Sexless marriage affair reflection

[me1co]

Hi everyone,
I will try to keep this as short as possible!
Myself and my husband have been together for 18 years. We have two children together. In our 30's. We enjoyed a positive loving intimate relationship before the children came along. Thereafter, we still loved each other. But my sex drive took a massive nose dive. I didn't want sex. Wasn't interested in it and had no desire for it. Pretty much ever. My husband still very much wanted me sexually. I often rejected his advances and made excuses. I even used the children as a way to get out of having sex and distanced myself from him emotionally and physically in fear of him thinking that I wanted intimacy. I hated that I didn't want it. But I just didn't. And I expected him to just accept it. He often told me how unwanted he felt and would express how he just wanted to be close to me. But this was largely ignored by me. Anyway, fast forward a few years, I discovered he was having an affair. We are a few years past this point and have worked through a great deal of issues during this time. There has been lots of anger, upset, guilt, regret. But we are now in a good place. We communicate. And the intimacy between us is like it was many many years ago. I still hate his affair but I have moved past the blame and the anger stage. This takes me onto my question. I have reflected a lot of the last few years and I have done a lot of soul searching. Whilst I totally blame my other half for his affair, I have given a lot of thought to the role that I may have played. I did not want him sexually. I rejected him and made him feel unwanted and undesired. We were pretty much in a sexless relationship. What are peoples thoughts on affairs for sex in these sorts of situations? Is there ever any justification?

I don't think having an affair should ever be the answer or ever be excused either. He should have either left or at least told you that was on the verge of leaving because of the lack of intimacy. Then you either deal with it or both move on

Echoing AryaStarkWolf. Unless he has categorically said 'look, I'm worried that my need for intimacy is going to lead me to have an affair', there is no excuse for cheating in your example.

While I can see it as a contributing factor, I think if one party isn't happy with an element of the relationship, they owe it to the other to talk about it and try and work on it and come to an agreement, or leave the relationship...not to take things into their own hands and have an affair.

It's not your fault but you didn't want sex it's not his fault that he wanted it and you didn't, there is no mutualy acceptable compromise in this situation🤷🏼‍♀️

Life isn't black and white and your story illustrates that relationships, perhaps with extreme circumstances, can be saved with an affair.

I can understand both your and your husband's side of this story and it's good it worked out with you guys in the end.

Loving your spouse and other parent of your children but being constantly rejected must be confusing, similarly knowing you are destroying a happy marriage by rejecting your spouse must be similarly confusing.

There are no big rights or wrongs sometimes just they way things are.

@Sunshineandflipflops

While I can see it as a contributing factor, I think if one party isn't happy with an element of the relationship, they owe it to the other to talk about it and try and work on it and come to an agreement, or leave the relationship...not to take things into their own hands and have an affair.

We lost the ability to communicate properly with one another. Life was busy with work and young children etc. I was embarrassed to face up to my issues around not wanting sex and not having a sex drive and his pride was in tatters because he he felt unwanted and unattractive

@frozendaisy

Life isn't black and white and your story illustrates that relationships, perhaps with extreme circumstances, can be saved with an affair.

I can understand both your and your husband's side of this story and it's good it worked out with you guys in the end.

Loving your spouse and other parent of your children but being constantly rejected must be confusing, similarly knowing you are destroying a happy marriage by rejecting your spouse must be similarly confusing.

There are no big rights or wrongs sometimes just they way things are.

I agree with what you have said. It is a really sad situation and one which has caused a great deal of damage and heartache for both of us. But one which we have learnt from. Both of us made mistakes, his being the most hurtful one of all. But our relationship is so much h more honest open and fulfilled now that I think it ever has been. I think his affair was a symptom of a much bigger problem that neither of us were brave enough to face at the time

I believe this is a very common cause of a lot of affairs and I believe it is justification and the person who refuses to ever have sex and withdraws intimacy must take their share of the blame for this.

One party to a relationship cannot decide they are in a sexless relationship knowing it's not what the other wants then be surprised when they seek it elsewhere.

I think it makes the affair understandable, but never excusable. Glad to hear you have worked through it and are, presumably, happy?

My main concern would be that for me to have an affair, I would need to feel something for that other person and as you continue to be involved with someone else, feelings develop. So it would be more about feelings for the other person than the physical act of sex.

When I discovered my ex husband's affair, it was the messages between them that hurt me the most, the things they had said to each other, the things he had said about me and our marriage (which weren't true and he later admitted was "showing off"). You'll never know those conversations so in one sense you can pretend they never existed, or they can torment you because you'll never know what they said to each other (it won't be what he tells you, I can assure you).

I can't help but feel that in starting this thread, you are not as ok with it as you say but I wish you both the best in the future.

person who refuses to ever have sex and withdraws intimacy must take their share of the blame for this
Is that the right way to characterize this situation?
you say 'refusing to have sex and withdrawing intimacy' I would say this person no longer has a sex drive and no longer has a desire for intimacy, and imo expecting them to have sex they don't want would be wrong. Yet you paint them as being in the wrong for not having the desire.
do we make a deliberate choice not to desire sex? 🤔

@Tryinghardfornothing89

I think it makes the affair understandable, but never excusable. Glad to hear you have worked through it and are, presumably, happy?

