Sexless marriage affair reflection

[me1co]

Hi everyone,
I will try to keep this as short as possible!
Myself and my husband have been together for 18 years. We have two children together. In our 30's. We enjoyed a positive loving intimate relationship before the children came along. Thereafter, we still loved each other. But my sex drive took a massive nose dive. I didn't want sex. Wasn't interested in it and had no desire for it. Pretty much ever. My husband still very much wanted me sexually. I often rejected his advances and made excuses. I even used the children as a way to get out of having sex and distanced myself from him emotionally and physically in fear of him thinking that I wanted intimacy. I hated that I didn't want it. But I just didn't. And I expected him to just accept it. He often told me how unwanted he felt and would express how he just wanted to be close to me. But this was largely ignored by me. Anyway, fast forward a few years, I discovered he was having an affair. We are a few years past this point and have worked through a great deal of issues during this time. There has been lots of anger, upset, guilt, regret. But we are now in a good place. We communicate. And the intimacy between us is like it was many many years ago. I still hate his affair but I have moved past the blame and the anger stage. This takes me onto my question. I have reflected a lot of the last few years and I have done a lot of soul searching. Whilst I totally blame my other half for his affair, I have given a lot of thought to the role that I may have played. I did not want him sexually. I rejected him and made him feel unwanted and undesired. We were pretty much in a sexless relationship. What are peoples thoughts on affairs for sex in these sorts of situations? Is there ever any justification?

@Shodan

Can I ask why it is that you think I should have considered leaving the relationship?

I guess because, when I made my wedding promises, I said "With my body I thee worship". I always took that to mean that sex was part and parcel of the marriage contract so, to me, if I didn't want to have sex with my DH any more (and I don't mean the usual ebb and flow, but a more permanent state), that would mean I'd broken my vows.

I was just musing because as you've acknowledged, a lot of people see things in black and white, and will only view the affair-haver as having broken their vows, whereas I always had the belief that forcing a sexless marriage on someone was also breaking vows.

But sexless marriages can happen for any number of reasons, and my feelings that these come under the "in sickness and in health" part of marriage vows. ( If these still exist) I have had periods of sexlessness in my marriage, up to maybe ten months or so due to injury and ill health and I never felt that I had broken my vows.

The op should have communicated the situation much better to her husband and acknowledged the situation but I disagree she broke her marriage vows. My husband is not due sex from me just because I am his wife. When we married we created a relationship that is, at least in part, based on our each providing sexual intimacy for the other. But this is not guaranteed, the only guarantee I can give is openness and that I will attempt to continue to be part of a sexual ralationship. If he wants a guarantee he can go elsewhere. And by that I mean he can leave, not that he can go outside the marriage for sex.

Hi OP,
We communicated really well about some things (children, finances the day to day), but not about others. If I'm really honest I feel he could've been more supportive, in terms of children and family life I carried the much greater mental load. But I can't just load that onto him because I also felt pretty unsupported by my family too. I knew that my Mum had pretty bad PND for example, but any attempt to discuss the possibility of my permanently slightly below par mood was brushed aside.
I also think I got so good at being Mummy as a role I slightly compartmentalized myself and found it difficult to morph into another role when they'd gone to sleep.
I know for sure I avoided conversation about our relationship because I was scared of what either of us might decide!
I have learned to ask for help, without feeling guilty. I am not emotionally speaking the magic porridge pot! In return I have acknowledged his need to be physically close and what that means to him

@crosshatching

Hi OP, We communicated really well about some things (children, finances the day to day), but not about others. If I'm really honest I feel he could've been more supportive, in terms of children and family life I carried the much greater mental load. But I can't just load that onto him because I also felt pretty unsupported by my family too. I knew that my Mum had pretty bad PND for example, but any attempt to discuss the possibility of my permanently slightly below par mood was brushed aside. I also think I got so good at being Mummy as a role I slightly compartmentalized myself and found it difficult to morph into another role when they'd gone to sleep. I know for sure I avoided conversation about our relationship because I was scared of what either of us might decide! I have learned to ask for help, without feeling guilty. I am not emotionally speaking the magic porridge pot! In return I have acknowledged his need to be physically close and what that means to him

I relate to everything you have said. I, like you, just didn't view myself as sexy anymore. It is easy to discuss day to day things, but much harder to to have honest discussions that may hurt the other. How would you relate the sexual/intimate side of your relationship now? And how and why did your sex drive return?

I agree with @Shodan that I think it’s unfair to suggest the OP’s husband should have left and yet not asked why she didn’t leave. People automatically assume a cheating partner is a scumbag that wanted better, so should have left and found it. Yet they’re often deeply in love with their spouse and family, they don’t want to break up the family home and hurt their children or lose contact with them - they’re just deeply unhappy.

