Kids Totally Disapprove of relationship

[KidsDisapprove]

I won't drop feed. I was utterly miserably married, had a 4 year plan to leave when my youngest went to uni but I couldn't bear it any longer.
In the meantime I fell in love with someone else.
Realise this is completely wrong but it happened.
2.5 years later and we are at the point of living together but my children hate this man. They've refused to get to know him and treat me with contempt if I even take a call from him when they're there.
I've just had my eldest ranting on the phone to me as I took a call for 2 mins if that yesterday as he was asking if I as having a lovely Mother's Day.
I feel totally torn. I love this man so much. But they're my children.
Their dad is happy with someone else and has been for over a year now.
Not sure if I need to give any more information - would you end a relationship for your children, I guess is what I'd like to know.

I think you should tell your eldest child, especially, to keep their opinions to themselves. You are entitled to live your life.

@ravenmum
I kept contact to when they weren't around initially but on occasion over recent months he has called when I've been driving my youngest or when one of the others has been here but rarely. Apparently, again according to my eldest, it's not normal how often we talk to one another but we've always had the odd 1-2 minute call as we are both busy and don't live together and working patterns sometimes mean we don't see one another for a week or more.
However I only had the marriage break up conversation with the children once and I don't sling mud or do anything more than ask about their dads welfare etc.

You were in an unhappy marriage, you split and your ex now agrees it was the right thing to do.

You fell in love with someone new,.ok you probably should have waited but life doesn't work like that.

You are an adult and deserve to be happy and have a life, away from the kids.

They too will grow up and realise life isn't always black and white.

Don't let them blackmail you

Be firm and tell them you love them and always will, but you also have to live your own life. You say the youngest will come round, so let him.

Life is so short

My mum left my dad for her now husband, after a long and nasty affair - I was 11. I hated his guts, wished the worst for them both. It took years to forgive, but I now love him lots, and he is hugely important to me.

@KidsDisapprove
Why on earth should your children accept the man you had an affair with? Affair or not, they didn't choose this random man to be part of their lives and he has nothing to do with them.

I think you have a right to happiness and your children need to learn to respect that, especially the older one. Yes, it wasn't the best thing to do to have an affair, but as you said, you planned to leave your husband anyway and, if they don't know that, I think they should be told.

It's very difficult to see your mother with a man who is not your dad, but that may well have been the case even if you'd left your husband prior to meeting this man.

I think it would be different if they were much younger and still very dependent on you, but at the ages they are, I think they need to realise their own lives are / will soon be moving on, and there's no reason for you to sacrifice yourself.

It sounds like you keep your relationship well apart from your children anyway - maybe only the 16 year old is directly impacted? You probably need to continue that for a few years, but ultimately why should you be alone just because your grown up children aren't happy about you having a relationship?

In time they will understand more and their negative feelings will likely decrease.

As for the idea that men come and go, well, no they don't necessarily. Not everyone finds love easily.

I think some posters are being overly harsh. Yes your children come first, but you haven't pushed them away deliberately or stopped being their mum. They can't expect to be the centre of your world forever, but they will still be able to have a relationship with you, if they wish to.

Sounds like your ex might have poisoned them against you - if it were me, I would stand up for myself and tell them my side of things (without trashing your ex, of course).

You fell in love with someone new,.ok you probably should have waited but life doesn't work like that.

Would you say that to a man posting here, @Outbutnotoutout? Would you say that if your own partner had an affair?

I've been told I shouldn't take calls from him in the presence of any of my children.

Who told you this? The eldest? The 25 yo? Is it as DS or a DD?

Surely someone that old knows that as an adult you can have relationships. Your exh has got a new partner, your marriage of old is long dead.

Your kids have no right to hold you hostage. Especially not the one who’s left the house and living independently!

Can they not see how ridiculous they are?

Children DONT always come first. Adults and near adults know that others have priorities and while their views are heard, they aren’t in the position to tell their parent what she can and can’t do

OP given that you regret having an affair, and ending the marriage in the way that you did, and that your kids aren’t happy about it.....why would you make things worse by living with your partner? Why not stay living separately for longer? It’s not essential to cohabit.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I had the same experience. My parents should have seperated when I was 9, instead the marriage limped on until I was 21 - including after my father actually tried to dump my mother, myself and my two brothers on the other side of the world, when I was 11. That's how desperate he was to get away from my mother and family life. For some insane reason she STILL stayed with him, even though he confessed to his plan at the time (his plan failed literally at the last minute).

