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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He did the mash. The Geller mash.

938 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 12/03/2021 15:55

Thread 4. Wow. Thank you for putting up with my ramblings thus far, and for all the support - I couldn't have done it without you all.

Previous thread here

I can confirm he has purchased a masher. He sent me a picture of it and asked if it was alright Confused

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Justilou1 · 05/04/2021 23:43

Don’t bother trying to appear helpful. If he is going for 50/50 and the custody arrangements aren’t locked in yet, (plus he has alluded to @StuckInPollyannaMode needing to be “flexible” in the holidays already because of his very important work commitments), just bloody tell him.

Justilou1 · 06/04/2021 09:41

Also, @StuckInPollyannaMode also works, and has to arrange her childcare around this too.

RonSwansonsChair · 06/04/2021 17:18

I've been following your updates @StuckInPollyannaMode, and just wanted to say you're don't so well! Keep going, your girls will thank you for it.

LaganinaBubble · 06/04/2021 17:23

D'oh! Don't = doing!

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 07/04/2021 11:13

Morning all

We’re watching a film in front of the fire in our pjs 😁 got in late from a friends last night so the children slept til 9...amazing.

I have epically failed to do anything about holidays and childcare - I’ve just been enjoying the kids and throwing food in the oven and having friends for play dates. We’ve had sun and snow!

He’ll have to wait.

Now, what happens when you have to kit them out for an activity and they need 2 new pairs of shoes and 2 new outfits each? Do I ask him to halve it? Or am I expected to cover that out of child maintenance?

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 07/04/2021 11:15

I fear it’s expected to come out of maintenance.
But I’d still ask......

Justilou1 · 07/04/2021 11:23

Worth a crack, but expect it to be rejected.

KatherineSiena · 07/04/2021 11:27

I’m sure he’ll say it should come out of maintenance but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Just be careful said outfits/shoes don’t always end up at his and you’ll have to fork out for even more!

MangoBiscuit · 07/04/2021 11:46

ExH and I are 50/50 with our DDs, and our divorce agreement specifically says that we each pay 50% of costs for schooling and scouting, and ad lib expenses have to be agreed in writing before purchasing (because despite having no money, and being so, so poor, he blew £200 on stationery, and other shite they didn't need, and had a strop when I wouldn't pay him for it)

Does the activity land on his days too, or is it just with you? If both, then he should contribute. If just you, then probably from maintenance, but as others have said, it's worth asking.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 07/04/2021 12:04

Half and half - it’s a weekend thing so he’ll have to sort it every other weekend.

If he contributes he can borrow it otherwise he will have to buy a set to keep at his - how’s that?

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 07/04/2021 12:06

Perfect 👌

Starbonnet123 · 07/04/2021 13:08

He needs to sort clothes and shoes for his girls . There is a chance that when the activity is on your weekend you may not get the outfits and shoes back and the girls may miss their activity .
I'd bit the bullet and get them myself unless he's really going to share .

harknesswitch · 07/04/2021 13:53

My exh pays maint but he also has a stack of clothes and shoes that he provides her for her weekends with him. He did try to tell me I should buy her clothes for him to keep but I told him to bugger off. I buy the school uniforms that he used but the rest is up to him

SpringCrocus · 07/04/2021 14:42

He contributes half towards one set each, or he buys his own set to keep at his place.
Tbh, Id tell him to buy his own for them because if theres only one set that is shared between you, he'll screw it up (deliberately) somehow and "forget" to send the kit back with them.

SpringCrocus · 07/04/2021 14:57

And then send you endless messages ordering YOU to sort out HIS mistake. It's going to be yet another way for him to take up headspace in you. Bastard.

FourDecades · 07/04/2021 17:39

It's written in our Court Order that we pay half each on all school and club activities.

We also mainly pay for our own clothes but l do get the main item's eg trainers and hoodie that they wear as they're with me mostly.

Wallywobbles · 07/04/2021 18:28

The clothes and possessions in both houses was written into our divorce. Everyone in charge of what's needed in their house. You needs to cover everything you can think of from here to eternity basically. Times, places, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc etc

Sicario · 07/04/2021 19:30

Keep him simple and ask him which half of the holidays does he want.
Tell him he will be having them for 3 weeks (ie half of the 6 week holiday). Ask him if he wants 3 weeks as a single block, or to split it into 2 blocks.

That's how the court ordered I split it with my ex. He lasted one summer then threw the towel in.

Justilou1 · 08/04/2021 00:32

I think it is very wise to cover everything you need clothes-wise, and technology for school, etc... in the divorce settlement. A friend of mine’s husband stockpiles everything at his place and she never sees it again.

Mix56 · 08/04/2021 07:07

my step son's mother always used to send him for the summer holidays with a case full of clothes that were too small.. The ones we had bought the year before

NettleTea · 08/04/2021 09:56

Id also write in that homework also needs to be done/supervised
and that school uniforms / kit for activities need washing over the weekend or you will find them turning up at school on Mondays wearing dirty mangled clothes that have been lying on the floor for 3 days. Weekends are often the time they are required to build scale models of stonehenge

and attendance at friends birthday parties / presents bought for the friends if the party lands on his weekend

I have a horrible feeling that you are going to have to get everything written down

i would also wonder whether it might be worth a break clause and reassessment/recalculation of CMS because I bet 1000000% that he is going to fail. Especially when he hears about being expected to use his leave to cover holidays

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2021 20:48

I have a horrible feeling that you are going to have to get everything written down

Agree with @NettleTea.

A BFF's ex was such a prick that she had to have everything written down to a gnat's ass including pick ups/drop offs and timeframes for 'waiting', a rigid Xmas & other holidays schedule with actual hours of drops/picks, and a time frame for requesting rescheduling visitation dates. It was like the blueprint for a major military campaign!

Before this he'd keep her hanging around waiting for him to pick their child up, he'd cancel or demand changes with no warning (leaving her with plans to cancel or no childcare), and claims that she was blocking visitation when she & their son left after waiting for him over an hour. I can see Geller doing similar.

Starbonnet123 · 08/04/2021 23:17

Just wondering if anyone else has lost this thread from their watching page . I've lost 3 threads and all of my" I'm on " page . It's taken ages to find you all again .

Catmaiden · 09/04/2021 00:21

Yes, I keep finding threads I'm watching just disappear 😢

FourDecades · 09/04/2021 00:59

I have had the same issue