Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

‘There is a massive difference between a mother prioritising her new relationship with an abusive and unpleasant partner over her children’s well-being and safety, and adult children controlling their parents lives with manipulative and unreasonable behaviour.’

There is, but the overall principle is that by holding onto a relationship with a man who helped OP massively hurt her children and the family unit they believed to be stable, you are looking at a situation that results in them walking away from her even more than they already have done.

The children are entitled to their feelings, they’re entitled to draw a hard boundary in relation to wanting nothing to do with him. They are entitled to yes, go NC contact if they consider their relationship with her mother irreparable for as long as she’s still with him.

OP - I feel for you. Your post has clearly stirred up strong emotions and I find some of the responses very harsh. People have got the right to their opinions, often shaped by painful, personal circumstances.

Your children may have thoughts and feelings about your choices but it’s not up to them to tell you how to live your life. You come across as a caring, loving mother. That matters the most.

People talk about you putting your relationship with them in jeopardy. Am I right in thinking one of them is an adult? What about how much they’ve got to lose? Don’t they care about their relationship with you?

Life is imperfect. Parents are imperfect. People make mistakes. Parents may stop loving each other. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love their children.

I’m a child of divorced parents who thankfully were wise enough to parent with love and clear boundaries. I had a choice of whether I wanted to engage with their new partners and I was encouraged by both my parents to give new partners a chance. And, believe me, circumstances were quite complicated and I was aware of it as a child. But we all made it work.
It’s all down to parents.

Look after yourself OP.

But they didn’t have a stable family unit. They had parents who were unhappy together and who had put a brave face on for their sake. The end of a relationship is always messy in some way but what would they prefer - unhappy parents continuing to pretend everything is fine?!

‘But they didn’t have a stable family unit. They had parents who were unhappy together and who had put a brave face on for their sake. The end of a relationship is always messy in some way but what would they prefer - unhappy parents continuing to pretend everything is fine?!‘

They thought they did though, right up until they found out their parents were divorcing and their mother was having an affair. There’s nothing to say they would have dealt with it this way if it had been handled sensitively, and without third parties being forced into the mix.

Look, no matter how righteously angry you may be on OP’s behalf, the children don’t owe her acceptance of this relationship with the other man who helped break up their family. Of course OP can decide to carry on with it anyway and refuse to be dictated to, but the reality is that such a decision may very well cost her her children more than it already has done.

Sorry - every time I read replies I end up in tears and can't respond so I hope I'm not being rude in only picking out pertinent parts and rarely tagging or quoting.

@ThePriceIsNotRight you are the devil on my shoulder. You're everything I feel about myself. So thank you. You'll appear harsh to many but nobody could be more harsh on myself than I am.

HOWEVER

I'm also so grateful for those for example @Malena77 who recognises I am actually a caring loving person and parent. I'm really struggling with this. It's all alien to me and I hate it. I've wished myself dead so many times and been so close so many times but also felt that would fuck up my kids even more so no. Not happening.

I truly can't itemise the issues that lead to me realising my marriage was over without outing myself. But complete lack of acknowledgment of a very emotional close bereavement, lack of support in bettering myself, belittling any issues I raised, lack of interaction with any of us. They're some of the things that made me see the cracks in our bond.

There is no idea or perfect outcome I now realise. All I can hope for is apathetic acceptance. And that would do for me. As long as my children really WERE ok with it all.

I've made huge mistakes. I will pay the price forever. I just hope the repayments will reduce over time.

Do you think your eldest would actually change if you left your partner? Do you really think that overnight she'd become loving and accepting of you, and forget all those things that have made her so angry with you?

She's 25. I'm not sure that she's still pliable enough to let go of all that resentment to be honest.

Oh - and she's threatened you with the extended family. What is your relationship with them? Is she really influential with them? Would they actually drop you too?

I’m not actually trying to be harsh to you, OP, and overall I think the responses have been very measured. Certainly they have been in comparison to what a man who had cheated would get, posting here.

Seeing how your children have reacted, and continue to react, to this man, I don’t understand why you would want to carry on with him. I really don’t, even if you do love him, I don’t understand why you would essentially prioritize him over the feelings of your children, especially considering the toll it has taken already on your relationship with them.

However, it’s not for me to understand. Like others have said, it’s up to you to do what you want. Your daughter can’t ‘hold you hostage’, but she doesn’t have to accept your choice either. She would be entitled to go no contact, and no one else calling her unreasonable to do so is going to change that. All that provides is cold comfort. My word of caution is that yes, considering the strength of feeling clearly involved here, it may cost you dearly in the long run, in losing relationships completely with your children, and indeed perhaps their families, grandchildren even, going forward. You have to decide for yourself whether it is worth that.

If you are going to stay with this man I think it is right that you keep him separate from your children as they clearly want nothing to do with him (or at least the eldest two).

But I think you need to understand what this could really mean. He may not be welcome at:

• birthday parties
• family dinners
• weddings
• Christmas

I don't just mean your children's weddings. Maybe your niece gets married - either you will attend alone or your children will not come as they don't want to be at the same event as him.

Maybe you move in together and invitations stop coming because people don't like him or don't want an affair partner at their events and they assume you will bring him as you are living together.

