Husband bought gift for another woman

[Egertion]

As the subject reads, he bought another woman a gift on international womans day (the day might have been a coincidence) and something feels weird about it.

She's an ex colleague, a lot younger than him, pretty (never met her but he's told me she's pretty and popular with the boys) and single. He was her older married boss for a few months and I know he was sad to see her go as he's said so.

The gift was a book which would have reminded her of their time together. Quite personal and could be seen as a bit funny but not romantic if that makes sense.

He's not the kind of guy that buys gifts, not to me at least unless there's a birthday etc. So it is out of character.

I found out as he told me after ordering it (it was ordered on my amazon account so the confirmation email went to me). He might not have realised he was logged into mine rather than his own. Or he knew and just assumed I would be fine with it.

He is now in a mood and says I am overreacting and that he's just bought a gift for an old colleague.

What's your opinion?

@ScottChegg

This overreaction is him training you not to ask anymore or dig any deeper, and it's working isn't it? Because now you wish you'd never said anything and he's acting like a victim.

Yes he is teaching you a lesson. Don't question him or you will be subjected to the rage.

An innocent person usually would show proof to show innocence. He hasn't.

Ask yourself why he would put this amount of effort and energy into putting you off from looking closer.

Any normal person with nothing to hide might be slightly annoyed at having their messages read but would hand their phone over knowing it would all be fine. What he’s done is a massive overreaction and is possibly pointing to him lying. You did the right thing OP, he’s acting weird and strangely aggressive about all of this.

You staying quiet wouldn't have changed what he's doing. It just would have left you forever the lower partner in the relationship. You have every right to speak up and question your partner's actions. The problem is that you have now stumbled on an actual problem. That's hard.

Don't forget that how you react and what you do in these situations is all a test. He will take his lead from the boundaries you establish. I'm not saying it's such a conscious thing but I suspect he was testing the waters by being totally open about sending the book as he would then benefit from the open door to her going forward. It was the start of a special relationship and if you hadn't questioned the book, he'd be able to chat to her online and send texts etc openly knowing you wouldn't object.

They must still be in touch. Maybe he sees himself as her mentor or maybe they're friends, but what's off is him not mentioning it before and his reaction to you since finding out! He's obviously not mentioned anything prior either because he was worried about your reaction or because he might have to examine his own motives - quite possibly both. I think he's harbouring a school boy crush and telling himself it's as friendship or mentorship. He doesn't like you coming along and asking question because it exposes it for what it is and because he probably feels stupid. That just my theory, anyway. There's no fool like an old fool.

Thank you all for your support, it really helps. I need to try and get myself together now as I am about to start my shift at work.

Hmm, well, I was about to respond that I don't find the book thing weird at all if it's something that reminded him of a conversation with her.

I've got an ex colleague and I was on holiday and spotted something I knew he'd absolutely love after previous chats we'd had. I bought it and messaged him to ask for his address. Nothing dodgy.

I also wouldn't hand my phone over on demand. But, him shouting and raging about teaching you a lesson is just not right and somehow makes me wonder if there's more to it on this occasion. Tricky.

I'd certainly be telling him that he won't be the one dishing out punishments and that he can leave for a few days until he's calmed down.

He was going to divorce you for calling him
out in a lie?

Now he's going to 'teach you a lesson'

Funny that the two times you've called him out he's not been nice. He's got you right where he wants you, you're walking in egg shells so not to provoke this reaction from him.

He's NOT the nice guy you are covering for.

Sorry

The only time a married man bought me gifts was when he wanted to get with me (I didn't).

Having read your updates op my feeling is that there is more to the situation.
His outburst of anger at you asking to see the messages sounds like he knew he couldn’t show you because there was more and so to deflect he started pointing the finger at you.

Previous time he acted like this you said he was lying. So based on your past experience it would seem that’s likely again.

The posting it would have been quite an effort , queueing up at the post office is such s drag

I'd book some couples counselling , that woman may be in another country now but his eye/ brain/ little brain has certainly wandered

@Hailtomyteeth

Was the book £40? Or several hundred? If so, I've read about it before.

And his reaction proves he has something to feel guilty about.

It was not expensive, £20 something.

He's only nice when you toe the line and don't question him. Ie when he's got you where he wants you.

I'm so sorry. This probably isn't unraveling the way you wanted or expected.

I'm sad to say I've seen this far too many times on here.

Can you get him to go to his parents for a while? There's something off with the present thing. My first thought was it was his way of getting an address for her now she's moved and restarting contact.

The bit about "teaching you a lesson " is really disturbing
His reaction told you all you need to known

I agree, DARVO,

Deny , Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender

It is because you tried to hold him accountable for his behaviour. The big rage scene was to stop you asking again to see that conversation which no doubt was not "hey, I found a book you would love, bought it and need your address to send it to you" but probably a continuation of the conversations they have been having for months.

It isn't that he didn't want to show you, he couldn't show you because of what he had written. If he had nothing to hide he would have shown it to you to put you in your place, a see, nothing for you to get suspicious about. But he didn't. He will now have deleted that conversation between them.

@nitsandwormsdodger

The bit about "teaching you a lesson " is really disturbing His reaction told you all you need to known

I know, not sure what lesson I am to be taught but it didn't feel nice to be told that.

On the other hand maybe it wasn't nice for him to feel accused of something if it was as innocent as he says.

Even if it didn't feel nice for him to be asked , his reaction was excessive. I don't think that is in much doubt to be honest. Like a pp said, the only other time you remember him being like this was when he was caught out in a lie. Would he have reacted in this way if everything was as he had said, and he had absolutely nothing to hide?

What was the book?

If it's " Profit margins for new Sales Managers", maybe it's genuinely helping a colleague along.

On the other hand maybe it wasn't nice for him to feel accused of something if it was as innocent as he says.

This sounds like textbook denial. What’s your gut telling you? It’s not that you’ve been unreasonable, is it?

Don’t make the mistake of believing that staying with him - while all this stuff likes up under the rug as fast as you can sweep it under there - will be easier and less stressful than finding everything out. It won’t be. It’ll be awful. You’ll have a constant nagging feeling of doubt. Constant. Even just seeing his phone will set you off.

He’ll become distant, aloof and uninvolved.

You’ll find yourself sucking up to him just to try to improve his mood. You’ll be watching his reaction to everything. You’ll be a shadow of the woman you used to be. You won’t recognise or even like yourself. Years will go by, nothing will change, you’ll stop making any progress on your goals or dreams, more years will go by.

Just have it out! Bring it to a head. Fuck him. If he didn’t want this to happen, he shouldn’t have brought presents for a pretty woman, should he? Or at least not before he’d checked which Amazon account he was signed into, the idiot.

I was going to post that it was probably nothing, but his reaction has changed my mind. That’s the kind of shit my ExW came out with and each time there was something going on. I’d spot it a mile off now.

I’m sorry, no practical advice other than you’re not wrong to be concerned

His reaction says it all and the way he speaks to you is disturbing and disgusting. Hope your ok.

I think knowing what the book was would put some perspective on it, however,his reaction is very telling. My gut would be that he is interested in her and flirting with her etc. Maybe nothing has happened yet, but he wants it to. You can't control him or his reactions, but you can best plan what you can do next.

If he was having an affair what would you want to happen?

On the other hand maybe it wasn't nice for him to feel accused of something if it was as innocent as he says.

If it wasn't nice for him because he was innocent, why would he not put an end to his uncomfortable feelings asap by showing you his phone to prove that? Why would he go straight to the nuclear option of threatening divorce, bypassing every possible reasonable reaction in the process?