Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

I just want to make it clear I have not, am not and will not force anything. This is apparent as they have not met unless we have literally walked past him in the street (twice in one day, that's it) and other than saying if they ever wanted to, just let me know as I was NOT going to force it, it hasn't been mentioned.

I don't know where this sudden outburst came from about the phone call which then unleashed all the rest of what my eldest said to me, but clearly its been brewing for some time.

My eldest did actually say that if I remain with this man I wont see my children and she expects a lot of the extended family would side with them.

That would be a huge issue for me and I felt like I was on the verge of having to make that choice, right now, at the insistence of my eldest child. Hence why I posted to ask if this is others experience, or what others have done.

There is obviously the other side that we are very much in love, rightly or wrongly, and it would be devastating to end it. But they are my children, and they only get one mum.

OP this does sound distressing for all of you. As a complete outsider I'm just trying to look at the situation from your children's point of view.
There's a bit of an age gap between your eldest child and the second and third. Given you say that their father has been emotionally distant all their lives and you have (perhaps in their view) been distracted by your partner and divorce when the younger two are at tricky ages. Perhaps your eldest daughter is trying to be the available adult to them. If your marriage was so bad for so long as a young adult she will be well aware of that and could be carrying some resentment of that atmosphere?

[quote autumnalrain]@Outbutnotoutout I honestly pray your partner/husband has an affair in the future. I just want to put to the test that this will be your reaction.[/quote]
I was in a 30yr marriage, very unhappy for the last 10yrs. We split exhusband had a new GF within 2 weeks. I also met a man, we were friends for yrs before.

If the lines blured a bit from leaving one to starting another so what, we were both desperately unhappy. Now we aren't!

My children were ok, told me I should have left years ago. Partners children took a bit longer to come round. But hey their grown ups 🤷‍♀️

"I was referring to life generally, but thanks."

I know this is difficult for you but I'm being honest. If you were a man here then you'd get very different responses but what did you expect to happen?

It's so easy to say "I'm a very forgiving person, I don't bear grudges" when you're the one asking for forgiveness.

Furthermore, this sentence suggests that somehow the kids are wrong to feel unforgiving towards the pair of you. That instead they should just forgive and forget. Maybe they don't want to.

When you chose to cheat, that's the risk you took. It didn't work out for you and that's completely understandable on their part. I also understand why you're sad about that but couldn't choose a man over my relationship with my kids.

@DavidsSchitt I must have expressed my posts wrong, so I am sorry. I am not looking for forgiveness, I completely realise and admit what I did was wrong, but the fact is I can't change it or how they feel about it.

I realise I am stuck in the middle, of my own doing, but as I am in the thick of it, I felt the need to seek outside advice and opinion.

I am aware that the responses haven't been as harsh as they could have been and FWIW for the first 50 years of my life, I had a similar opinion on people who cheat. Yes, I wish I hadn't but I did and without outing myself, there were very specific reasons for remaining married for longer than we should, on both sides. Hindsight is wonderful. I am not proud.

This is my experience of parental infidelity and why I didn't want to know my DM's latest partner, then husband. Infidelity by its nature involves a lot of lying and deceit. It was obvious to me what was going on but my DM kept up the facade that she was leaving my step father because of how awful the marriage was. A lot of it was true but she manipulated the situation to this whole facade that she was leaving to be on her own for a while. She was actually plotting with the new man and intended to launch him on us at a family party, again a manipulation as she knew I was unlikely to kick off in public about it.

When it did come out and we were affected by the fallout (these things don't happen in a vacuum) I made the decision to not have anything to do with my DMs new partner. I tried to have some form of relationship with my DM but she wasn't having it without the facade of her new happy family. Effectively I wasn't allowed to have any feelings about her behaviour, she denied any wrong doing or acknowledged his her behaviour had affected or hurt us and demanded that we accept the new partner. Not sure if any if this is relevant to you but for me being expected to put up and shut up because she was 'happy' was the last straw.

My eldest did actually say that if I remain with this man I wont see my children and she expects a lot of the extended family would side with them

Adults and children are allowed to make judgements and should be allowed to choose who they socialise with.

