BF growing weed in my house

[suzievisor]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I had a sort of FWB who came to stay temporarily on the 1st Jan because he got kicked out of home. Almost 3 months on he's still here - no money to move out and refuses to. Intact the council and present as homeless.

I have a 14 year old daughter and I have mental health issues (no polar). I'm absolutely useless at standing up for myself and now everything has got out of hand.

One night we were drunk he said he thought he'd like to grow weed in my attic and I kind of shrugged it off thinking it was pie in the sky. Then just like that the seeds and pots etc. Started arriving.

I wish upon wish that I'd spoken up then but fast forward and he's actually set up the plants in my spare room! He's got 6 growing strong. Says it'll be a slap in the wrist if he's caught and that nothing will happen to me but I can't find anything online with a direct answer to this.

I'm terrified, not sleeping, snapping at my daughter. He's a serious cocaine addict too. I guess I'm scared of him he has a terrible temper plus no where to go right now. I just want my home back but I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I guess I just want some words of wisdom if anyone's out there?

But at least I won't be supporting a grown adult anymore. It's been so hard. He hasn't given me a penny. What the hell is wrong with me

As OP says herself boltfromtheblueblue this kind of abuse is insidious and by the time OP had the full picture she was too afraid to tell him to go. As the very wise Eckhart says, fault and responsibility are not the same thing, I'm not absolving OP of the latter (and nor is she) but the fault lies with the abuser, not the victim.

So he’s moving it to somewhere very nearby OP. That means he will be around your area a lot. Get those locks changed ASAP and stay the hell away from him.

@choosername1234 I don't think I'll have to now as he's back already and seems to be moving quickly. I wonder if he's afraid I'll call the police

[quote suzievisor]@choosername1234 I don't think I'll have to now as he's back already and seems to be moving quickly. I wonder if he's afraid I'll call the police [/quote]
Probably. Or be has already set some other woman up for the same con.

Avoid him as much as possible until he is out. Let him think you might call the police.

Plant in a bag outside. Get it out the house and PLEASE change the locks.

Once this is over OP can I recommend the Freedom Programme. The online version is £12 and worth every penny, teaches you lots about recognising abuse/abusers and setting boundaries www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

And there's nothing wrong with you, you've been taken advantage of and there are ways to strengthen your boundaries to ensure it doesn't happen to you again, doesn't mean you're 'faulty'

After he has gone call police and give address of "friend". He may well have just found another nest to cuckoo.

I've no idea who the friend is to be honest. It must be someone close by but I don't know who

@UhtredRagnarson

You better hope it doesn’t snow any time soon or the decision will be out of your hands.

It doesnt even need snow. Just a helicopter/drone and a thermal imaging camera

It doesnt even need snow. Just a helicopter/drone and a thermal imaging camera

Yes but the snow makes it obvious without helicopter/thermal imaging- which aren’t always where they need to be.

Obviously otherwise the police would already have been at OPs door!

@suzievisor

I'm okay. He seems calmer. He's come back for the rest of his stuff. Praying all this will be over soon and I will be calling the locksmith. That's an expense I can't afford

He’s calmer because you stood up to him and haven’t backed down. He knows the consequences if you call the police. Well done 💐

Bag up his belongings, call a locksmith, put belongings outside. Weedkiller, plants in bin. Block his number. Then call womens aid for ongoing support.

I will confess I've never actually done it but I'm told changing just the barrels on your locks (which is all you'd need to do) is quite easy to do yourself. There are tutorials on YouTube, or could you get a friend/relative to help or do it for you? New barrels fairly cheap at B&Q or similar, might be better than paying for a locksmith?

Okay he's gone. Dd is staying at her friends in case he comes back later but I'm locked in (chain) and feel like I can breathe a little

Are you sure you are capable of parenting at the moment? You've put your daughter at huge risk. You've put yourself into a dangerous situation, and it all started off with you wanting a fuck buddy. You moved a man into your home, without any thought, and exposed your daughter to a witnessing a relationship which was based purely on sex... and then he practically took over your house. He was a drug user, of various serious drugs and then he started growing other drugs. You did nothing when you found out about the cocaine, you allowed him to grow drugs. Your daughter lives in that home.

How much did she know about? What conversations have you had with her about how this whole thing was wrong and women should not be treated like this? Conversations about personal safety, responsibility?

Did you stop having sex with him when you found out about the cocaine or did that all carry on?

You need to consider very carefully what your daughter needs... and can you provide that right now? Social services provide support and help; they dont just take children away. Maybe you could actually use that support.

I thought I'd get some sleep as I haven't really since the plants arrived but my head is swimming with all the red flags I missed that now seem so bloody clear

If you told the police about the cannabis growing, they would come and confiscated the lot. There seems to be different rules about weed growing, as in how much you grow and if for your own use, or then the selling of it etc.

I don't know much about cocaine, but people who use weed a lot, never seem to care much about anything in their lives. except the weed of course. Growing cannabis will stink your house out,and is horrible for those who hate the stench of it.

It's a bit of a downward slope living with a druggie, especially as you say he has a bad temper at times, So not good for you, or your daughter obviously.

If you are frightened of confrontation, do you know anyone with a stronger attitude , to help you out with getting this man out.

Well, well done op - nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary you have taken a courageous action and fought off a determined and manipulative criminal. I've seen cuckooing and these people are total bastards.

Many of the victims are so beaten up (often literally) that they do nothing and cannot accept help. That means the only remedy is to evict the victim. You have prevented that and got rid of this scum. Please be very very proud of yourself.

Get your locks changed

Well done suzievisor that must have been hard but you did it. You are stronger than you think.

I did carry on having sex with him. Honestly it's embarrassing but he made it clear it wasn't really a choice not to.

My daughter didn't and still doesn't know about the cocaine but to my shame she knew about the plants. I need to apologise to her when she's home and let her know this won't happen again. I don't usually share personal or grown up stuff with her but I think I'll need to be fairly honest so as to get across what has happened and how I (and she too as she grows up!) can be vulnerable to predators.

I think I need some advice with that conversation. The friend I'm now confusing in is quite a wise old sage so I'm going to see what she thinks

First of all: Well done!!!
Secondly: I would seriously reccomend some work to get boundaries in place for the future (I know this can be hard - although it can be difficult for people from very stable homelifes/secure childhoods, with no MH issues or past traumas who have good boundaries themselves to know what it is like not to have those boundaries. Not their fault.) It isnt necessarily their fault either but you owe it to yourself and your daughter to build up your boundaries so it doesnt happen again. This can be a lot of work but it is very doable - you could start with the Freedom programme but also lean on any mental health support you currently have access to to get help with this as well. Other posters might have ideas too.

Try and get some support from women's aid so that you can explore some of this. It does sound like he was an abuser and it's hard to acknowledge that to yourself.
Also you stood up for yourself today. That's really something. Take a moment to give yourself a bit of a pat on the back.