Advice I am the other woman

[emilysof1]

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

He's not your man. He has made commitments to his wife through marriage and fathering children with her. Why would you want him? If he isn't happy he can leave his wife, then pursue a younger version, he hasn't he's having it all and you are helping him. He isn't going to leave, he would have done so by now.

Tale as old as time...

If he wanted to leave her for you, he would. He doesn't want to. He isn't going to. He's making excuses to be able to keep having sex with you. He doesn't want to leave his wife for you, and he doesn't love you. Leave with some dignity.

Most men don't leave.

They often only leave if they're pushed out by their partner when she finds out. But often they go back if they have the chance.

He v likely won't leave unless she throws him out, you could contact her with concrete irrefutable proof and she might throw him out.

If that sticks (it often doesn't) you'll have yourself a potential cheater and part-time access to a bunch of confused, resentful, disoriented kids.

But she'll probably not even throw him out of you tell her. She's got young kids.

I know there are fewer unattached men than attached, and thus one was acting like he was (soon to be) unattached ... But it's just simpler and better for you all round if you avoid the attached ones, no matter what they spout about their relationship, and concentrate on the unattached men.

He's got two women and you've got half a man (if even that - a quarter maybe, and he'll probably fade on you of pushed, and probably won't even leave if she finds out and doesnt throw him out). Why do you deserve so much less than him in life & relationships.

Don't share men - they're not an endangered species.

I'm always baffled by these posts.

Why would you want to be with someone who has so little respect for his partner? If he does leave her, do you really think he's not going to do the same thing to you? Why do you think he would treat you better than he treats her? Do you really want to spend your life wondering what he's doing? How could you ever trust him?

Also, you don't even know him, and you certainly don't love him. Have you ever woken up next to him in the morning, had to deal with the day to day stresses of life with him, raising children with him, have you met his family, have you washed his dirty clothes, been on holiday together. All of the things that happen in intimate relationships where you love each other.

Put yourself first and walk away. Don't facilitate him treating his partner this way. Be the better person.

OP your story is as old as time.
I know of two different women who listened to this story from their married lovers, both for over 15 years! In one case, she waited and waited until his kids had left University ... then he ended it. The other case, the woman ended it because she was 40 and finally realised he was never going to leave and give her the baby she was desperate for.
End it now OP. There’s no future - you’re his side woman, not his main woman.

He’s not leaving. They are not sleeping in separate rooms and they are having sex!
I get you live him, home doesn’t love you. He loves the idea of you (his mistress) who he can booth call whenever he likes and keep you dangling with whatever he thinks you want to hear so you don’t leave him.

*I get you love him

Constructive advice:

1. Dump him and go non contact
2. Next time have a ONS or a relationship attempt to make sure said individual isn't with another person/person with children etc.
3. If he gets back in touch check if he has actually left his partner.
4. Raise your standards in the future.

He’s got his cake. He’s eating it too.
Cut your losses and save your dignity.

Have a bit of respect to not go after a married man again.

Walk away. If it's real it'll be the push he needs, if it's not then you'll know.

As someone who got too deep and stayed too long, thinking with just a bit more time I would be enough, believe me when I say that only pain comes in that situation.

Unfortunately you have fallen for this guy and he is playing both you and his partner. He's saying all the things you want to hear but as you've said, he never leaves so it's clear he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You don't want someone who will continue to string you along. It's not fair on you or his family. I think you know deep down that he isn't going to leave his family so you need to call this off. I know it's not what you want to hear but I'm afraid it's not going to end well.

I know a guy quite well who is "this man". He's not a friend but a close family member, so I know well what goes on with him. He's been married twice (over a period of 30 years) and during both marriages had numerous affairs. He's good looking, charming and has no problem finding new relationships when he wants them.

He always told the "other woman" he was leaving his wife and guess what? They always believed him because they believed they were in a "real" relationship. He told them what they wanted to hear and kept stringing them along until he was ready to move on. Oh and he was ALWAYS sleeping with his wife at the same time (despite what he told the other woman). I know this for a fact because he's got two children the exact same age from two different women - one from one of his now ex-wives, and one from the woman he was having an affair with at the time.

Long story short, both marriages have ended because he got caught one too many times. He's now single and probably won't get married again (I hope).

