First time mum.. relationship in trouble

[cakesandcookies89]

Hi mumsnetters,

I'm hoping someone can offer some advice as I've got myself in a bit of a pickle.

Long story short I had my first baby (rainbow baby) who is now 1 year old. He is the love of my life. We've had a few problems with him eating and putting on weight etc &are under a pediatrician and a dietician.
I lost my nana who I was really close to but on top of this my DP finally admitted to how much debt he is in. I knew there was some. It's now around the figure of £50k.. makes me feel physically sick to my stomach as I'm a saver. I'm working part -time as we cannot afford to pay for nursery. I am a primary teacher but I also have my own tuition buisness, I teach approx another 15 hours per week evenings and weekends trying to juggle LO. Dp does nothing around the house when not at work, he just sits on the sofa.. he gets cross with lo when struggling to eat and barely speaks to me. I've tried to suggest counselling as I know he is depressed. We have gone from being the most in love couple to someone I don't recognise myself included. Its turning me into someone I'm not.. I'm miserable and tearful. I'm due to change schools at Easter to a school more local to us a good 45 minutes from my mum who is our childcare and I can't help but feel I've made a mistake. I'm currently sat on the sofa in silence as kit stares at an ipad. While I work at the weekends and he has LO he just sticks the tv on & can't be bothered to play. I love him but I just feel so unhappy :( I also have crohns disease but even when I'm ill I just have to keep going :/

I should have said I juggle the extra hours to keep us afloat or we wouldn't be able to pay for a good shop as he has to pay over £1200 in debt each month. I really feel for him but its dragging me and lo down too x

Does he have any assets? Ie do you own a house together? If not, the quickest and easiest way of him getting back onto an even keel MIGHT be declaring himself bankrupt. What do the debts relate to?

Regardless for gods sake do NOT bail him out. sounds like he barely pulls his weight I'm not surprised you're unhappy. I wouldn't be able to put up with that. Make sure you keep your savings for a rainy day for the benefit of yourself and your child.

Hi OP
Sorry you are in a tough situation. How did you find out about the debt? How did he get into that much debt? That will be sorted out eventually as long as he can stick to the payment plan and not add to it.

What is the root of the problem? That he is not patient and making an effort when looking after LO? So you feel you are shouldering all of the responsibility?

Thank you for replying to me! I knew about some of it but it all came out when renewing our mortgage. It's now a lot higher! We have a house together but I put the deposit in with my parents help. He has no car uses the work car. I have a car that I pay for monthly and the petrol. He doesn't contribute but uses it. My parents helped with some and so have I. He is paying it off then I find out he as credit with Very and keeps buying. I buy everything for LO and do everything.. he can't even take out the bin anymore.. When I'm not feeling well and my crohns is flaring I need some support but just feel like I'm drowning. I drove back from a walk with lo and had a good blub!

He sounds useless! What keeps you with him? I hat on earth do you love about him? He’s seriously in debt and is nothing to stop that, he does nothing with your baby and nothing around the house. What a catch.

Get him to contact a debt charity like Stepchange or something. That's a lot of cash to be parting with each month, especially if finances are tight to begin with. Even if bankruptcy isn't the answer, they could help him come up with some kind of payment plan that doesn't financially drain you every month.

Although that doesn't address his attitude at all - whether he's like this due to the debt is something I can't obviously tell. If the pressure of debt is causing it then it could ease things. If not, then he needs a sharp wake up call, because you cannot be expected to juggle everything while he just sits back and does nothing, especially with his own DC. It's not on.

We contacted stepchange but their advice was bankruptcy we would lose our house and they could take some of my savings too which I need to keep hold of for lo. I feel like an idiot as I cannot work out what to do :(

Are you married? I didn't think it could affect a partner unless you were married? I could be completely wrong of course!

The house is a different matter of course. Is he on the mortgage? Could you afford it by yourself?

You aren't an idiot - he's the one who has put you in this situation!

Quite honestly, with his shitty behaviour I'd be leaving him to deal with it himself, but I understand if you want to try and sort something out before jumping in the deep end.

@cakesandcookies89

We contacted stepchange but their advice was bankruptcy we would lose our house and they could take some of my savings too which I need to keep hold of for lo. I feel like an idiot as I cannot work out what to do :(

Unfortunately people normally get into debt in the first place by living beyond their means. Since you've chosen to attach yourself to him and own a home with him, it makes no sense for people to be owed money when you have savings that should be going towards the money they are owed. Since you're unmarried perhaps it's possible to remove your name from the house so that you're then not legally tied to his debts which he hid from you? Something to ask citizens advice bureau.

Either way I would start accepting that you're most likely have to lose your home because at the end of the day, these people/companies rightfully need to be paid. It's not the end of the world as you can go into renting which is what a lot of people are doing anyway. You won't be homeless but be proactive and look after yourself. Beware that people like him can get into debt again and hide it so you need to be VERY careful and take control of finances from now on.

Also make HIM take responsibility for it and deal with his debts. Dont be a doormat.

