Sexless marriage affair reflection

[me1co]

Hi everyone,
I will try to keep this as short as possible!
Myself and my husband have been together for 18 years. We have two children together. In our 30's. We enjoyed a positive loving intimate relationship before the children came along. Thereafter, we still loved each other. But my sex drive took a massive nose dive. I didn't want sex. Wasn't interested in it and had no desire for it. Pretty much ever. My husband still very much wanted me sexually. I often rejected his advances and made excuses. I even used the children as a way to get out of having sex and distanced myself from him emotionally and physically in fear of him thinking that I wanted intimacy. I hated that I didn't want it. But I just didn't. And I expected him to just accept it. He often told me how unwanted he felt and would express how he just wanted to be close to me. But this was largely ignored by me. Anyway, fast forward a few years, I discovered he was having an affair. We are a few years past this point and have worked through a great deal of issues during this time. There has been lots of anger, upset, guilt, regret. But we are now in a good place. We communicate. And the intimacy between us is like it was many many years ago. I still hate his affair but I have moved past the blame and the anger stage. This takes me onto my question. I have reflected a lot of the last few years and I have done a lot of soul searching. Whilst I totally blame my other half for his affair, I have given a lot of thought to the role that I may have played. I did not want him sexually. I rejected him and made him feel unwanted and undesired. We were pretty much in a sexless relationship. What are peoples thoughts on affairs for sex in these sorts of situations? Is there ever any justification?

Noone with a sex drive is going to be happy with only being intimate with their partner whilst their partner is clearly not sexually attracted to them.
In that case his only options are to leave the marriage or seek intimacy elsewhere. It sounds like you wouldn't have preferred him to leave and he seemingly didn't want to leave you either, so what he did allowed your family to stay together and him to stay sane.
It's a situation with no good options, he can be utterly miserable, break up his family or shag someone on the side and try to keep you from finding out.

@Sunshineandflipflops

While I can see it as a contributing factor, I think if one party isn't happy with an element of the relationship, they owe it to the other to talk about it and try and work on it and come to an agreement, or leave the relationship...not to take things into their own hands and have an affair.

She says in her post ‘ He often told me how unwanted he felt and would express how he just wanted to be close to me. But this was largely ignored by me.’ So what more could he have done? I’m absolutely not condoning having an affair by the way but the poster has openly admitted she ignored him!

I thinks it’s beyond naive to think you can reject your partner both physically and emotionally and simply expect them to just accept that. He even told you how he felt and you chose to ignore him, so you must have known how unsettled he was. That he then sort the warmth , connection and infancy of an adult relationship isn’t difficult to understand.

It was a deliberate act on your part to shut him out, using your children do so in the process, and yet you consider his behaviour to be reprehensible ???.

You married another human being , what did you expect. Servitude ?

Intimacy

@BeeDavis He could have left. He was risking losing her anyway by having an affair.

I'm not excusing op's behaviour towards him at all and it must have been difficult for him but an affair is always a choice, it's not inevitable.

Seems to me that your dh has had the best outcome here.
He's lucky you were forgiving and able to move on.

an affair is always a choice, it's not inevitable.

Exactly this, there are always other options and those options being hard is not justification for choosing deceit over honesty.

I think what he did was understandable. My ex was in a sexless relationship for many years and whilst he didn't cheat, he said how awful it was. To be in a marriage with someone you love and to have to choose between breaking up a family, splitting custody and so on or to accept lack of intimacy and affection.

Neither of you are to blame in my opinion. You can't help not having a sex drive either.

He should have told you he couldn't stay in a sexless marriage and either you worked on it together with therapy, had an open relationship or he would leave. That's what decent people do IMO.

You have the right to know what is going on in your life and make fully informed choices. By cheating he was putting you at risk of STD's, making you live a lie and risking breaking up the family anyway if you found out. But he wanted to have his cake and eat it, that's all.

OP - if you think back to the times when you had no drive and actively avoided conversations and intimacy. What would you have done had your H told you what people here usually advise? Ie if he said...
...I want either:

• some sex, somehow
• open marriage
• or I leave?

Would that have spurred you to action and made you work on your relationship and intimacy? Or would it have forced you further away from him, resulting in the breakdown of your marriage? I do think people fall into patterns of behaviour; or into a rut. And sometimes they decide to come out of it by themselves. But it’s incredibly hard. And more often some sort of an explosive shock is needed to force us to change. Which is what happened.

Personally I don’t think him leaving back then would have been a better outcome in the long term for all involved.

I don’t see life in B/W. And sometimes there are no good solutions.

What matters is where you are today. And I am happy for you.

The standard response is ‘he could have left’.

Would you have preferred that?

As you say he tried to talk to you and you ignored it, what would you have done if he’d said clearly, if we don’t talk about this honestly and try together to find a way to get a physical relationship back then I believe the marriage is over and I’ll leave you?

For everyone saying he should have left, if he had OP wouldn’t have what she now considers a happy marriage?

If he’d left, because of his wife’s consistent rejection of him, he’d have lost her and living with his children full time. That’s the big difference between men and women when they’re parents as it’s usually the man who has to leave and ends up losing the relationship with his children that he has because of his wife opting out of a big part of the marriage.

I've spoken to hundreds of these men. Some are awful obviously but some truly do feel trapped. They love their wives and families and don't want to hurt them so they feel stuck in these situations where their options are hurt the people they love, be unhappy or lie and cheat while hoping they don't get caught. I truly don't think monogamy works for a lot of the people that try to force it.