However I feel no guilt, just anger about it all. They didn't really 'stay for the children' they stayed (mainly my mother) because she didn't want to seem less than perfect to her extended family. Their whole marriage was a frigging facade.

@Outbutnotoutout I honestly pray your partner/husband has an affair in the future. I just want to put to the test that this will be your reaction.

I was the OW in very similar circumstances to your situation OP. DPs teen didn't want to know for a long time, however he did agree to meet me and found out he actually likes me and he likes spending time at our house.

My eldest was wary of DP for a while, not because he didn't like him, he just hated the idea of me being with someone who wasn't his dad and told me he would never accept me being with someone else. This was before he even knew I was.

However he came around and now they get on and I can see that DS does like DP.

I don't believe that adults should be slaves to their children forever. I made it clear to DS that yes, I am mum and it is my most important role, however it isn't the only thing in my life and I have a right to a life outside of that. He didn't like it at first but got used to it.

As long as you know a partner isn't a complete bellend and treats your children with respect, I wouldn't leave him over their tantrum especially at their ages where they won't be at home for much longer anyway. In fact you only have the youngest one there and they are the most likely to come around. I'd just put the living together on hold for now.

[quote autumnalrain]@Outbutnotoutout I honestly pray your partner/husband has an affair in the future. I just want to put to the test that this will be your reaction.[/quote]
What a vile person you are.

@saraclara

If a man posted what you have, he'd be hung, drawn and quartered by MN, OP. I'm amazed that so many people have said that the kids should put up and shut up.

Double standards of course.

The OM wasn't the reason that they split ... There was cracks in the relationship before this man came along

Yet if a man said this, he'd be accused of rewriting history.

The children will think that, and probably fuelled by the EXH, but if you are in a happy, loving and respectful relationship then nobody would be able to break that.

Never in a million years would it be accepted thst a man cheated because he was unhappy in a relationship with no love or respect.

Your children may never accept him and you need to be prepared for that. Keep them separate or your relationship with them could become non existent.

Your marriage broke down and ended after 3 kids...this relationship could end just the same and you'll have lost any relationship with your DC forever.
Is he worth losing the relationship with 2 of your 3 kids?

I've been told I shouldn't take calls from him in the presence of any of my children.

It's not an unreasonable request.
Just decline the call...and send a message saying you're busy and you'll call later.

My parents split up in similar circumstances when I was 18 although it was my dad who had an affair. They had an unhappy marry and should have split up years before but didn't 'for the children'. It was messy and really hard to deal with. 25 years on I love my step mum but it took time. Very soon after the separation my mum got with my step dad. He was an arsehole, even though she loved him (he's dead now) I never liked him and it massively affected my relationship with my mum (same as my siblings).

Your children may come to like him or they may not but I think it's unfair for people to say they're 16+ so they should deal with. They're still young and it's a hell of a big thing to happen- especially process a parent having an affair.

No affair here but when I was dating I didn't involve the kids and even now only see my boyfriend when the kids aren't here and tend to not speak to him when they are here.

I know one of my kids told my eldest that she wasn't happy that I was dating but was fine with her dad dating.

I spoke to her and told her that she didn't need to worry that until I was serious with someone, she wouldn't meet them and even then i wouldn't live with them whilst the kids still lived at home.

I don't think it is fair for kids to have to share their home with a stranger, however nice they are.

I would speak to your kids and tell them that your relationship isn't any business of theirs. What concerns them is that you and their dad love and care for them and will always be there for them.

And then for now at least, only see and speak to tour boyfriend when they're not with you.

Thank you again everyone.

When I said we are at the stage of living together, what I mean is we are talking about the next step which would be living together. It's definitely not imminent but I guess the incident with my eldest has really shocked me and made me question if this could ever happen, whether my youngest still lives with me part time or not.

My partner is on the verge of starting a new job where he will only be here for six months of the year in 2 week blocks, which is part of the reason we discussed living together at some point.

However this will have to wait clearly. I did want different perspectives and that's what I've got so I thank you all again.

I think I suppose I'm struggling to get my head round it if I keep them totally separate even if I wait two years until my youngest goes to uni, my partner will still be a stranger to them because they won't know him at all. Obviously I've never done this before but is that the norm? Even without the affair - if I'd met somebody and had a four year relationship with them with my children barely knowing they exist and then suddenly we live together? because if my children don't have anything to do with them then that also excludes him from every family occasion, so nobody in my life will know him except me and then suddenly we live together. To genuine question because obviously this wasn't an issue when I met my exH.

