First time mum.. relationship in trouble

[cakesandcookies89]

Hi mumsnetters,

I'm hoping someone can offer some advice as I've got myself in a bit of a pickle.

Long story short I had my first baby (rainbow baby) who is now 1 year old. He is the love of my life. We've had a few problems with him eating and putting on weight etc &are under a pediatrician and a dietician.
I lost my nana who I was really close to but on top of this my DP finally admitted to how much debt he is in. I knew there was some. It's now around the figure of £50k.. makes me feel physically sick to my stomach as I'm a saver. I'm working part -time as we cannot afford to pay for nursery. I am a primary teacher but I also have my own tuition buisness, I teach approx another 15 hours per week evenings and weekends trying to juggle LO. Dp does nothing around the house when not at work, he just sits on the sofa.. he gets cross with lo when struggling to eat and barely speaks to me. I've tried to suggest counselling as I know he is depressed. We have gone from being the most in love couple to someone I don't recognise myself included. Its turning me into someone I'm not.. I'm miserable and tearful. I'm due to change schools at Easter to a school more local to us a good 45 minutes from my mum who is our childcare and I can't help but feel I've made a mistake. I'm currently sat on the sofa in silence as kit stares at an ipad. While I work at the weekends and he has LO he just sticks the tv on & can't be bothered to play. I love him but I just feel so unhappy :( I also have crohns disease but even when I'm ill I just have to keep going :/

[Christmasfairy2020]

IVA?

[AllosaurusMum]

If you are interested in salvaging the relationship at all I’d insist he contact his doctor to be screened and/or treated for depression as a first step. Counseling would be good too. Reckless spending is often an issue with depression and anxiety. Also since you’re already doing the bulk of childcare he would need to get a part time job to pay down the debt, start with the pay day loans. If he starts becoming more the man he used to be after starting treatment then you can decide how to move forward together, if not then you might be in a better place to end things and buy him out so you keep your home. Couples counseling is a must if you do stay, eventually after at least 6 month of individual counseling for him, to deal with the trust and lying issues.

[CatherineofOnandon]

@Lolapusht and the remaining £25k ?

[Cakeandcookies]

@Lolapusht and @category12
Thank you so much for your advice. I'm sorry you've ended up getting the point across for me!
As I said I knew about 7k at the beginning and from this weekends conversation more.. holidays, car, a tenancy agreement he had to pay for when the ex left.. then some online gambling.. gaming of some sort that cost him dearly. He has mentioned payday loans. I've never had one and after reading about them.. the interest is insane 600%..
I will still have a future it just may look slightly different. As long as my little lo is happy and healthy that is the most important thing.
@CatherineofOnandon I have not changed my name it is cakes and cookies. I have also not been able to respond to the post as often due to trying to sort out this mess. But I thank you for your time.

[Lolapusht]

@CatherineofOnandon he doesn’t need a magic money tree, he just needs to not chainsaw down the tree they have and burn it for logs. The DP doesn’t need to pick up the slack, he just needs to not get into debt.

OP...sorry for the derail (well tangential arguing!). He gambled £6k on online football, is that right? Over what timeframe, cos that’s a pretty serious problem. That would be a total deal breaker for me especially if he had existing debt that he was adding to by gambling. Sounds like he ran up a shitload of debt having a lovely time then completely ignored it other than to add to it. Problem is that his ex had a lovely £10k holiday (wow!!) and you get the downside of him still not having paid it off. You can still raise your family by the sea but it might just be you and DC depending on what DP does next. Good luck x

[CatherineofOnandon]

@category12
Yes, of course women can. But if you're in a partnership, it should be a partnership and you pick up the slack for each other, or what's the bloody point? If you decide to have children together, the bloke should be as responsible for saving towards any drop in income as a team, and if he's not taking up 50% of the responsibility for childcare, he should be compensating for the woman picking up his share. Why is it on the woman to plan, as if he has no responsibility?

Because the DP has no financial means to pick up any slack. He is on a single wage that cannot solely support a DP and child. He has no magic money tree!

[CatherineofOnandon]

@lucie8881 Op has had so many name changes hard to keep up!

From what i can see now from new posts Op was aware of DP's £23k debt. So , now we only have £25k of joint accrued debt to account for.

What can OP drip feed to explain that away?

[category12]

OP, sounds like a good plan to know your options.

What you say about how he's explaining the debt doesn't really seem to fit the sheer amount of debt he has. He's been incredibly foolish if it's payday loans, and if he has been online gambling, I would be very suspicious that that is where it's gone.

