Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

Unfortunately many people are in denial over the harm an affair can cause. And without question- the longer the deceit and betrayal, the greater the damage.

OP I take it from your post that your affair lasted about two years. That's two years you and your AP spent making a mockery of your children's family, their foundation and their roots in life. And all they will see is that your AP was at once the enticer and the conspirator - the cause that has made them question what is solid in their life.

They might come to accept a new partner but unfortunately your AP will also bear the brunt of the anger that might otherwise be directed at you.

I know you think you've said sorry - but I suspect you don't see how they have questioned what was genuine about their childhood and family and sense of home. Your affair will feel to them that they also were humiliated and taken for mugs.

Of course the deterioration of your marriage is relevant to what ultimately happened. But what is done behind people's backs casts a long shadow in their lives. People often assume infidelity is about two people and their marriage vows. But when children are involved they feel betrayed too.
I think it unlikely that they will come round until they overcome the trauma, and find new solid ground.

Perhaps when they settle, with their own families, and can reflect with a bit more understanding and maturity, and crucially some distance from what is right now their life history so far.

Bit blunt, but tell your kids they need to get over it and come to terms with him being your partner. If you're happy together, why should you call it off to placate the children? Is your happiness of no importance to them? That's a bit selfish. But then they are teenagers, and they see it as this man wrecking their family. Hopefully they'll see things a big more pragmatically when they're older, not that it helps you right now. If they're really not happy with him moving in then it's not unreasonable to hold off that for a while longer, but don't let them drop you from seeing each other as you want to.

It sounds like your ex has moved on and in a happy relationship with a new woman, and the kids are fine with that? If you're non reasonable terms with your ex it might be worth asking him to have a word with them. If they can see that he's fine with it then their loyalty to their dad is one less reason for the kids to be difficult.

From your kids point of view you have caused the marriage breakdown and so therefore the family break up, they didn't know you and husband were having a rubbish married life and then to tell them after your affair that it was acceptable because you were both not getting along is wrong, you should have got a divorce first and then found a new partner, as it is your kids will unlikely like your new partner as he would of known you were married and he is part of the reason for the family breakup.

Everyone needs to accept that relationships don't always last forever. We live so long now that a marriage could last 60 years or more, and what functions when you're 20 won't necessarily still function 20, 30 or more years later. People change, situations change. A man who was slim, good looking and fun at 20 could be fat, bald and grumpy 30 years later. You might just be bored. He might be bored. Your children will, in the fullness of time, find this out for themselves as they get older. So don't keep on beating yourself up OP. Life is short, enjoy it. Your children aren't little kids any more, they haven't lost their dad. If they don't want anything to do with the OM, you can't force it but their dad is happy, and so should you be.

Thank you again for further replies.

I realise everyone deserves happiness and life goes on etc but I don't want to lose my children, and preferably not a very happy relationship. That's why I came to seek out ideas and views - could there be a way around it or do I cut my losses now and be single for a long time until my children deem it appropriate.

I'm going to leave things as they are, obviously no moving in together or introductions will happen either.

Sorry I can't see who asked now but the affair had been going on for approximately 9 months when I told my exH. A very specific set of circumstances meant if I was going to initiate the separation and be honest about the affair then that was the time. He met his partner a few weeks later and we physically separated a few months after that.

Sadly my exH and I have no contact. I've resorted to emailing him if I've needed to but never get a response. The man he is leads me to believe this won't change. He has no friends and due to him feeling every member of his family has wronged him in some way, he has had no contact with any of them for decades and other than them remaining on my social media, I gave up trying to keep that going.

It's a very sad situation. I do wish I'd been in a position and had the means to leave of my own accord years before I did but it's too outing to explain. I wish I'd not had an affair, but met this man afterwards.

I've tried and will continue to try to make amends and repair my damaged relationship with my children. If they won't let that happen, with it without the man in my life, then I'll just have to accept it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, op. Yes, the affair was wrong, but it was probably the catalyst that got you out of a sad and difficult marriage.

Personally, I'd continue the relationship. You are happy and we all deserve that. Your children may or may not come around to accepting him when they see your relationship is long lasting.

I wouldn't be pressuring the children to like or accept him. That's their decision to make. Similarly, I would not let anyone dictate my future. Live your life and enjoy your relationship. As your children get older they will see life is not black and white.

That your ex has no friends and has fallen out with all his family members is very telling. I am glad you left him for your sake.

[quote autumnalrain]@Outbutnotoutout I honestly pray your partner/husband has an affair in the future. I just want to put to the test that this will be your reaction.[/quote]
Well aren't you a spiteful vindictive person. Who is it you're praying to exactly?

