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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold whilst I figure out what to do.

229 replies

BlackOutCurtain · 10/03/2021 19:18

I have been with DP for 7 years now, we are currently undergoing fertility treatment due to PCOS and he has poor sperm.

About five years ago, I found him on FabSwingers after picking up his iPad that was linked to his phone. Loads of disgusting messages but he didn't meet anyone apparently. All the messages were sexting as such and each message spoke about meeting but then he always came up with an excuse. Either way, it doesn't matter he was disrespectful and a piece of shit to do it. Anyway we decided to work on it and we've been happy. We've just had our mortgage in principle, we've started fertility treatment (which he is paying for out of his own savings and it is £6k a round)

I've just googled his username for everything - Xbox, Instagram, literally anything you need a username for, he uses the same on each time.

It's come up with sextingonkk.com and his profile has been active since 30th September and he was last online yesterday. I feel sick, it's definitely him because the account registered is his date of birth.

He promised me he wouldn't do this again. I feel sick, why would he pay for our treatment if he wasn't interested in me anymore? I love him so much it physically hurts. I know he's going to say it's not him and I can't even prove it because there's no photo.

I'm sorry if this is a rambled mess, I'm logged on to my evening course in the office whilst he's on Xbox and I want to just confront him. I need the evidence but how.

I can't stop shaking.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Holyhonestyjj · 10/03/2021 20:45

Does he have snapchat OP?

Holyhonestyjj · 10/03/2021 20:46

Last seen definitely means last seen. Really don’t think an account has been created for him

Handhold whilst I figure out what to do.
PainAgain · 10/03/2021 20:48

This looks like a harvested profile to me - the site seems to search and show people on Kik. He may well be up to something on Kik, but perhaps not on this site, so I wouldn't confront him with what you've seen there. Hope you can find answers soon though, OP

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 10/03/2021 20:50

I don't think he's ever had Snapchat. I wouldn't know his username if he had a secret account though.

Does anyone have kik that I can DM the username he'd use to?

OP posts:
GLTM · 10/03/2021 20:51

Hmm, I haven't experienced this, but you love him and he's a good partner otherwise? Perhaps it's an illness, a self destructive act? Perhaps its a bad way of dealing with stress - have both times happened at stressful times? What if he's willing to get counseling? What if he's willing to tell you everytime he gets an urge to sext? Could it be worth a try? If you think he's worth it, you could try speaking to a sexting counselor first and ask how you could approach him and whether it's something that people with help can overcome. Of course he might not be willing to do this and then you have your answer. I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I hope things get better for you soon.

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 10/03/2021 20:52

@GLTM everything else other than this is perfect, literally perfect. He's so supportive, he pays his way, he does his fair share of housework. I think it's a kick he gets out of people messaging him - an insecurity thing.

OP posts:
babbaloushka · 10/03/2021 20:55

This is heartbreaking OP. I have Kik, but didn't know if it was used for things like that. I'm going to search my Kik username on that website and see if anything comes up.

Palavah · 10/03/2021 20:56

Why do you need to be able to show proof?

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 10/03/2021 20:58

I've come to bed pretending to feel ill. I am that stressed I have the shits, so it's plausible. He's given me a hot water bottle.

Is it possible this isn't a real site then? I hope so Sad

OP posts:
babbaloushka · 10/03/2021 20:59

My Kik username didn't show up on there, so I presume that means he's accessed the site. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 10/03/2021 21:03

@babbaloushka would you mind if I DM'ed you his username to see what came up?

OP posts:
Holyhonestyjj · 10/03/2021 21:07

I don’t have a kik account OP but I can add him on fb and try to catch him out, say I’ve seen his profile on kik if you like. Wish I could help

babbaloushka · 10/03/2021 21:07

[quote BlackOutCurtain]@babbaloushka would you mind if I DM'ed you his username to see what came up? [/quote]
No, go ahead, I'll have a look but am on desktop.

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 10/03/2021 21:10

@babbaloushka I have sent you a DM Thanks

OP posts:
Ardvark111 · 10/03/2021 21:10

Kick his ass to the kerb, he clearly happy to spread his poor sperm about if given the chance,!! This will lead to constant distrust and uncertainty from you, and a possible STD from him to you if he takes it to the next level... Good luck with any decision you make,

GLTM · 10/03/2021 21:58

Have you ever had couples counseling? If not I think it's worth a try rather than end the relationship. Whether or not he's been sexting again, the previous time has left unresolved trust issues. His secretive nature with face recognition doesn't help. So I'd find a sexting counselor. A specialist rather than a general couples counselor. He may need time to come around to the idea. Good luck

Ardvark111 · 10/03/2021 22:50

@GLTM. Interesting you say * secretive nature,!! Does the poster want someone like that in her life,? I'm sure she going through enough trying to conceive without this 💩

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/03/2021 02:19

OP you don't need proof

I know you want to have conclusive evidence but actually the fact that he has previous form and you still don't trust him is enough to show that your relationship isn't healthy.

I've been you - felt like I was going to drive myself insane trying to get proof of his cheating but the reality was I could and should have freed myself from it sooner.

So what if he denies everything? You don't believe him and that's the main issue here.

This is not a harvested profile - I strongly suspect (as do you) that you could easily honey trap him here.

Save yourself the pain and set yourself free from him Thanks

If you can't do that then I hope you quickly get the proof you need - but please act on it this time

ItisLikethis · 11/03/2021 05:48

Just wow! @GLTM Let's give the scumbag yet another chance. Hmm

FreddyTheFlute · 11/03/2021 05:57

Perhaps it's an illness, a self destructive act? Perhaps its a bad way of dealing with stress - have both times happened at stressful times? What if he's willing to get counseling? What if he's willing to tell you everytime he gets an urge to sext?
Hmm seriously?! Ffs. Stop giving advice.

Tangogolf55 · 11/03/2021 07:14

Do not have a baby with him. Leave.

MondeoFan · 11/03/2021 07:44

Let us know how you get on. Hope you can catch him out via one of the helpful users on here

Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 11/03/2021 12:46

Update:

I downloaded Kik myself, I've sent a message but it says that phone is disconnected or switched off. It's not switched off, he's been messaging me. The photo on Kik isn't him but the DOB and username is without a doubt him on the other website.

I'm not sure if the two are linked, the website says active on Tuesday with his correct date of birth and usual username. However, the actual Kik messaging app is a photo of someone (not him) but is disconnected?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackOutCurtain · 11/03/2021 12:47

They still haven't accepted my account so I can't sign in on the website and message him on there.

OP posts:
Holyhonestyjj · 11/03/2021 12:52

What did you say in your message to him on kik? It might just be he’s not on the app currently hence the phone being disconnected message