Husband bought gift for another woman

[Egertion]

As the subject reads, he bought another woman a gift on international womans day (the day might have been a coincidence) and something feels weird about it.

She's an ex colleague, a lot younger than him, pretty (never met her but he's told me she's pretty and popular with the boys) and single. He was her older married boss for a few months and I know he was sad to see her go as he's said so.

The gift was a book which would have reminded her of their time together. Quite personal and could be seen as a bit funny but not romantic if that makes sense.

He's not the kind of guy that buys gifts, not to me at least unless there's a birthday etc. So it is out of character.

I found out as he told me after ordering it (it was ordered on my amazon account so the confirmation email went to me). He might not have realised he was logged into mine rather than his own. Or he knew and just assumed I would be fine with it.

He is now in a mood and says I am overreacting and that he's just bought a gift for an old colleague.

What's your opinion?

Infatuated with another (younger) woman.
He's really, really annoyed that you're standing in the way of his shiny new thing that he wants to play with.
He currently sees you as an annoying obstacle.
He's not thinking of you at all. It'll feel like he's forgotten you are his wife.
This is why he reacted in the way he did. Innocent people do not react aggressively.

Sorry OP. It's sounding worse and worse.

I know it doesn't feel it but you are the one with the choices here.

Sorry this happened OP.

Of course it's dodgy, and his OTT reaction says everything.

Prediction:
He'll be devastated you could think like this.
You obviously don't trust him so what's the point.
He'll have to leave, but not his fault, how could he live with someone so awful?
He'll soon have a new girlfriend.

I would think him buying the gift was a bit odd and possibly suspicious but his reaction to you asking about it was even more damning if you ask me. Imo if everything was innocent then he would have been happy to show you the messages. Also, he was the one in the wrong the previous time but making out you were? hhmmmm

My husband shows me massages and conversations whether I've asked or not. Your husband seemed like that too as you describe him have conversations in front of you all the time.

This is different. And his reaction is far too over the top for the situation. Teaching you a lesson, ending your relationship over asking to see a message? He's definitely deflecting. And you most definitely aren't the bad guy.
Being secretive breaks trust.

@Candleabra

Of course it's dodgy, and his OTT reaction says everything.

Prediction:
He'll be devastated you could think like this.
You obviously don't trust him so what's the point.
He'll have to leave, but not his fault, how could he live with someone so awful?
He'll soon have a new girlfriend.

Spot on with the usual path these twats take.

If she had left this week, you probably wouldn't think much of it.
The fact he is being out of character, buying her such a thoughtful gift so long after she left...trust your instinct.

@Egertion it sounds like you believe him?

If you do, fine, move on and forget it. Don't concern yourself about who he's messaging.

If you still have doubts, act like you believe him, act like you're moving on and forgetting it. Give it a few weeks, then check his messages.

Without giving away too much details he went somewhere to buy something as a favour for a woman he worked with (mutual friend). I had asked him to get me something from the exactly same place but forgotten to check if he got it or not. When I saw a transaction on our joint account for the amount I asked him if he'd got it for me when he visited and he totally denied going there. I knew he'd been there so confronted him and he lied for a whole day before admitting having visited. He basically got the thing I needed but for the woman at work and then for some reason wouldn't tell me the truth. It was a completely innocent favour and no reason to lie. He accused me of not trusting him which on that occasion I rightfully didn't as I had seen the transaction

There’s a pattern emerging here isn’t there?

If my oh had a problem with a random gift I'd given
I'd just calmly explain - oh just heard their dog died or they have covid or I really got on well and miss them IF I was innocent .... you've asked twice in 14 years so not a crazy bunny boiler
You were not wrong to question
Don't convince yourself you were

Wow! Teach you a lesson? I suggest you should teach him a lesson...

He probably has a thing for her but highly likely she does not. Again, if they were in relationship, the present would be very different.

Tell him to move out as you are not going to tolerate his gaslighting and disrespect.

So basically, he totally exploded at you for daring to question his out of character behaviour and now you feel bad for asking and wish you hadn’t said anything.

That’s EXACTLY the reaction he was after from you. Now you won’t question him again, he can go back to doing exactly as he pleases.

I’d say your husband isn’t a particularly nice or good person and he knows exactly what to do to get you to back off. Very telling.

