I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

[Therewere5inthebed]

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

OP

It sounds like he is keen to keep seeing you. You said you liked him, so you don't need to do anything too hasty by ending it.

I get that this has exposed your vulnerability and it's ok to proceed with caution, but you don't need to deprive yourself of a chance for something good. Sometimes you have to take a leap...

Tread carefully by all means, but don't stop walking.

Very wise to stop seeing him. If he was genuinely interested and not being shady he would have replied way sooner. If someone's interested in you then you will know about it!

Also telling his kids about you is bollocks, no one would do that.

He's kids aren't little children, I'd tell my adult child where I was going if he asked

Dating just seems one big nightmare. 6 months of talking and a meet up here, difficult to both having kids and lockdown. Got on great talking everyday then ghosted because some ex from 20 years ago swanned back in

As hard as it was for me to accept at first I think he was just using me as Lock down entertainment until something he liked better came along. He was obviously a good actor

I can't see what your dates done wrong here though op

Why would you tell your children you were staying overnight with a woman you'd never met before?

Agreed that a few of these men are Oscar winning actor material.

Op, I agree with you that you are not yet ready for dating, you have got massively hurt because he took a few hours to reply, you are convinced
he was with another woman and not with his children as he had said without anything to suggest that was the case. You are now planning to slow things on a relationship that cannot even called a “relationship”, you have only know him for a few days.

In the nicest way, you need to cure your wounds before you go and hurt other people and yourself with those insecurities that stem from the affair of your ex. Do not make men pay for what other men did to you, because the only thing you are going to get is more heartache.

I suggest you slow down the things a bit, explain that although you enjoyed the night it did also made you realise you are not ready for a relationship, but offer him a friendship to start with if he wants to take it (if he doesn’t fine but don’t go and assume he is not interested because you slept with him so soon or there is another woman, most people who are actively looking for a serious relationship get so many disappointments with OLD that they are not prepared to spend any more time with someone who has made it clear the don’t want such a relationship just yet. It is not personal,they are also afraid to get hurt.

Ps. The best time to find a partner is when you do not need one and are strong enough to have a rhino skin 🙂

Not every relationship is a "forever relationship". It's no less valuable just because it doesn't last. At least you haven't wasted a lot of your valuable time, AND you had a lovely night.

OP, I’m so confused as to why you think he’s done anything wrong? He told you he was meeting up with his adult children today. He therefore most likely replied to you later (than you expected him to) because he was doing just that - spending time with his children!

I think you’re reading way too much into it and if you had such a lovely time with him, why not just enjoy that and go with it?

There isn't any reason not to see him again - even if he did date someone else this afternoon. You aren't exclusive yet. As you said, proceed with caution , but see where it goes.

Don’t let posters on here put doubts in your mind and destroy what could become a perfectly good relationship. Some people love a bit of drama. It’s your life, not theirs, if you like him go for it.

I don't agree with others that because he didn't text you back immediately that shows his true colours , maybe he was busy
I love my dh i don't always text him back immediately as I often don't look at my phone especially of I am out with people.
Why do you think he was with someone else ?
I think your right to take it slower now if that makes you feel more at ease but I wouldn't be jumping to conclusions straight away but always good to have guard up as well .
Hope things work out for you whatever you decide

"Fucked and chucked" ugh you're vile.

Ffs it's 2021 there shouldn't still be a derogatory attitude to sex on the first date. In 2016 I met a nice man, we both had too much to drink and ended up in bed together on the first night. I fancied him, we were both adults, we both wanted to, why not?! If he hadn't of been interested the next morning, I wouldn't have lost any sleep over it, but I'm so glad he asked if we could meet up again. As he turned out to be the funniest, kindest, most compatible person (to me) I've ever met and we're still together now. If he's the one, he's the one, no matter when you have sex.

Glad he text you OP, fwiw I think you were very brave, OLD isn't for the faint hearted, go you!

I think you have been unwise because of Covid. I would worry about a man going back to his children unconcerned about any infection risk.

Step back and see what happens and stop second guessing yourself.
Keeping yourself safe is just as important for you as it is him.

@Fairydustrust

As I was reading your post, I was waiting for the part where you say you had lent him money, so at least it's not that... Onwards and upwards, OP.

Haha ... me too 😁

[quote Therewere5inthebed]@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits
Thanks for your reply, I allowed myself to get hurt yet again.. I think I just wanted to feel happy for a bit.. it’s all been so shit recently.[/quote]
Sadly men like ''The Chase''

Not all men , but many.

It does hurt. What an arse if he is one of these.

They tell you what you want to hear, then cool more rapidly than a plate of pasta.

You won't be the first, or the last to have met one of these.