KidsDisapprove: I'm going to leave things as they are, obviously no moving in together or introductions will happen either.
...........
That's very sensible; you can still have a good relationship part-time.

When your children have had a couple of relationships they will be more understanding. I can feel your regret but you cannot beat yourself up about it forever and neither can they.

@BraveGoldie

OP I think your eldest is bullying you and for her and your sake you shouldn't accept it. If I understand correctly she was already grown and out of the house when the marriage broke up? Frankly, it's none of her business. And she has no right to tell you who to talk to on the phone or threaten you with 'consequences' if you don't break up. She is trying to control you rather than deal with (and get over) her own feelings.

I would reiterate your acknowledgement that this started in a way it shouldn't have and that You love her and want her in your life. But she doesn't get to control who you are romantically involved with. (Just as you don't get to control who she is involved with!) how would she feel if you threatened to cut her off because you didn't like her boyfriend? You are both grown ups now and it's time for a grown up relationship.

Her behaviour at the moment sounds borderline abusive towards you. Raging and telling you you can't even spend two minutes on the phone with someone, even when she is not there!? I think people are missing that because of the whole affair issue .

And no, I am not sympathetic to affairs. My marriage was broken up by my H having one and leaving for OW. I was devastated by that- but did it give me the right to inhibit or control my dd's relationship with OW? No! Obviously it is better for kids to maintain closeness with both parents, and if they like the person, integrate the OW/OM into their lives. Let's not pile our shit onto kids.....It sounds in addition to everything else that your eldest is also inhibiting your other children from doing that - depriving everybody of harmony and the opportunity to have close ties due to her anger over something that wasn't even done to her.

I agree with this.

I think you need to set some boundaries. Your private life is not the business of your adult children.

Make it clear that you love them but that you will not allow them to dictate your life

It's a difficult situation OP, but your approach sounds very fair - good luck and hopefully things will improve over time.

It seems very shallow and judgemental of your children! I've been told I shouldn't take calls from him in the presence of any of my children.
Is there no room to say to the older two ‘snd when you’ve grown up and moved overseas and I’m lonely and your dad is happy with the woman he started dating a week after I ended our marriage, and I know how wonderful this man is and how much I love him, but you told me I can’t have that then upped sticks and left, do you think I will be glad I let you dictate my life? Will you be glad I’m alone then? Will that finally make you happy?

You made your bed and now you have to lie in it. I'm guessing the only person who could possibly help your children see this differently is your ex if indeed what you are saying is true and your both agreed you had been unhappy for some time before the affair (but why would he do that?). Even so, your kids are reacting against the fact that your affair has completely changed their 'normal' and even if your ex were to say "we were both unhappy together and this is for the best" they may still harbour resentment against the other man and this may never go away.

My best friend's dad had an affair which caused the end of the marriage when she was a teen and she refused to have anything to do with the other woman. The relationship persisted for a few years until her dad was forced to realise that he was going to lose his relationship with his daughter and it ended. They have reconciled (he is now remarried and she seems to get on better with the new wife than her dad) but it caused irreparable damage to their relationship.

As for those asking how the ex's new partner is treated - given that she wasn't an affair partner I don't see how that is relevant.

I think you need to set some boundaries. Your private life is not the business of your adult children.

Make it clear that you love them but that you will not allow them to dictate your life

Unfortunately the common response to such an ultimatum is to cut off contact as, quite rightly, the adult children can say that their mother has no right to dictate who they do and do not associate with either. OP needs to be careful here, simply telling her children it is none of their business could easily backfire.

I've never given "just get on with it" as an option.

I know you never said this.

I can see from your last update how much the situation affects you.

I was going to say I don't understand why the children don't like their dad's GF ...but it could be that he got with her so quickly afterwards, hardly giving them time to get used to the split.

@Eleganz My exH did say that, why would I make something up like that? He also spoke to our middle child and told them the same and explained that he had changed over the past 5 years or so, become more antisocial and grumpy and this had made me unhappy. But then at some point his attitude completely changed towards me and there has been nothing but contempt.
When I initially told him about the affair he dismissed it and said it was the symptom of an unhappy marriage. Obviously he was upset and also very shocked, but within 48 hours, he had come back and literally said "You are right, we have not been happy for a while, we should have done this a few years ago. I didn't start the conversation as I knew this would be the outcome and I didn't have the balls"

But yes I made my bed. I am lying in it. I would never dictate who my children have to associate with and if they were never happy about my relationship even after a longer period of time, as it seems to be the consensus that it hasn't been long enough - fair enough - then I have a difficult decision to make. I am not harsh enough to tell them its none of their business.

seems very shallow and judgemental of your children! I've been told I shouldn't take calls from him in the presence of any of my children.
Is there no room to say to the older two ‘snd when you’ve grown up and moved overseas and I’m lonely and your dad is happy with the woman he started dating a week after I ended our marriage, and I know how wonderful this man is and how much I love him, but you told me I can’t have that then upped sticks and left, do you think I will be glad I let you dictate my life? Will you be glad I’m alone then? Will that finally make you happy?’

