Handhold whilst I figure out what to do.

[BlackOutCurtain]

I have been with DP for 7 years now, we are currently undergoing fertility treatment due to PCOS and he has poor sperm.

About five years ago, I found him on FabSwingers after picking up his iPad that was linked to his phone. Loads of disgusting messages but he didn't meet anyone apparently. All the messages were sexting as such and each message spoke about meeting but then he always came up with an excuse. Either way, it doesn't matter he was disrespectful and a piece of shit to do it. Anyway we decided to work on it and we've been happy. We've just had our mortgage in principle, we've started fertility treatment (which he is paying for out of his own savings and it is £6k a round)

I've just googled his username for everything - Xbox, Instagram, literally anything you need a username for, he uses the same on each time.

It's come up with sextingonkk.com and his profile has been active since 30th September and he was last online yesterday. I feel sick, it's definitely him because the account registered is his date of birth.

He promised me he wouldn't do this again. I feel sick, why would he pay for our treatment if he wasn't interested in me anymore? I love him so much it physically hurts. I know he's going to say it's not him and I can't even prove it because there's no photo.

I'm sorry if this is a rambled mess, I'm logged on to my evening course in the office whilst he's on Xbox and I want to just confront him. I need the evidence but how.

I can't stop shaking.

@autumnalrain

Fucking bastard. If you’re feeling jumbled perhaps go on a walk so you can think straight and let out a cry (heck wail) if you need to.

I would suggest messaging him and asking a) how long have you been single for b) what are you looking for I.e. casual/long term and c) do you want to meet up? Then set a time and date so there’s a concrete plan.

That way when you confront him he can’t say he ‘just wanted a friendship’ and ‘he wasn’t actually going to act on it’.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

I wouldn't ask him any of that stuff, certainly not straight away. Don't lead him on with any suggestions, else he'll claim entrapment. Just chat to him, let him take the lead and see what he's doing on there. When the conversation is established ask him non leading things like 'what are you looking for on here?'

Don't you think you're jumping the gun a bit on this? Kik is just a messaging app, similar to Whatsapp. You're accusing him of cheating based on nothing more than him having a mseeaging app. You don't even know if he's active or using it. Kik (messaging app) is nothing to do with that other website you posted screenshots from.

Kik isn't a dating app, it's just for messaging, and I think you need to know the other person's username to contact them anyway. Don't think there's any kind of geographic profile search to find people in your area or anything like that on there. Messaging someone on kik and asking how long they've been single or to meet up, would be a bit like getting a text message from an unknown number with the same requests.

Sure, he could be up to no good. But you've absolutely no evidence of that. He might just be using it to chat to his friends.

I would agree that Kik is a messaging app, but it's a messaging app he has NEVER told me he has. He would openly deny he has it.

Given his history and I asked him to delete anything like that last time this happened.

Coupled with the fact he is on a SEXTING website, recently logged in, that uses Kik. It doesn't look well does it?

I'm not that naive.

And a messaging app that is commonly used by people wanting to be unfaithful/sext. I don't believe he's using it for just "messaging"

Telegram and WhatsApp he uses and I know he does. Why not tell me/openly use Kik in front of me if it's purely innocent?

Wait till you have evidence he's on the prowl. Once he replies then you have him bang to right. Try to hold it together for now. The element of surprise will totally blindside him. He won't be expecting it.

No one has Kik just for messaging. No one.

My ex tried to give me that flim flam too. If the message has been delivered then he has the app on his phone. When you message an inactive account it tells you.

I am in such a good place now that I’m away from my cheating, lying, seedy ex. The anxiety of ‘willl he cheat again?’, ‘is he lying?’ Etc etc is gone.

Well done OP. You are 100% doing the right thing.

@Kelly345 that's my plan. I'm praying he responds tonight (I'm going to be "studying" and working on my assignment which is due in. He'll have the whole evening to himself.

I don't feel like I'm living my life, it feels surreal.

I hope he responds tonight because if not, I'm not sure how longer I can pretend without blowing up and I'll have given away the game too early.

Why do men do this? Why am I not enough?

He might not be logging in regular though so you might have to hold your fire a few days.

@BlackOutCurtain

Why do men do this? Why am I not enough?

Have you stopped to consider that you just might be being paranoid and leaping to a conclusion? Maybe this kik account is just a leftover relic from his days on Fab. He might've deleted the app and thought it was all gone, but his profile remains. If the message never gets delivered then it suggests he doesn't have the app on his phone. But it's possible that sending him a kik message might give him an email notification that someone is trying to contact him, and he might reinstall it to read it.

Kik and that sexting website are totally unrelated. If, and it's a dubious if, that is definitely him that created the account on there, then his history of zero stats suggests he's completely inactive on the sexting site.

He may well be up to stuff behind your back, but nothing you've posted so far is anywhere near concrete proof ot it. Why don't you just ask him if he has kik? (don't just ask him outright like that, ask him if he's heard of it, is it any good etc. Say a friend uses it and told you about it). If he denies he has it then you've at least got some evidence he's keeping things from you.

Except, you can't just start asking him about kik now, since you've just got someone (who's a complete stranger to him) to send him a message on there. So he's going to join the dots immediately.

