Sexless marriage affair reflection

[me1co]

Hi everyone,
I will try to keep this as short as possible!
Myself and my husband have been together for 18 years. We have two children together. In our 30's. We enjoyed a positive loving intimate relationship before the children came along. Thereafter, we still loved each other. But my sex drive took a massive nose dive. I didn't want sex. Wasn't interested in it and had no desire for it. Pretty much ever. My husband still very much wanted me sexually. I often rejected his advances and made excuses. I even used the children as a way to get out of having sex and distanced myself from him emotionally and physically in fear of him thinking that I wanted intimacy. I hated that I didn't want it. But I just didn't. And I expected him to just accept it. He often told me how unwanted he felt and would express how he just wanted to be close to me. But this was largely ignored by me. Anyway, fast forward a few years, I discovered he was having an affair. We are a few years past this point and have worked through a great deal of issues during this time. There has been lots of anger, upset, guilt, regret. But we are now in a good place. We communicate. And the intimacy between us is like it was many many years ago. I still hate his affair but I have moved past the blame and the anger stage. This takes me onto my question. I have reflected a lot of the last few years and I have done a lot of soul searching. Whilst I totally blame my other half for his affair, I have given a lot of thought to the role that I may have played. I did not want him sexually. I rejected him and made him feel unwanted and undesired. We were pretty much in a sexless relationship. What are peoples thoughts on affairs for sex in these sorts of situations? Is there ever any justification?

@chocolateshreddies

I'm going through something similar. I found out about a year ago that DH was having an affair. We have had individual and couples counselling, but that has now stopped. I know that you have said that you worked really hard on the marriage. Would you mind me asking what that involved? We talk a lot now and are a lot more honest with each other, but I'm not sure what else we can do. I do feel that he is changing and wants to be a better person. He has shown me this since I found out, and tries hard every day. I don't think he realised how selfish he was before, but I really think he sees it now.

What was involved? We talked talked and talked for months. Often until the early hours of the morning. About our relationship, the affair, the reasons why, how it made him feel, how it made me feel, ways in which we wanted our relationship to be different, our needs and what we wanted from the relationship. We finally moved our youngest child into his own room as he was sleeping in our bed until he was over 12 months old. We hired a babysitter and started spending quality time together. We invested a great deal of time and effort into our relationship. And slowly but surely we became closer and reconnected with one other. It takes a lot of hard work. Sometimes I felt like I was making progress, other times I would wake up and just feel so sad. It was quite a traumatic time for me. I was having nightmares and didn't feel like myself for a long time.

So the very start of this was the usual scenario of your life feeling as if a bomb had gone off in the middle of it once you had kids - exhausted, pulled in all directions - and him not stepping up - not fully pulling his weight emotionally or practically - leaving you to do the heavy lifting until one of the extra loads you just can’t carry at the same time is feeling relaxed and emotionally close enough to him to want sex.

I never felt like this with my DH when we had kids because I always felt that we were a team and he never left me resentful and stressed that he would sit on his arse, watch me struggle with the bulk of the work and then want sex.

The root of this isn’t you not wanting sex, it’s him not being a team player. I guess then having an affair is something else a non-team player would do.

@YoniAndGuy

So the very start of this was the usual scenario of your life feeling as if a bomb had gone off in the middle of it once you had kids - exhausted, pulled in all directions - and him not stepping up - not fully pulling his weight emotionally or practically - leaving you to do the heavy lifting until one of the extra loads you just can’t carry at the same time is feeling relaxed and emotionally close enough to him to want sex.

I never felt like this with my DH when we had kids because I always felt that we were a team and he never left me resentful and stressed that he would sit on his arse, watch me struggle with the bulk of the work and then want sex.

The root of this isn’t you not wanting sex, it’s him not being a team player. I guess then having an affair is something else a non-team player would do.

This

Having been through it all across decades, and being out the other end now, I can see it was always going to end badly because of the type of person he was. All the counselling and conversations in the world can’t fix them.

To be quite frank - it was yourself who not only withdrew from the sexual part of your relationship but from any intimacy at all on all levels.

