I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

[Therewere5inthebed]

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

@Alondra

As to those who in 2021 still think men don't respect women who have sex with them on the first date...

Fuck you!

You are as prejudiced and misogynist as men sexually viewing women as chattel.

Absolutely!!!

Women have spent centuries being slut shamed by men, how can it be possibly be ok for other women to be doing the same to their own in 2021?!!

Hang your heads in shame and start fighting for other women, not putting them down!

One tip for the next time you date. Don't text him to thank him. What are you thanking him for? He didn't take you out, or cook for you. Even if he did, don't text. When they go off to get on with their plans, don't inject yourself into those. It would put me off a man if I just said goodbye to him, went to meet other friends and he sent a text an hour later. It says that he doesn't respect my boundaries.
Others may disagree with me. But a text is similar to calling. It says you want attention.

I basically had DH naked with 10 mins of meeting him in the flesh. And I was sober but in my defense hadn't had sex for 6 years. Saved me wasting any time on bollocks sex. Very glad I did.

Perhaps shock horror he wanted to focus on them rather than his mobile phone.

Sending a quick "I had a great time too, speak later when I'm home" is really really not a big ask. I bet if he was out with his kids before they had sex he'd have found the time to send something similar.

He hasn't got the best manners at any rate.

@GreenlandTheMovie

He hasn't got the best manners at any rate.

Hasn't he? Did you miss the reply she received? Sounded very polite and decent.

Some people on here sound like they'd be bloody hard work in a relationship

The OP had to prompt him for a reply, didn't she?

Why so grateful for a text message?

Maybe some people have slightly higher standards of how they expect others to treat them than others?

Tinder is not just for men looking for sex. Women do it too!

It is known for exactly what it is, a hook up site. The OP joined to find some male company. I doubt very much she was looking for her next life partner because if she was then she chose the wrong way to do it.

She met a guy she liked and presumably fancied. Had a few nice hours with him and then took it further. He got what he wanted out of it and is free to do this with a different woman every week if he wants.
This could have been in reverse and she wanted just a night of fun then he became a bit clingy which irritated her. What advice would she have been given, ignore him? block him?

Much ado about nothing in my view.

@GreenlandTheMovie

The OP had to prompt him for a reply, didn't she?

Why so grateful for a text message?

Maybe some people have slightly higher standards of how they expect others to treat them than others?

It's absolutely nothing to do with standards or gratitude but more to do with not being so self obsessed. I text dh and sometimes he responds immediately, sometimes he doesn't and yes, it was no different in the early days. Actually in the early days I'd expected less of an immediate response, our lives weren't intertwined, we were still getting to know each other. I knew he liked me, if he didn't reply to a message, I just carried on with my life and presumed he was busy cracking on with his!

Some people aren't sitting on their phones constantly. Some of us leave them at home, have high standards about using them in company or are just having a busy day.
I work with people who get hysterical about stuff like this, it drives me potty and I actually feel sorry for their partners. If a text is ignored they go from 0 to 100, it actually comes across as extremely controlling.

@Alondra

You are not idiot but you are very naive if you think Tinder is anything else but casual hook ups.

Learn from your mistake. You are not ready to date and delete any application for casual dates.

He's just another asshole in the dating world.

My serious advice will be to explore with a good counsellor why you seem attracted to unavailable men.

I met my husband on Tinder and we are now expecting our first child. He's the most wonderful man I've ever met.

Some people are just better at navigating the world than others.

OP sounds like hard work. Needy and clingy this early on. I'd say her date is the one who's dodged a bullet.

@toolatetofixate
My friend did the same!
She was fed up of online dating sites like match etc so went on tinder just looking for a one night stand and boom, she met the most wonderful man who's she now happily married to. He's an absolute gem, I'm so happy for her.
And she shagged him within a few hours of meeting him

I’m a bit confused. He messaged you, said he had a fantastic night & was honest with his kids about where he was ( well as far as you know) so all good. Why are you positive he was meeting someone else? And why couldn’t there be a round two? You don’t need to sleep together next time, just meet up. It could be the start of something great!

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@toolatetofixate
My friend did the same!
She was fed up of online dating sites like match etc so went on tinder just looking for a one night stand and boom, she met the most wonderful man who's she now happily married to. He's an absolute gem, I'm so happy for her.
And she shagged him within a few hours of meeting him [/quote]
😂 ditto. First date. Loved each other. Tinder cut out all the crap. All the men I spoke to were lovely and I would have happily dated a good few of them. But husband got in their first and blew the competition out the water!

@EternalOptimist7

I’m a bit confused. He messaged you, said he had a fantastic night & was honest with his kids about where he was ( well as far as you know) so all good. Why are you positive he was meeting someone else? And why couldn’t there be a round two? You don’t need to sleep together next time, just meet up. It could be the start of something great!

i agree with this. by all means if you are not ready to move on then you absolutely should take the time you need and if the guy isn't right etc of course don't pursue it but i don't see what he has done wrong?

@Eckhart

Because

Because they dont analyse every single thing to the nth degree like the majority of us women. I work in a predominantly male filled sector. They are generally very simple souls.