@TheStoic

The standard response is ‘he could have left’.

Would you have preferred that?

I'm just responding to the 'how would you have felt if he'd have left?' and the answer is, I would have been devastated. And at the time, I'm not sure that I would have been able to understand why he would leave and why he felt so unhappy. Because sex wasn't important to me at that time, I just couldn't fully understand his point of view and felt that he should just understand that if I don't want sex, I don't want sex. There seemed to be so many more important things for me at the time; raising the children, working and just generally keeping my head above water during a really busy time in our lives.

@SirenSays

I've spoken to hundreds of these men. Some are awful obviously but some truly do feel trapped. They love their wives and families and don't want to hurt them so they feel stuck in these situations where their options are hurt the people they love, be unhappy or lie and cheat while hoping they don't get caught. I truly don't think monogamy works for a lot of the people that try to force it.

He said he loved me and our children and really really didn't want to leave. He just wanted and hoped that things would change between us one day. But it went on and on and in the end an opportunity presented itself and he chose not to say no. The other woman offered the intimacy that he had been craving and an ego boost I suppose. Made him feel like a man again. It started as a one night stand and progressed from there. I actually discovered the affair. He ended it immediately. It was a massive shock. But he said it confirmed to him that he was right not to leave me and that despite the intimacy he had with her, she wasn't the one that he wanted it from. We did so so much irk on our relationship after this. We have both made significant changes in the relationship. Our sex life is so so much better and it's made me realise what I was missing for so long myself

@me1co but have you forgiven him though? Are you happy and in love?

@Weirdfan

I agree with Tryinghardfornothing89, in this situation an affair is understandable to some degree but not excusable, the partner who wants sex always has the option to leave rather than cheat. The partner who doesn't want sex bears responsibility for the issues within the relationship but the cheating partner bears full responsibility for choosing to tackle those issues by having an affair.

I think it's fair that you take some responsibility for the original lack of sex OP (I say some because ime the men in this scenario often contribute to us losing our sex drive by not pulling their weight/being as supportive as they could while DC are small) but there were other ways your DH could have tackled that without cheating so the responsibility for that is entirely on him. So no, the short answer is I don't think his affair was 'justified', his feelings of rejection were but not his actions in response to those feelings.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. We had 2 small children. Life was very busy and very hard at times, juggling children and work. My body has changed after having children. I wasn't as confident. And I felt like I was doing most of the leg work with regards to the children. And I was so exhausted I would go up to bed with the children. And I think this is how it all started

[quote Tryinghardfornothing89]@me1co but have you forgiven him though? Are you happy and in love?[/quote]
I would honestly say we both feel happier and more in love than we have done for years

@me1co then I have to ask, what are you doing here? If you are truly happy and in love, perhaps it's time to put it behind and let it go.

A wider point and not intended to stick the boot in to you OP, but it does go to show that when a man tells his mistress he’s not sleeping with his wife he’s not automatically lying. There’s a thread on here from yesterday from an OW and she’s being ridiculed for believing the man she’s seeing isn’t having sex with his wife. Loads and loads of people aren’t having sex. Not all but some do then have affairs.

She’s musing Tryinghardfornothing89

It’s perfectly normal to think about where you’ve been and how you’ve got to where you are. Stop trying to suggest OP is miserable when she’s said several times that she’s happy. Posting on a forum doesn’t mean you’re lying or miserable.

@AnneLovesGilbert
I'm not suggesting that, I have been supportive in my previous comments. I guess I can see it would be therapeutic to make a thread like this in the same situation.

[quote Tryinghardfornothing89]@me1co then I have to ask, what are you doing here? If you are truly happy and in love, perhaps it's time to put it behind and let it go.[/quote]
I suppose I wanted other peoples views. I have spent so long blaming him and feeling so hurt by his affair that I overlooked the part that I may have played. And it's only now that I feel more sane, more stable and settled, that I am able to reflect on the relationship as a whole and my behaviour within it.

@AnneLovesGilbert

A wider point and not intended to stick the boot in to you OP, but it does go to show that when a man tells his mistress he’s not sleeping with his wife he’s not automatically lying. There’s a thread on here from yesterday from an OW and she’s being ridiculed for believing the man she’s seeing isn’t having sex with his wife. Loads and loads of people aren’t having sex. Not all but some do then have affairs.

Yes. I'm not sure that I believe that all men are lying, cheating bastards and just want their cake. Hopping from one bed to another. I would agree that this is a really big issue but not one that is talked about much. There are so many complexities in relationships. But what I will say is one of the biggest issues I had in the early days post affair, was feeling ashamed for staying with him. 'How can you stay with someone who cheated' 'all men are dogs, you're better off on your own' 'he's a dirty dog, get rid.'

Life isn't black and white.There are many shades of grey.

Whilst having an affair isn't the answer to issues in a relationship you can sometimes see the reasons that can lead down that slippery slope.

It's said that commonly men have affairs for sex and the thrill if the chase and women because they feel neglected by a partner physically and/or emotionally and they seek comfort and attention from the affair partner.

It's easy to say that maybe someone should have left their partner instead of cheating/should have gone to marriage counselling etc but again left isn't simple.

It sounds as though both of you have taken accountability here.It must have been incredibly hard;it also sounds like you love each other very much but sometimes things like this can chip away slowly at a relationship.

Have you had any relationship counselling?