He tried to communicate with you how he felt and but you dismissed any and all attempts on his part.

You have to look at it from both sides. Having a strong sex drive is like having any other form of need or addiction. And it is a need if you have a strong sex drive. They only people that can dismiss this fact are those of us who don't have a need because we don't understand it - in the same way that i don't understand someone who needs a drink or a cigarette.

So whilst you certainly wouldn't be expected to do something you didn't want to do, it was probably inevitable what was going to happen because you withdrew all intimacy, affection and communication.

From his perspective, walking away perhaps just wasn't possible for a multitude of reasons - not wanting to leave his children and the impact it would have on their lives, still loving his partner even though it probably appeared to him that she had fallen out of love or perhaps had fallen for someone else, financial reasons, etc, etc.

Im in this situation and its unbearable. I cant imagine cheating on my Wife and the potential pain it will cause her and our our family. Has been discussed, but it become very demeaning to "effectively" beg, and no-one wants sex that's negotiated, its just not well.... sexy
Porn helps but it makes the mind mucky and I just want a loving sexual relationship again. Men want to feel desired too

@Burnley88

Im in this situation and its unbearable. I cant imagine cheating on my Wife and the potential pain it will cause her and our our family. Has been discussed, but it become very demeaning to "effectively" beg, and no-one wants sex that's negotiated, its just not well.... sexy Porn helps but it makes the mind mucky and I just want a loving sexual relationship again. Men want to feel desired too

Are you considering or would you consider an affair?

Ok lets re phrase this for the men on this thread.

I have never known a woman who was supported, loved, desired, cherished, adored, admired, understood and aprreciated for being someones's wife knowingly refuse all sex, for no reason and with no explanation and not understand that that ceasetation of sex could lead to their partner looking elsewhere for their emotional and sexual needs.

Of course women do not want that to happen but really many are faced with the option of having sex, to keeep their husbands but at the same time being very let down as their emotional and physical needs are not met.

All women understand that, just because men do not understand that women must feel safe, secure and truly loved before a loving sexual relationship can be regularly participated in is not a reason to abandon and punish her further by falling in love and having sex with another woman.

Both parties must look inwards and to themselves and be truly honest about how love is being shown and reciprocated.
Honesty and truly listening to one another, but both parties must be on the same page as to being commited to the partnership.

He should have left before seeking out being intimate with another woman. I mean, what are you supposed to do when you just don't want sex and someone else does, it's a common problem I think. Do you just give your body up for sex even if you don't want to? That just feels wrong to me... I'm not sure what the solution is apart from understanding that sometimes someone might want sex or intimacy but the other person doesn't. And if they can't handle that, then relationship over I guess, unless the other person's tries to find a way to enjoy it again but it's hard and not always a priority in life. I don't think it ever excuses an affair though. If he really couldn't cope with no intimacy then he should have told you and then left if you didn't feel like you could change your sex drive your end

I'm sorry to hear this. Can I ask, what his reasons were for his ONS and his affair? Did you end your relationship immediately after the discovery of his affair? And do you now feel that you made the right decision in leaving. It is absolutely devastating. And discovering infidelity whilst pregnant must have been awful. I hope you are now in a good place x

To be honest, we didn't discuss either infidelity in depth as it was too painful for me. The first one, the ONS he says was just a kiss, which I guess made it a little easier but it may have been more than that and I will never know. He blamed alcohol and 'unfinished business' (they went to primary school together ffs). This was in the messages I found anyway. She also had a husband. He was remorseful and begged me not to take his babies away and I couldn't even contemplate that at the time.

The actual affair, I didn't want to hear his 'reasons'. I found messages while he was at work, after a few weeks of him being pretty cold towards me and telling me he "wasn't happy" but no reasons why or what we could do about it. Weeks of treading on eggshells, of the kids asking why Daddy was so grumpy (because he was shagging someone else and probably feeling guilty every time he came home).
The messages told me all I needed to know and when he got home that day his bag was packed and i asked him to leave and said I knew about *** (the OW from work).
He looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights and took his bag and left. I got a few messages immediately after saying he was sorry, etc but they just made me more angry. He didn't have an affair by accident, it was a choice he made, over and over again.

