He did the mash. The Geller mash.

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Thread 4. Wow. Thank you for putting up with my ramblings thus far, and for all the support - I couldn't have done it without you all.

Previous thread here

I can confirm he has purchased a masher. He sent me a picture of it and asked if it was alright

Polly could you ask your friends to talk to the dog breeder? You shouldn't get involved directly but it's going to be a disaster for all involved, not least the puppy.

Fucking hell a vizla?! They’re awesome but working dogs, it will eat his house!

Honestly I wouldn’t get involved or offer an opinion - other than ‘it’s not coming here’ if asked - if the breeder is reputable she won’t let the pups go to just anyone although the fact they’re due in a month and she has some possibly available may not be a brilliant sign. In any case at least they’re being bought up in a home with children so hopefully that’ll help with your girls.

Is there any legal implication to him spending £3k with an on going financial agreement/divorce proceedings? Sort of "asset stripping" type thing? Might be worth asking SHL just in case.
I have a feeling that the breeder has been polite but noncommittal though and he has just Gellerised the conversation in his head.

She’s only talking about his anger because she’s also experiencing it. That’s what you need to fix, not shutting down your daughters attempt to help you when you’re the one who should be helping her. You know, the parent.

I would ask shl about spending large amounts. As no way would I be paying half for a dog, but hopefully when you get word to the parent it’s easy to shut down.

Definitely talk to SHL

Gosh OP, he really hasn't any shame, imposing on people.

I don't wish to upset you OP, but it is heartbreaking that your 8-ish year old is choosing a present for her father to help him manage his anger.
That is really shocking that at that age she is so aware of his issues.

I would think that it would be important to tell your SHL and to get proof of it via telling him this.

I believe you are being played.
The dog is a very strange decision for a man who can't tolerate his children.

Be very suspicious.
I would be making it very clear to your child it is for Daddy's house only.

He could be doing this to mess with you.

Is Visla lady - single, by any chance? Or either of your experienced Visla owning friends?

Definitely speak to lawyer about dog a) re asset-stripping and b) firmly-worded letter explaining that it is not going to your house and that all of it’s expenses (food, vet bills, vaccinations, parasite treatment, insurance, damage, training, equipment, grooming, registration, boarding, etc...) are remaining with him for the lifetime of the animal. (Just in case you are saddled with it... seems kind of inevitable that if he gets it, this will happen.)
Obvious ploy to convince girls that Dad’s house is much nicer place to be than Mum’s so he can push for 50/50. Also, if kids are playing with puppy, they’re not bugging him.

Vizsla lady is lovely. Bit scatty perhaps.

Married and in one of those couples that are so sappy about each other and completely in love it makes you either want to throw up or resolve to stand firm until you have a relationship like that.

Running friend knows her well and is happy to have the conversation- she’s left her a message asking to speak to her.

Exactly - this is (IF it is true) such a thinly veiled attempt to buy their affections.

I know @billy1966 - that’s what I’m afraid of. And he’s using the children to play with me. Either way, this isn’t going to end well.

I think the reason I’m so upset is that I have been desperate for a dog for a couple of years.

I make do with borrowing friends dogs because owning a dog myself is not the right thing to do - I work practically full time, the kids are too young to leave in the house if I need to take it for a walk, and our previous garden was too small. Also I’m concerned that DD1s meltdowns would create the wrong environment, although many people have said an animal could really help her.

I was responsible and did the right thing, even though it wasn’t what I wanted. It wouldn’t have been fair on a dog. It still wouldn’t be fair on one, hence why once again I am not getting one, and won’t for the foreseeable future.

Right, I’m going to put my Calm app on and try and get some sleep. I’ll go for a run in the morning and hopefully restore some equilibrium.

An animal may well help your DD, but it has to be the right one, and it has to be after you've had a full assessment of what she needs. That's going to take time.

I hope your Calm and your run settle you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this.

OP,

If possible, don't acknowledge the news, don't rise to the bait.

Feigning complete indifference would be best as it really is NOTHING to do with you.