Did your kids know the other man while you were still in your marriage? I ask because my mum did this - had an affair for 2 years with a man who was her colleague and who often would socialise with all of us. Then when she left my dad for him, it was so incredibly painful and humiliating for my dad, and me and my siblings (I, 21; my sibs 18 and 14)felt some of that too. I truly felt what it's like to be gaslit ,and then my mum sort of expected us to move on and accept her new partner.

I mean we all did accept him, eventually. He was a very nice man (well apart from the cheating on his own wife and child) and a loving husband to her in ways my dad wasn't, and when he died 10 years ago we all mourned and my dad even came to his funeral.
But it was so extremely painful to me for a good number of years, and that's a fraction of the pain my dad went through. I only started feeling ok about it in my 30s after a lot of therapy.
My mum did very little to help us with it. I know she felt terribly guilty but she was unable to face that guilt, her way of dealing with it was sort of to brush everything under the carpet.
It might be that this will take a lot of time, and you will need to help your kids with it - yes even the 25 year old! (you sound like you've already done a lot more than my mum did!). You've been mentally checked out of your marriage for many years but to your children I imagine the shock is still raw.

@Grimsknee no. None of us knew him at all. Our lives had never crossed.
I've tried to gently introduce him, not physically but mentioning him occasionally in conversation or if they asked what I'm doing that day/evening or if I'd already made plans with him that couldn't be changed to accommodate a last minute request from them, I've told them.
Middle child has blown hot and cold. Several times over the last year they've said they'd like to get to know him eventually, said it would be nice and new to have a man in their life that was interested in them, (exH very hands off father), invited him along, through me, to help choose a new car (he was working and couldn't but would have felt awkward I think anyway). But then apparently won't ever want anything to do with him, according to my eldest.
I'm very much a forgiving person, I don't bear grudges, I believe some people can change and are able to learn from their mistakes and tend to err on that side until I'm proven wrong about someone. Sadly at least 2 of my children are outspoken and judgemental, not just about me, about life in general.
I've been told by friends to acting in an apologetic way, stop allowing them to make me feel guilt, I apologised, I've been there for them completely throughout, I can do no more.
But I'm not a horrible person, I do feel apologetic and guilt and I wear my heart on my sleeve, it's written all over me.

I think I suppose I'm struggling to get my head round it if I keep them totally separate even if I wait two years until my youngest goes to uni, my partner will still be a stranger to them because they won't know him at all. Obviously I've never done this before but is that the norm? Even without the affair - if I'd met somebody and had a four year relationship with them with my children barely knowing they exist and then suddenly we live together?
I don't think there's a norm! I've been with my current bf more than 4 years and the kids have only ever seen him a few times in passing - they don't live with me any more, and the bf and I don't live together, and I've never felt like there should be some kind of official introduction :) so they don't know him. As they're never going to live with me and him, it's not a big deal to me.

I know his daughter slightly better as she still lives with him, but tbh I try to keep out of her way as she only sees her dad half the time and I don't want to get in the way of that.

When my dad remarried I was 12 and I had met his new wife just a few times; my mum moved quite a distance away, so I didn't see him much. I wasn't at all keen on her at first - she was kind and nice, but I didn't want to share my dad. Now I talk to her more than I do my dad!

Your boys are clearly affected by their dad's difficult attitude, but in your position I think I'd give them a good bit longer to get used to the idea. Personally I would forgive them some hurt feelings and potential jealousy towards a new partner at this relatively early stage.

"I'm very much a forgiving person, I don't bear grudges"

Said every man and woman that ever had an affair

I had the same issue although it was his 'DC's' who were 19 & 22, both away at uni, and it was his ex-wife who had left to have an affair.
After 6 years of daily verbal attacks and endless spite I took our son and left.

Sorry but if you try to force the issue, you will be made to choose. Stop trying to create any sort of relationship between them. Be their mum when they are there and see your dp when they are with their dad. If dp loves you, he'll cope.

@DavidsSchitt

"I'm very much a forgiving person, I don't bear grudges"

Said every man and woman that ever had an affair

@DavidsSchitt I was referring to life generally, but thanks.

I haven't gone into the details of my marriage, but it wouldn't make for pleasant reading and I am not here blaming or slating exH, for example.