If you have grandchildren one day, your children may not send them to visit as he may be there. They may invite you less as they don't want to hear about him or see him.

Your children may not pop into visit you because they don't want to see him - even if he doesn't live with you, they may not want to risk seeing him if he is visiting.

I don't say this to scare you or as hyperbole. These are real things I have witnessed and they have gone on for decades. I have also seen situations where the children go no contact, particularly after the parent and new partner moved in together. It blindsided a family friend because the affair was six years previous and he thought they had accepted his new partner - no, they hadn't, and when she moved in they cut contact rather than face her.

Your children are under no obligation to ever like or accept this man. They may not ever wish to interact with him. They may choose to meet him a few times, you may think their relationship is progressing, and then they may turn around and say to you "I can't do this and I don't want to see him ever again." The fact is, no matter what you do now or what he does now, it can't change the past and it can't dictate the future.

You are an independent adult and you can make your own decisions. But... so can they. And just as the life choices you've made have made your children unhappy, the life choices your children make may make you unhappy.

I don't say any of this to try and be cruel. But I think you need to have your eyes wide open or it may cause you more pain down the line when unforeseen consequences occur.

OP’s post is not about the act of cheating.

Are we supposed to choose our partners based on (almost adult) children’s acceptance? Are our almost grown up children supposed to tell us who to be with?
Does it mean that we have a deciding vote in who they should choose as a partner? Because if we don’t like their choices we can go NC and that would be understandable? Or should they then ditch their boyfriends/girlfriends to make us happy?

OP’s feelings for her children are clear: she loves them. At no point has she said that she is withdrawing her affection for them if they don’t accept her partner. She’s not prioritising her partner over them. However, she’s clearly being bullied by at least one of her children.

But it is about the act of cheating, it’s the cheating that has directly led to this situation. You can’t divorce the cheating from immense pain it causes, the consequences of it. OP is living that.

The children are under no obligation to accept her partner, and yes if they feel their mother would rather be in a relationship with him than end it and focus of repairing the damaged relationships she has with them, while she still can, they may very well decide to go NC.

Of course OP can go ‘no, I won’t be dictated to’ and carry on with him, but the reality of that may very well be that she loses her family, no matter how unfair you or she may find it.

What if OP ends this relationship for the sake of her children? Let’s say that they decide to forgive their mother, are now happy and allow her back in their lives....but what if they don’t like her next partner? For whatever reason, just don’t like him? Should she resign from that relationship, too, as children are unhappy again, or would she be morally allowed to continue it? As it is not related to cheating?
Genuine question.

My parents split up when I was in my early 30s. My mum has met someone else, although their marriage hadn’t been much of a marriage for a long time. I was really upset about it. I think I gave my mum a bit of a hard time. But she stuck to her guns saying she’d spent years being a wife and mother, putting us all first, and was now going to be herself. Eventually I got used to it. Ironically the new guy was very like my dad, so the same issues came up with him and they split up. My mum and dad have both been single for the last 18 years and actually get on brilliantly well as friends now.

‘What if OP ends this relationship for the sake of her children? Let’s say that they decide to forgive their mother, are now happy and allow her back in their lives....but what if they don’t like her next partner? For whatever reason, just don’t like him? Should she resign from that relationship, too, as children are unhappy again, or would she be morally allowed to continue it? As it is not related to cheating?
Genuine question.‘

It’s would be up to OP to decide. Personally I do think the cheating makes it an entirely different situation, because I personally would have less sympathy for the children in that scenario, depending upon why they didn’t like him.

No one is telling OP what to do, they can’t and likely don’t want to. It’s her decision to make, but she should be aware of the consequences of choosing to continue with this man, because judging by the strength of feeling clearly involved, all the moral outrage and indignation of some posters isn’t going to make one iota of difference to the OP if she does find herself NC with her children.

I'd like to offer another point of view. You've not said much about your husband but I suspect he wasn't very nice (and that's an understatement) for a very long time and your children have unwittingly learnt to bully you, and that you don't matter.

I'm not saying he has ASD (he may well do) but there was a wonderful link on another thread to a therapists blog talking about what happens to women married to men with undiagnosed ASD when they leave. How they disappear to themselves. How they hang on in there for the sake of the children but when they leave they lose twice as the husband can play the victim and they have become someone the children don't care about. It's heartbreaking and I think it's you (again not saying your ex has ASD). www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

There's a lot of spite and anger on here and I don't think you deserve it. But you are being so reticent about what drove you to do what you did people are projecting how they would feel as your husband. And you're just allowing them to bully you. Is that what happened in your marriage? Is this now what you think you deserve? Does your 'bad' really cancel out what could be years of low level abuse? Are you so bad your children can treat you like dirt? As they are? I don't think so.

I think you might really benefit from talking to someone professional about this. Your children are treating you with contempt and you barely see them anyway. This may be unrecoverable- not because of your affair but because of years of watching their father do the same. You deserve happiness and while it might not be this man it also might, and the next man could be the same. They are treating you like a servant. Like someone they own. You don't deserve that.