I have no doubt that such an incompetent will be looking for assistance and support with a dog.
Don't go there, stay completely out of it.
If the dog was ever to visit your house, it could be used to try and control you.

Start as you mean to go, so the girls never associate or expect to see the dog at your house.

His hiding money tells me EVERYTHING about him.

Do not trust him for a minute.
He is a deeply dishonest and dishonourable man.

He's not going to get a dog.

What he will most likely do is deny any knowledge of ever having suggested getting a dog.

Just ignore. If the girls mention it use one of your phrases - 'That's something for Daddy to decide' - and change the subject.

I too wondered if saying he was getting a puppy was damage limitation after upsetting DD so much. Yep he will then give some lame excuse as to why it isn't happening.

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I think you need to let go and let him do whatever he's going to do. I'm not sure updating these threads is helping you to do that. So many posters are following your life here like it's a soap opera and they enjoy hearing about the next drama. I think you're far too invested in what he's doing with his life.

Cut all contact apart from what is absolutely necessary and try to let go of caring about what he does. I understand that's hard because he's been such a prick to you for so long, there's almost a joy to be had in seeing him struggle. You feel vindicated. But really, you need to just focus on yourself and get on with your own life.

I think friend having a word with the breeder and Pollyanna talking to her SHL from the angle of her ex spending big amounts of money when the finances have yet to be split is a good idea.

I wouldn’t engage with Geller about it.

I think DD’s gift, I’d talk to DD and just agree with her that daddy wasn’t nice when he said what he did. And it’s a lovely thoughtful gift.

I have a DC who has meltdowns and having a cat has been good for him because cats just take themselves off to hide if they have had too much. We have made sure we have bold and self assured cats too. They have guinea pigs at school and they are all good pets for a small amount of teaching regulation followed by "and now the pet needs a rest".

I know a few people that have got therapy cats for their DC. Lots of success with Somali, Abyssinian, Ragdoll, Maine Coons. All bigger breeds tbh. Boys tend to be more chilled than girls IME

Really uncomfortable with the talk of animals as somehow being "support" aids. Animals have autonomy, individual personalities and should not be used to support children (or adults) in this way.
An yes, have children With ASD and other diagnoses, still not comfortable with this re. Animals

I very much doubt @StuckInPollyannaMode is going to be getting an animal atm. Also think that friend having the conversation with breeder is awesome. Suspect Geller’s next dick move is “Mummy said I wasn’t allowed to get the puppy.” @StuckInPollyannaMode might have to preempt that one by explaining that all decisions made for Daddy’s new house, including what animals live there, are Daddy’s decisions. All decisions for Mummy’s house are Mummy’s decisions, etc. It also explains that Mummy and Daddy no longer make those decisions together.

@frazzledasarock

I think friend having a word with the breeder and Pollyanna talking to her SHL from the angle of her ex spending big amounts of money when the finances have yet to be split is a good idea.

I wouldn’t engage with Geller about it.

I think DD’s gift, I’d talk to DD and just agree with her that daddy wasn’t nice when he said what he did. And it’s a lovely thoughtful gift.

I don't think it's a good idea. At the moment it is just speculation and gossip which the lawyer isn't going to want to get dragged into. The dog breeder can make their own decisions as to whether it's a suitable home for a dog and so can he. It's nothing to do with OP unless he actually goes ahead with it and then she can ask her lawyer to take the costs into account. That's all.

Take the focus off him and what he may or may not do and just look after yourself and your girls OP. You don't want to be crying over his decisions any more.

I think justilou has it right. 'That's daddy's decision to make' and move on. Don't engage with him over it at all. And make sure that any steps you take are with your girls' welfare and yours in mind. I strongly doubt he will get a dog. It would be a level of responsibility he's just not capable of.

@TheSilveryPussycat

Perhaps he is thinking that joint custody means sharing resources like your IT and your brain.

It’s funny how all that parenting was a piece of piss when you did it and now oh so complicated when he has to do some.