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Original poster

Husband bought gift for another woman

162 replies

Egertion · 09/03/2021 05:27

As the subject reads, he bought another woman a gift on international womans day (the day might have been a coincidence) and something feels weird about it.

She's an ex colleague, a lot younger than him, pretty (never met her but he's told me she's pretty and popular with the boys) and single. He was her older married boss for a few months and I know he was sad to see her go as he's said so.

The gift was a book which would have reminded her of their time together. Quite personal and could be seen as a bit funny but not romantic if that makes sense.

He's not the kind of guy that buys gifts, not to me at least unless there's a birthday etc. So it is out of character.

I found out as he told me after ordering it (it was ordered on my amazon account so the confirmation email went to me). He might not have realised he was logged into mine rather than his own. Or he knew and just assumed I would be fine with it.

He is now in a mood and says I am overreacting and that he's just bought a gift for an old colleague.

What's your opinion?

OP posts:

BehindMyEyes · 09/03/2021 09:39

He's got a little thing for her I suspect and he's indulging in some conversation that is giving him a bit of a rush . I'm sure she isn't interested in the slightest . His behaviour though has been appalling . His first thought should have been to reassure you whereas he stated he was going to teach you a lesson ? What kind of talk is that ? He now has you thinking you are at fault for raising it which you have every right to do . You have every right to question this . Don't let the current shit cloud your accurate reading of this situation .

CaptSkippy · 09/03/2021 09:41

Sorry, OP. It's a shitty situation. Your husband is (emotionally) cheating on you. I can't offer your anything other a virtual hug.

comfyslippets · 09/03/2021 09:41

@egertion please, please don't apologise to him again. You have nothing to apologise for. All you did was ask and he exploded. I hate the way women feel the need to apologise when they haven't even done anything wrong. He started this and if he had nothing to hide then there is no need to get so angry. As somebody else said, attack is the best form of defence.

MadeForThis · 09/03/2021 09:45

Teach you a lesson???

Those are the only two times you have caught him out. I bet his conversation proves he has been in touch with her all along.

That's a massive overreaction. And nasty.

IhaveNotBroughtMySpecsWithMe · 09/03/2021 09:47

He walked out so he could delete messages. If someone asked to see my 'innocent' messages I wouldn't react like that.

Lozzerbmc · 09/03/2021 09:52

His reaction says it all - if it was innocent he would have calmly reassured you that was the case.

The fact he reacted so badly shows you he is defensive and his outburst is to shut you up about it. The “teaching you a lesson” bit I also think disturbing. Sorry you are going through this.

Juno231 · 09/03/2021 09:54

That's a huge red flag OP that he blew up in a rage and became defensive. It's not okay.

frazzledasarock · 09/03/2021 09:55

Egertion, your marriage is not a mutually respectful one.

Your H is a gaslighting abusive man.

I'd advise you set up a rainy day fund and map out what you would do if you needed to leave.

You don't have to leave, you don't need to do anything.

But it's good to have an emergency fund.

Make sure you remain financially autonomous. You do not want to be at the financial mercy of a man who threatens 'he will now teach me a lesson'.

Do you have family and friends around you?

seensome · 09/03/2021 09:59

I think because she left some time ago it's weird to now send her a present and go to the hassle of sending it abroad, you would have to really like someone for that, I guess it's not a romantic gift but it's his intentions which is suspicious.
You said she's popular with men and is pretty, do you really think your husband is a catch for her? Or maybe his wishful thinking.
You were right to question it though, if it was nothing surely he would reassure you not go into a rage.

AThousandStarlings · 09/03/2021 10:01

Similar experience - but the other way round. My husband was sent (via amazon) a 'thoughtful' gift (a book) by a woman he worked with many many months after he'd left. It was on a 'particular' area of interest that she was 'passionate' about and was always talking about in the office. Apparently the book was quite hard to get hold of (which is why it arrived at our home address so long after his departure). She had also become very emotional during an appraisal and he had supported her, changed her working environment and used HR to clarify issues with another team member, which really helped her along, so I think she was very grateful. I did think their relationship was a bit odd. His colleague was passionate about climate change and it was an environmental book - talking in great technical detail about re-cycling and the effect on our planet. Quite a heavy/detailed read. My husband read it in bed over a period of several weeks (and whilst I do my best with re-cycling) I then had to endure months of listening to the precise footprint of a single banana skin (which had accidentally made its way into the general bin) and which bin I should put specific brands of tea bags. He also used to audit my recycling (and go through the contents of the bins to check exactly which items were put in the general recycling, the paper recycling, the food recycling etc to check that I had separated things out correctly). I was constantly criticised for failing to remove the 'tops' from plastic bottles etc or not separating the paper sleeve from around the plastic yogurt pot before putting both bits into the recycling bin - as apparently the recycling/sifting machines can't separate out different types of waste ( and such cross contamination then affects that whole unit of waste etc). Peoples minds do connect in the workplace over all sorts of interests.

diamondpony80 · 09/03/2021 10:05

I don't think my DH has bought me a gift off the cuff like that since we were dating. He does all the traditional gift dates like birthdays, Christmas, Valentines etc. but otherwise, no. I'd be very suspicious personally. It's a sign he's thinking about her and wants to make her happy. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing most guys would do without a motive.

Outbutnotoutout · 09/03/2021 10:08

People do not react in that way if it was innocent

His rage was to shut you up, while he went off and deleted all the evidence.

