention that the middle child no longer lives with you and your youngest is only there every other week. That means you have lots of free time to spend with your partner. It sounds like an ideal situation to me.

2.5 years is very short especially when there has been betrayal so give it a few more years for everyone to heal. If you are patient, kind and respectful of their feelings it may bring reconciliation. I suspect your dc don't have an issue with your partner, their issue is with you but because you are their mum they don't want to reject you completely.