Op's opening post says:

"has been active since 30th September and he was last online yesterday" so post dates the issue from 5 years ago.

@altmember the reason I say to ask questions is to get proof he has INTENT. If he just casually chats to women then if OP confronts him he’ll come up with every excuse under the sun saying he was just bored, or he was looking for friendship, or he had no intention to actually meet up. My friends bastard ex said the same thing and she nearly fell for it. Men would sooner make their partners believe they they are crazy and paranoid than admit to cheating. It’s all about pride.

@BlackOutCurtain you ARE enough. he isn’t !!! I know this couldn’t come at a worst time (what with TTC/house buying) but you should see it as a blessing that you got out before then as you might have felt trapped. I promise you will find a lovely man who has eyes for only you. But for now let’s focus on you, do you have anywhere to go tomorrow?

@BlackOutCurtain - you don't necessarily have to confront him and listen to his excuses/bullshit; he doesn't need to know what you know.

You could just coolly tell him the relationship isn't working for you and you have decided to end it. See how he feels to have the rug pulled out from under him.

@okokok000

Op's opening post says:

"has been active since 30th September and he was last online yesterday" so post dates the issue from 5 years ago.

That's the other website though, not kik itself. It's some right dodgy website and I wouldn't trust anything it says. Dating sites are notorious for being full of made up profiles to artificially boost how busy they appear. It might keep saying he was online recently, but I wouldn't trust that either. The fact it all his stats are zero, suggests the profile is actually inactive. Why would someone log in every single day and not post or message on there??

[quote autumnalrain]@altmember the reason I say to ask questions is to get proof he has INTENT. If he just casually chats to women then if OP confronts him he’ll come up with every excuse under the sun saying he was just bored, or he was looking for friendship, or he had no intention to actually meet up. My friends bastard ex said the same thing and she nearly fell for it. Men would sooner make their partners believe they they are crazy and paranoid than admit to cheating. It’s all about pride.

@BlackOutCurtain you ARE enough. he isn’t !!! I know this couldn’t come at a worst time (what with TTC/house buying) but you should see it as a blessing that you got out before then as you might have felt trapped. I promise you will find a lovely man who has eyes for only you. But for now let’s focus on you, do you have anywhere to go tomorrow?[/quote]
Of course ask questions. But you need to ask the right questions, else you'll just blow your cover and immediately look suspicious. That's why I said to start a conversation and if/when it's flowing then ask him what he's looking for on kik. (Although, as I've said kik isn't a dating site, you can't go searching for nearby memebers to initiate contact with, people use kik to exchange messages and pics with people they've met elsewhere online).

[quote Sarahlou63]@BlackOutCurtain - you don't necessarily have to confront him and listen to his excuses/bullshit; he doesn't need to know what you know.

You could just coolly tell him the relationship isn't working for you and you have decided to end it. See how he feels to have the rug pulled out from under him.[/quote]
Honestly, this is what I would do. Why give him the opportunity to fuck with your head more than he has already done?

You aren't telling a lie - it isn't working for you any more and you have decided to end it. And that's all he deserves to know. Leave him scrabbling around head-fucked for a change. The prick.

@altmember apologies.

I am hoping he responds to Jojo tonight, whilst I'm busy and then I can leave tomorrow.

I have arranged somewhere to stay tomorrow. I don't anticipate on asking any questions at all. What more do I need to know?

I can't actually believe people are thinking he's using this app to casually message his mates and I'm flying off the handle. I know him and I know my gut instinct.

Update us whatever happens. I can't see any way this is all just a mistake.

@BlackOutCurtain I feel for you so much - I caught my ex recently on fabswingers was sick to my gut disgusting site - remember cheating is cheating whether it's text in person or on a disgusting sex site ! Get rid I was with my ex 4 years !! It's making my blood boil knowing others have experienced this !

@BlackOutCurtain and yes kik is the step of the "online" cheating as it doesn't require number exchange - omg it's like you are in the same disgusting situation I was in !- you are enough hold you head high and walk away - he is narcissist trust me whether you see it or not I don't know him but defo the tendencies they have ! Even if you catch him Out he will twist it or something - speaking from experience but praying for you 🙏l

Funnily enough, I caught him on Badoo about 18 months ago. He said he was searching for me and I believed it. He blurted this out so quickly that I thought he didn't have enough time to make a lie up

How foolish am I.

Not again.

@BlackOutCurtain still reading the thread so will let you know when finished - keep strong though you deserve better !

@BlackOutCurtain

Funnily enough, I caught him on Badoo about 18 months ago. He said he was searching for me and I believed it. He blurted this out so quickly that I thought he didn't have enough time to make a lie up

How foolish am I.

Not again.

Badoo is only used for one thing.

Hope you're ok, OP.
The kik profile doesn't look good, but I wanted to say I wouldn't be 100% sure about the 'sextingwithkk' website - they could screenscrape any old profile name with any other info like dob and store it on there.

For example, I had a job detailed on my LinkedIn profile - I've since deleted it but my name and that job shows up on some crappy website that just screenscrapes data off LinkedIn and stores it there, so it comes up in searches even though it's long been deleted from my actual LI profile.

However, the history and everything else makes him look like a scumbag. Have you googled the kik username (i.e the second one, not the one you originally thought) to see if it's anywhere else?