I will never excuse what he did. It caused me a great deal of pain and upset and I will never forget. For many many months, I was very angry and could not understand how or why he could behave in such a way and how he could do what he did. But after the deep feelings of anger lifted (it took a long time) I was able to take a step back and truly reflect on the relationship and what went wrong. Which led me to gain some clarity in terms of my behaviour within the relationship and how it may have contributed to our downfall which ultimately led to his affair

Both of us made mistakes, his being the most hurtful one of all.

Why is his affair, more hurtful than you refusing all intimatecy, he tried to talk to you, you pushed him away, you made excuses not to be near him.

That is just as hurtful, more in fact as you are rejected from the one person who is supposed to Love and want you.

I agree with Tryinghardfornothing89, in this situation an affair is understandable to some degree but not excusable, the partner who wants sex always has the option to leave rather than cheat. The partner who doesn't want sex bears responsibility for the issues within the relationship but the cheating partner bears full responsibility for choosing to tackle those issues by having an affair.

I think it's fair that you take some responsibility for the original lack of sex OP (I say some because ime the men in this scenario often contribute to us losing our sex drive by not pulling their weight/being as supportive as they could while DC are small) but there were other ways your DH could have tackled that without cheating so the responsibility for that is entirely on him. So no, the short answer is I don't think his affair was 'justified', his feelings of rejection were but not his actions in response to those feelings.

@me1co

It sounds like you have healed and grown your relationship and that that is something to be proud of. It couldnt have been easy and I'm sure there were times it almost came to an end. I think that everyone always says they would leave and it would be a deal breaker, but actually it takes real, raw strength for a couple to survive. This is all assuming he was a good partner in every other way though, and that he wasnt abusive or anything.

I'm currently in a sexless relationship and I can understand your husband's affair.
It is utterly soul destroying to be rejected over and over.
Glad you have a better relationship now op.

I think that everyone always says they would leave and it would be a deal breaker, but actually it takes real, raw strength for a couple to survive.

I showed "real, raw strength" the first time my husband cheated on me and I stayed. Ten years later when he did it again, I showed more strength than I ever thought I had in me by leaving him, taking what little self respect I had left and becoming a single parent. I don't think you can judge a woman's strength by whether she stays or leaves in an affair situation and I feel quite offended by that.
It's a choice to stay or leave. Both take strength.

I commend your honesty and reflection, OP.

Thing is, your husband could have left (accept that many people don't do this because of access to their children).
He could have suggested an open marriage - would you have agreed?
He could have said, as a PP poster mentioned earlier, that he was actually going to have an affair. That does sound like a threat/emotional blackmail, though.

For those who've been through this, one of the worst parts of an affair is the lying. The constant deceit towards someone you're supposed to respect and love. That's why the trust in a marriage shatters.

@Sunshineandflipflops
Sorry to have offended. By saying it takes strength to heal the relationship I did not mean to imply that leaving is weak. Just that staying doesnt necessarily mean you're being a door mat etc

There are no winners in this kind of situation.

He perhaps should have been honest and offered 3 options

1. Some Sex or I leave
2. Open relationship
3. Leave

Problem with option 1 its coercive blackmail and would never work so this leaves 2 or 3.

How would you have felt if he had left you?
I know the affair hurt and he should of left if that unhappy but a quick read of the sexless marriage posts on here will tell you this hurts every bit as much, albeit in a different way.
Personally I dont think you are any less culpable than him. And whilst you have a right to be angry at his affair his has equal right to be angry about a sexless marriage.

Its in the past, draw a line under it.

@Sunshineandflipflops
Also, absolutely the right choice for a repeat offender!

I couldn't agree more with @Weirdfan on this and it captures my feelings on this subject perfectly. It's fine to take some responsibility for some of the issues you were both having in the relationship but he could have left. I know it isn't as simple as some of the LTB brigade make out but it's so much more preferable. Breakups are hard enough but breakups where cheating is involved is something else in terms of impact on mental health.

@Tryinghardfornothing89 That's ok, thanks for clarifying. I get a little defensive, even after 3 years as I loved this man greatly and had done for most of my life and leaving him took everything I had and more.

I’ve never cheated, I feel very strongly against cheating, and my marriage broke up at least in part due to exW’s affair so I’m by no means an affair apologist. But I can empathise with your DH.

I’m not sure I’d see his affair as more hurtful than your total withdrawal of intimacy and refusal to talk about it. Coupled with you deliberately distancing yourself, IMO they’re pretty evenly balanced.

In an ideal world he should have split up with you or told you he was drifting towards an affair, but you had kids and he obviously didn’t want to break up for their sake so I can see why he’d choose the “quiet” affair.

How long did the sexless period last? I think there's a big difference between 4 months or 4 years of no sex in a relationship.