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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

First time mum.. relationship in trouble

90 replies

cakesandcookies89 · 08/03/2021 20:53

Hi mumsnetters,

I'm hoping someone can offer some advice as I've got myself in a bit of a pickle.

Long story short I had my first baby (rainbow baby) who is now 1 year old. He is the love of my life. We've had a few problems with him eating and putting on weight etc &are under a pediatrician and a dietician.
I lost my nana who I was really close to but on top of this my DP finally admitted to how much debt he is in. I knew there was some. It's now around the figure of £50k.. makes me feel physically sick to my stomach as I'm a saver. I'm working part -time as we cannot afford to pay for nursery. I am a primary teacher but I also have my own tuition buisness, I teach approx another 15 hours per week evenings and weekends trying to juggle LO. Dp does nothing around the house when not at work, he just sits on the sofa.. he gets cross with lo when struggling to eat and barely speaks to me. I've tried to suggest counselling as I know he is depressed. We have gone from being the most in love couple to someone I don't recognise myself included. Its turning me into someone I'm not.. I'm miserable and tearful. I'm due to change schools at Easter to a school more local to us a good 45 minutes from my mum who is our childcare and I can't help but feel I've made a mistake. I'm currently sat on the sofa in silence as kit stares at an ipad. While I work at the weekends and he has LO he just sticks the tv on & can't be bothered to play. I love him but I just feel so unhappy :( I also have crohns disease but even when I'm ill I just have to keep going :/

OP posts:
LouHotel · 09/03/2021 07:13

You need to leave as quickly as possible. There is no coming back from this, he sounds like a useless partner even without the debt.

He won't be able to support a mortgage on his own so this will be a force sale. Is your deposit protected? If its not protected I would actually try to make a deal with him that if he doest go for your deposit then you won't pursue cms for x number of years.

Is there room for you to live with your parents for maybe a year? If your mum was willing to do childcare then living with them and then commuting 45 minutes could then be an option if its only a couple times a week.

sunflowersaremyfav93 · 09/03/2021 07:29

Hi OP,

Really sorry to hear this and I'm sure it's not nice hearing other MNers calling the father of your child all kinds of nasty names either, regardless of what people think it's not nice to read.

That does sound very tricky and as other posters have said the finance is one issue and the reluctance to support you is a totally separate issue.

With the finances, has he spoken to his bank to consolidate all debts? It is a lot of money to be parting with a month but it's got to be paid somehow hasn't it? I think with that if it were my partner I would support him emotionally, as long as he's stopped racking up more debt then he is doing something to fix the issue? It probably makes him feel quite crap as well, does he speak to you about it?

With the other issue, I would be really angry and probably on the verge of leaving but you're obviously still with him for a reason and everything can be fixed of both of you want to fix things.
First of all have you had a very serious conversation about the consequences if he doesn't fix up? I.e. you are seriously considering leaving/kicking him out.
Does he/ do you have a good relationship with his parents? Maybe you need to bring somebody else into it to give him a proper talking to?
I agree you can't spend the rest of your life mothering him and loving with somebody who doesn't help.
If you think the relationship is worth saving and you want to spend your life with this person then I think things can be fixed.

Good luck.
Xx

Cakeandcookies · 09/03/2021 07:36

Thank you everyone for your replies. We are not married and my mum got us an agreement to protect the deposit as she works in legal (not a solicitor though). He earns a good wage about £2300 take home.. £1200 of that is debt.. £900 into the house and the rest on a Very account/ rubbish. I can fully see he is depressed anyone would be. I knew about some of it before we met, he was left with a tenancy agreement when a relationship folded & they leaves well beyond their means. I love him but feel trapped and like I'm paying for his past not out future with lo. He was a rainbow baby so is so special to me. The thought of s sibling is now a dot on the horizon :( sadly I cannot buy him out pay for the mortgage alone.

category12 · 09/03/2021 07:43

Hang on, so you're working like crazy to keep afloat and he's sitting around still pissing money on Very?

And he's got a long history of living beyond his means.

Get some financial advice on your own about what's best for you and dc. And do that. Don't let him drag you down with him.

rulerbirds · 09/03/2021 07:46

Are you married OP? The advice changes depending on that fact. If you’re not then I think you should move to your mums and set yourself up there. He will have to declare bankruptcy.

rulerbirds · 09/03/2021 07:53

How has he got into so much debt?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2021 07:55

If you remain with him you and in turn your child will be further dragged down with him. He is a millstone around your neck as well as someone who has lived beyond their means for many years.