Most of these guys are the same, so here's my take:
No, he probably won't leave his partner - he's having his cake and eating it so why would he?

He's probably still sleeping with his partner. If he can lie to his wife/partner, don't you think he can lie to you too?

No, it's not worth it - if you leave him he'll probably find someone to replace you. Sorry, but you don't mean that much to him.

If you stay in this relationship, it will all end in tears, your tears.

End the relationship quickly and completely, even though it will be painful for you. The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to end things.
Start living your life unfettered by his emotional baggage.

🙄 If he wanted to leave her he would. Wake up honestly. To say your jealous is quite hilarious, you have no right to be he isn't yours he's hers.
Women like you are incredibly stupid and quite frankly vile. All the crap about i didn't mean for it to get like this bla bla bla
Save it. You willingly slept with a married man because you don't give a crap about anyone but yourself. You should never have in the first place really quite simple.

I had a friend when younger, who was in your situation. She was strung along by this older, married man for 6 years. He never left his wife, although, promised to do so many many times 'after Christmas, after that last family holiday, after his youngest turns 16' etc. He never left his family. My friend ended up spending her best years with this lying piece of garbage and, although she did meet and married lovely man in the end, it was too late for her to have children.
Leave him. If connection is strong, let him sort his life first and come back to you available and free.

Also what do you want ppl to say exactly??? Oh no poor you that wicked wife is locking him up and he wants to be with you?
Get a grip.

Oh and you shouldn't have given him any time to leave, you shouldn't have gotten into the situation ... But you've given him plenty of time.

People leave relationships every day of the week, married and nit, with kids and not, other people involved and not .. he's had months and it's just excuses & "delays". Doubt he's going to.

Also you may feel.in love with him but I bet it's limerence.

And also getting into a situation where you're competing for someone makes you feel strongly and perceive them as higher status & more desirable than they are.
Your self esteem gets caught up in getting them to choose you, but with most married men there was no real competition; they weren't going to leave. Most ow fail to see that - because they believe him .. and they believe men are like many women and would've be cheating if they weren't unhappy and wanting to leave; but men are not women.

Why would he leave?

He has a woman at home raising his children, problem ironing his shirts and scrubbing his toilets.

Then he has a dirty little secret for cheap thrills on the side.

He’d be mad to leave that cushy set-up.

But don’t forget the old adage- when a man leaves a marriage for his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

You’re not the first, you won’t be the last.

He won't leave her, too much attachment. I believed a married man who told me this, eventually I discovered he had told a second "other woman" the same. When I found out about her he told her he loved her and would leave his wife, me that he only loved his wife but had to placate OW 2. He me he had told OW 2 he would tell his wife after Christmas (this was in early December) He told me that he would tell his wife after their holiday and two special anniversaries in September. He was a narcissistic fantasist. Yours may not be this bad but you can be sure he is sleeping with her too.

He won’t leave his wife OP, poor woman probably has no idea, they will still be sleeping together, doing family things etc. Regardless of what he says.

There will always be an excuse, as to why he can’t leave, surely that speaks volumes. The fact is he doesn’t want too and has no intention of leaving his wife & young family. I don’t want to be cruel to you OP, but the fact of the matter is, he just wants extra sex.

My advice would be to end it ASAP and find someone who is free to love & support you. You deserve better.

Good luck OP.

Have you never been with him when he has showered before he goes home to wipe all traces of you off him ? Have you never seen him send a text lie to his wife when he's lied about where he is or given a cursory glance to this phone when a message comes in ? What on earth makes you think he tells you the truth when he is lying to his wife ?

(wouldn't be cheating)

OP, you're going to have a hard time here. I think you have two options:

a) Give him a deadline to separate and move in with you. One that is reasonable. If he doesn't meet it, you know he never will.
b) You leave him now.

There's of course option c), which is carrying on like this indefinitely, living a half life and feeling second best. Please don't go down that route.

Tbh OP, most men are cowards.

He won't want to be the bad guy and the only way he'll actually get up the courage to leave is if he gets found out and confronted - then he may give up and say yes, I do want to leave.

I think you would do better to give him an ultimatum yourself - if he doesn't leave by X then you're done. It's the only way.