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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He did the mash. The Geller mash.

938 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 12/03/2021 15:55

Thread 4. Wow. Thank you for putting up with my ramblings thus far, and for all the support - I couldn't have done it without you all.

Previous thread here

I can confirm he has purchased a masher. He sent me a picture of it and asked if it was alright Confused

OP posts:
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9
frazzledasarock · 10/04/2021 15:02

Yep you’re right DPotter.

I think Geller is trying to say OP should get less of a settlement as she’ll get a bigger mortgage if she ups her hours.

I was part time during my divorce too. Because o had young children I was working around as tf couldn’t possibly take time out for the dc.

I provided as estimate mortgage from my bank (I forgot what it was actually called, but it didn’t require a hard credit search), which basically said currently I’d qualify for a mortgage currently.

And I’m sorry but where does Geller think you’re going to magic up a high paying full time job which works around your DC, and allows you to drop everything when Geller was he isn’t coooopppppinnng with his own DC?

Btw you can apply for CMS right now you don’t have to be divorced. And a mortgage application does not take CMS payments into account as they’re not guaranteed.

And he’s ridiculous about getting a council property. Why doesn’t he get a council house if it’s so fucking easy?

frazzledasarock · 10/04/2021 15:03

Currently I would not qualify for a mortgage

BatshitCrazyWoman · 10/04/2021 17:36

I had a mortgage capacity report @frazzledasarock, is that what you meant? I was assessed as not being able to get a mortgage, so got more equity son I could buy a house outright.

frazzledasarock · 10/04/2021 18:01

Yes that’s it. That’s what I had!

NettleTea · 10/04/2021 20:39

@DPotter

Maybe I'm wrong and will happily stand corrected if this is the case - surely what the RP earns has nothing to do with the expectation that NRP pas towards the upkeep of their children. Polly could be earning £10k per hour for her 25 hrs per week and Geller would still be expected to contribute.

sorry if I'm missing the point....

it wont have an effect on maintanance, because that will be based on Gellers wages and how often he has them, but it will have an effect on splitting the assets.
Justilou1 · 11/04/2021 01:38

I just want it in writing that I think he needs a psychological assessment too. Also something from his exes and other kids would be awesome if it could be arranged.

Lougle · 11/04/2021 10:33

He's not falling apart, he's just showing his capacity for parenting, sadly.

Lougle · 11/04/2021 10:52

There is something odd with this thread. It disappears from my TIO and I have to search for it again.

CliffsofMohair · 11/04/2021 11:09

Psychological assessment absolutely. You’re moving towards CAFCASS assessments at this rate. He is not a safe person for the kids to be around (imho)

gallileofigaro · 11/04/2021 11:50

Oh no I am so sorry to read your latest update.

You should come out of the marriage equal parties or at least perhaps 60/40 in your favour. Or hit him for spousal maintenance too.

You need to decide what is in the children's best interests in relation to contact continuing. He is doing terrible damage to them and he's not going to get any better.

I feel for you, you have been amazing, I can tell you love your girls and they are at the centre of your life and decisions.

Whatever happens remember when the day dawns and the girls ask why, you can say with your head held high you did everything to try to make the marriage work and you always put them first.

You are an amazing mum and deserve better than how he's treating you. He's clearly manipulating the dc as it's the only control he has.

Hold your head high xx

RobBeckettsTeeth · 11/04/2021 12:42

I keep losing the thread too.

Delurking to say please go for the jugular. Throw the fucking book at him please

KOKO

StuckInPollyannaMode · 12/04/2021 04:33

I am going away next weekend, to a friends place by the sea.

I am taking my yoga mat and walking boots and gin and running shoes. I’ve just ordered a load of books - a mix of novels and self help stuff. I might even take a look back at some of the stuff I’ve written in the past to see if I can shape them into anything or see if the inspiration for some new writing comes along. Not that I’ll ever do anything with them but it’s nice to write!

Geller is being a twat, FWB is involved in his own stuff (which is fine, of course it is, but feeling a little sore on the pride front, totally my issue not his) and I just want a bloody break.

Oh, and to top it all off I’ve some kind of infection Down There and of course I can’t go actually see a doc, I’ve had to log it all online.