You may well love this man but what is there to love about him?. He is no help to you and actively refuses to talk to you about his debt burden. Are you only with him now because of your child?.

rulerbirds · 09/03/2021 08:00

Ok I just read your update. I can’t see how a leftover tenancy would put him in 50k debt. At the maximum a tenancy would run for 12 months. He earns 2300 a month. That should have covered the rent. The numbers don’t add up. He’s not being honest or reliable. He’s spending is out of control. You have to separate from him until he’s sorted himself out. Go live with your mum until you can figure it all out. You need help. You can’t do all of this with a baby. Get back your job near your mum? Use her for the free childcare. Look into universal credit. Work out what you would get if you were a single person. Can you cover the mortgage and bills? The other option is sell the house and stay with your mum for a couple of years until you’re back on your feet. He needs to take out an IVA but you must be separated before he does that so they can’t touch your savings. Move to mum, get universal credit and single person benefits. Ring fence your savings. You have to protect yourself now. He can still be a dad but you’re throwing away your future on his debt. There’s no way he should have brought a house and had a baby. I’m surprised this didn’t come up when you applied for the mortgage? All debts have to be declared.

YukoandHiro · 09/03/2021 08:04

agree to the poster above

ScarfaceCwaw · 09/03/2021 08:05

Just get out now, as fast as you can. He has nothing to offer you but debt and self absorption.

If you can handle the mortgage yourself and you put down the deposit, look at what it would take to get it in your name.

LouHotel · 09/03/2021 08:30

Op very is the store card you know about. They'll be more.

Cakeandcookies · 09/03/2021 09:01

This all started about 10 years ago as he was getting a lot less in terms of wages more like £1300 so I can see why it was a struggle. Something about a car and payday loans which is the nail on the coffin so to speak. He is paying them off and I know its would destroying when all your wages go on bills.. think it would be different if he was fab with lo and did lots when he was here.. but be doesn't..

StarsonaString · 09/03/2021 09:40

You need to leave as quickly as possible. Thank goodness you protected the deposit. You will take a financial hit and almost certainly have to sell the house but this is cutting your losses. The longer you stay, the more you will lose.

Can you afford to buy a smaller place for you and LO? You can always trade up in a few years when DC is at school and you can work more hours. Can you stay with your parents? Even renting would be better and you may get some support if you rent.

This is his fault not yours. It would be different if he was working more and living frugally to get out of debt asap. It would be different if he put aside some money for the baby over Very. It would be different if he was an engaged father who shared the parenting and household load. But it isn't. He can only drag you down OP.

Dery · 09/03/2021 09:53

@cakesandcookies89 - please listen to @rulerbirds. You need to detach yourself from him and start building finances for your and your LO’s future. Otherwise he will drag you down. He may be able to get to a good place debt-wise and then you may be able to reunite but you can’t continue to carry him as you currently are doing. To get to a good place debt-wise, he’s going to need a proper plan. You can’t do this informally when his debt problem is so serious.

It’s great you’re not married. If you’re not married, I see no reason why your savings could be vulnerable but the house will probably need to be sold to release his share of the equity.

Dery · 09/03/2021 09:59

@StarsonaString has put it brilliantly as well.

Babdoc · 09/03/2021 10:06

OP, by staying with him, you are enabling and encouraging him in his destructive behaviour. He will never stop buying rubbish on store cards etc while you are there to fund his lifestyle, do the household chores and all the childcare.
Think of it as tough love. By leaving him, you will force him to address his problems. He is an adult - it’s up to him to see his GP and get treatment for his depression, it’s up to him to manage his finances and cut up his Very card etc. But he won’t have any incentive while you allow him to slob on the sofa feeling sorry for himself.

Please protect yourself and your child from the consequences of this man’s poor life management. All this stress will cause your Crohn’s to flare up, quite apart from the strain on your own mental health and well-being.
Please discuss it with a) your parents and b) a solicitor, and take control of your life. Good luck.

billy1966 · 09/03/2021 10:13

OP,

You have a child to think about.

He knew he had massive debt and still bought a house with you, therefore deliberately entangling you in his debt ridden shit show.

He is utterly dishonest.
Utterly.

What a disgusting excuse of a man.

