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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold whilst I figure out what to do.

229 replies

BlackOutCurtain · 10/03/2021 19:18

I have been with DP for 7 years now, we are currently undergoing fertility treatment due to PCOS and he has poor sperm.

About five years ago, I found him on FabSwingers after picking up his iPad that was linked to his phone. Loads of disgusting messages but he didn't meet anyone apparently. All the messages were sexting as such and each message spoke about meeting but then he always came up with an excuse. Either way, it doesn't matter he was disrespectful and a piece of shit to do it. Anyway we decided to work on it and we've been happy. We've just had our mortgage in principle, we've started fertility treatment (which he is paying for out of his own savings and it is £6k a round)

I've just googled his username for everything - Xbox, Instagram, literally anything you need a username for, he uses the same on each time.

It's come up with sextingonkk.com and his profile has been active since 30th September and he was last online yesterday. I feel sick, it's definitely him because the account registered is his date of birth.

He promised me he wouldn't do this again. I feel sick, why would he pay for our treatment if he wasn't interested in me anymore? I love him so much it physically hurts. I know he's going to say it's not him and I can't even prove it because there's no photo.

I'm sorry if this is a rambled mess, I'm logged on to my evening course in the office whilst he's on Xbox and I want to just confront him. I need the evidence but how.

I can't stop shaking.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Russell19 · 12/03/2021 19:22

Hope you are ok OP. You'll get through this.

Kelly345 · 12/03/2021 20:25

Has he replied yet?

Journeynotdestination · 12/03/2021 20:27

Good god these men are clones. Found my Fab ex on Badoo too! 💩

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 12/03/2021 22:15

He hasn't responded and knows something is up. He's very quiet

OP posts:
Yellowfish2020 · 12/03/2021 22:23

Just been reading this - sorry, what a shitty situation for you. Huge well done in getting your stuff together and holding it together generally! Stay strong xx

Kelly345 · 12/03/2021 22:37

@BlackOutCurtain

He hasn't responded and knows something is up. He's very quiet
I'm actually on the edge of my seat for you...
notapizzaeater · 12/03/2021 22:45

Maybe feeling guilty !

Ammy85 · 12/03/2021 22:57

@notapizzaeater I don't think that he has an ounce of guilt - with kik only people you add should be able to message you or that you give your username too so if he randomly got a message it prob made him suspicious that's for sure

Fairycake2 · 12/03/2021 23:13

So sorry to read this OP. What a first class prick he is. Glad you are getting out before you get tied into a mortgage or have DC with him. Just remember you are enough and one day someone will probe this to you 💐

HazelBite · 12/03/2021 23:24

I am so sorry to read this, you are doing the right thing, he will never change, you gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time round.
Good luck OP hope that it goes well for you!

Calmate · 12/03/2021 23:54

OP, just sending a hand hold, you have made the right decision.
The best revenge you can have on this apology for a man, is being happy with someone else. In a few years time I hope he sees you with DC and the love of your life, and he will regret what he has lost.
Brew Cake Flowers

LouiseTrees · 13/03/2021 00:04

Oh no

WisnaeMe · 13/03/2021 00:24

are you alright OP 🌺

LadyLolaRuben · 13/03/2021 00:26

Hold your nerve OP. Try not to let him suspect anything is wrong or he may change the behaviour you are trying to prove

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 13/03/2021 07:42

I've barely slept. I've woken up trembling Sad

He didn't respond to Jojo, he would have had his notifications turned off so may not have even thought about opening Kik.

I'm just going to outright ask him for his phone, search Kik and open it up. I have my valuables with my friend.

I just want him to know I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 13/03/2021 07:44

I'm not sure if the sextingonkk website is legit. I still haven't had an email, can't really get into the website to have a look around.

If it was a spoof website surely it wouldn't say "incorrect password" for one of his email addresses to log in with. It would say "email not recognised" like it did with his other email...

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 13/03/2021 07:46

You either have to hold your nerve a few days and
Wait and see, or what I would do is leave now as you clearly have no trust for him and it’s making you unwell

Kelly345 · 13/03/2021 07:54

It's a tough one. If you don't feel you can hold it any longer then you need proof but you haven't got it. Forget about that website. You know he's on kik so focus on that. It's his phone you need access to somehow.

Kelly345 · 13/03/2021 07:55

Please tell us whatever you decide.

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 13/03/2021 08:14

He never leaves it lying around for more than 30 seconds :( ugh

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 13/03/2021 08:19

Does he take it to the toilet? Can you make an excuse you just need to Google something or switch off the data on your own phone a pretend it won't connect & ask to borrow his for a moment?

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 13/03/2021 08:23

Yeah he takes it to the toilet, I just never ask for his phone ever or have ever picked it up in front of him so he would be alarmed.

I'm just going to bite the bullet later, ask him for some reassurance that he isn't on these websites. He'll give me a big cuddle and say "babe, don't be silly. Take a look" and I can search Kik. He won't be expecting that.

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 13/03/2021 08:30

Well if you are sure it will work. Bit of a bummer there was no reply but maybe there's still time? Perhaps send another message.

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 13/03/2021 08:31

What do I do if he's deleted all the messages on Kik?

OP posts:
gallileofigaro · 13/03/2021 08:31

Here to give you a handhold. Without a doubt you are doing 5e right thing by leaving him. You deserve better x