He stayed with the OW for another year I think. She had also been in a LTR so they both lost too much not to try and prove to everyone it was worth it. Ultimately though the 13 years difference showed too much. She didn't have kids, wasn't that interested in ours and he had had the snip as we had completed our family some years before.

He is now with someone more our age (a little older in fact) with kids and i am with someone else and happy. We co-parent well and I have been nothing but civil to him for our children's sake, even when i couldn't stand to look at him.

Did I make the right choice? I made the only choice I felt I could make. I don't actually know if he was planning on leaving me for her at some point and the coldness from him was a build up to that or whether it would have fizzled out if I hadn't found out. What I did know is that he didn't love me like he should have done to do that. He didn't respect me enough to talk to me if he was unhappy, rather then have an affair and ultimately, I realised I was worth more than the value he put on me. I won't ever force anyone to be with me and if he wanted her, he could have her. Seems the grass wasn't much greener after all though, while my grass has gone from strength to strength.

@Burnley88

Im in this situation and its unbearable. I cant imagine cheating on my Wife and the potential pain it will cause her and our our family. Has been discussed, but it become very demeaning to "effectively" beg, and no-one wants sex that's negotiated, its just not well.... sexy Porn helps but it makes the mind mucky and I just want a loving sexual relationship again. Men want to feel desired too

But what's been discussed?

Not having sex is the symptom, not the cause.

Are you a team? Do you laugh together? Do you see each other as friends, and spend time together - genuinely? Do you really (REALLY?) share the work it takes to run your life, your home, your kids, your families' needs?

Or is the entire discussion framed around SEX when it's probably about feeling as if the other person is your team mate, your support, the one who has your back? If you don't have that... well, you fairly quickly start to feel a bit meh and actively shit about the notion of sharing passionate, intimate sex with them. Feels a bit... fake.

Thank you for you replies, they are really helpful.
Today I feel quite positive, but I know this can change and then I have several 'down' days where I can't see a way to ever recover.

We have 2 primary aged children and have been together for over 20 years. He is remorseful and keeps saying that he can't believe it took this to make him learn to appreciate me again. I think he took me for granted. I had always been there and he thought I always would.

Similarly to you, I retreated a bit and distanced myself emotionally and to an extent, physically. We did still have sex, but perhaps not regularly. My best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly and I was grieving. I also felt, but didn't verbalise this, that he wasn't helping me with the kids. He did nothing to help in the school holidays or after school care. He didn't get up in the morning to get breakfast etc. I don't think it crossed his mind. As I said, selfish.

I felt that I was dedicating time to him and our relationship, but looking back, I do remember him asking me for more time on our own and saying that he felt unloved. I dismissed it because I was busy working, running the home etc. He had an affair, I believe, not because he loved her or even fancied her that much, it because he liked the attention and she did all the running. He loved the feeling of being wanted

I could have written the original post, although my husband never slept with the other woman he had a sort of virtual affair... his explanation was that he enjoyed the attention and never would have actually slept with her. It hurts and there is no excuse but listening to how upset he was about our sex life and him having counselling made me feel like it wasn't about him falling for someone else and more about his self esteem, which is why I'm able to live with it and move on. Its never straightforward especially with children involved.

@chocolateshreddies

Thank you for you replies, they are really helpful. Today I feel quite positive, but I know this can change and then I have several 'down' days where I can't see a way to ever recover.

We have 2 primary aged children and have been together for over 20 years. He is remorseful and keeps saying that he can't believe it took this to make him learn to appreciate me again. I think he took me for granted. I had always been there and he thought I always would.

Similarly to you, I retreated a bit and distanced myself emotionally and to an extent, physically. We did still have sex, but perhaps not regularly. My best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly and I was grieving. I also felt, but didn't verbalise this, that he wasn't helping me with the kids. He did nothing to help in the school holidays or after school care. He didn't get up in the morning to get breakfast etc. I don't think it crossed his mind. As I said, selfish.