I don't mean to be harsh but you really need to cop on and get away from him.

Your baby deserves better than a mother tied to a lazy waster, who has taken on his debt.

You have no future with him.
Just debt endlessly on the horizon.

Get away.
You do not have the luxury of romantic love.
He is drowning in debt of his own making and he's prepared to take you and your baby with him.

He is disgusting to have agreed to buy a house with 50,000 debt.

Disgusting.

Flowers
SortingItOut · 09/03/2021 11:16

Whatever you do, do not let him go bankrupt or get an IVA while you own a house together as your home is at risk wirh both options.

There are ways of managing his debt that are not bankruptcy or IVA but they will affect his credit rating and potentially hours as well.

I can explain the ins and outs if you are planning to stay.

Have a think about what you want in an ideal world and whether he can give you this and then plan from there.

If you want more advice on debts let me know and I'll do another post.

As a warning debts with people who have depression rarely get better.

My husband (now ex) went from a £500 credit card balance to £25k of debt - the minimum payments swallowed most of his income so I kept the household afloat.
I helped him reduce his payments so he had money for household bills and to help his depression, he couldnt get mainstream credit after that and despite promising no more debt he then used less mainstream ways and was always in unauthorised overdraft.

When we split 3 years ago he had £23k of debt all on tiny payments and within a year he had racked up another £10k because over the years his credit rating had improved so he could get mainstream credit again.

He buys to make himself feel better and because he wants nice things, he has never learnt to budget, he's now in his 40's and I doubt he ever will.

This is your life in the future, why should you be working extra to keep him housed and fed while his money goes on debts.
Why cant he get a weekend job?
You are enabling him to be reckless with money by subsidising him, if he lived on his own he would have to do something about the debt.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 09/03/2021 13:20

This happened to me and I lost everything.

Get your own financial advice and get away from him.

harknesswitch · 09/03/2021 14:54

Rather than step change, speak to your creditors yourselves.

You can agree a monthly payment plan, even if it's just £1 a month if that's all you can afford.

I was in a financial mess about 10 years ago and did this. My debt payments went from nearly a £1000 a month, to just £2. Only as and when I could afford to, did I up the payments. It took me 10 years but I did it. It wrecked my credit rating but that was far better than losing my house by going bankrupt

CatherineofOnandon · 09/03/2021 17:13

Op how has this £50k debt been amassed? How long have you and DP been together?

CatherineofOnandon · 09/03/2021 17:23

If you jointly own yr hse, any outstanding credit would have been declared ,at application stage, when applying for joint mortgage. They then do credit checks to make sure no hidden undisclosed credit. You would have had visibility then, when going through affordability checks etc?

What has yr DP spent this money on? How has yr DP accrued so much debt?

DianaT1969 · 09/03/2021 18:36

He should declare himself bankrupt asap. He is never going to pay off such a high debt. I am concerned about his MH if he loses you and his home. If I were you, I'd get legal advice, detach yourself financially, keep telling him to get help for his depression. A house isn't a home if you are drowning in debt.

Cakeandcookies · 09/03/2021 19:14

Thank you so much everyone. We have been together 4 years. We purchased our home 2 years ago and lo was born a year ago. It has got out of control since lo was born and I was maternity. I had to start tutoring at 8 weeks post birth was a nightmare as I had a section and internal bleeding. A lot of it was previous then he got 2 payday loans which were some stupid interest rate to help when I was on mat leave (I did not know this until recently) I know he is embarassed and feels guilty but he is just angry and miserable. Previous tenancy 10 years ago with a gf who lost her job then left him. He paid for holidays and everything rmse well beyond their means, a car then some online gaming to make money, some things for our house and keeping afloat when I was on mat leave. He has just told me all this as our internet & electric bill have bounced. He is a shadow of the person he once was & has lost weight. I'm angry with him but also deeply concerned. This should have been the happiest time of our life with our baby.. its been hard enough with covid and losing loved ones like it has been for everyone. Thanks everyone :)

CatherineofOnandon · 09/03/2021 19:15

"@DianaT1969 He should declare himself bankrupt asap. He is never going to pay off such a high debt. I am concerned about his MH if he loses you and his home. If I were you, I'd get legal advice, detach yourself financially, keep telling him to get help for his depression. A house isn't a home if you are drowning in debt".

Well hang on, lets understand first why OP's DH has got into such debt.