Husband bought gift for another woman

[Egertion]

As the subject reads, he bought another woman a gift on international womans day (the day might have been a coincidence) and something feels weird about it.

She's an ex colleague, a lot younger than him, pretty (never met her but he's told me she's pretty and popular with the boys) and single. He was her older married boss for a few months and I know he was sad to see her go as he's said so.

The gift was a book which would have reminded her of their time together. Quite personal and could be seen as a bit funny but not romantic if that makes sense.

He's not the kind of guy that buys gifts, not to me at least unless there's a birthday etc. So it is out of character.

I found out as he told me after ordering it (it was ordered on my amazon account so the confirmation email went to me). He might not have realised he was logged into mine rather than his own. Or he knew and just assumed I would be fine with it.

He is now in a mood and says I am overreacting and that he's just bought a gift for an old colleague.

What's your opinion?

I think unfortunately his anger is because you questioned him and he has something to hide. If he had nothing to hide he would be simply be surprised you found it odd, would be wanting to put your mind at ease and wouldn't hesitate in showing you the messages as it would clear the situation up instantly.

The fact he's stomped off without showing you only suggests one thing. And that is time for him to delete the messages. I fear they may show things differently to just a simple asking for an address.

I'm so sorry. He is angry because you've now got in the way of his little whatever the hell it is he is doing, which he clearly knows is wrong.

Also. Do you have access to HIS amazon account? Any other gift purchases from there would tell you all you need to know.

Maybe something was going on before she left?
He’s is very defensive - you are his wife - he appears to have forgotten that!!

The explosion followed by

He said I absolutely can't see it as it is obvious I don't trust him. Also as I don't trust him there's nothing left of our relationship and he will now teach me a lesson

Is script behavior for cheats that have been rumbled, and is abusive. Using intimidation to silence you, and it ending in you apologising.... Smh

The dynamic between you has an undertone that makes me feel uncomfortable, particularly the teaching you a lesson line.

Next time you want to know something OP I would suggest you look for a yourself rather than asking.

He's keen to keep the dialog with this woman going for whatever reason, that much is clear.

In your case I think his reaction is one of guilt. Whatever he is thinking or doing he knows it is ‘wrong’ in some way and can’t handle it

Can't handle it my arse, more like doesn't want to stop what he's doing, so stops OP in her tracks with some intimidation tactics/gaslighting.

Please don't make excuses for this man's discusting behavior towards his wife.

@Egertion

So I asked him if he was still in contact and he said he'd messaged her to get her address to send a gift and that was it. I then made the big mistake of asking if I could see the conversation and that triggered an explosion of rage to say the least. He said I absolutely can't see it as it is obvious I don't trust him. Also as I don't trust him there's nothing left of our relationship and he will now teach me a lesson. I said I was so sorry for upsetting him and he then and held a 5 minute monologue on how ridiculous I was and that this was enough, he'd had enough of me as he is only a nice guy who does nice things and I ruin it all. I literally did not get a word in. He's now left the house and I don't know what to say. I wish I hadn't asked that stupid question 😭

Op, are you safe? Him teaching you a lesson sounds ominous. Do you friends or family close by that can stop by?

The fact that he but up a previous incident where lied, just shows what kind of selective reasoning he has. He is quick to threaten divorce or separation as soon as he’s questioned is not a healthy way to deal with disagreements.

On the basis that was his reaction somwthihn is going on.

A person who was being accused of something that was hiding nothing would reassure and show you the messages just to put your mind at rest and stop the argument.

He doesn’t want you to see the messages for another reason and is blaming it on you.

He's a lot to hide and has absented himself to buy the time to delete all evidence. Or at least that is my opinion. My husband once asked to see my phone becaise I am often glued to it and there were (he said) rumours about me and another man. It was nonsense, I have never and will never cheat. I have never given him any cause to not trust me. I gave him my phone happily to ease his worry and resolve the issue there and then. Was I offended he thought that of me? Yes. Very. And we talked a lot about building trust and had some counselling.

But as the accused , speaking from experience, you have a super easy way of taking the high ground- by simply proving the accuser wrong. What your dh has done is all pomp outrage and distraction. Given himself Time to delete. Emotionally manipulate and even threaten (teach you what?!)

He’s reacted exactly the same way as the last time you caught him in a lie. He’s even referred back to the last time you caught him in a lie. The odds are you’ve caught him in another lie.

@Closetbeanmuncher Definitely not making excuses but his reaction is a typical one of someone being challenged and feeling caught out. He knows he is in the wrong and reverses the blame. He can’t own his own behaviour.