I felt that I was dedicating time to him and our relationship, but looking back, I do remember him asking me for more time on our own and saying that he felt unloved. I dismissed it because I was busy working, running the home etc. He had an affair, I believe, not because he loved her or even fancied her that much, it because he liked the attention and she did all the running. He loved the feeling of being wanted

Hi,

How do you feel now compared to how you felt in the weeks/months following the discovery of the affair? How do you feel that it has affected you and your relationship? Did you consider ending the relationship? When you say he was selfish, was he just selfish when it came to helping out with the children? Or in other areas also? And do you feel that he has genuinely changed his ways in the long term? x

@Katiekins1234

I could have written the original post, although my husband never slept with the other woman he had a sort of virtual affair... his explanation was that he enjoyed the attention and never would have actually slept with her. It hurts and there is no excuse but listening to how upset he was about our sex life and him having counselling made me feel like it wasn't about him falling for someone else and more about his self esteem, which is why I'm able to live with it and move on. Its never straightforward especially with children involved.

Hi, No it definitely isn't straightforward. How are you feeling in the relationship now and how long since this came to light?

@Onthedunes

Ok lets re phrase this for the men on this thread.

I have never known a woman who was supported, loved, desired, cherished, adored, admired, understood and aprreciated for being someones's wife knowingly refuse all sex, for no reason and with no explanation and not understand that that ceasetation of sex could lead to their partner looking elsewhere for their emotional and sexual needs.

Of course women do not want that to happen but really many are faced with the option of having sex, to keeep their husbands but at the same time being very let down as their emotional and physical needs are not met.

All women understand that, just because men do not understand that women must feel safe, secure and truly loved before a loving sexual relationship can be regularly participated in is not a reason to abandon and punish her further by falling in love and having sex with another woman.

Both parties must look inwards and to themselves and be truly honest about how love is being shown and reciprocated.
Honesty and truly listening to one another, but both parties must be on the same page as to being commited to the partnership.

I totally agree with your post. Thank you x

He should have left you if he wanted sex with someone else and you refused to talk to him about it. There's never an excuse for cheating and lying.

@Candyfloss99

He should have left you if he wanted sex with someone else and you refused to talk to him about it. There's never an excuse for cheating and lying.

He most likely didn't want to leave his children - you simplify things far too much.

Chocolateshreddies you have experienced the same situation as me and its so painful. We are only 6 months on and after alot of counselling he has just moved home but some days I am still questioning if this is the right move. He is trying in every way he can to show he is sorry and be more active and present in our family day to day life. This has actually been a reassuring thread to read and there have been some really supportive posts from both points of view, leave or stay. I always thought I would leave, no doubt but it is so very different when you are facing the situation yourself with 2 young children and a 25 year history. I do question how I can expect him to value me when I don't appear to value myself by taking him back. Communication was our big downfall too and we didn't adjust to having kids and then my return back to work in a challenging job well. I tried to engage him and talk but he just didn't respond openly, depression and alcohol were hidden and I didn't know although looking back I can see the signs. I never realised that there would be physical pain too as well as mental anguish. His choices have ultimately changed me and I miss the unquestioning, trusting person I once qas. OP I am feeling reassured by your post and that with he continued counselling we will be able to work through this and move forwards differently I know but still together. I hope you continue to be happy together.

So he doesn't even want to be with his wife? He just wants to live full time with his children. I'd be getting rid of him.

@Outbutnotoutout

Both of us made mistakes, his being the most hurtful one of all.

Why is his affair, more hurtful than you refusing all intimatecy, he tried to talk to you, you pushed him away, you made excuses not to be near him.

That is just as hurtful, more in fact as you are rejected from the one person who is supposed to Love and want you.

It is utterly demoralising to be constantly rejected. Unless it’s happened to you, you have no idea how it feels.

I can see why he did what he did OP. I’m glad you’re back on track now.