Parents who have affairs have made selfish and immature decisions and they have also shown themselves to be liars. Harsh but true. There is never an excuse to have an affair and it is a choice to deceive. Should you be forgiven? Perhaps they will but it will take way more time than 2.5years. It seems your ex was aware of how badly the children would take your affair and he did want to protect you from this but how did they find out? If it was dramatic it's will only have increased their dislike for you and affair partner. Children want to forgive parents and try to maintain relationships with a parent as the parent child bond is usually strong. This has damaged the bond and repair is up to you but trust isn't easily restored. Knowing your mum had an affair when you're a teen is probadly the worse time. Can you relate to that? Don't put this on your ex, that way of thinking won't help you, it is your help job to fix your relationship with your children.

Re the calls..I am aware of a similar situation and in that case the parent isn't taking the child's perspective. The affair parent takes calls at inappropriate times and then is gushy on the phone (adopts a different persona) so the child feels very uncomfortable. The parent refuses to acknowledge they behave like this and doesn't modify their behaviour. Perhaps try to take an outside perspective and see if you have done similar things in the past.

You obviously care for your children but I think it starts with fully understanding the impact an affair has...it has blown up their view of you can you will be different to them. Let them take time to re learn who you are and hopefully they will learn to trust you.

My advice,keep your partner 100% separate. He doesn't need to be involved in your extended family. It would be nice but it's not essential and certainly not worth breaking family bonds over.

#Dacquoise, that's exactly the perspective needed to balance this. The op might not be consciously aware of her behaviour but she is likely to have tried to influence the perception of the affair,putting the positive spin on it and with older children it isn't going to wash, especially when the children have been affected by the split.

Do you have contact now?

No I am NC with my DM. My case is slightly more extreme as my DM was a serial adulterer throughout our childhood. We were unwilling accomplices to her cheating. She cheated on my both my dad and my stepfather with current husband number three.

But the point I am trying to make is that children have their own feelings about adultery. They are not always going to be 'glad' for the adulterer being happy with a new partner. I have never had an open conversation with my DM about her behaviour or an apology for how it affected us children. Perhaps the Op needs to do that to clear the air.

I'm very much a forgiving person, I don't bear grudges, I believe some people can change and are able to learn from their mistakes and tend to err on that side until I'm proven wrong about someone. Sadly at least 2 of my children are outspoken and judgemental, not just about me, about life in general.
Not to go on about this point excessively, but this does sound like you're saying that your children are being judgemental by disliking your dp, and that you would be more forgiving. I don't see how else to interpret it.

And yes, "I would be more forgiving", from the cheater, is not a good look, sorry.

The sad thing is OP, if you were in a miserable marriage then so were your children. I'm assuming they didn't know about your four year plan? So from their POV their established norm came to an abrupt end because of your affair. They may find it easier with their emotionally distant father because their shared hurt might've given them some much needed common ground.

So the question is how can you make clear that their needs are still your priority in these new circumstances? I think only you can answer that.
@dacquoise thank you for sharing that.

This sounds like its mostly the 25 yo causing the problems?
Okay, you did thing the wrong way around with this man, but is your 25 yo independently living eldest expecting you to be forever single, and periodically flog yourself in the market place to boot in some sort of act of penance, whilst your ex is allowed to merrily get on with his relationship?
Keep your relationship with your new man separate to the one with your 16 yo.

Difficult one. I feel for you but trying to put myself in their shoes. Your eldest is 25, I am late 20s. If my step mum had an affair and left my dad right now, I would be devastated. Even if my dad eventually said he understood, I would find it very difficult to move past. I would eventually, and my dad being happy again would help, but I think it will take time.

@ravenmum

And yes, "I would be more forgiving", from the cheater, is not a good look, sorry.

