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Original poster

Husband bought gift for another woman

162 replies

Egertion · 09/03/2021 05:27

As the subject reads, he bought another woman a gift on international womans day (the day might have been a coincidence) and something feels weird about it.

She's an ex colleague, a lot younger than him, pretty (never met her but he's told me she's pretty and popular with the boys) and single. He was her older married boss for a few months and I know he was sad to see her go as he's said so.

The gift was a book which would have reminded her of their time together. Quite personal and could be seen as a bit funny but not romantic if that makes sense.

He's not the kind of guy that buys gifts, not to me at least unless there's a birthday etc. So it is out of character.

I found out as he told me after ordering it (it was ordered on my amazon account so the confirmation email went to me). He might not have realised he was logged into mine rather than his own. Or he knew and just assumed I would be fine with it.

He is now in a mood and says I am overreacting and that he's just bought a gift for an old colleague.

What's your opinion?

OP posts:
FollowingFlitwick · 09/03/2021 08:04

I don't like this and I wouldn't like it if my DH did this. I think context is key here though. He needs to offer a proper explanation rather than sulking about it.

Original poster
Egertion · 09/03/2021 08:07

So I asked him if he was still in contact and he said he'd messaged her to get her address to send a gift and that was it. I then made the big mistake of asking if I could see the conversation and that triggered an explosion of rage to say the least. He said I absolutely can't see it as it is obvious I don't trust him. Also as I don't trust him there's nothing left of our relationship and he will now teach me a lesson. I said I was so sorry for upsetting him and he then and held a 5 minute monologue on how ridiculous I was and that this was enough, he'd had enough of me as he is only a nice guy who does nice things and I ruin it all. I literally did not get a word in. He's now left the house and I don't know what to say. I wish I hadn't asked that stupid question 😭

OP posts:
Theredjellybean · 09/03/2021 08:11

I think his reaction was rather telling.
Its odd, over the top and made me think "attack the best form of defence"

RolyPolyLilBatFace · 09/03/2021 08:12

Probably wise you did ask it. It sounds like you've been told all you need to know

Sally2791 · 09/03/2021 08:12

DARVO.

Whatamesssss · 09/03/2021 08:13

Massive overreaction is for his guilty conscience.

Whatamesssss · 09/03/2021 08:14

Also leaving the house so he be alone to delete the convo history.

Fifipop185 · 09/03/2021 08:14

You've definitely hit a nerve there OP, and his response is very telling.

After that reaction and storming out, he can stay out imo.

timeisnotaline · 09/03/2021 08:17

@Egertion

So I asked him if he was still in contact and he said he'd messaged her to get her address to send a gift and that was it. I then made the big mistake of asking if I could see the conversation and that triggered an explosion of rage to say the least. He said I absolutely can't see it as it is obvious I don't trust him. Also as I don't trust him there's nothing left of our relationship and he will now teach me a lesson. I said I was so sorry for upsetting him and he then and held a 5 minute monologue on how ridiculous I was and that this was enough, he'd had enough of me as he is only a nice guy who does nice things and I ruin it all. I literally did not get a word in. He's now left the house and I don't know what to say. I wish I hadn't asked that stupid question 😭
Well that’s a bit OTT of him isn’t it? Says something about what he’s thinking even if he hasn’t been in contact or that ‘one message’ was completely appropriate.
Dayafterday · 09/03/2021 08:18

Hmm sounds even more dodgy now.

CatBiscuits · 09/03/2021 08:19

The man doth protest too much....

Anydreamwilldo12 · 09/03/2021 08:22

You're on to him and he doesn't like it. Very OTT reaction for someone who's 'just being a nice guy'

Cooltalkin · 09/03/2021 08:25

‘Going to teach you a lesson’
Really ? That is both threatening and ott
Massive over reaction IMO
If it is as innocent as he is making out

Lorw · 09/03/2021 08:26

My husband would show me a conversation without a second thought. I always have said I wouldn’t need to actually read anything, the reaction to me asking would be enough. Honestly OP, an innocent man doesn’t act like that.

