I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

[Therewere5inthebed]

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

So you’ve met a nice polite and considerate guy, had a great time and he’s messaged to say he also had a great time. And the problem is what exactly?

@wusbanker

Sorry but he'll have known that not responding all day would make you feel insecure. He is playing games. Also the "I've told my kids about you" stinks of lovebombing.

Really? The view that you should respond quickly to texts is really a younger generation thing. I wouldn't bet on him knowing that.

@PursuingProxemicExactitude

I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

But how? What have you lost? You've known the man less than a week - you surely can't have been basing all your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life on anything that happened between you in that time?

You had a nice time. Right now, there's nothing more to it than that. Neither of you owe the other anything more.

This.

These things hurt at the time but it's a bit like taking a plaster off. 'Yeeowch!!', and then you're all recovered and it's forgotten about.

I think the problem is more the names you're calling yourself. Who else would you call a stupid gullible idiot, to their face? It's so disrespectful.

What you've actually done is sleep with a man on the first date, and feel, erroneously, that it might lead to more. You're not the first and you won't be the last. Learn from it, and move on.

Let the first lesson be that when you do this, you end up calling yourself disrespectful names, and because you don't want anybody calling you disrespectful names (especially you), don't give them cause to in the future.

You are no longer a person who has sex on the first date, because it makes you feel disrespectful towards yourself. Job done. Feel proud you learned the lesson. Be grateful to the guy (but not so that he'd know it!) for being the prat that helped you learn the lesson. Move on with the feeling of pride that you will never do that again.

On this thread there seems to be a mix of people with real experience of online dating and those who have theories of how it should work. I hear the reality is that most men on tinder use it as a hook up site. And many men on tinder use a lot of lovebombing/future faking / fastforwarding pre-sex, to get to the sex point quicker. It is not normal to be texting someone every hour of the day for 1-3 weeks and then sleep with them (because you feel you have built up emotional intimacy) and then only be able to squeeze a text a day from them. That is called being used. That is called not being upfront. Being constantly emotionally available and then suddenly not at all when you get what you want is another dating pandemic and part of our times.

@Reasonableperson such a good point.The trend on Tinder seems to be messaging at every + all hours building up intensity - then meeting up & message frequency notably changes after that first meetup.

In this case though he did say he would be busy the next day then messaged soon after, so nothing from what OP is saying sounds like we know he has "pumped & dumped" (groan)

I do notice a pattern with older people of doing walks & coffees then offering to "cook dinner" that weekend, which leads to a night of passion, then a rude dumping.

@Reasonableperson

On this thread there seems to be a mix of people with real experience of online dating and those who have theories of how it should work. I hear the reality is that most men on tinder use it as a hook up site. And many men on tinder use a lot of lovebombing/future faking / fastforwarding pre-sex, to get to the sex point quicker. It is not normal to be texting someone every hour of the day for 1-3 weeks and then sleep with them (because you feel you have built up emotional intimacy) and then only be able to squeeze a text a day from them. That is called being used. That is called not being upfront. Being constantly emotionally available and then suddenly not at all when you get what you want is another dating pandemic and part of our times.

Yes! When in the situation it’s easy to lose this perspective but what you say is 100% right (imho)

@AirBubbleMe

kylesmybaby

Fairydustrust

As I was reading your post, I was waiting for the part where you say you had lent him money, so at least it's not that...smile Onwards and upwards, OP.

Haha ... me too 😁

Me three! I read it and was wondering what the problem was.

OP sounds like it was a great date! I think you're sad 1. because emotionally you are v. vulnerable right now and 2. because of the awful negative messaging levelled at women who enjoy sex (alive and well on MN I see)

But on balance it sounds like you and he had a wonderful time and really like each other. Maybe just dial it back a bit but I don't really understand why you want to call it off? Though of course it's fine if you do, just don't persuade yourself that he isn't interested because all evidence is that he is.

Totally this.

It's a bit worrying that you're investing so much of your hopes and dreams in someone at this stage of the relationship. Maybe try and think it through and work out how you can look at this guy a bit more realistically. You're not auditioning for him, you're both working out if a relationship is viable. And if he's genuinely not looking for a relationship, you've had fun and a nice time.

It's not your fault, women are taught that they have to please a man. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had along the, 'what do you think this means' category. But really, a guy would be lucky to have you.

If you're compatible, you need to find out over time. And any guy worth it for the long haul would realise that. They won't be playing games. They'll be considerate. They won't mind listening to how you feel (within reason).

Jesus fucking christ this thread has moved on. Men don't respect women who give it away too soon? Give what away? Sex isn't a prize to be earned. No one should have sex they don't want but if you do if a man that won't 'respect' you then that is not the kind of man you want around.
There was also a comment about having sex with loads of blokes in the hope that one sticks? Hell I've shagged on the first date because I wanted to. There were so many more who I didn't.
I slept with my partner on the first date. He's been respecting me for the last 6 years. But he's respecting me for my intelligence and sense of fun. Not some archaic construct.

OP, I have been where you are now several times, I have learnt that anyone I meet on tinder/POF is likely to be after one thing, guys are great at laying it on thick to get what they want, they love the chase and probably get off on the lying (telling us how amazing we are etc..just to get a shag). I will add that ‘not all men are like this’ but a lot are.