[category12]

[quote CatherineofOnandon]@category12 not at all. I am saying women can plan and financially support their children . They do not need to be reliant on men. Many of us have had careers and raised children alone and been financially successful.
[/quote]
Yes, of course women can. But if you're in a partnership, it should be a partnership and you pick up the slack for each other, or what's the bloody point? If you decide to have children together, the bloke should be as responsible for saving towards any drop in income as a team, and if he's not taking up 50% of the responsibility for childcare, he should be compensating for the woman picking up his share. Why is it on the woman to plan, as if he has no responsibility?

[lucie8881]

[quote CatherineofOnandon]"**@lucie888* @MondayYogurt*
a car then some online gaming to make money,
This is a red flag for me."

Op has not /never said this ! Where has this come from? Bullshiz!

@category12 that's what i have said. Joint responsibility! [/quote]
It was a quote from one of the OPs replies?? He admitted to previously online gaming to raise funds

[CatherineofOnandon]

@category12 not at all. I am saying women can plan and financially support their children . They do not need to be reliant on men. Many of us have had careers and raised children alone and been financially successful.

[Cakeandcookies]

@category12 honestly I don't know i just feel very upset atm and feel like somehow I need some space aside feel incredibly trapped atm, covid hasn't helped having first baby. I have parents evening this week but my mum has offered to take lo at the weekend so we can have a proper discussion. However, I have arranged an appointment with our mortgage advisor to go over options if I was to go it alone so I know what all of my options are :)

[category12]

Hi OP, what are you planning to do, from here?

[category12]

It's not, Catherineofonandon, What you're saying the woman should take the hit of of being pregnant, maternity and childcare and still support herself, while the bloke just ejaculates and carries on without compensating for her losses. Given women usually take the lion's share of childcare, (and in this case the bloke doesn't lift a finger), that's a shitty deal for women.

[Cakeandcookies]

Hi ladies, I'm sorry I've been a bit quiet there has been a lot going on.
I appreciate every single one of you for contributing and making me see things through fresh eyes.
So DP and I had a discussion on Saturday night.. as I said when we met I was aware of £7k.. it turns out when we met there was a lot more & he ,'thought he had a handle on it's.
£7 car.. £10k taking ex gf to Florida when they were 22. Football online £6k.. some mumbles about payday loans.. but its racking up.
Just to clarify when I was on mat leave, as I am a teacher I get a relatively good maternity package for the first 6 months.. 1 month full pay, 2 weeks 90% 12 weeks 50% + smp then the remainder smp. Yes he did buy a few extra baby bits like different bottles but nothing that should have financially stretched him.. he couldn't make his loan repayments despite me then at this time putting even more into the house.
I know he isn't a bad person but he didn't tell me the truth as in his words he would have lost me and what we had was so good. It was but now I feel like it's a mess. I've tried to be calm and talk through options but he said he doesn't want to sell but I need some breathing space. I'm also in the process of completing my baby massage training so essentially I will have 3 jobs.. I just feel so sad and upset. Mothers day was not what I had hoped for.. being yelled at.. I got some flowers but he said he couldn't get a take away or anything or cook as he had no money yet tonight comes in with a KFC.. I just feel very sad :( Luckily, I have saved. It's a shame that my dream of 2 or 3 children.. living by the sea and growing old with dp is just that now.. a dream. I know how lucky I am to have lo though.. :)

[CatherineofOnandon]

"@lucie888 @MondayYogurt
a car then some online gaming to make money,
This is a red flag for me."

Op has not /never said this ! Where has this come from? Bullshiz!

@category12 that's what i have said. Joint responsibility!

[category12]

@CatherineofOnandon

The point of being in a relationship is having someone on your side, on your team. We call them partners. What's the point of being in a relationship at all if you're expected to be entirely self-sufficient throughout, no matter what? So if one of the partnership loses their job through no fault of their own, or suffers a life-changing injury, or whatever life throws at them, they have someone who has their back who will support them - otherwise it's just fuck you, I'll watch you my darling, my beloved, struggle financially and practically while I'm alright jack, is it?

We're talking about a couple raising a child together - both of them have a responsibility to the child. They're supposed to be in it together.

[CatherineofOnandon]

"@Lolapusht you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of money worries. Do you want to get to retirement age to discover you have nothing to live on? Do you want to get to a point when you total up how much has been spent repaying his debts and realising you could have paid for your daughter to get through uni/set up a business/by a house? He is choosing to todo all of this which is just plain selfish as you and DD don’t get a say. He’s risking making his DD homeless because he won’t do something about it"


This is why women should fully support them selves, have pension provision and work to afford their own and their children's opportunities.

This is why women should put in place their own pension provision. If you stayed at home " growing and nurturing " children at the expense of you. You are to blame for on yr own lack of opportunity, pension provision and financial security. You are putting OP's future in her DP's financial mismanagement. Op can and should manage her own financial affairs.

