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Original poster

Advice I am the other woman

377 replies

emilysof1 · 09/03/2021 09:50

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

OP posts:
Laila747 · 09/03/2021 10:06

Meh....
Do the right thing and cut all contact.

Not only will you be taking a husband away from his wife and a father away from his children...you’ll also be taking the children away from their mother when she ends up losing them every other weekend and Christmas/birthdays etc.

I know ultimately it’s HIS choice not yours and it’s HIS marriage not yours but don’t play a part in blowing up someone’s life.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 09/03/2021 10:06

Hes not your man

seensome · 09/03/2021 10:07

Nope if he really wanted to leave her he would but you're putting up with being the bit on the side so he doesn't have to.
Also he will never respect a woman that sleeps around with taken men so you won't ever be replacing his wife.
He won't trust you, you won't trust him.

ptumbi · 09/03/2021 10:07

@PurpleDaisies

It seems like he's using you for the sex he's not getting from his wife.

You mean “It seems like he's using you for the sex he SAYS he’s not getting from his wife.”

How old is that line?

How old is that line? yes -and how easy is it to blame the wife. Angry

Come on OP, you are better than this. Stop giving him a wonderful life - he is a low-life cheater, and he will do it to you too.

How many 'other women' has he had?

tashac89 · 09/03/2021 10:09

Have a word with yourself. A man that does that to his wife and young children will most certainly do the same to you even if he were to leave her.

bert3400 · 09/03/2021 10:09

Have some dignity, he's not your man . If he cheated on his wife and his family what's going to stop him cheating on you, if he does ever leave. Which he won't.

RealisticSketch · 09/03/2021 10:12

The depths of your feeling have everything to do with your capacity to love deeply and not a lot to do with whether he is worthy of that love. If these feelings were bestowed on an available man, who could reciprocate, a wonderful union might have occurred.
As it is, you have huge capacity for strong passion and meaningful loyalty. He does not. We know this because he was willing to have a one night stand which a loyal husband wouldn't do. Even if he or his wife had fallen out of love he would detach before going elsewhere, if he was a man of integrity. As it is fidelity is dependant on 'reasons' for him. Perhaps something to stand by if all is well but optional otherwise (which is not really the point of fidelity).

Miraculously his one night stand happened to be with someone who was trusting of his described circumstances (the marriage is purely convenient now, we both know this and it's a matter of time before we make it formal) and open to waiting in the wings until he could become free.
I'm sure it has been mutually enjoyable but he is not bringing to the table the same things you are or risking the same things.
You're risking wasting precious lifetime on a no-future relationship which will destroy your faith in the existence of a trustworthy man (he's wonderful isn't he, so if he can cheat when things fade anyone can). He has a plan B and she might end things if she finds out but might not - there's kids involved.
But he can keep the flood gates of your devotion open if he keeps moving the target, next time, next time... Your feelings are so strong, and he can stoke them regularly with wonderful easy times uncluttered by domestic routine that he knows you'll be around a while. He has a sweet thing going, if he cared for you he would leave you alone he can't give you what you want/need, and he knows it, but if you're willing to tolerate it, so is he.

Dery · 09/03/2021 10:13

Cheaters lie. If he can cheat on his wife, he can lie to you about his reasons. He probably figured he’d get a lot less out of you if he said he and his wife still sleep together and he has no intention of leaving her for you. There is a type of man who will say whatever they think needs to be said to get a woman into bed. Cheating husbands tend to be that kind of man.

And understand that - for both of you - a great deal of the excitement of being together comes from the illicit nature of your relationship. You’re in a romantic bubble of waiting and longing. He’s going through the daily grind with his wife while you still look shiny and new. You won’t look shiny and new for long if he leaves his wife for you.

I do know of affairs that led to fully committed long term relationships and a few of my friends were initially OWs in relation to their now DHs. One was an OW for a great many years but in the case of the other two, the man left his wife very quickly (within a matter of weeks of starting the relationship). It can happen. But mostly it doesn’t or if it does, it doesn’t last.

Start using your head. Take the lessons from this situation. This relationship is no good for you. Call it a day and make it possible for you to meet someone who’s free to be with you.

toolatetofixate · 09/03/2021 10:17

Why would you want to be with him? If he can do this to his wife and children he can do the same to you.