This man was the affair partner, as much as the OW is condemned on here as morally bankrupt and contemptible for involving herself in someone else’s marriage, the same should, and does, apply to this man.

I don’t see how this is a choice between this man and being alone, as if OP can’t move on to meet someone else completely removed from her previous infidelity and the break up of her marriage. I doubt the children would have the same issue then, as it seems they actively despise this particular man because of his actions alongside OP’s.

Personally I don’t see how OP can begin to improve her relationship with her children while this man is on the scene, given the strength of feeling involved.

Look, this problem seems to have stemmed because you stayed in an unhappy marriage “for the children” and waited until they were in college to make your plans to leave.

You have prioritised you’re children & made their reactions/opinions/feelings the centre of your world to the point of martyring yourself in an unhappy marriage, so they could have the perfect mother part player for them

The problem is they have left the nest & you’ve crumbled without them. You had the chance to make quiet, well planned steps to leave but instead you’ve had an emotional meltdown & had an adulterous relationship, blowing up the family your children grew up their whole lives believing was real.

While almost undoubtedly the children would have learnt to Cope with a divorce & new partners in their youth, at this adult age it can be difficult to process, it must feel a bit like a death to them perhaps ?

I do not blame them for not wanting to know this man.

But i will say perhaps it’s time to talk to your kids like adults & tell them that you made a terrible mistake to stay so long and at the time you thought it was for them but in reality you were just scared.

You’ve made mistakes. You are human. You deserve love & while it may not have been done in the best way, what’s done is done. Live for you, if your kids don’t want to be involved, respect that. You waited so long to live for you while they grew up - they should not be at the centre of all your life decisions. They don’t need to approve of or understand every choice you make.

Own your decisions, speak candidly & that is the best way forward out of this I feel.

There is a massive difference between a mother prioritising her new relationship with an abusive and unpleasant partner over her children’s well-being and safety, and adult children controlling their parents lives with manipulative and unreasonable behaviour.

I’ve been watching this thread with interest OP - you’re being very good at taking some of the very upfront criticism on here and I admire your bravery and honesty. The posters who have been against you are correct though, in my experience of the impact on the child affected.

However, I’m not sure you realise exactly how much you’ve hurt your family and in particular your eldest. For whatever reason she is holding on to her hurt and you should explore that with her or it will never go away, for either of you.

For those saying that the children are basically grown ups and need to lump it - that’s just awful. To say that a parent/child relationship should be risked in any way for the sake of a relationship is appalling to me. I question why people with that view had children, it they don’t feel that they are a priority. I appreciate this is not your view OP but I can’t believe how callous some people have been about that point.

@NicelySpicy thank you. That's really kind. I don't think I'm unreasonable and I'm open to all opinions. I'm painfully aware of my faults and errors, struggling to live with them and this last year has been the darkest for a very long time, mentally, but I asked because I wanted all sides.

I've talked as much a my children have wanted to, so far, offered professional help if they wanted it (no), made it very clear that no topic is off topic and genuinely have tried to make the separation as open, honest and amicable as I could. That does take at least two though and that's been an issue, which is also fine and to be expected.

I don't expect to end up like a Disney movie. I'd love for a peaceful existence but that's the most I'd wish for.

I'll sit it out. But I'm prepared to be single if that's the only way to keep my children in my life because I couldn't bear to lose them. It's hard enough now barely seeing them.

I’m not sure if you’ve gone into detail, or if you even want to, about what it was that made you realise your marriage was over. Did you just grow apart? Was it after your first child? Making a marriage work is a massive effort. Did it just not feel it was worth fighting for? I understand if you don’t want to answer, but sometimes this stuff can hold the clues as to what’s gone wrong with the kids.

Also - I hope you don’t have to be single but it’s nice to hear your commitment to your kids. If you can reach a resolution it would be best for all of you.

In my own experience while we adults may mellow somewhat the kids never do . There is always going to be those awkward times ahead . Are you ready for years of eg seeing grandchildren but him not being there ? You can talk until the cows come home but what's done is done . Relationships end of course but it is how it was done that is at the heart of the matter . Time and time over you hear the affair person saying "but what about my happiness ? " I think you are just going to have to have two very compartmentalised lives . You've done this before of course .

Relationships end of course but it is how it was done that is at the heart of the matter

Yes, how you end one relationship impacts the start of the next one.

Op, the conflict and distance could heighten your relationship, be cautious, as it may make you over look faults.