The withdrawing partner is probably equally in love with their spouse and wouldn’t want to split, but they’re still hurting their partner in removing not only the sex but the affection, love, attention and time. It makes you feel just as rubbish as being cheated on. I just think it’s strange that we wouldn’t ask someone that had withdrawn, why they don’t leave and why they continue to hurt their partner.

No one would suggest someone has to have sex against their will, but to remove that entirely, along with all of the other things that connect you as a couple is really hurtful. I don’t understand why we don’t see this as being as damaging as unfair as cheating? It’s like comparing physical abuse with emotional abuse - they may be different but both can have the same devastating consequences.

Ultimately, if you commit to someone, you are supposed to consider their feelings and want to make them happy. If you’re not doing that, regardless of how you’re neglecting them or hurting them, that is wrong.

I’m glad this seems to have given you both a kick up the bum @me1co. Some couples wouldn’t get past these things without a big wake up call so I wouldn’t dwell on the past. It’s just a lesson, like everything else in life. Best of luck for the future.

@Rgy3250999

I agree with *@Shodan* that I think it’s unfair to suggest the OP’s husband should have left and yet not asked why she didn’t leave. People automatically assume a cheating partner is a scumbag that wanted better, so should have left and found it. Yet they’re often deeply in love with their spouse and family, they don’t want to break up the family home and hurt their children or lose contact with them - they’re just deeply unhappy.

The withdrawing partner is probably equally in love with their spouse and wouldn’t want to split, but they’re still hurting their partner in removing not only the sex but the affection, love, attention and time. It makes you feel just as rubbish as being cheated on. I just think it’s strange that we wouldn’t ask someone that had withdrawn, why they don’t leave and why they continue to hurt their partner.

No one would suggest someone has to have sex against their will, but to remove that entirely, along with all of the other things that connect you as a couple is really hurtful. I don’t understand why we don’t see this as being as damaging as unfair as cheating? It’s like comparing physical abuse with emotional abuse - they may be different but both can have the same devastating consequences.

Ultimately, if you commit to someone, you are supposed to consider their feelings and want to make them happy. If you’re not doing that, regardless of how you’re neglecting them or hurting them, that is wrong.

I’m glad this seems to have given you both a kick up the bum @me1co. Some couples wouldn’t get past these things without a big wake up call so I wouldn’t dwell on the past. It’s just a lesson, like everything else in life. Best of luck for the future.

Thank you for your response. It's very insightful and i actually agree with a lot of what you have said and the points that you have made. I am not sure that I fully recognised the damage that I was causing at the time. I was just so busy and I think I overly simplified it somewhat, 'oh hes not going to die if we don't have sex, it's not a big deal, I'm busy and exhausted and he should respect that.' It is only in the latter stages, that I noticed that he was withdrawing, that I started thinking, oh my gosh, I'm loosing him. And by that time, it was too late and the affair had already started

I think that when two people are hurting they can hurt each other without understanding that each are in pain. I'm really glad you've managed to find each other again @me1co. Yours is a brave and honest post and very valid on here.
Can I ask - as it's such a common issue especially for mothers of young children- what happened to raise your libido? Was it the realisation that your marriage was at stake, or the reconnection and the honesty and intimacy of truth telling when it all came out? I'm genuinely curious as to what changed.

It is a a brave post and a very sad post at the same time.

I personally think you have absorbed the blame for your husbands affair.
Whilst I understand there are posters out there that show that lack of intamacy is devastating I think it is in no way comparable to the excruciating pain of the effects of a betrayed partner by an affair.
There are so many resons why sex can dwindle or break down during a marriage and your reasons were valid, but totally could have been worked upon.

The effort that he took to actively find, meet, get to know and become involved with the ow is effort that he could have helped, talked communicated his deep concerns about his feelings of being rejected.
His effort in covering up his actions, his whereabouts, the secrets and lies that were made all took an enormous ammount of effort.
That effort should have been directed at you.

This relationship he struck up, how do you know this would not have happened even if you sex life had been abundant? Part of it could have just been the right time, the right place, the opportunity of meeting this woman who he felt an emotional and physical connection.
In other words it could have happened anyway.
I'm sorry I don't buy the excuses at all, there is no excuse for an affair.

I do however support your decision to stay by him if that is what you wish to do, I admire your strength, especially for being able to re commence sex and put your heartbreak to the side and give him a second chance.