I’m a weird mix of angry and sad and tired and frustrated. I managed to get the last air beam tent in Lidl yesterday having been stalking them for days. It’s kind of triggered this wave of sadness about what might have been. I wanted to take the kids camping for years but he wouldn’t do it. Now I can.

On the flip side we have made the decision to postpone a much longed for holiday (with friends). It was already rolled over from last year. We’re going to push it to May half term. The kids are going to be devastated.

I even let the kids have 2 hours of YouTube bollocks yesterday whilst I got jobs done, most unlike me, then fed them bacon sandwiches for supper.

Back to the running today. And I’ve my haircut Thursday!

Sorry, rather disjointed as an update. Need to work my way out of this funk.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/04/2021 07:41

I'm sorry you're going through a shitty patch, Polly. These things always seem to come in a bunch, all the better to knock you sideways.
All I can say is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your getaway plan is a big positive, just the reset you need.

There'll be more funks, but there will also be an end to this.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 12/04/2021 08:52

With a personality like his, I think you are wise to let the courts decide the way forward. In your shoes I would insist on it as there would always be issues surrounding this.

It's interesting from a psychological point of view to see over the threads that as you have gradually withdrawn from him how he has become less and less functional. I know you know this too but I suspect that he will get to the point where he won't be able to have the girls at all. He sounds like he is on a downward slope in his abilities. Just shows how you were basically propping him up for all those years and probably his mother was doing it before you did.

RonSwansonsChair · 12/04/2021 09:53

I only post once in a blue moon Pollyanna but I'm supporting you virtually all the way!!
Enjoy your break next weekend, sounds like the perfect opportunity to reset.

Justilou1 · 12/04/2021 10:30

This trip away couldn’t possibly come at a better time. You absolutely deserve a lovely break!

Sicario · 12/04/2021 10:43

You might enjoy Clock Dance by Anne Tyler. A gentle, subtle-burn read and very good indeed. She's a stunning writer.

jay55 · 12/04/2021 11:18

Weekend away sounds like a great idea.
Get some space and some sea air.

1WayOrAnother2 · 12/04/2021 12:56

You really do deserve a break and some happiness. Keep fighting for these things ... but enjoy the weekend first.

Welshgal85 · 12/04/2021 14:09

Oh OP, I’m so sorry he is being so awful and difficult. What does your solicitor say about it all?

So glad you have good friends around you for support and have a break planned!

StuckInPollyannaMode · 12/04/2021 14:40

Thanks for all the cheering on folks. I needed that this morning.

Not heard back from solicitor yet.

I had a shirty message this morning because I hadn't replied to one of his emails over the weekend.

He's also asked to meet on Wednesday to discuss various things (nothing bad apparently) including DD1's behaviour. In the message about this, he states:

In terms of summer. Let me say this ahead of us meeting and deciding. I"m relaxed at good activities being booked and cost split, and then us both managing pick ups and drop offs to suit work schedules. We don't need to define your week / my week. However, around that let's define a time for me to go to MIL and have time off, and same for you.

Oh fuck OFF.

Positives.

I had a great 4 mile run this morning, I've only put on 2lbs from having a week off of watching what I weigh, I've a doctor's appointment tonight so can hopefully get that sorted, and I'm absolutely in love with my Babyliss Big Hair - wish I'd got one years ago. I've got friends coming for dinner in the garden and I'm making kedgeree. I can hear children playing in the garden (not mine, ha) and I've just brewed some cafetiere coffee.

And I've just worn my new leather jacket to put the bins out because WHY THE HELL NOT.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 12/04/2021 14:47

'I'm not available to meet. Feel free to email again with comments, concerns and suggestions'.

He's going to email anyway. No point in ruining your Wednesday with having to see him try to push you into agreeing something you haven't but he'll then claim you did by email.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/04/2021 14:53

Don’t reply or meet. He only wants to complain about you,dd1, dd2 and anyone else who isn’t doing what he wants. And as for his crappy ‘we’ don’t need to have confirmed dates for summer holiday is so he can drop you in it at the last minute.

LannieDuck · 12/04/2021 14:57

I"m relaxed at good activities being booked and cost split, and then us both managing pick ups and drop offs to suit work schedules.

What he actually means is 'I don't want to use loads of annual leave over the summer, but I'll do some childcare when my schedule allows.'

StuckInPollyannaMode · 12/04/2021 14:58

Oh, I’m NOT meeting him!!

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