I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

[Therewere5inthebed]

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

I think you need to know yourself and how you feel about this and not what society expects you to feel!

Did you have a great night? Then great- what’s the problem- nothing wrong with sleeping with someone (as long as your safe from pregnancy and was happy to do it, why shouldn’t you have a good night?)

You did let your emotions get in the way and that probably does hurt a little now, but next time try to stay detached for a bit, doesn’t mean your not allowed to have great sex and feel wanted now and again. Your not a teenager, you haven’t done anything wrong and you haven’t fallen for his lies- this just sometimes happens, either enjoy it and guard your feelings abit more going forward or just don’t sleep with someone until you really think it’s love? .

@Pebbledashery
His kids are young adults so it’s not that..

I think the whole thing has been a wake up call really. I’m not anywhere near ready to get involved with anyone. I think maybe I wanted a bit of reassurance that someone would find me attractive after the confidence crushing that happened last year.

As I say, I’m cross with myself for not considering the consequences, that it could make me feel much worse rather than better.

This is actually fantastic news.

You will meet men that you are attracted to and who are attracted to you. You will feel butterflies again. You will have plenty more great sex.

You will meet men who flake, ghost, disappear, and dissemble. You will dismiss men whom you don't find attractive, let down men who don't make you fizz enough, and ignore messages from men who don't make you laugh.

These are two sides of the same coin. And it means you are moving on, and forwards, into life again.

Don't feel bad.. Just use it as a learning curve. You did nothing wrong and ultimately you did something at the time that made you feel better. It's his loss and you just use the future to work on what makes you happy and feel strong and not let anyone make you feel this way again xx

Ach you know what? You shagged someone...and so what?
I know you feel duped but really, you haven’t done anything wrong that you need to be feeling sad over. Cheer up.

Sorry about your crappy tidings though. That sucks xx

Wait, I had to reread this. It was only last night?! He hasn't even read the message, he's not ignoring you yet. You're honestly catastrophizing. I get it's bothering you, but he's busy with his kids and probably wants to respond when he's alone.

Don’t be cross with yourself? Why? Does it make you feel angry?

I think your being very hard on yourself, yes, your not a fan of one night stands, but that isn’t something you made happen or done on purpose, that’s just what happened. No one is responsible for it-it’s just life.

I don’t think your looking for a date, I think your looking for love, that takes a leap of faith and sometimes you will fall, it’s par for the course now a days with dating and relationships being so different to how they used to be.

I’m sure your amazing, and you don’t need to grind yourself down or feel angry. Take some time for yourself and try to let the little things go, you have had a very hard time and had to deal with a lot!! You’ve been hit enough with the shit stick, don’t forget to be happy too.

You sent the text at 11am? I think he would have responded by now if he was going to, and I understand your disappointment. He's allowed to change his mind but you are also allowed to feel sad that things haven't happened as you were led to believe they would. Have a pamper night tonight if you can. Try and turn your phone off so you're not checking constantly. I'm sorry.

Cool down and be pleased for yourself that despite your ex being a bag of shite, you were able to meet someone who interested you, excited you, and who you wanted to sleep with. That’s not a bad start to post-marriage life.

A part of me only slept with the first man I dated post-break up to see if I could even feel anything again. What a revelation. Make it about you, not him.

You can keep swiping and chatting to others and if he replies, great. If not, get more irons in the fire. This is your time.

I’m sorry you feel hurt OP but you need to change your mind set. If nothing comes from this relationship you can look at it as you had a nice night and got some experience on OLD. You’re not going to find your soul mate overnight so just see it as experience and don’t beat yourself up over it.

Even if you go into an encounter planning for it to be a one night stand, it feels shit if there's not even a couple of nice messages after. Don't know why if that's the expectation. I think in this case you were deep down hoping for more and that you might have been lucky enough to meet someone for a real relationship straight away.

All I can say is in a few days it won't feel so cringey and horrible. Promise. It will morph to feeling glad you had a nice time, a bit disappointed it was nothing more and the odd stomach lurch about the whole thing.

