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Original poster

I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

277 replies

Therewere5inthebed · 07/03/2021 19:06

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

OP posts:
toolatetofixate · 08/03/2021 16:27

@Therewere5inthebed

I hope you can relax into dating him a bit and that it goes somewhere positive for you both. If it doesn't work out that's ok too. Try to enjoy it for what it is just now and have some fun. If you really feel like you just can't settle into it, then maybe you're not quite ready for dating and you can come back to it if and when you are.

Snookie00 · 08/03/2021 16:35

It all sounds positive OP but take it easy and try to have some fun. You’ve acknowledged that you’re vulnerable so make sure you set your own boundaries and don’t jump into anything that you’re not comfortable with.

For all the posters who are saying he’s a bastard etc. What exactly has he done wrong?

There is so much projection on these sites and some women on the relationship boards love just slagging men off for absolutely no reason.

Northernsoullover · 08/03/2021 16:48

@Snookie00

It all sounds positive OP but take it easy and try to have some fun. You’ve acknowledged that you’re vulnerable so make sure you set your own boundaries and don’t jump into anything that you’re not comfortable with.

For all the posters who are saying he’s a bastard etc. What exactly has he done wrong?

There is so much projection on these sites and some women on the relationship boards love just slagging men off for absolutely no reason.

And slagging us 'slutty' women off too Hmm
Twisty333 · 08/03/2021 16:51

Everyone knows Tinder is for hook-ups! But that being said you are single and deserve to have some fun!!! Don't take things so seriously!

Snookie00 · 08/03/2021 16:57

True @Northernsoullover. All these women-hating women who feel that sex a gift we bestow on men who have proven worthy and that having sex with someone means low morals. It’s like stepping back 60 years.

samyeagar · 08/03/2021 17:01

[quote Therewere5inthebed]@cantgetmyheadroundit

He was really clock watching on Sunday morning, but had told me that he was going home to do some DIY, something didn’t add up to me. My gut is usually right!

I have very mixed feelings with regard to the whole thing, I’m not looking for another husband, despite a sarky message from one poster, that is the bloody last thing I need but I’m not looking for hook ups either.

I just want some time to be me in a safe environment and I want to have some fun, life has been pretty joyless for the last few years and I’ve put others wants and needs way above my own for way too long.

@Eckhart

I’m not usually needy, I’ve always been told that I’m easy going and low maintenance historically so the feelings that I had were out of character for me. I know that it’s down to my EXH’s behaviour and shouldn’t carry it over but I also know that a few wobbles are natural.

As a side note we’ve just had the most wonderful conversation, he called for a chat out of the blue from work.[/quote]
Well, get ready for the deluge of posts accusing him of Love Bombing now...

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 08/03/2021 17:52

I just want some time to be me in a safe environment ...

Look, I've never so much as googled Tinder - but I'm as certain as I can be that it's not a safe environment for emotional exploration of the self! 'Brutal' is the word I've gathered from a close reading of MN ... And in comparison to many you seem to have had a rather fortunate early experience of it.

But I have no further expertise to offer ...

bitheby · 08/03/2021 18:04

I don't understand this thread. You massively projected a load of stuff from your head into half an hour of him not reading of a message and now you're going to change your behaviour based purely on this projection? Why not just respond to what is actually happening and not speculation or else this will be tortuous for both of you, however long it lasts.

Rose76445 · 08/03/2021 18:10

@bitheby

It wasn't half an hour of him not reading a text was it though? The text was sent at 11am and read after 8pm. And the projection was at least partly due to the notable difference in the previous week's response times to texts? Never more than half an hour. It wasn't based on nothing. She's changing her behaviour because she's realised how overinvested she has been. It's wise of her to do that.

Why are a lot of the posts on Mumsnet so invalidating?

samyeagar · 08/03/2021 18:14

[quote Rose76445]@bitheby

It wasn't half an hour of him not reading a text was it though? The text was sent at 11am and read after 8pm. And the projection was at least partly due to the notable difference in the previous week's response times to texts? Never more than half an hour. It wasn't based on nothing. She's changing her behaviour because she's realised how overinvested she has been. It's wise of her to do that.

Why are a lot of the posts on Mumsnet so invalidating?[/quote]
Not everything needs to be validated.

Snookie00 · 08/03/2021 18:19

Why should every opinion be validated even when it seems to be catastrophising a perfectly normal situation? At times, self doubt can cause someone to think illogical thoughts and pointing it out is helpful.

She’s had posters saying he’s an asshole, user, married, just after her for sex etc. That’s not supportive as all these posters are projecting their own negative experiences onto a situation they know nothing about.

samyeagar · 08/03/2021 18:24

@Snookie00

Why should every opinion be validated even when it seems to be catastrophising a perfectly normal situation? At times, self doubt can cause someone to think illogical thoughts and pointing it out is helpful.