What I do not agree with is your acceptance to blame yourself for His affair. He must own what he has done and you should not feel any guilt towards that.
Sex or no sex, what happens if you are older and ill health prevents you from having sex, is he then again allowed to chat someone up and fall in love with someone else.
Life throws many hardships through a marriage ..... sex, money, time exhaustion, stress, mental health, so many problems, together you are a team, in no way is an affair part of any solution that can get your marriage back on track.

I do not judge you for your decision to make the marriage work but I do judge your husband for betraying you.

person who refuses to ever have sex and withdraws intimacy must take their share of the blame for this

^^ this. They change the rules

@Porridgeoat

person who refuses to ever have sex and withdraws intimacy must take their share of the blame for this

^^ this. They change the rules

I do not know 1 woman who has ever stopped having sex for no reason at all.

I agree with the poster that said women don’t stop having sex for no reason. In my case the first time was an emotional affair, I was made to think it was my fault because I was too busy being the adult, working, cleaning the house and studying. I regret not realising that his treatment of me and me being run into the ground is what caused me to subconsciously pull away from the marriage. So I accepted the blame and we apparently moved on, but to be honest I could never trust him blindly again. Then almost 20 years later I found out he was cheating, with several of them, it had all been one massive lie. I never once strayed in any way. Once again I was doing everything, with children now. I literally didn’t even have time to go to the toilet or sleep more than 3 hours a night. He got all his sleep. He directed attention to his tarts, spent family money on them while I went without, must have made him feel like a big man. OP, I think you’ve been conned. No amount of mental gymnastics should make you ignore the fact he stuck his dick into someone else while you were overrun with responsibility. A lot of long marriages are healthy, respectful and caring. Yours just isn’t.

I haven’t read all of the replies but I just wanted to say that, if your sex life takes a dive again for any reason, he has already had an affair and been forgiven so it would seem reasonable that it might happen again.
You need to make it known that, if he’s feeling that way again, you talk to prevent it.
Would you forgive another affair ?

You pushed him away for a long time and you were wrong to expect him to accept the lack of intimacy. I'm sure you realise that. He responded by having an affair, which was also wrong. I'm guessing a complete breakdown in real communication between you was a huge factor at the time. I would say in this case with the wisdom.of hindsight it's easily possibly to understand both sides and to forgive both sides because you do in truth love each other and you've found your way back to each other. Why the question now OP?

@Onthedunes

It is a a brave post and a very sad post at the same time.

I personally think you have absorbed the blame for your husbands affair.
Whilst I understand there are posters out there that show that lack of intamacy is devastating I think it is in no way comparable to the excruciating pain of the effects of a betrayed partner by an affair.
There are so many resons why sex can dwindle or break down during a marriage and your reasons were valid, but totally could have been worked upon.

The effort that he took to actively find, meet, get to know and become involved with the ow is effort that he could have helped, talked communicated his deep concerns about his feelings of being rejected.
His effort in covering up his actions, his whereabouts, the secrets and lies that were made all took an enormous ammount of effort.
That effort should have been directed at you.

This relationship he struck up, how do you know this would not have happened even if you sex life had been abundant? Part of it could have just been the right time, the right place, the opportunity of meeting this woman who he felt an emotional and physical connection.
In other words it could have happened anyway.
I'm sorry I don't buy the excuses at all, there is no excuse for an affair.

I do however support your decision to stay by him if that is what you wish to do, I admire your strength, especially for being able to re commence sex and put your heartbreak to the side and give him a second chance.

What I do not agree with is your acceptance to blame yourself for His affair. He must own what he has done and you should not feel any guilt towards that.
Sex or no sex, what happens if you are older and ill health prevents you from having sex, is he then again allowed to chat someone up and fall in love with someone else.
Life throws many hardships through a marriage ..... sex, money, time exhaustion, stress, mental health, so many problems, together you are a team, in no way is an affair part of any solution that can get your marriage back on track.

I do not judge you for your decision to make the marriage work but I do judge your husband for betraying you.

Thank you for your response. Everything you have said is valid and for the most part, I agree with your viewpoint. But just to be clear, I certainly do not blame myself for his affair and neither do I condone his actions regardless of the issues that were ongoing in our relationship. I also agree that going elsewhere was a cowardly move and one which further diminished any chance for us to work on our relationship together. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and knows how damaging his behaviour has been and will continue to be, probably for the rest of my days on this earth.

@joystir59

You pushed him away for a long time and you were wrong to expect him to accept the lack of intimacy. I'm sure you realise that. He responded by having an affair, which was also wrong. I'm guessing a complete breakdown in real communication between you was a huge factor at the time. I would say in this case with the wisdom.of hindsight it's easily possibly to understand both sides and to forgive both sides because you do in truth love each other and you've found your way back to each other. Why the question now OP?