[lucie8881]

@MondayYogurt

a car then some online gaming to make money,

This is a red flag for me. Are you sure he's not gambling it away?

This was my thought on reading this too ....

[Pokske]

You say he's depressed - I think he's just lazy.
I've known men like this, the act depressed so that you leave them alone, so they can play on their phones/watch television/whatever in peace. Whenever you do something he's not pleased about, he can comment on you. You can't ever say he does something wrong because he does not do anything.
And for the debts: he's apparently not been open about what it all amounts to. You're working your a*s off and he's overspending.
If I were you, I'd be looking for the exit and chase his lazy bones through it.
Good luck !

[CatherineofOnandon]

@Lolapusht yes fine lovely. Your "hun" response shows you have nothing more to add at this time.

I suspect you are waiting for the OP to come back with dp has gambling/ drug/Xbox gold / habit/ is a bad father/ mum can't afford to stay at home as he over spends shiz. Then you can rip into me.

[Lolapusht]

@CatherineofOnandon you ok hun? X

[CatherineofOnandon]

"@Lolapusht OP was on maternity! She started working again with an 8 week old baby to help the family finances. He has obviously increased his debt while she has been on maternity instead of reducing spending due to decreased income because his partner was, yi know, growing and nurturing their child. She also used her savings to supplement their income. From your posts, you seem to want the OP to not only provide for the family (maybe she could take on a 3rd job?!), she also has to do childcare, housework AND provide unflinching support for her DP because he’s depressed that he’s gotten himself into so much debt. WTF?!
OP, how long did it take him to run up £50k? "

You have totally misunderstood my point. I see OP was working but , if it was a few hrs a day while on maternity, that huge deficit in pay could have impacted family finances greatly. Maybe being on maternity , "yi know" , increased expenditure as baby needed stuff. In my experience " growing and nurturing children " cost money . I have had 2 , now grown so i know just exactly how much.

The amount of debt that has been accrued while op and her partner have been together is £43k not £50k. £7k is inherited debt before OP met partner but was aware of. I did ask OP what this joint £43k has been spent on but no clarification.

I wonder if OP's DP has been trying to feed and house his family on effectively one low wage .. "yi know" while OP has been at home for 8 mths, " growing and nurturing children" and working less hrs. It would be helpful if OP could clarify exactly what that £43k debt is made of, baby stuff, food, cot and pram, baby clothes, household repairs, replacement appliances, take aways, car maintenance, boiler service, frozen pipes, leaks, plumbing, ? Sick cat. Who knows. That shiz all got to be paid for by someone, while we are growing add nurturing children !

We all grow and nurture children children but them bills still need to be paid!!!!! How has this £43k been amassed?

Until we know for sure how this debt has been accrued, we cannot judge the OP's DP.

" (maybe she could take on a 3rd job?!), she also has to do childcare, housework AND provide unflinching support for her DP because he’s depressed that he’s gotten himself into so much debt. WTF?!"

Yes, because that is what lots of other people do in this similar debt situation and make ends meet. "yi know"!

This is the man that OP chose and this is the man that OP has had a child with. Op working and using savings does not say she covered half of all household expenses, food and additional baby expenses. Big difference.

Op's DP has accrued £43k of debt while with the Op. This is almost 7 times the amount of debt he had before he was with and entered into a relationship with Op. If he has spent it on wine, women, song, gambling and Xbox then fine, leave.

Until OP comes back we don't know. Leave him and walk away advice... not great advice if OP and birth of child has been a contributory factor to his debt accumulation and mental health deterioration.

Until OP confirms what this money ( £43k ) has been spent on, we cannot say.

@Lolapusht growing and nurturing children is admirable, but you have to be able to afford it. To suggest the OP's DP should have reduced his spending is ridiculous. A new baby and a partner on maternity/ reduced hrs would have significantly increased his spending. Hopefully Op will come back and conform what that money was spent on.

[MondayYogurt]

a car then some online gaming to make money,

This is a red flag for me. Are you sure he's not gambling it away?

[Treetops73]

Some really good advice here OP, which I hope you follow. You MUST protect your and your DC’s financial (and emotional) future.

Your partner has a history of financial irresponsibility and cannot make good decisions around money. I agree with PP that you are now enabling him so you need to stop. Disentangle yourself from him and from this mess, and focus on you and your child. Yes your partner may be depressed, but he is a grown man and needs to take action to get better. You can’t do it for him. The depression may be absolutely real, but it shouldn’t stop him pulling his weight with childcare and around the house.

You sound sensible and strong. Don’t let this man drag you down. 💐