They just don't care about anyone but themselves.

kylesmybaby

Fairydustrust

As I was reading your post, I was waiting for the part where you say you had lent him money, so at least it's not that...smile Onwards and upwards, OP.

Haha ... me too 😁

Me three! I read it and was wondering what the problem was.

OP sounds like it was a great date! I think you're sad 1. because emotionally you are v. vulnerable right now and 2. because of the awful negative messaging levelled at women who enjoy sex (alive and well on MN I see)

But on balance it sounds like you and he had a wonderful time and really like each other. Maybe just dial it back a bit but I don't really understand why you want to call it off? Though of course it's fine if you do, just don't persuade yourself that he isn't interested because all evidence is that he is.

I think you've been really brave - it's not always the apparently big stuff that takes bravery. Dating at all and OLD is a minefield especially when you've come out of a long term relationship. Now you've taken the leap step back a bit - just because technology - apps etc - makes the process instant relationships aren't formed as quickly. Take your time. You don't have to jump into a relationship straight away. Take care of yourself and Good luck.

I think this whole thing is a bit dramatic, to be honest. I would advise you don’t see him again and hold off dating/seeing others until you’re in a better mindset because you’ve came across slightly unhinged over the whole thing. He told you he had plans today and took some time to reply. You aren’t exclusive. He doesn’t owe you anything at this point and your reaction was over the top.

When you’re starting to see someone, I’d be highly put off if someone was questioning where I was/who I was with and having a meltdown over it because I had plans and already told them I had plans.

Whether you had sex or not is irrelevant. Until you’re in an exclusive relationship, you cannot act like that. And even if you are in a relationship, if someone tells you that they are busy the next day, maybe take heed before jumping onto Mumsnet and creating a thread all about them. It’s just not a normal response. If the sexes were reversed, all of the posters here would be telling the woman to avoid him like the plague.

There’s nothing wrong with having sex outside of a relationship (obviously). I just wouldn’t advise it unless you can handle it and the various outcomes that may happen. Sex outside of a relationship is supposed to be fun and took for what it is- fun without the obligation of a relationship. Sure, for a lot of us it’s part of the natural dating progression to something exclusive, but obviously not in all cases.

If it was me, I’d take a step back for my own MH and try to see things differently and learn for next time. You enjoyed sex with him, which is a good thing. Take it as a positive, take some time out to heal from your other experiences and when you’re ready, get back into the dating game. If you don’t feel like you can have sex without it being a part of a bigger commitment, wait until you’ve been seeing each other for a few months or are exclusive.

I love my dh i don't always text him back immediately

You and your DP are in an established relationship, the OP had literally just had sex with this man. I do not believe that he didn't look at his phone once throughout the day, a short pleasant response to reassure her would have been appropriate.

You've had a tough time just relax have some FUN . I don't think your looking for a new husband just yet ,

@Neverspeakofthisagain

OP

It sounds like he is keen to keep seeing you. You said you liked him, so you don't need to do anything too hasty by ending it.

I get that this has exposed your vulnerability and it's ok to proceed with caution, but you don't need to deprive yourself of a chance for something good. Sometimes you have to take a leap...

Tread carefully by all means, but don't stop walking.

Absolutely this.

Sorry but he'll have known that not responding all day would make you feel insecure. He is playing games. Also the "I've told my kids about you" stinks of lovebombing.

You need to not be dating

Even if he did have another date the next day - he would not be doing anything wrong. You have known this bloke one week seriously!

If you're going to become so insecure & attached like this do not sleep with people the first time they come over to your house, wait awhile & see what they are about & where you stand.

Honestly if this bothers you, delete Tinder. Just wait for the old fashioned meeting out of chance.

If this has got you so fraught Tinder is not the place for you.

He could well like you & have been busy with his kids. He could have been on a date with another woman. You don't know & it's not really your business.

If people are meant to be together they will gravitate towards each other.

If him telling you he would be busy, being busy, then messaging later as he said he would is not good enough for you - girl be single for awhile, dating is just going to destroy you emotionally !

I don't understand why the OP believes this guy to have been with another woman and is not wanting to continue seeing him.

She went out with him a couple of times, they had sex. He then messaged her the same day to say what a good time he had etc.

Sounds like a winner to me? I'm just not seeing the problem.

I don't understand all this angst and second guessing. I also wouldn't write off a relationship with someone I actually liked and fancied because of imagined red flags and the fact that he didn't text me back the minute I texted him. Not everybody is on their phone all the time.

I think you're the one bringing drama to this. Sounds like you're doing yourself out of dating someone lovely. By all means, proceed with caution, but you should be doing that regardless.

Calm down and try to enjoy yourself. A man is allowed not to text you back immediately if he is busy or (God forbid) simply doesn't want to respond right that second.