Rose76445 · 09/03/2021 08:28

I think this is very odd. I think he ordered the book for somebody, realiaed it was done on your account and came up with a cover story. The woman who left his work and now lives in another country might be that cover story. He expects you won't be threatened by her at all as she lives so far away. Therefore there is no conversation about her address to show you. I don't like his reaction at all. It sounds upsetting for you.

Original poster
Egertion · 09/03/2021 08:28

Apparently he now can't buy his female colleagues even a cup of coffee thanks to me, as he will worry if I will be upset and accuse him.

What an unnecessary mess this feels like. Thank you all for your input though, much appreciated.

OP posts:
ChameleonClara · 09/03/2021 08:28

@Egertion

So I asked him if he was still in contact and he said he'd messaged her to get her address to send a gift and that was it. I then made the big mistake of asking if I could see the conversation and that triggered an explosion of rage to say the least. He said I absolutely can't see it as it is obvious I don't trust him. Also as I don't trust him there's nothing left of our relationship and he will now teach me a lesson. I said I was so sorry for upsetting him and he then and held a 5 minute monologue on how ridiculous I was and that this was enough, he'd had enough of me as he is only a nice guy who does nice things and I ruin it all. I literally did not get a word in. He's now left the house and I don't know what to say. I wish I hadn't asked that stupid question 😭
Don't apologise - you haven't done anything wrong.

His reaction suggests he is doing something really odd.

What is your wider situation - your/his/joint house, kids? I'd be tempted to suggest he finds somewhere to calm down and say you don't mind if he needs ten hours, ten days or ten weeks but you need to talk it through properly and he can't just shut it down.

Somethingkindaoooo · 09/03/2021 08:30

Yeah, very ott.

Unless you frequently ask him about his behaviour?

Original poster
Egertion · 09/03/2021 08:33

Joint house and 2 children. His family is close by so maybe I should suggest he goes there. I know I shouldn't have to apologise but I still wish I hadn't brought it all up at all now.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 09/03/2021 08:41

Was the book £40? Or several hundred? If so, I've read about it before.

And his reaction proves he has something to feel guilty about.

MacbookHoHoHo · 09/03/2021 08:41

When I read your first post, I figured he fancied her. When I read your description of his getting the rage and storming out, I knew he did.

He’s dreaming of restarting his life with someone younger and better-looking than he is. Now you’ve expressed your (perfectly valid) concerns about it, you’ve inconveniently got in the way of his blissful fantasy.

Ugh. What a twat he’s being. Honestly sometimes I hate men, or just people in general.

How did you two meet and get married? Did he pursue you ardently or was it a “nice person at the right time” situation?

Seadad · 09/03/2021 08:41

The reaction to your request is highly suspicious I'm afraid. Way too defensive and aggressive. He may have had his head turned? Although it may well not have been reciprocated- especially if he had to email her for her address. But he might habe become taken with her and have crossed a line in his overtures to her? It happens - but he needs to be honest.

MacbookHoHoHo · 09/03/2021 08:43

I still wish I hadn't brought it all up at all now

No, you don’t. This is good. Would you rather he was messaging and buying presents for young, pretty women behind your back? The truth liberates you.

ScottChegg · 09/03/2021 08:45

This overreaction is him training you not to ask anymore or dig any deeper, and it's working isn't it? Because now you wish you'd never said anything and he's acting like a victim.

Original poster
Egertion · 09/03/2021 08:46

@Somethingkindaoooo

Yeah, very ott.

Unless you frequently ask him about his behaviour?

Second time in 14 years that I can think of. I caught him lying about something trivial once and questioning that lie caused a similar reaction. He was going to divorce me due to me not trusting him but the truth was that he did lie so how could I have ignored it. He did bring that up in today's rant.

Although it might not sound like it he is normally a great guy, and nice too.

OP posts: