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Original poster

Advice I am the other woman

377 replies

emilysof1 · 09/03/2021 09:50

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 09/03/2021 09:52

Has he given you a timescale for leaving?

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 09:53

What do you expect people to say? You are the other woman and you're frustrated that your partner has somebody else.

You have got yourself into an unviable situation, and your alarm bells are ringing loud. People don't post on forums like this unless their alarm bells are screaming at them.

Do you really think anybody is going to advise you to do anything but leave him? If so, why? Can you think of any reason why it would be sensible to stay? Any?

SoupDragon · 09/03/2021 09:54

Get some dignity and leave him. Block him on everything.

He isn't "your man" at all.

Original poster
emilysof1 · 09/03/2021 09:54

@MuddleMoo

Has he given you a timescale for leaving?
He just keeps saying soon. After a birthday, after a holiday...you get my drift. But then it just never happens
OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 09/03/2021 09:55

If he hasn't given you a timescale then I'd assume he is not leaving. Just move on. There are plenty of available men out there. Once the excitement of the affair wears off he'll get bored of you and move on.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2021 09:55

But then it just never happens

Because he doesn't want to live his wife to be with you. It's that simple.

BlueSoop · 09/03/2021 09:55

Dump him. He’ll either dump her and come running, or he won’t and you’ve got your answer.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/03/2021 09:55

Why would he leave when he has you both?

He is following a script, they all do.

Finish with him, then you'll see how strong his feelings are.

Even if he leaves her though, you know how deceitful he can be. You'll never trust him.

MuddleMoo · 09/03/2021 09:55

Ah ok, then it's not going to happen. End it and then you can heal and find someone available.

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2021 09:56

Break it off.
That’s it.

He is pond scum for cheating on his wife and young children. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

LolaSmiles · 09/03/2021 09:58

He has a family at home and you on the side.

Maybe the intimacy has dried up at home, maybe he's bullshitting, but right now he has someone at home and getting sex when he wants it with you.

He isn't going to leave when he has his cake and is eating it.

MuddleMoo · 09/03/2021 09:58

I missed that he has children. Don't make him choose to leave them for you. How would you live with yourself.

OhCaptain · 09/03/2021 09:58

Honestly, what is anyone here going to tell you that you don’t already know?

If he wanted to leave, he’d leave. If he wanted a relationship with you, he’d have one.

You’re not his girlfriend or his partner. You’re his fuck on the side. Learn to have that be enough for you, or grow up, get some self-respect, and find a real, healthy, respectful relationship.

Those are your options.

You already know those are your options.

grey12 · 09/03/2021 09:58

You KNOW what you're doing is wrong but forgetting that for a second

It seems like he's using you for the sex he's not getting from his wife. Soooo no goodies until he leaves his wife, that should give you an answer. Either he does leave his wife or you can just forget about him

turnthebiglightoff · 09/03/2021 09:59

He's not "your man". Soz.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2021 09:59

No its not worth it and you need to break off the affair now. You will need to find another job and go cold turkey on him. He is a drug you need to give up.

Ask yourself why you believe him along with what attracted you to a married, older man in a position of power (precisely that). You have been given the usual lines such cheating types say to their affair partner. You have no idea at all what life is like for this man at home and for all you know he is still sleeping with his wife (infact its likely he is). The only person this man cares about is his own self; not his wife and children and not you. He wants his cake and eat it too.

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2021 10:00

It seems like he's using you for the sex he's not getting from his wife.

You mean “It seems like he's using you for the sex he SAYS he’s not getting from his wife.”

How old is that line?

YoniAndGuy · 09/03/2021 10:00

Simple question: he tells you he's leaving, repeatedly, but you can see with your own eyes and from your own experience that it's a big fat lie.

So why do you believe him that they have separate rooms - and all the rest of it?

What's the logic? The one thing you can externally 'prove' from all the things he says to you... is a lie.

But you choose to believe all the other shit.

That's your start point. This guy is using you, basically - it's the oldest set of lines in the book. He's not going to leave, he certainly doesn't love her (not because of you, because he's a shit who doesn't know what that is- he won't 'love' you either) - and he is almost certainly having a normal relationship with her. He just likes the fun of an affair and sex with a new person is intoxicating.

That's it. You are being hurt and used by a creep. You need to see it.

IndecentCakes · 09/03/2021 10:01

  1. Tell him to go back to his wife and young children, and sort out his marriage.

  2. Find new man who is not lying.

Twinkie01 · 09/03/2021 10:01

You're easy sex, he won't leave his wife for you.

Krazynights34 · 09/03/2021 10:01

OP - come on. His partner doesn’t love him? You do love him?
His partner doesn’t have sex with him. You do..
And he still stays with her??
Even though he isn’t married to her?
Come on. You can’t be that stupid.

BigPaperBag · 09/03/2021 10:03

So your dream man has already shown you he is a cheater? Sounds like a right catch. Remember this, when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. Never kid yourself that he won’t do this to you in the future. HE WILL.

ptumbi · 09/03/2021 10:04

Why would he leave when he has you both? - exactly this!
Why, when he's gets his loving supportive wife at home (who knows nothing about you Sad Angry) PLUS a bit on the side who strokes his ego and gets more sex?

A dog with 2 tails - why would be deliberately get rid of one?

Krazynights34 · 09/03/2021 10:05

Posted too soon..
Because Men are always so generous to their partners when they live with them that they stay with them even when they are getting nothing in return. Well known for their lack of selfishness. He probably doesn’t want to fuck you but he’s doing it because you love him. He doesn’t want to have sex with either of you but you want to, so he does it for your sake ... 🤣

readingismycardio · 09/03/2021 10:05

I'm not saying you should have compassion and respect for his wife (though you should!), but at least have some for yourself! You deserve someone that's fully emotionally available and not a cheat and a liar.

Let's say for the purpose of this that he'll leave his wife. Then what? Leave you for the next woman?

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