@mumofpickles

Chocolateshreddies you have experienced the same situation as me and its so painful. We are only 6 months on and after alot of counselling he has just moved home but some days I am still questioning if this is the right move. He is trying in every way he can to show he is sorry and be more active and present in our family day to day life. This has actually been a reassuring thread to read and there have been some really supportive posts from both points of view, leave or stay. I always thought I would leave, no doubt but it is so very different when you are facing the situation yourself with 2 young children and a 25 year history. I do question how I can expect him to value me when I don't appear to value myself by taking him back. Communication was our big downfall too and we didn't adjust to having kids and then my return back to work in a challenging job well. I tried to engage him and talk but he just didn't respond openly, depression and alcohol were hidden and I didn't know although looking back I can see the signs. I never realised that there would be physical pain too as well as mental anguish. His choices have ultimately changed me and I miss the unquestioning, trusting person I once qas. OP I am feeling reassured by your post and that with he continued counselling we will be able to work through this and move forwards differently I know but still together. I hope you continue to be happy together.

I am really sorry to read this. Can I ask how long the affair carried on for and how involved they were? How are you feeling? Do you feel that you are making progress and that the counselling is helping? I think having a child/children can be a turning point for many relationships. And if you are not working together and supporting each other, life can get very tough and a relationship can begin to diminish. Things do get better. It just takes a lot of time and hard work. 6 months post discovery is still so early on. Was there a lack of intimacy/sex in your relationship? And if so, do you think this contributed to the affair? X

@mumofpickles
I agree, I always thought that would be it, I would leave, who wants a cheater as a husband, but life isn't black and white.

It has been refreshing to read a supportive thread with views about staying or leaving. It takes strength to stay and strength to leave, so please don't say you don't value yourself by staying. One thing my counsellor said was that I need to take time for myself. I thought that I did in the past as I had nights out with friends, but actually I didn't do anything when I thought I should be with the children. I have since done a reiki course and booked an interior design course, both during times when I would be sorting out the dinner or Bath time etc. There is another capable parent that can take over that role, but he never offered and I never asked. As we hear so often, some men just carry their lives on as normal.

I agree that I am no longer the same trusting person. I'm not sure I will really trust anyone again like I did before.

I hope that you find some peace and work things out, if that's what you want

@me1co

How do you feel now compared to how you felt in the weeks/months following the discovery of the affair? How do you feel that it has affected you and your relationship? Did you consider ending the relationship? When you say he was selfish, was he just selfish when it came to helping out with the children? Or in other areas also? And do you feel that he has genuinely changed his ways in the long term? x

I think that I feel better. I understand the reasons he cheated, but I also don't understand why he cheated.

I think that this has unbalanced our relationship, I definitely have the upper hand now, it's not something I want, I wanted an equal partnership.

I think that his behaviour was inherently selfish, but I didn't see it at the time, and neither did he. He is a great dad, but ultimately if he wanted to do something, he did it. Examples of going on holiday with friends when it wasn't convenient for me, going to the gym for 2 hours a night most days. That has all stopped now, I know Covid has played a big part in that, so we will wait and see if the change is permanent. He has definitely changed his ways over this past year though, he home schooled the children, cooks the dinner, brings me tea every morning, none of which he did before. We also spend every evening together, whereas before I hardly saw him as he was at the gym.

I'm glad that rebuilding your marriage is going well, and thanks again for the advice

@Osirus

It's a bit chicken and the egg, isn't it.

To say a woman has no idea how it feels to be rejected is rediculous.
Rejected in what way.
Maybe a wife does feel very rejected, neglected and emotionally uncared for but when a husband is only willing to address the sexual side of the relationship that too hurts even further.

So you say because your needs are not met sexually, it is ok to sleep with other women outside of the marriage.

So are you equally saying if a wife's needs are not being met and she ceases wanting sex because of that, it is ok for her to get her emotional needs met outside of the marriage ?, in which case if she starts to feel loved and cherished by another man is it ok for her to have sex with him as her emotional needs are being met, because thats why women love sex, the emotional bond.

No I don't think men want that.
Sleeping and having an emotional connection outside of the partnership never made any relationship better.
We know what men have to loose if they get caught, loss of finances, loss of staying with the children, loss of comfort, these things should be reasons not to have affairs, not reasons why they should never get caught.

The choices are within your marriage, once you take away another person's choices, the marriage is dead.