Seriously OP, why do you want to be with him?

RUOKHon · 09/03/2021 10:18

Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left

I think you need to read what you’ve written here again OP.

Unanananana · 09/03/2021 10:18

@LolaSmiles

He has a family at home and you on the side.

Maybe the intimacy has dried up at home, maybe he's bullshitting, but right now he has someone at home and getting sex when he wants it with you.

He isn't going to leave when he has his cake and is eating it.

This to a tee.

You are effectively a booty call. He is a dog with two dicks and is feeding you the script. If he left her and his children what makes you think he'd treat you any better?

Get some self respect and grow up.

AmelieTaylor · 09/03/2021 10:18

Did you know he had a partner & kids when you had a ONS with him?

If you did, what were you thinking? Why did you go there?

He has young children.

Walk away, leave them to sort their relationship out - if you genuinely live him, stop trying to get him away from his partner & their children.

Plus you deserve a relationship free from all of the complications of this one. Even if he left her. they'd still be in touch regularly and he'd have the kids (probably expecting you to do the caring & parenting). It's a bloody nightmare when it doesn't start with an affair, let alone when it does!!!

You're young, PLENTY of uncomplicated fish in the sea!!

Wanderlusto · 09/03/2021 10:19

So he has lovebombed you into a...situationship and got you hooked.

OP I think you need to take a step back and see the bigger picture. Even if he did leave his wife, his relationship with you would not be healthy because you are hooked like a person on a drug, you are not in love.

He is likely a narcissist or similar. And you can see that this whole thing is toxic right?

Time to be an adult. Sometimes you have to do something painful and walk away. Firstly, because it is the moral thing to do and a relationship that's starts based on immorality can never be a wholesome one. But also, because you can see yourself that this man does not mean good things for you. He bummed rushed you into something too intense and now, keeps you dangling. It's all about his power and control. His ego.

Run.

RealisticSketch · 09/03/2021 10:20

Op you are in limerance, this lasts between 6 months and 3 years usually, in a proper relationship that should move into loving attachment but you are stalled here because he isn't available.
Read up on limerance and it's 5 stages, it can be a curse as well as a pleasure.

HappydaysArehere · 09/03/2021 10:21

Why waste time on this cheating, lying excuse for a man? Even if he actually left his partner for you how long will it be before you start having suspicions about him? For goodness sake get out again and find some unattached male.

Reinventinganna · 09/03/2021 10:21

‘My man’ he’s not though is he?
He’s reading you the script and you are falling for it. Get some pride.

You are easy sex, that’s all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2021 10:21

How have they been on family holidays in the last few months? Are you in the U.K.?

Method · 09/03/2021 10:21

What do you want out of this relationship? Because if it is settling down, having kids... well he might say yes but one day, your relationship will get to the stage he is in with his current wife. He will get bored of the long term relationship. And then there will be another woman. It's almost inevitable.

Mollymalone123 · 09/03/2021 10:22

My man?
He’s not your man

twoshedsjackson · 09/03/2021 10:23

Do you really want him to leave his wife, to start a relationship on this basis?
French saying, "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy"

JemimaTiggywinkle · 09/03/2021 10:23

Why would he leave? He has all the benefits of a stable and settled family life, with the added excitement of an affair on the side.

Any change he makes (either leaving his wife or leaving you) would make his life worse... he’s not going to do either. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he will... you know he must be very capable of lying.

You can only control what you do. Don’t waste any more of your life on this man.

murbblurb · 09/03/2021 10:23

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luciles · 09/03/2021 10:23

Gross, honestly. His poor family.

HazelBite · 09/03/2021 10:23

I say this very kindly, you are deluding yourself if you think that you may have a happy future with this man.
What he says is not what he does, he hasn't left yet has he? If life with his wife was so very dreadful, birthdays etc would mean nothing.
You are nothing but a distraction quite frankly! His life is probably pretty hum-drum at home, but with you he gets all the excitement.
So supposing he leaves his wife, will he want to have a family with you? He has been there done that, and it wasn't all that !
Do yourself a favour however tough and upsetting it may be to get rid its going to get more painful the longer it goes on.
Look after yourself Flowers

Alfiemoon1 · 09/03/2021 10:23

I doubt he has any intention of leaving his wife or he would of done so already. Why would he when he can have you both

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