Yes I do realise that. I just honestly never imagined that he would go elsewhere. He was faithful for many years. I just didn't think he would be capable of causing me so much hurt. But I agree with what another posted has stated, that maybe when we are hurting we act in a way in which hurts others, sometimes those closest to us.

@DinosaurDiana

I haven’t read all of the replies but I just wanted to say that, if your sex life takes a dive again for any reason, he has already had an affair and been forgiven so it would seem reasonable that it might happen again. You need to make it known that, if he’s feeling that way again, you talk to prevent it. Would you forgive another affair ?

Yes, I agree. It may well happen again. Nobody can predict the future. But I can not live in fear of the unknown. Anybody in a relationship could say the same thing, 'what if he/she cheats on me?' But I believe we have done a great deal of work on our relationship and because we have both done so much work in relation to the reasons that led to what happened, I'm not sure that either of us would make the same mistakes again. And if and when we do face difficult times in the future, we will communicate with one another and never let things deteriorate to the point at which they did previously.

@DinosaurDiana

I haven’t read all of the replies but I just wanted to say that, if your sex life takes a dive again for any reason, he has already had an affair and been forgiven so it would seem reasonable that it might happen again. You need to make it known that, if he’s feeling that way again, you talk to prevent it. Would you forgive another affair ?

And no! I absolutely would not forgive another affair. And he is aware of this.

@oil0W0lio

person who refuses to ever have sex and withdraws intimacy must take their share of the blame for this Is that the right way to characterize this situation? you say 'refusing to have sex and withdrawing intimacy' I would say this person no longer has a sex drive and no longer has a desire for intimacy, and imo expecting them to have sex they don't want would be wrong. Yet you paint them as being in the wrong for not having the desire. do we make a deliberate choice not to desire sex? 🤔

I agree with this up to a point. The person who doesn’t want sex doesn’t make a deliberate choice not to want sex.

But if the other person is open about that situation hurting them and the person who doesn’t want sex chooses not to seek help in any way (from self help books to counselling to a trip to the GP for a check-up or even just talking with their partner about what the barriers to intimacy are) and just expects their partner to accept it with no attempt to work on the situation then I think that is different.

In that case if a couple are childless then it’s easier to say then the person who wants intimacy should just leave, but where there are children it’s different.

Also, to be frank, if the couple still love one another and in a society where many people would struggle practically and financially to live on their own rather than as part of a family unit, it’s not that simple.

That all hinges on whether the person who didn’t want sex made some decent kind of attempt to address that issue within the couple and didn’t just adopt a “my way or the highway” kind of attitude.

The person who no longer wants sex also had the option to end the marriage because of the situation.

@Seadad

I think that when two people are hurting they can hurt each other without understanding that each are in pain. I'm really glad you've managed to find each other again *@me1co*. Yours is a brave and honest post and very valid on here. Can I ask - as it's such a common issue especially for mothers of young children- what happened to raise your libido? Was it the realisation that your marriage was at stake, or the reconnection and the honesty and intimacy of truth telling when it all came out? I'm genuinely curious as to what changed.

Hi, I would say it was a combination of things; realising that I was losing him. A withdrawal on his part which gave me space to feel the impact of the lack of intimacy within our relationship which made me feel lonely and unloved. And then the openness and honesty that followed the affair which assisted us in reconnecting with one another. Plus I started to get my figure back. Starting getting more sleep. And started to feel like 'me' again after having our children.

I guess my situation was different. We WERE having sex, yes we had 2 kids who took our time and energy (me more than him as it common), but we spent time together as a family a lot and did lovely things and to everyone else (and me for the most part) we were perfect together.

I ever expected him to be unfaithful. The first time was a ONS with someone he knew years before (a school reunion...cliche or what), I was heavily pregnant with an almost 2 year old and was devastated but loved him deeply, he was remorseful ,etc so I chose to forgive and move on. We did, and the next 10 years were mostly brilliant. Which was why discovering his affair 3 years ago was so unexpected. This time a younger woman from work (another cliche) but the messages I read, the nature of it being an affair and not a ONS, the fact it was the second time AND that there really wasn't anything massively wrong with our marriage that a bit of work couldn't have fixed, meant there was no way I could move past it.

I have no blame to accept in his affair, none whatsoever so I couldn't so what you have done. Despite my experiences though, I don't believe life, marriage and infidelity is black and white and if you have something worth saving then I hope you manage it. It turns out what I had wasn't worth saving if he could throw it away so easily.