Funny that the last lie was about buying something for another woman isn’t it! 💐😬

I completely disagree with the comment 'If it were a man would it also be an issue?'
Unless your dh is gay, of course it would not be an issue. I completely understand why you feel concerned. It's out of character. He's showing such thoughtfulness to a woman who is supposedly no longer in the picture of any sort. What is his motivation. I'm not suggesting that something has happened, but he's obviously wanting to keep communications open and going with her. What was his reaction when you found out. Was he defensive?

Apparently he now can't buy his female colleagues even a cup of coffee thanks to me, as he will worry if I will be upset and accuse him
Gaslighting.
Mine did this - massively creating a ‘straw man’ argument.

Sorry, I am well up to speed now. I was marreid to a guy just like your dh. He would laugh in my face and say I was nuts for questioning him. Eventually, it turned out that I had been right on every single time. Now in the throws of a divorce. I will be celebrating when I get that all so wonderful paperwork through.

@Ozziewoz

Sorry, I am well up to speed now. I was marreid to a guy just like your dh. He would laugh in my face and say I was nuts for questioning him. Eventually, it turned out that I had been right on every single time. Now in the throws of a divorce. I will be celebrating when I get that all so wonderful paperwork through.

How can they do it? How can they keep a straight face and lie like that?

His reaction was extreme. It will be interesting to know what this lesson is that he is going to teach you. Nasty words with a disturbing and worrying undertone.

He may in his own mind think he is going in for damage limitation, silence you, prevent you from enquiring any further by intimidation but he really has no idea how this will affect his marriage.
Quite apart from whether something has gone on or is going on, his intent or whatever he has simply ruined your relationship and trust.

Without trust there can be no proper relationship or marriage, your view of him will change with this, and not for the better.

He is a colossal fool who has destroyed his own marriage and for what?
Even if he is totally innocent his harsh unkind word sto you are the death knell to a loving relationship.

I'm sorry this has happened.

@toolatetofixate THey have a wealth of experience of lying. My ex couldn't even answer a simple question 'Did you have a good day?' His answer would always be 'Yes, no no yes' Bloomin weirdo

Similar thing happened to me and my ex a couple years ago, I had a feeling he was messaging a woman as he was constantly on his phone...so I confronted him and he had the same reaction as your H...refusing to show me his phone then walked out.....he came back in after 10 mins, handed me his phone and said I could look

I didn’t even bother looking and told him to get out.

Op
That first lie- wasn't innocent. I am probably a giant cow, but I don't believe that men do 'favours' and lie about it with out a reason. That reason may NOT be that they are putting their penis inside the other person, but perhaps that they wanted to curry favour with that person. Him lying about it gives a good indication of WHY

My husband works with a bunch of women and theyre always reaching out to him. One sent him a bunch of flowers and soppy card saying she would miss him. They all know he's married and ask after me. I dont have an issue with it? I think ur feeling insecure because she is young and pretty and u never have met her. If all my husbands colleauges were young pretty etc id feel like that too tbh.

@Lullaby88

My husband works with a bunch of women and theyre always reaching out to him. One sent him a bunch of flowers and soppy card saying she would miss him. They all know he's married and ask after me. I dont have an issue with it? I think ur feeling insecure because she is young and pretty and u never have met her. If all my husbands colleauges were young pretty etc id feel like that too tbh.

Totally irrelevant. He is not getting gifts, he is sending them which is not usual behaviour for him. The issue isn't that he works and gets on with a young woman, its the odd behaviour, lying and rage. OP is quite right to be concerned and upset.

Massive overreaction on his part and completely out of order. It tells you all you need to know; if it were completely innocent and above board there would have been no reason not to let you read the conversation between you and this ex colleague.

This happened with me. Except the female in question was gay so I know there was a one sided infatuation.
I think he had her on a pedestal and she became his confidant. At a massive detriment to our marriage and we are now going through a divorce.

He suddenly disappeared one day and said he was in a bad place mentally etc. I found out later on (by checking his phone, I had my reasons) that they had fallen out and she said she didn't want any more contact with him.
He doesn't know I saw these messages and denied it being anything to do with her, saying they were find and hadn't really spoken much.

Trust your gut I'm sorry to say.
It's strange to send a gift to another female who they aren't related to/best friends/in a relationship with, a gift without there being a reason behind it.
His reaction was exactly how my ex behaved everytime he was caught out.

Are you ok op?

Thinking back I have had a few gifts from colleagues over the years who were men (though only current colleagues). But the gifts were for a specific reason (promotion/birthday etc etc). And every single one was signed as being from colleague and their wife/partner. Including the ones whose wifes/partners I had never met.

To me, that would be the norm. I think if I got a gift from a ex colleague for no apparant reason, who I knew to be married and it didn't include his wife/partner on the 'from' message, I would feel a bit weird about it.