[quote JellyBabiesFan]@Eckhart

Because

Because they dont analyse every single thing to the nth degree like the majority of us women. I work in a predominantly male filled sector. They are generally very simple souls.[/quote]

I agree that men don't over analyse things the way women do (in general terms). And in this case it really does seem like the OP is getting her knickers in a twist over nothing while her date is whistling a merry tune and probably looking forward to a seeing her again.

@JellyBabiesFan

You work with men so you know them well enough to make generalised statements about them? Wow. They all come to work and bare their souls to you? You sound very special. I live with men so I get to do that too? Let's just settle the simple men folk, let's not bother them with anything complicated.

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, OP. Losing a parent so soon after your marriage ending must be absolutely horrific.

I don’t mean to sound critical or cruel, but I think this may be just a case of you (understandably!) not being in the right frame of mind for dating at the minute.

From the guy’s perspective, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. I think you have a very clear idea of your expectations around appropriate level of communication, and he had no way of meeting those needs because he didn’t know about them. He has no idea what you expect, so has no way of meeting your expectations.

Do you think there’s an element of setting this man up to fail? It sounds like it was all going well from your side until he didn’t text you in a timeframe you arbitrarily deemed to be appropriate.

Given what your ex-husband did to you, do you think it’s a case that you’ve set unrealistic expectations for this guy and, when he couldn’t meet them, you’ve given yourself grounds to write men off as untrustworthy?

You say you just want to feel happy, which is 100% understandable and relatable, but you’ve had a lot of trauma over the past six months so many it’s just not your time to be happy? Maybe it’s time to be sad, and angry, and full of grief and work through all of that before you tackle happiness? Happiness will come to you in time, but you’re unlikely to find it outside of yourself, your friends, or family for a little while yet.

[quote JellyBabiesFan]@Eckhart

Because

Because they dont analyse every single thing to the nth degree like the majority of us women. I work in a predominantly male filled sector. They are generally very simple souls.[/quote]
Do you not think that other people may also have experience of men, and work with men and live with men and have friends who are men, and that some people (potentially even me) could be men?

Why do you consider yourself to be an authority?

And, out of interest, what other generalisations about men and women do you have? What else do women do, except 'analyse every single to the nth degree'?

I really didn’t expect this thread to kick off as it has!

I was feeling really wobbly after having sex for the first time in about five years and the first time with someone other than my EXH for 15 years.. pure and simple!

I just wanted to get how I felt off my chest and see if I was being unreasonable in my thinking.

With hindsight I was feeling needy, I didn’t let him know how I felt, I knew it was my problem not his.

My gut feeling remains the same, something is a bit off.. but we spoke last night, I woke to a text this morning and we’re supposed to be meeting this weekend.

I’m going to step back and take stock. He is a really kind, considerate lover, good fun and the chemistry is there so will see how things pan out and take things slower.

I’m not usually needy or high maintenance, it was a result of doing something out of character for me.

Many of the replies make sense and I needed to hear them, thank you.

However the slut shamers should really crawl back under the rock that they slithered out from.

I totally get why you felt how you did. I don't think you're needy at all, just over-thinky, and god knows, lots of us do that.

What makes you think he met someone else though? That's the part I don't understand.

Take no notice of the slut shaming. I'm 50 now, and have fucked around with gay abandon every time I've been single, and would again. Good times 😂

I’m not usually needy or high maintenance, it was a result of doing something out of character for me

You are always the right amount of needy and high maintenance for you. There is no correct level. If someone makes you feel you are too 'something', you are 'too something' for them, and they are not the authority on what your personality should be.

Sometimes people are more needy than usual because of an experience they've had or a person they've spent time with. You are exactly as you are, and you don't need to change for anybody's requirements except your own.

I just wanted to say that, OP. I always want to, when somebody refers to themselves as 'needy'. Be as needy as you feel you want to be. If they don't like it, it's their problem. The right person will offer the right level of reassurance for you.

@Therewere5inthebed all the best for the weekend

@cantgetmyheadroundit

He was really clock watching on Sunday morning, but had told me that he was going home to do some DIY, something didn’t add up to me. My gut is usually right!

I have very mixed feelings with regard to the whole thing, I’m not looking for another husband, despite a sarky message from one poster, that is the bloody last thing I need but I’m not looking for hook ups either.

I just want some time to be me in a safe environment and I want to have some fun, life has been pretty joyless for the last few years and I’ve put others wants and needs way above my own for way too long.

@Eckhart

I’m not usually needy, I’ve always been told that I’m easy going and low maintenance historically so the feelings that I had were out of character for me. I know that it’s down to my EXH’s behaviour and shouldn’t carry it over but I also know that a few wobbles are natural.

As a side note we’ve just had the most wonderful conversation, he called for a chat out of the blue from work.

I'd say that he's not the right guy for you at the moment, because he's triggering your sensitive bits. It doesn't matter whether you should have the sensitive bits, or whether you think they will change over time. You need him to be triggering good feelings in you, not bad ones. Whatever the reason.