Handhold whilst I figure out what to do.

[BlackOutCurtain]

I have been with DP for 7 years now, we are currently undergoing fertility treatment due to PCOS and he has poor sperm.

About five years ago, I found him on FabSwingers after picking up his iPad that was linked to his phone. Loads of disgusting messages but he didn't meet anyone apparently. All the messages were sexting as such and each message spoke about meeting but then he always came up with an excuse. Either way, it doesn't matter he was disrespectful and a piece of shit to do it. Anyway we decided to work on it and we've been happy. We've just had our mortgage in principle, we've started fertility treatment (which he is paying for out of his own savings and it is £6k a round)

I've just googled his username for everything - Xbox, Instagram, literally anything you need a username for, he uses the same on each time.

It's come up with sextingonkk.com and his profile has been active since 30th September and he was last online yesterday. I feel sick, it's definitely him because the account registered is his date of birth.

He promised me he wouldn't do this again. I feel sick, why would he pay for our treatment if he wasn't interested in me anymore? I love him so much it physically hurts. I know he's going to say it's not him and I can't even prove it because there's no photo.

I'm sorry if this is a rambled mess, I'm logged on to my evening course in the office whilst he's on Xbox and I want to just confront him. I need the evidence but how.

I can't stop shaking.

We're joint tenants and we pay our share fairly. He is a very high earner so he pays the lions share. He has significant savings and I don't think it's fair he's going to walk away from this quids in, whilst i'll be struggling.

We're due to pay for it this week, he's putting it on a credit card at 0% and paying it off slowly but he does have the cash in the bank to do it. So it's not as if he could pay the lump directly to me. If that makes sense?

He has two email addresses he uses, i've logged onto this sexting website and tried to reset the password. One says 'email not recognised' and the other says 'incorrect password' when I try to log in. So obviously his email address is registered to that site.

I still haven't had my request to join approved.

OP whether he has done it or not why do you want to be with someone who I’m your own words you have described as ‘cunning’. Isn’t the fact that ‘he’s done this once and you think he’s capable of doing it again and you wouldn’t put it pass him having a second phone’ enough to leave?

You obviously didn’t trust him in the first place if you searched his name

Why do you feel the need to get some of his money? Sounds like you both deserve each other, I'm guessing money was the reason you stayed in the first place.

Have some dignity and walk away

You aren't married and don't have kids. You aren't entitled to his money.

If money is the important thing then stay and accept that he will continue to do this.

I think once trust has gone the relationship
Is over. The fact you’re doing all this shows you don’t trust him at all.

@MadeForThis I never said I was entitled to his money.

@MadeForThis

You aren't married and don't have kids. You aren't entitled to his money.

If money is the important thing then stay and accept that he will continue to do this.

But if op and her partner have been together for a long time and share a house ect together then why should she be left penniless because of his actions. If they were married she would be entitled to half of everything but why should a piece of paper make that difference?

@littlemisschoclover exactly my point. A piece of paper doesn't change the way I'd act, love or support him.

His business has taken off rapidly in the last 5 years.

Littlemisschoclover
Because that’s a benefit of why marriage exists. Otherwise people would be making claims everywhere. She has no legal right to his money at all and sadly should have saved her own independent of him should something like this happen.

@Holyhonestyjj which I do and we are engaged to be married. I'm really not expecting a legal claim to any money but it's natural to feel annoyed that he could go off into the moonlight whilst I'm left with hardly anything.

Yes it’s natural to feel annoyed but OP don’t get distracted by finances , stay focused on what’s important: you have to catch him out first! Any progress?

Yeah I understand that, but there’s nothing you can do about it. The best thing now is to hurt his heart rather than his wallet. Bin him he’s got previous, he’s just fake

I think you might be jumping the gun somewhat here. I'm no expert, but that website doesn't look anything to do with Kik. It soesn't even have an 'i' in the name. They may be trying to pass themselves off as Kik, but they aren't.
Yes, the profile has his DoB on it, but if he hasn't set his privacy settings correctly on Facebook (or some other legit social media profile) as many people seem to overlook, then it's quite plausible that his username, email address and dob have been harvested from somewhere else, without his knowledge.

And according to his profile, it's completely inactive anyway - all zeros. These sites often lie about user's last active times to make them seem busier than they are. It could even be someone else, or a 'bot'.

At worst, your partner has registered on this site himself, and is logging in regularly, but is otherwise inactive - no messages, no score, no points. I don't think there's anywahere near enough evidence of wrongdoing to accuse him of anything, never mind leave him over it. It sounds like your relationship is otherwise idylic - no other suggestion of boredom, distraction or cheating? He could be completely innocent, but if you start throwing accusations at him, you might wreck it all over nothing. Personally, I wouldn't finish with him on the evidence so far - when he may genuinely not know anything about it.

Keep trying to sign up to that website and see if you can engage him with messages, to catch him out by all means. There is a risk that he isn't on there but catches you on it chasing some ghost profile. How will that look?

Altmember you can’t say there’s no inbox’s as they’re private. If you read their privacy policy on their website you can see they comply with gdpr and as such I doubt they are “harvesting” it information from peoples Facebook. Bit selective that isn’t it... to choose someone’s Facebook with a history of doing this

@HollowTalk

Thank you. Great advice. But sometimes you slip up or get caught in the moment.