OP you sound like you are handling this situation with sensitivity and empathy. I hope that my reported experience in getting past a situation in which my mother showed neither gives you confidence that, with time and patience, your children's feelings will resolve. I should add that I was an extremely judgemental and rigid-thinking young person too! It took time and maturity for me to learn that my emotions were MY responsibility and my mum could not fix them for me. Tour daughter is 25, but brain development continues into the late 20s.

While it's good that you're empathetic with your kids, you also have a right to have your needs met in a new relationship.

And Grimsknee kind of touches on sonething no ones mentioned. If you ex is a cold and unpleasant man there's a very good chance one of your children has inherited his personality. They may grow out of it.. but if not it will have little to do with this situation unfortunately. They may be just not very nice. Like him.

Another rocky night, my mind won't switch off.

I do realise I may be setting myself up for missing out on much more than just my children. I don't have a crystal ball but I do intend to keep everything completely separate for the time being and see how it goes.

Yes. My middle child is exactly like their father. He did actually talk to them after the break up and this was part of what he said - don't wait until you are 50 to realise you're like me, emotionless, antisocial, moody etc. Child denies they're like their dad but they very much are, in looks and personality. Other two are carbon copies of me, not in all personality traits but many.

None of them have had a good relationship with their dad. Middle child was aware of the cracks as was eldest, and they said to me they thought they'd never see their dad again if we split, as couldn't remember the last time he'd had even said more than a word or two to them and they questioned if he even loved them. So so sad.

I don't want to go into lots of detail about our marriage as it's unfair but general control, with moods and restrictions. The catalyst was losing a parent to whom I was extremely close and his complete lack of support or compassion then. The following year or two were horrendous for me and his lack of any support in any way was a real eye opener and made me realise I definitely needed to plan to leave one day.

Op I don't think it's going to make any difference to how much you explain to them that the marriage was already broken. You had an affair and the family unit broke up. That is ALL they see it as.
And the more you try to explain it, the more they hate him. It's the very idea that the two of you is what split the family up. They can't see it otherwise. Regardless of them being adults, it was still their family.
They most probably will get on with a new partner but for this man, it's just too complicated with baggage around him. Sorry op I'm not sure what you could do.

Please read that link I put. And start to think about getting some help for yourself. Your kids need to see a more confident mum that is happy and doesn't allow them to rule her. Their problem is contempt for you - don't let it continue. And next time one starts lecturing you very sharply remind them that you are their mother and they WILL treat you with respect. You can love children and not allow them to bully you.

Something that the posters projecting their own feelings about cheating husbands seem to not realise. You do them no favours being weak and allowing them to rule you - it's not appropriate. How can you be a parent and be strong enough to protect them if you can't even protect yourself? You gave up your life for them - at least make sure it means something!

As for your BF. Sorry but getting rid of him right now is the very worst thing you can do. It shows them they have complete control and it leaves you alone with no support system. It's just more abuse - this time from your own children. They know what their father is like. They need a strongly worded lecture on behaving like human beings. You don't want to send them into the world behaving this way they won't last 5 minutes.

@Mintychocolate yes definitely going to read that. It struck a chord with me just your post. I'm using the mobile app and am yet to work out how to reply and see who I want mention, sorry.

I have a heavy work day thank goodness. Little time to dwell.

But thank you all again. I do really need to hear all sides.

@Sahm101 there's no 'explaining' to be done here. No convincing. They are not the board of directors and she is not the cleaner. That power balance needs to shift.

She is their loving mother who has protected them and provided for them and fed them their whole lives. They don't have to be grateful for being born but they can damn well be respectful. She is the adult. The parent. She does NOT need to abase herself or beg forgiveness etc. She had an affair. So what? Who is anyone to judge what 10+ years of marriage to a cold and unloving man dies to someone?

For so called caring mummies there's a lot of very unpleasant judging on this thread. She's not some happily married guy shagging bookers because she can. Ffs.

Bookers. Obviously I mean hookers!

The children haven't had it easy. They will have been affected by the restrictive atmosphere and their father's distance - that alone would be enough to traumatise many people. Then you grieving and thus not able to provide your usual stable support (though I am sure you tried) - a situation in which the other parent would normally step up for the children, but that wasn't going to happen. You breaking up was the final straw by the sound of it. They haven't been able to build up the resiilience they would have needed to cope with this.

When my marriage disintegrated, my son had been having therapy for his anxiety (runs in the family), which was really helpful: he'd already got some other, good support outside the home and was able to fall back on that a bit. Your youngest is still young enough that you could step in and organise something for him, might be worth considering. Have the older kids thought about it too?

Minty, we can go on about what these children should be doing and behaving and its not going to make one jot of difference. I pretty much see that the op will have to make a choice here. And off course we can all say she shouldn't, but does that really matter? She needs to decide whether she wants a partner or relationship with her children more. This is the man their mother had an affair with. It's not for me or you to decide what they should feel about that .

I did say that a new partner who did not have that history, would probably be accepted easily. It's just that this man represents something very deeply upsetting to them.

Another thing worth bearing in mind is that if you dumped your partner, the kids might well think/say something along the lines of "so you broke up our family over a man that you weren't even that serious about"!