I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

[Therewere5inthebed]

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

[Nith]

What should OP do with her feelings, if the facts and evidence seem to point to him being a good man, but she feels unsettled? Just ignore them?

At the very least, suspend judgment. As I said, there are so many tales of disaster on here from people who acted on their feelings rather than the facts.

[BehindMyEyes]

As any mindfulness course tells you feelings are not facts - they are created by your mind . Feelings are shaped by your experience , your fears eg previous marriage breakup but they are not facts . Our long inbuilt DNA drives us to catastrophise . You can feel something but it doesn't make it true.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

@BehindMyEyes

As any mindfulness course tells you feelings are not facts - they are created by your mind . Feelings are shaped by your experience , your fears eg previous marriage breakup but they are not facts . Our long inbuilt DNA drives us to catastrophise . You can feel something but it doesn't make it true.

What a load of twaddle. Everyone in my mother's side of the family is scared of heights. Our "long built in DNA" clearly meant we survived living in cliff top locations hinting bird eggs but not taking unnecessary risks. None of us have fallen to our deaths from a height.

When dating a stranger from Tinder, you have very few facts and evidence to go from. The "evidence" therefore is that this man is (a) on Tinder, (b) sleeps with women he has never met before and (c) doesn't text back quickly. He is also 39 and has considerable life experience, making it somewhat implausible that he was so overwhelmed by having sex that he was unable to text back without being prompted. There is very rarely perfect or unlimited evidence, therefore you can generate near-evidence by reflecting on the limited facts.

That amounr of circumstantial evidence inducates that in most probability, he is a bit of a casual shagger and not a great long term prospect. He can prove all of this wrong by being decent, responsive and not messing around claiming he's too busy for a polite reassuring text back.

More than likely though, he's just a typical Tinder multi-dater who might try to come back for more.

[DropDTuning]

When dating a stranger from Tinder, you have very few facts and evidence to go from. The "evidence" therefore is that this man is (a) on Tinder, (b) sleeps with women he has never met before and (c) doesn't text back quickly. He is also 39 and has considerable life experience, making it somewhat implausible that he was so overwhelmed by having sex that he was unable to text back without being prompted. There is very rarely perfect or unlimited evidence, therefore you can generate near-evidence by reflecting on the limited facts.

What would the limited facts suggest about the OP? Would any of your (a), (b) or (c) apply to her?

[GreenlandTheMovie]

This is the OP's first venture onto Tinder after a marriage ended.

She is therefore highly unlikely to be a person habitually using Tinder in a predatory way to deliberately get casual sex from strangers repeatedly.

[Eckhart]

@BehindMyEyes

As any mindfulness course tells you feelings are not facts - they are created by your mind . Feelings are shaped by your experience , your fears eg previous marriage breakup but they are not facts . Our long inbuilt DNA drives us to catastrophise . You can feel something but it doesn't make it true.

Feelings are not facts, that's right.

So, what are the facts that OP should be relying on, in her situation?

[DropDTuning]

@GreenlandTheMovie I think you misunderstood my question (deliberately?). I was pointing out that the OP's behaviour is exactly the same if you interpret it without the benefit of all of the additional information she's given here.

Just like him, she is also a person using Tinder and having casual sex with someone she's never met before - nothing wrong with that, unless you then start to immediately invest emotionally in a complete stranger on the basis of a few hours' acquaintance.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

[quote DropDTuning]@GreenlandTheMovie I think you misunderstood my question (deliberately?). I was pointing out that the OP's behaviour is exactly the same if you interpret it without the benefit of all of the additional information she's given here.

Just like him, she is also a person using Tinder and having casual sex with someone she's never met before - nothing wrong with that, unless you then start to immediately invest emotionally in a complete stranger on the basis of a few hours' acquaintance.[/quote]
You misunderstood that I was answering your question.

My responses are mainly directed at discussing the issues raised in the post, and not your responses.

[DropDTuning]

@GreenlandTheMovie I'm sorry, I did misunderstand, as your post was immediately after mine and seemed to be answering my question which was addressed to you. Obviously we cross-posted.

[BehindMyEyes]

[quote DropDTuning]@GreenlandTheMovie I think you misunderstood my question (deliberately?). I was pointing out that the OP's behaviour is exactly the same if you interpret it without the benefit of all of the additional information she's given here.

Just like him, she is also a person using Tinder and having casual sex with someone she's never met before - nothing wrong with that, unless you then start to immediately invest emotionally in a complete stranger on the basis of a few hours' acquaintance.[/quote]
You beat me to it !

[BehindMyEyes]

@Eckhart the facts are she met a guy , she shagged him , he told her he was having his kids for the weekend and he didn't reply to a message for a certain short number of hours . The rest is assumption and overthinking.

[Eckhart]

@BehindMyEyes

Ok, those are the facts. So, what it the correct emotional response to those facts? Or are a variety of different emotional responses valid?