I went part-time after lo was born and even with my tuition it wouldn't cover everything. My mum and dad are great but the have already helped so much in so many ways. I've just tried to talk to him but he didnt say a word. I know he is miserable but its dragging us down with him. Step change said as we have lived together and are joint mortgage owners they can take up to 1/2. I think I need some legal advice. What a mess :(

You aren't married. Are you tenants in common? Can you buy him out?

You need to get rid of him. He may be the love of your life but he treats you and you child like shit so you're certainly not his. He's not trying to sort his debt, he's just getting deeper wind deeper into it because he knows you and the bank of mum and dad will sort it.

Leave him, put the house on the market, cut your losses. This is only going to get worse.

If he isn't even willing to talk about it, I'd be thinking heavily about making your own plans for you and your DC. The fact that he's created the issue and isn't willing not discuss a solution, while you're the one struggling with the emotional burden of it all, plus doing everything with DC and at home says a lot about him as a person.

He's created a distressing situation and is leaving you to flounder. I'd look at legal help, but for yourself.

@cakesandcookies89

We contacted stepchange but their advice was bankruptcy we would lose our house and they could take some of my savings too which I need to keep hold of for lo. I feel like an idiot as I cannot work out what to do :(

Unfortunately if the house is in joint names bankruptcy is not the way forward unless you can afford to buy him out (money would be paid to his trustee in bankruptcy who would then pay to creditors).

Did you protect your deposit when buying the house?

If you're the one paying the mortgage keep a clear record. Perhaps even something in writing from him now as evidence just in case for the future. You might want to seek advice from an insolvency lawyer.

As for savings don't keep money in a joint account just in case.

OP,

You are utterly being dragged down by a lazy, debt ridden waster.

You need to give your head a shake and start being practical.

You need good legal advice.

Did you have the sense to protect your deposit?
Can you get him to sign a retrospective document regarding the deposit.
Can you get proof your parents gave you this money?

50,000 in debt is unbelievable.

If you were my daughter I would be advising you to get away from him.

His debt is huge.
He is lazy.
He feels sorry for him.

Stop sacrificing your life on the alter of his fxck ups.
You have one life.
Start valuing it.

You need to see if you can move in with your parents.

Protect your assets in the house.
Sell the house.

Split up.
Move on.
Look after your health.

The alternative is a clusterfxxk of a life of debt, stress and bad health.

All for a waster who lied to you about 50,000 of debt.

You owe him NOTHING.

NOTHING.

Why isn't he working ? And if he isn't working why does your mum need to do child care ?

Sorry if I’ve missed it, OP, but are you married? If not, I don’t see how your savings could be at risk. I understand re the house in that his share in the house will be an asset which can be sold and put towards his debts. Unfortunately that involves your share of the house being sold too. Have you spoken to Citizens Advice Bureau?

Exactly what @billy1966 says. You need to end this relationship - he will drag you down and drive you mad and then it'll end anyway because he will think you are nagging him.

You can still stay on friendly terms, but live separately.

How on the earth did he rack up £50k debts? Was this before you met or after? I can't see how they can touch your personal savings if the debt is in his name only.
What is the equity in the house? Would it help to wipe the slate clean and start again, together or apart?
Why is the job change a mistake? Surely you'd thought of child care before all this? Or is it just the uncertainty of change when all this is going on?
So sorry you are going through this.

For heaven's sake leave him as fast as you can. Dissociate from him, his debts and his lazy-arse ways. You'll have enough to do raising a child - you can't carry him as well.

Sounds to me like you're ambitious, sensible and a caring person, though a bit naive. Am sorry you are going through this, it can't be easy, especially as you're not very well. It's not going to get better with him. If he were trying to make it work, maybe....but he's not even trying. I would 1) seek legal advice 2) sell the house 3) tell him it's over.
Yes, it's sad, but this is not going to get better.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Do yourself a favour and disentangle yourself from this deadweight.

You're not married

How is this debt yours?

Is there any way you can raise the funds to buy him out & cut him loose?

This is you & your baby's future

He sounds like a deadweight - what is he actually good for?

I would seek financial advice but as you aren't married you're in a better position to get the debts out of your name.

DO NOT PAY OFF HIS DEBT USING YOUR MONEY!

If you're not married, I don't think you do have liability for your partner's debt unless some of it's in your name? I don't think his creditors can claim your savings, that sounds wrong? Maybe it's the house.

Too late to change your mind about moving jobs?

He sounds depressed, you’re exhausted, no wonder you’re miserable.

The laziness - being charitable - is likely down to depression, but either way your problem is you’re effectively on your own whether he’s living with you or not.

You can’t fix him or help him, you’ve got enough to do and he has to want to help himself.

Maybe it would be best for you to split up, sell the house and go your separate ways. I’ve no idea if that would then protect your money from any subsequent bankruptcy on his part - maybe ask a solicitor?

If he can get himself sorted out further down the line maybe there could be a future for you as a family, but I can’t see how you can carry on as you are for now.