I'm going through something similar. I found out about a year ago that DH was having an affair. We have had individual and couples counselling, but that has now stopped. I know that you have said that you worked really hard on the marriage. Would you mind me asking what that involved? We talk a lot now and are a lot more honest with each other, but I'm not sure what else we can do. I do feel that he is changing and wants to be a better person. He has shown me this since I found out, and tries hard every day. I don't think he realised how selfish he was before, but I really think he sees it now.

Without intimacy and sex a relationship becomes a friendship.

@me1co

Hi everyone, I will try to keep this as short as possible! Myself and my husband have been together for 18 years. We have two children together. In our 30's. We enjoyed a positive loving intimate relationship before the children came along. Thereafter, we still loved each other. But my sex drive took a massive nose dive. I didn't want sex. Wasn't interested in it and had no desire for it. Pretty much ever. My husband still very much wanted me sexually. I often rejected his advances and made excuses. I even used the children as a way to get out of having sex and distanced myself from him emotionally and physically in fear of him thinking that I wanted intimacy. I hated that I didn't want it. But I just didn't. And I expected him to just accept it. He often told me how unwanted he felt and would express how he just wanted to be close to me. But this was largely ignored by me. Anyway, fast forward a few years, I discovered he was having an affair. We are a few years past this point and have worked through a great deal of issues during this time. There has been lots of anger, upset, guilt, regret. But we are now in a good place. We communicate. And the intimacy between us is like it was many many years ago. I still hate his affair but I have moved past the blame and the anger stage. This takes me onto my question. I have reflected a lot of the last few years and I have done a lot of soul searching. Whilst I totally blame my other half for his affair, I have given a lot of thought to the role that I may have played. I did not want him sexually. I rejected him and made him feel unwanted and undesired. We were pretty much in a sexless relationship. What are peoples thoughts on affairs for sex in these sorts of situations? Is there ever any justification?

Imo, it's a reason, not an excuse. I can certainly understand how someone in a sexual relationship with no intimacy with their spouse yet happy in a family setting, may wish to seek intimacy elsewhere. Especially if they have communicated their needs many times and been roundly ignored.

Having been in an involuntary sexless relationship and how hurt and upset I was at being constantly rejected, I chose to end the relationship. But I wasn't married and didn't have children or financial ties with my sexless partner, so it was a lot easier to split up.

You're not responsible for his behaviour as he had choices at every step of the way. You are responsible for ignoring his needs and expecting him to put up and shut up.

non sexual

@Sunshineandflipflops

I guess my situation was different. We WERE having sex, yes we had 2 kids who took our time and energy (me more than him as it common), but we spent time together as a family a lot and did lovely things and to everyone else (and me for the most part) we were perfect together.

I ever expected him to be unfaithful. The first time was a ONS with someone he knew years before (a school reunion...cliche or what), I was heavily pregnant with an almost 2 year old and was devastated but loved him deeply, he was remorseful ,etc so I chose to forgive and move on. We did, and the next 10 years were mostly brilliant. Which was why discovering his affair 3 years ago was so unexpected. This time a younger woman from work (another cliche) but the messages I read, the nature of it being an affair and not a ONS, the fact it was the second time AND that there really wasn't anything massively wrong with our marriage that a bit of work couldn't have fixed, meant there was no way I could move past it.

I have no blame to accept in his affair, none whatsoever so I couldn't so what you have done. Despite my experiences though, I don't believe life, marriage and infidelity is black and white and if you have something worth saving then I hope you manage it. It turns out what I had wasn't worth saving if he could throw it away so easily.

I'm sorry to hear this. Can I ask, what his reasons were for his ONS and his affair? Did you end your relationship immediately after the discovery of his affair? And do you now feel that you made the right decision in leaving. It is absolutely devastating. And discovering infidelity whilst pregnant must have been awful. I hope you are now in a good place x

@chocolateshreddies

I'm going through something similar. I found out about a year ago that DH was having an affair. We have had individual and couples counselling, but that has now stopped. I know that you have said that you worked really hard on the marriage. Would you mind me asking what that involved? We talk a lot now and are a lot more honest with each other, but I'm not sure what else we can do. I do feel that he is changing and wants to be a better person. He has shown me this since I found out, and tries hard every day. I don't think he realised how selfish he was before, but I really think he sees it now.

Sorry to hear that you went through this. How are you feeling now? I would say you are still in the early stages of recovery 1 year post discovery. It takes a long long time to recover from something so traumatic. What reasons did your partner give for his affair? And do you understand his reasons in any way? Was he remorseful? And do you have children?