You've put yourself out there and done something you wouldn't normally and that's quite a scary. If that's followed by someone ghosting or being uninterested after all, it's a bit of knock. Hopefully in the future you'll feel more positive that it was fun to do something out of character it's not a reflection on you.

Yep horribly disappointing but you will honestly get some perspective in a few days - he wasn't who you thought he was and you can chalk it up to experience. It's hard not to feel stupid and duped but I don't blame you for getting taken in.
Take the positive, he found you attractive and you had a great night.

My wise advice is to take care of yourself and slow down. You are really vulnerable right now. Space to think and reflect is necessary because in my experience, abusive relationships start with intensity and love bombing (and to that extent if he kept up the pace of the last week, it would not be a good thing!). This has all happened in the space of a week, as far as I can make out, at a time when you are grieving and in need of human contact. You are ripe for exploitation by a predatory man if you are not careful (and I am not saying he is predatory, just that you really could get yourself into a bad situation if you don’t have good boundaries here). Not meant to be judging at all, but cautioning you from kindness, if that makes sense.

Regarding the situation, this guy said he had arrangements with his children today, so it is unlikely that he would be free to text back - it would be rude to them. He also said he would see you on Saturday so maybe in his head, that means the next date is fixed. The 1-2 hour daily chats are not sustainable, you need time for yourself and to get to know him properly. Time will tell if he honours his word or he has used you, and whichever way, you can learn from this experience so don’t beat yourself up.

None of this is a judgement on sleeping with him, but you are clearly so raw that I would tread carefully.

I am really sorry for your bereavement

He’s married.

I understand your need to be desired and for some company but you can now see clearly you are not ready for any of this.
Lots of good advice has been given and you live and learn.
As for your date, possibly he was meeting his children, or possibly he was in a rush simply to leave you in the morning as some may do.
If you never hear from him again, put it down to experience but do not blame yourself.

You had some fun consensual sex, whether or not he calls
Don’t beat self up you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve had a rotten year a casual shag isn’t the worst thing to happen

At worst, he had to make a lot of efforts for you to finally agree to shag him.

You had a good time? Great. The world is full of great men ,you need a few to move on from your ex.

Don't beat yourself up. Play around a bit (safely!) and enjoy life.

@rulerbirds

He’s married.

yes, because married men always rush to be home for 10 am.

OP, try to reframe it in your mind. You have had an awful time, and as a consenting adult, you allowed yourself to have a good time in bed with a man to cheer you up. Let it cheer you up. Think of it as a nice thing you did for yourself. Don't make yourself trot through the torment of will he phone/won't he phone/is it love? No, it was a good night that you wanted and deserved after a horrible time. No shame, and it's OK to leave it there.

Think of it like the Pfizer vaccine.

It's just a small prick and you won't be needing a second one.

OP, just think about it from a different angle.. You are an independent responsible adult, you spent time with the guy, you had sex which you enjoyed. I assume you wanted it and he didn't force you? Think about it as something you consciously enjoyed, not something you allowed him to get hoping for 'happily ever after

You're not a stupid, gullible idiot. He's an arsehole.

The first rule of OLD is that 99.9%of men just want sex, they will literally do and say anything to get you into bed.

I know you dont like ONS but please dont regret anything, as long as you consented to everything and had a good time you can chalk it up to experience.

When you're not long out of a relationship you are vulnerable to being lovebombed because you crave feeling wanted.

OLD is a cruel world, you need a heart and emotions of steel.

Come and join us on the dating thread on here and we'll help you through the OLD journey.

Don’t worry about the sex thing. I used to feel exactly the same and was kicking myself for sleeping with now DP on the first date.
We woke up the next morning with me fully expecting him to be like all the guys before him and totally disappear but actually he said “we should do something today, shall we go for some lunch and to the cinema?” And we’ve been together ever since.

When it’s the right guy none of the “rules” matter

As long as you used condoms then there's no need to berate yourself love.