Its losing something in interpretation. I don't expect forgiveness, I have tried to make that clear. I don't expect them to welcome my partner with open arms, I just hoped they would accept our relationship at some point and this made me question this ever happening, hence asking the question about whether it would be the thing to do to end it. Clearly there are mixed opinions and I did expect to be hated for cheating, of course I did. Just being honest. I could have left that part out but it wouldn't have been the whole truth or picture then. They haven't really accepted my exH partner, so who knows, maybe they wouldn't like anyone for me either. I have no way of knowing, its too late for that.

I didn't say you were expecting forgiveness. I meant that you shouldn't be criticising them for being judgemental. You seem to be contrasting their inability to forgive with your kind, forgiving nature - forgetting that you are not the one whose ability to forgive is being very sorely tested.

Funnily enough my DM always says 'the past is the past and people should just move on'

I certainly don't think your children should be dictating who you see. But they can absolutely dictate who they see.

You reap what you sow in a situation like this . Rightly or wrongly they see you as the person who broke up the marriage and your partner as the co conspirator who helped you. Other reasons behind the break up will not feature in their minds. It is irrelevant that their Dad is now happy . They would not grudge you a new partner and happiness . It is purely because you and he broke up their family life as they knew it . They see it as YOU choosing HIM over them . It really is that simple .

@ravenmum

I certainly don't think your children should be dictating who you see. But they can absolutely dictate who they see.

I totally understand that. But that's exactly what has happened, I've been dictated to that I shouldn't see him and if I do then I have to pay the price.

Despite what I've done, that shocked and hurt me. No, we don't need to live with one another, he doesn't have to play a part in their lives, but to be told I should end it "or else" really did shock me.

I'm not defending what I've done in anyway. I don't mean to sound like I don't like that they are being judgemental of me, they are of everything - friends, family, work colleagues, tutors etc. I was just explaining how different we are, in case this helped explain the situation.

Anyway, separate they shall remain. I will have to be extremely careful not to mention my partner either, or refer to things we do at all as it appears that's going to be the only way for now.

Thanks all. It's given me different perspectives. I already knew I was in the wrong, just wasn't sure how to move forward on this.

Well an affair wasn't the ideal way of ending your marriage...but as the saying goes 'one should not judge until you have walked a mile in someones' shoes'.
You have not gone about things the best way, but that does not mean you have to flog yourself for the rest of your life ffs.

What is done is done and you have found someone you love, some people never find that, do not let it go.

You say it is your eldest who is effectively asking you to choose. They of course have the right to not have a relationship with your partner, in the same way as you have that right to choose to stay in a loving relationship, or are they asking you to pay penance and live your life out alone in a shack for them to be happy?

Also these 'kids' are not really 'kids' are they, they are adults now.

IMO you need to keep the two things separate for the time being. See him when you're not with your kids, make time for your dc (and switch your phone off) and forget plans to live together for now.

I feel like you need to focus on repairing your relationship with your dc, at least until the youngest has left home.

Sorry OP, I started writing this reply and got distracted before posting, missed your latest update.

KidsDisapprove, you can weather this storm, you are still your children's mum and their dad has moved on.

Just don't mention your boyfriend to them at all and don't attempt living with him. You can enjoy seeing each other without either of you moving in with the other, in fact many would say that is preferable.

I'm in a similar situation in that I ended an abusive marriage when my dd was 11, thinking that I would stay until she was older but got to the point of being unable to tolerate the abuse any longer.
2 years after the divorce I have met an amazing man & we are now 8 months into our relationship. My Dd struggles with the relationship I have with my new man. I think she's (sadly) not witnessed what a loving & healthy relationship looks like. That said, we don't do PDA in front of her. She also feels like she's betraying her dad by liking my new man (despite the ex also moving on) "she doesn't want a new daddy" but I have made it clear, that would never be the intention.
My thoughts are that;
Despite their 'upset' over your relationship, they need to be respectful
They cannot bully you into doing what they want
Set some boundaries / ground rules
They are no longer children, they will continue with their lives & as patents we become less needed. You are also entitled to a life & having a loving relationship does not dilute your love for your children

Being happy & loving your children is, or should definitely not be a choice. Life is too short:
As time moves forward they will come to accept that he is part of your life.