I think you just need to focus on the fact you did have a good time, you have only met this man twice and you were perfectly happy before meeting him and will be perfectly happy again if he has vanished. You don’t really know this man, he could tell you what ever he wants and you only have his word. I gave up with trying to find a partner through online dating, I’m happy to make friend with people but I tend to get to know people before jumping into bed with them and getting hurt. I have been ghosted many times in the past and it does hurt.

Lovemusic33, The OP has not been ghosted ...

My experience of guys is definitely not that they 'get what they want' before fucking off, never to be heard from again. Not unless it was the most basic of ONS, ie. go home with random while drunk (not something that happens these days ).

You need to be kinder to yourself, you had fun, take it for what it is not the next great big love. If you had fun and he treated you well I don’t see the problem? Sometimes these things are just a fling,try not to take dating so seriously.

@Therewere5inthebed

Just read your updates I think you’re being really silly, you wanted reassurances (which you got) you wanted fun (which you got) and yet you’ve written him off? Op it’s not his problem it’s your problem.

OP, I don't think you're ready for a relationship.

You could see this as you equally using him to have fun and get your confidence back!

It’s also a great sign of where you are in life that you’ve attracted someone who’s treated you really well when you were together. Just try and relax and enjoy it, well done for breaking the seal! :)

OP you remind me of a friend of mine. She constantly gets hurt by guys because she reads way too much into everything and creates drama herself by doing this.

I feel sorry for the poor guys because she’ll be expecting a full blown relationship two dates in. There’s guys she went on a couple of dates with who she still refers to as “when we were together”

Online dating can be brutal. Don’t invest too much into anyone until at least a month or so of dating. And just relax and try to enjoy it for what it is.

I don’t really understand op. It was only an hour after you texted you were panicking and now you’re convinced he is seeing someone else. I mean he might be, you’ve only met him a couple of times. I’m not sure he’s done anything wrong.

I think you’re not ready for dating to be honest. It’s too soon for you, there is a neediness there which is not healthy for you.

I’m not seeing the problem either. What are you feeling vulnerable about? You met a bloke, had great sex, and now he’s said he also had a lovely time. Him saying it ‘felt amazing’ means just that, it felt good when you were together, it doesn’t mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If you’re going to do OLD you need to have an open mind and just enjoy it for what it is. If you want to have sex and hang out with fit blokes thats fine, but it doesn’t mean every encounter will turn into a relationship. If you only want to meet people who want something long term and monogamous, say that at the start. But it sounds like you could do with being single and building up your confidence first.

@Northernsoullover

Jesus fucking christ this thread has moved on. Men don't respect women who give it away too soon? Give what away? Sex isn't a prize to be earned. No one should have sex they don't want but if you do if a man that won't 'respect' you then that is not the kind of man you want around. There was also a comment about having sex with loads of blokes in the hope that one sticks? Hell I've shagged on the first date because I wanted to. There were so many more who I didn't. I slept with my partner on the first date. He's been respecting me for the last 6 years. But he's respecting me for my intelligence and sense of fun. Not some archaic construct.

Jesus fucking Christ indeed!!!

It's international women's day and I feel like this thread is setting us back 50 years!

Do you honestly think that when you sleep with a man makes any difference?
Dh had one night stands before me, he never followed them up because guess what? He wasn't keen!!
We slept together on our first date, it was amazing and magical and 11 years on we're still smitten. He called me the next day because he knew we had something special, do you think he hesitated because I'd 'put out too early' He had total and utter respect for me now and he did back then.
He's a decent man and when I did or didn't sleep with him wouldn't change that.

It's ok for women to want sex, we're not just doing it in order to follow a strict set of rules to 'get our man'

Op, yes have your guard up, have standards etc but ultimately don't take advice from half the people on this thread!

Sorry but he'll have known that not responding all day would make you feel insecure. He is playing games

I really dont think men have such complicated thought processes. He was out with his children. Perhaps shock horror he wanted to focus on them rather than his mobile phone.

@JellyBabiesFan

Sorry but he'll have known that not responding all day would make you feel insecure. He is playing games

I really dont think men have such complicated thought processes. He was out with his children. Perhaps shock horror he wanted to focus on them rather than his mobile phone.

Agreed! We have a dd who has flown the nest, I'd absolutely leave me phone aside if I was spending the afternoon with her. Honestly this thread..... 🙄

@JellyBabiesFan

I really dont think men have such complicated thought processes

Because..?

You are not idiot but you are very naive if you think Tinder is anything else but casual hook ups.

Learn from your mistake. You are not ready to date and delete any application for casual dates.

He's just another asshole in the dating world.

My serious advice will be to explore with a good counsellor why you seem attracted to unavailable men.

I'm confused! You talked, you met, you got on. You met again you had a great connection that led to sex, you messaged, he responded. You both had fun and you both expressed an interest in seeing each other again.

All the other stuff is coming from your insecurities I think. Being cheated on has a huge impact on your thought processes. Try to relax. The two of you have no commitment to each other. If you want some ground rules then you need to discuss them. It might be a bit soon for that but I think if you're still reeling from an affair in this way you might have to ask for his patience. Best wishes. It's not easy to open yourself to someone new after betrayl

As to those who in 2021 still think men don't respect women who have sex with them on the first date...

Fuck you!

You are as prejudiced and misogynist as men sexually viewing women as chattel.