[GreenlandTheMovie]

Well, it depends how long he's been on Tinder. There are plenty of men who use Tinder for casual sex without any intention of settling down or having a monogamous relationship.

But when I was straight out of my marriage, I wouldn't have known that necessarily. I would have thought it true of younger men perhaps.

So in terms of evidence, I apply a rebuttable presumption against men on Tinder looking for anything more than casual sex.

(and thats a third party presumption, because the men that I encountered on my short period using OLD were so dreadful that I will never use it again).

But of course, unless you are quite skilled in the use of evidence to a high degree, most people won't be able to gather and apply evidence to a useful level, so they rely on gut instinct and red flags instead. And unless youre happy with casual sex, thars pribably a very good idea. I can't understand why anyone would criticise another person for doing that.

As for "mindfulness" meaning you should overlook red flags and gut instinct, no. Thars not what mindfulness is about. It encourages you to learn reflectively. And mindfulness is not always appropriate, for example, if someone is a skilled manipulator. With one of those, you need to be aware of very minor signs that the whole picture doesnt fit together in the way they present.

[Nith]

He is also 39 and has considerable life experience, making it somewhat implausible that he was so overwhelmed by having sex that he was unable to text back without being prompted

But he never suggested that that was the case, did he? It seems to me much more likely that he does not subscribe to the view that you MUST watch your phone all the time in case a text comes in and you MUST respond to the text immediately. Maybe he puts his family before being a slave to his phone.

[Therewere5inthebed]

Ok, this seems to have turned into a rather unexpected bunfight.

I decided to cut my losses and told him that I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday, I’d had an incredibly tough day and decided to tell him what I was thinking.

He drove 30 miles to see me without prompting just to give me a hug, some reassurance and have a cuppa then drove home.

[RootyT00t]

It's only Tuesday . Wait.

And if you live alone, you did nothing wrong.

[RootyT00t]

@Therewere5inthebed

Ok, this seems to have turned into a rather unexpected bunfight.

I decided to cut my losses and told him that I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday, I’d had an incredibly tough day and decided to tell him what I was thinking.

He drove 30 miles to see me without prompting just to give me a hug, some reassurance and have a cuppa then drove home.

Just read the update. Yayyyyyyyy 💖

[RootyT00t]

@Somethingkindaoooo

On reflection.....

Maybe he WAS meeting someone else.... online dating is a numbers game ( apparently!) so perhaps he did arrange another meet up. At this stage, it is fine. As a matter of fact, you should too.

Also- you dipped your toe in, and realised you weren't ready.
Maybe he felt similarly freaked by the whole thing too?
WTF do I know though?

During covid?

No.

[Anon778833]

@Therewere5inthebed

Take a deep breathe and stop panicking. Don’t run away from this - he may be the right one. Good luck 🤞🏻

[okokok000]

@Therewere5inthebed

Ok, this seems to have turned into a rather unexpected bunfight.

I decided to cut my losses and told him that I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday, I’d had an incredibly tough day and decided to tell him what I was thinking.

He drove 30 miles to see me without prompting just to give me a hug, some reassurance and have a cuppa then drove home.

Sounds like he likes you. It's daunting and unknown but see how it goes. If he wasn't into you he wouldn't have made the effort. Fingers crossed for you 😃.

[toolatetofixate]

@Therewere5inthebed

Ok, this seems to have turned into a rather unexpected bunfight.

I decided to cut my losses and told him that I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday, I’d had an incredibly tough day and decided to tell him what I was thinking.

He drove 30 miles to see me without prompting just to give me a hug, some reassurance and have a cuppa then drove home.

Lovely!

[tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict]

@Therewere5inthebed

Ok, this seems to have turned into a rather unexpected bunfight.

I decided to cut my losses and told him that I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday, I’d had an incredibly tough day and decided to tell him what I was thinking.

He drove 30 miles to see me without prompting just to give me a hug, some reassurance and have a cuppa then drove home.

Wooohoo! This fellow relationship scaredy cat was rooting for you

[Heartofgoldmumof2]

I know you are worried about your gut instincts and that something does not add up. But it looks like he is doing all the right things to give you reassurance.

[Eckhart]

@Therewere5inthebed

Ok, this seems to have turned into a rather unexpected bunfight.

I decided to cut my losses and told him that I was having a bit of a wobble yesterday, I’d had an incredibly tough day and decided to tell him what I was thinking.

He drove 30 miles to see me without prompting just to give me a hug, some reassurance and have a cuppa then drove home.

How did that make you feel? Did it soothe your demons or did it feel nice, but you still feel uncomfortable?

[Therewere5inthebed]

I’ve taken a step back, still carrying on seeing him but will take it one day at a time.. he’s a nice man.. not sure if it will progress but it’s been a learning curve if nothing else.