Op all I'm gonna say is this (cos frankly the whole situation disgusts me!)
My exh had an affair, he told the ow all the bullshit your affair partner (which is not a real partner) is telling you. "We no longer have sex" "we're sleeping in separate rooms" "we no longer have a spark/connection" when the truth was:
We WERE sleeping together
We WERE having plenty of imaginative sex
We were considering adopting a second child (I couldn't have any more naturally due to medical issues, his idea to adopt)
We were house hunting
Also when it did blow up and I threw him out, he told her he'd told me everything and had left FOR HER - absolutely not true. He begged me to forgive him and let him stay
It quickly emerged also that she was pregnant his response to that was to cry on my shoulder that he wasn't remotely interested in having dc with her, that she was never meant to be anything more than a fling that I would never know about
They moved in together while she was pregnant and she wanted to marry before the baby was born which meant he needed to quickly divorce me
I divorced him, again he repeatedly told me he had no interest in us divorcing, he sat on the paperwork to delay the divorce but again told her that it was me holding things up. It wasn't, I wanted closure ASAP, this emerged as a result of her confronting me about my supposedly dragging my heels re his divorcing me. I'm a pack rat anyway, but certainly as the divorce was still going through I had all the paperwork, next time I saw her I had copied it all and handed it to her so she could see for herself that I was divorcing him
and he was the one dragging his heels
He would call and text me constantly, when he heard I had started dating again (incorrectly as it turned out) he went nuts jealous! Again begging me to give him another chance, he'd leave her (she had a newborn by this point) and only have dealings with her in relation to the child.
Divorce eventually goes through, more calls and texts
Their wedding is planned, she is pregnant with dc 2 which he tells me was also unplanned, certainly he didn't want another.
Night before THEIR wedding he propositions me.
Various points after whenever we were communicating to make arrangements for him to see dd he keeps trying to get in my pants and get me to take him back.
This only stopped when I stopped communicating with him at all (whole other thread re him being a deadbeat arse of a dad)
This is not me thinking I'm all that, ow is younger, slimmer than me and more passive too. So probably considerably easier to get along with. I am not an easy person to live with.
Since splitting from ex and through just general life experience I have met and talked with other women in my position and yours and learned my experience is very common, almost a script you might say.
They very rarely leave the wife unless the wife makes them, they very rarely truly move on from the wife and commit to the ow, even if they do that relationship rarely lasts.
In my case they are still together, but we have mutual friends still (she was supposedly a friend before the affair) and I have it on what I consider to be good authority that they're both miserable but for different reasons feel like they are unable to leave.
She is afraid he will treat their dc like he treated dd - which was pretty bloody awful
He is afraid he would be a lot worse off financially (he likes a nice lifestyle and his "toys") because they now have 5 dc and are married over 10 years and so she would likely get the bulk of the assets plus she'd make him pay cm properly - even though I was unable to but he apparently thinks she would be able to.
So they are trapped together.
He hasn't been faithful to her either, several affairs, inc friends of hers.
I'm not saying "once a cheat always a cheat" but if a person cheats once they generally find it easier to cheat again.
You aren't special op, you were just available. With a side order of appearing to be exciting/novel because you're not doing the things normal couples do together.
You're not doing chores, you're not arguing about money, you're not dealing with the in laws, you're not arguing about the kids...
It's a fantasy, an illusion. It's not real.
Grow up, dump him, get some therapy for whatever made you think this was remotely a good idea to get involved in and eventually date a decent, single man. And don't cheat on him (because your morals appear questionable too at this point, I don't buy the "he's the one who made vows" crap! You knew he wasn't available and that didn't stop you)