I would probably think he had an EA with her and all the messages were there

bjrce · 09/03/2021 10:10

Its highly likely he has some sort of infatuation with his former colleague, but it annoyed him that he was caught out on having purchased the book on your Amazon account. ( In a mood)!

He wanted to be seen as the "such a thoughtful" guy sending on this book, he is definitely fishing, wants to get some form of dialogue going with her, no mistake about that.

The fact is, his reaction to you spoke volumes, he is furious you are onto him. His aggressive reaction signalled both anger and shock and how quickly he was exposed.
Based on a past experience both you and he know he is capable of lying

His "teaching you a lesson" is his way of keeping you in your place.

He is not a nice guy!

RUOKHon · 09/03/2021 10:10

What was the lie you caught him in all those years ago?

toolatetofixate · 09/03/2021 10:10

His reaction shows there's much more to this than he's saying.

BehindMyEyes · 09/03/2021 10:11

I remember there was a thread like this before with the H buying someone a bracelet - some weird thing ?Does anyone recall that one ?

Lovelivesmile · 09/03/2021 10:21

Op I would do some digging now, look at his phone etc in a couple of weeks time. I’m not for snooping but you now need to find the truth.
There were definitely messages between them and that’s why he didn’t show you and ran off in a rage to delete them. You should not have apologised. If he had shown you his phone and explained the book and there was some innocent explanation- perhaps then is the time for apologies. Now he thinks he has the upper hand and you won’t ask anything again.
He’s been talking to her and she’s told him something about herself that’s prompted the book. If he wasn’t talking to her (but doubt because of phone rage) then he’s still thinking about her months after she left and trying to strike up communication again. Neither are good
The first reaction of an innocent person would be to show you the phone and explain the book. That’s normal. They might get mad after for doubting them but not before.
What will you do now?

Original poster

Egertion · 09/03/2021 10:25

@RUOKHon

What was the lie you caught him in all those years ago?

Without giving away too much details he went somewhere to buy something as a favour for a woman he worked with (mutual friend). I had asked him to get me something from the exactly same place but forgotten to check if he got it or not. When I saw a transaction on our joint account for the amount I asked him if he'd got it for me when he visited and he totally denied going there. I knew he'd been there so confronted him and he lied for a whole day before admitting having visited. He basically got the thing I needed but for the woman at work and then for some reason wouldn't tell me the truth. It was a completely innocent favour and no reason to lie. He accused me of not trusting him which on that occasion I rightfully didn't as I had seen the transaction.

OP posts:

Original poster

Egertion · 09/03/2021 10:28

@frazzledasarock

Egertion, your marriage is not a mutually respectful one.

Your H is a gaslighting abusive man.

I'd advise you set up a rainy day fund and map out what you would do if you needed to leave.

You don't have to leave, you don't need to do anything.

But it's good to have an emergency fund.

Make sure you remain financially autonomous. You do not want to be at the financial mercy of a man who threatens 'he will now teach me a lesson'.

Do you have family and friends around you?

I have family and friends here who can support and a healthy economy so I am not tied in a financial way. Just emotionally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Egertion · 09/03/2021 10:30

@BehindMyEyes

I remember there was a thread like this before with the H buying someone a bracelet - some weird thing ?Does anyone recall that one ?

I think I remember that yes, a long time ago. Can't remember what happened.

OP posts:

mummyof4kids · 09/03/2021 10:30

@Egertion

So I asked him if he was still in contact and he said he'd messaged her to get her address to send a gift and that was it. I then made the big mistake of asking if I could see the conversation and that triggered an explosion of rage to say the least. He said I absolutely can't see it as it is obvious I don't trust him. Also as I don't trust him there's nothing left of our relationship and he will now teach me a lesson. I said I was so sorry for upsetting him and he then and held a 5 minute monologue on how ridiculous I was and that this was enough, he'd had enough of me as he is only a nice guy who does nice things and I ruin it all. I literally did not get a word in. He's now left the house and I don't know what to say. I wish I hadn't asked that stupid question 😭

Massive red flag! An innocent man would happily show you the conversation

redspecial · 09/03/2021 10:41

you're being taught a lesson of not to dare question him or catch him out when he's being duplicitous.

He doesn't buy gifts for other colleagues, she didn't work for him long, she left a while ago, why is he even thinking about her let alone spending money on her? does he buy other people random gifts? what did he get you for international women's day?

if you weren't suspicious before, you really should be now. Some people defend themselves by launching a full scale attack (my DM) and it may be a stupid midlife crisis fantasy and nothing more, but the book is nothing compared to his reaction and behaviour toward you about it.

Lovelivesmile · 09/03/2021 11:00

@BehindMyEyes

I remember there was a thread like this before with the H buying someone a bracelet - some weird thing ?Does anyone recall that one ?

There’s this one about a necklace? Looked dodgy as hell but op put her fingers in her ears and hand over eyes I think in the end

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4104075-DH-had-lunch-with-another-woman?pg=16

TheFiend · 09/03/2021 11:09

There was an almost identical thread to this a few weeks back

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot1 · 09/03/2021 12:06

As soon as my husband was about to walk out the door, citing lack of trust, I would be telling him if I didn't see his phone before he left, that would be the end.

It's obviously the way he can remove any evidence and I would never be able to trust that he hadn't.

If me checking this conversation meant the end then so be it, but it would be the end anyway as I would never know the truth if he walked out.

Saying that, I couldn't be with a guy who was secretive with his phone, been down that road too many times. I need the openness and honesty (which works both ways).

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