Maybe, just maybe he is buying a present for this woman because he is a genuine person with zero other agenda than friendship. The problem is though, his reaction is massively OTT and so smacks of being caught out. Plus, so, so, so many men of a certain middle age are just creeps to (younger) women, especially via work.

@BehindMyEyes I remember one last year about a husband who bought a pendant necklace, a trinket that had a sunflower and was quite ugly. Many PPs were saying that it had a hidden meaning form them, it wasn´t the value etc etc and if I remember rightly they were having an affair in the end.

@SVRT19674 I added the link a few posts ago to that thread

So you are now questioning your sanity.
That doesn't feel good does it ? You are also questioning his past actions now, do I really know this man?

It is 1 million % how these things come to light. You are not wrong to question him.
You say she is abroad, do you know that for sure, how many men have used that one to deflect attention? .... she's moved abroad.

In lockdown? Also why did he buy the gift before he knew her new address. Why did he not just post it straight on to her direct from Amazon.
I personally wouldn't believe the information he is giving you.
His reaction, you are being trained to keep your mouth shut whilst he disrespects your love.
Fine, he didn't want to reassure you, then you do not reasure him that you still love him.
That's a fair exchange, no cooking, cleaning any wifely duties just concentrate on the children. If he thinks anger gets him somewhere, kick him out of the bedroom.
So you get a gobfull whilst she gets thoughtful presents.
I don't think so.
Stand up to this selfish bullying pig that you have been convincing yourself is a kind man.
He is not!

Teaching you a lesson? You should teach him a lesson and ask him to move out. Today.

So I asked him if he was still in contact and he said he'd messaged her to get her address to send a gift and that was it. I then made the big mistake of asking if I could see the conversation and that triggered an explosion of rage to say the least. He said I absolutely can't see it as it is obvious I don't trust him. Also as I don't trust him there's nothing left of our relationship and he will now teach me a lesson.

Your husband is a massive prick and up to no good. I'd be telling him to stay elsewhere.

You do realise he is emotionally abusing you right?
You had every right to ask why he bought a gift for an ex colleague.

He has literally manipulated you to turn this situation around on you. That screams guilt to me.

As a 28 year old female, if an old boss ever sent me something like that I'd just think he was a dirty old sleaze.

So he wants to “teach you a lesson “ & “end the relationship “ rather than show you the conversation with his young, pretty ex-colleague? He’s guilty of something that’s for sure.

Very suss. I wouldn't let it go.

I think something has happened between your DH and his colleague, there would be no need to lose his temper about u seeing his messages he is hiding something .
And he has lied before I think your too forgiving and when you don’t trust someone what’s the point ?
And why keep threatening divorce ? That’s not what someone does over little things that’s someone trying to keep you in line .
Sorry OP xx

They had an affair and now she's gone. He mentions her a lot, obviously not over the affair.
He's a lying scum bag, OP.
Where's your present? Why did he not just buy you something out of the blue?

The only lesson I'd teach that MF is him finding his belongings strewn on the front lawn and I'd be speed dialing a shot hit lawyer! Google chump lady.com

@Sally2791

Generally men don’t bother to make an effort unless they have a vested interest.

Is that because women don't put out unless there's financial reward?

Goes hand in hand then....

TFIC.

If a man made that kind of generalisation about women (like I have sarcastically above) they'd be lynched.

You probably never would have found anything out if he hadn’t used your account by mistake. He certainly wouldn’t have told you. If he honestly thought himself it was innocent, he wouldn’t have gotten that angry with you. He only got angry so that he could storm off and delete his messages. Because of this and because of the words teach you a lesson I would never trust him again, the trust would be gone forever.

Sorry you are going through this OP. My ex reacted the same when found out to be lying. Just couldn’t handle it. In his case it was an issue from his past as he had been labelled a liar by his parents throughout his childhood. Therefore being questioned about anything would hit a raw nerve every time.

In your case I think his reaction is one of guilt. Whatever he is thinking or doing he knows it is ‘wrong’ in some way and can’t handle it. He was sad to see this woman leave and he seems to want to hang on to it and maintain some kind of friendship / contact. My ex did the same as part of a mid-life crisis. Became desperate for women to like him (and find him attractive) because he didn’t feel very attractive himself. Not saying your DH is the same but is he keen to get this woman’s approval because he admired her?

How’s your DH’s self-esteem OP?

Checking the book purchase out with him, and his relationship with this woman, is absolutely not unreasonable. Do not feel bad for asking him. You have done nothing wrong.