@Op

You are seemingly starting to morph from a victim into a gold digger......

I would hope that’s not the case.....

Either tell him and have it out, or if you are sure of your evidence, end it !!!!

Stop going on about his money, how you believe you deserve a chunk of it ( Why do you feel so entitled !? ), and how done by you are financially !?

It’s not a good look.

OK you need to reframe your thought process here.

You have caught a "cunning" & untrustworthy person out - someone you were planning on marrying & financially/emotionally tying yourself to this snake forever!

You are not being left with "nothing" by ending this.

You're gaining the life you need back - because continuing with this bad relationship would be a huge mistake

You are not entitled to financial compensation for supporting him/his business ventures. You don't have kids, this is just a fact of life.

Put money aside & think of what you will GAIN by booting this bastard to the curb.

You gain self respect, inner strength & most of all peace from not having someone lie to your face on the daily like they could do it in their sleep.

You have spent a lot of effort on looking for proof & don't blame you.

But now is the time to move past the "proof procuring" stage & straight to the split - someone as "cunning" is not worth keeping, your energy would be better spent on focusing on your immediate future.

@mummywantstobeslim

If you are secretly spying on younr partner, making up secret accounts to catch him out, don't trust him at all, talking to strangers online about it all I would say the relationship is over now

Exactly. What is the point?

Do you really want to saddle a human with this pervy person as its father?

Is that fair?

@Holyhonestyjj

Littlemisschoclover Because that’s a benefit of why marriage exists. Otherwise people would be making claims everywhere. She has no legal right to his money at all and sadly should have saved her own independent of him should something like this happen.

Exactly.

Dismissing marriage as "a piece of paper " is so ignorant. As I think OP is learning.

Married people have different rights and responsibilities and legal status. Obviously.

@PerveenMistry I actually think that the idea that marriage should give you more rights is what is ignorant and rather outdated. (And for the record I am married)

Many of my friends are in the same situation in life as me and my DH. They've been together 10+ years, own their house together, have children ect. Many of them have decided they just don't need to get married or have never got round to it. If they were to break up why should they be entitled to anything less than somebody in the same situation but who happens to be married?

It's much less common now for people to be getting married than it was years ago

Littlemisschocolver

They should be entitled to less/nothing because that is what the law states, not someone posting on mumsnet about their friends situation. This is statute. It is law. It’s their choice if they decided not to get married. They know the financial implications of not getting married. It’s the equivalent of you saying “I have been a paying tenant to a landlord for 10 years... why should I be entitled to nothing when he sells, compared to people who have a mortgage”. Be real. Your proposal that everyone should be entitled to some money when they’re in a relationship is ridiculous.

@Holyhonestyjj

Littlemisschocolver

They should be entitled to less/nothing because that is what the law states, not someone posting on mumsnet about their friends situation. This is statute. It is law. It’s their choice if they decided not to get married. They know the financial implications of not getting married. It’s the equivalent of you saying “I have been a paying tenant to a landlord for 10 years... why should I be entitled to nothing when he sells, compared to people who have a mortgage”. Be real. Your proposal that everyone should be entitled to some money when they’re in a relationship is ridiculous.

Actually the law would be on their side. If they have jointly been paying bills for the house then they will each have the potential to split half of the house.

😂😂😂. Actually, you’re wrong. If you read what I put I was referring to a rented house owned by a landlord. They wouldn’t be entitled to anything from the landlord if the landlord sold. Just like people aren’t entitled to finances from boyfriends.

@Holyhonestyjj

😂😂😂. Actually, you’re wrong. If you read what I put I was referring to a rented house owned by a landlord. They wouldn’t be entitled to anything from the landlord if the landlord sold. Just like people aren’t entitled to finances from boyfriends.

And actually if you read my comment you would see that I am talking about a couple sharing a house and bills as per my original post. Not quite sure why you needed to bring up landlords but each to their own I suppose.

A gold digger? Oh wow. I can't even really respond to that and i'm not going to justify my characteristics/personality to people who don't know the real me or the full picture. This is just a piece of the puzzle.

My parents aren't married for example, been together 35 years and have just never gotten round to it. Should she also end up left in the shit just because they didn't sign on a dotted line?

It's not as if we aren't getting married, we should be. I don't want to focus on the money aspect, I was just expressing how unfair it felt. It all feels unfair and painful.

I don't have a clue how these sites work, it's not something that entertains me and I don't have the slightest interest in being disloyal or hurting him. I want to be with him and i'm happy with only him. I don't need additional validation.

There's no real update, I still don't have access to this website. I'm sure it's one of many he's registered to and I cannot sign up to all these websites in an effort to track him down. I won't do that - that is a step too far and one I'm not prepared to do.

To those who are asking what's the point? I would also ask that question looking in. It is a lot more common than people think to take people back after the first incident and stay with them. Then they become clever at hiding it. Not all of those women who choose to stay can be the odd one out.

He's still not been on active on the website but then again I cannot get access to any emails etc. The fact that he's made the account in September but was last seen online a few days ago, proves the point that he is probably going on regularly.