She’s had posters saying he’s an asshole, user, married, just after her for sex etc. That’s not supportive as all these posters are projecting their own negative experiences onto a situation they know nothing about.

Why attribute to normal, that which can be attributed to malice? :D
Rose76445 · 08/03/2021 18:24

There's a difference between not validating something and being invalidating. Posters who don't even bother to read the op properly before whipping out some invalidating comment are annoying.

Dery · 08/03/2021 19:01

“I just want some time to be me in a safe environment ...

Look, I've never so much as googled Tinder - but I'm as certain as I can be that it's not a safe environment for emotional exploration of the self! 'Brutal' is the word I've gathered from a close reading of MN ... And in comparison to many you seem to have had a rather fortunate early experience of it.”

I think it’s this. OP - to me it sounds like there’s a lot to celebrate from your encounter with him but as Eckhart has identified, something about it is making you anxious and upset instead. Even if he’s a great guy, it’s way too soon to know whether these encounters will develop into a relationship but you don’t seem able to go with the flow on this despite the many positive indicators. That’s not a criticism. You’ve had a really difficult time and it may just be too soon for you to relax into this situation.

AndreaMarteau · 08/03/2021 19:05

I think you're doing the right thing, OP. Dating is a different game to what it was, say, 20 years ago. You're not considered 'exclusive' til you've had the chat, even if you're sleeping together, so it's possible he was seeing someone else. I'd just bear it mind and proceed with caution and listen to your intuition. If something seems off, it usually is. Always listen to your gut.

That's not to say that you should dump him, but just take things slowly and don't place any expectations on it at this stage.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 21:32

I just want some time to be me in a safe environment ...

Op. Honestly you’re not going to get this by hooking up with strangers. You’ve met this man twice, he’s not a safe space, he’s a stranger.

You need to get to know someone before you can out this level of trust in them.

Nith · 08/03/2021 21:42

Honestly, don't put all this reliance on your gut. So often I've seen threads on here where an OP has gone with their instinct and it has been utterly disastrous.

Somethingkindaoooo · 08/03/2021 22:10

On reflection.....

Maybe he WAS meeting someone else.... online dating is a numbers game ( apparently!) so perhaps he did arrange another meet up. At this stage, it is fine. As a matter of fact, you should too.

Also- you dipped your toe in, and realised you weren't ready.
Maybe he felt similarly freaked by the whole thing too?
WTF do I know though?

Googlebrained · 09/03/2021 08:08

@Bluntness100

I just want some time to be me in a safe environment ...

Op. Honestly you’re not going to get this by hooking up with strangers. You’ve met this man twice, he’s not a safe space, he’s a stranger.

You need to get to know someone before you can out this level of trust in them.

A first. I agree with Bluntness.

I know it's lovely to dream of a future with someone different to what you've experienced before. But you can't know whether this guy is it after two dates. Also, you're making it all about him and what he thinks. You get to choose too. You like him so far, but he has to show that he's worthy of you too.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 08:32

@Nith

Honestly, don't put all this reliance on your gut. So often I've seen threads on here where an OP has gone with their instinct and it has been utterly disastrous.
What should OP be relying on, if not her feelings?
GentlemanJay · 09/03/2021 08:32

@iknowthatforafact

A good friend tells me to wait 3 days, if they can't respond at all within that time then it isn't worth your time.

He may well be with his kids and itching to reply but can't juggle the 2 things simultaneously

It takes 30 seconds to send a text. It can be done while sat on the toilet.

I fell for that thinking recently. 10 days later she popped up. Bull shit.

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/03/2021 09:51

@Snookie00

Why should every opinion be validated even when it seems to be catastrophising a perfectly normal situation? At times, self doubt can cause someone to think illogical thoughts and pointing it out is helpful.

She’s had posters saying he’s an asshole, user, married, just after her for sex etc. That’s not supportive as all these posters are projecting their own negative experiences onto a situation they know nothing about.

When the "perfectly normal situation" is a man on Tinder who hooks up with women for sex, then I'd say the OP's doubts and worries are spot on. She is new to this, he almost certainly isn't.

Teenagers, maybe even students, get "freaked out" by having sex with someone new and can be paralysed into inaction for days, even if they're keen. But once youre in your late thirties, you have enough life experience to override this if you're interested in a person. Not texting back is a sign of a player, someone with bad manners, someone who doesnt treat people well. Players can text back as well of course, but this man dies have the hallmarks of the casual shagfer type.

BehindMyEyes · 09/03/2021 09:53

The downside of sleeping with someone early in in these situations is that they may be seeing other people and having sex with them too . This is one reason why it is sometimes better to wait until you get to a situation of exclusivity .

Nith · 09/03/2021 10:00

What should OP be relying on, if not her feelings?

Facts and evidence?

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 10:05

@Nith

What should OP be relying on, if not her feelings?

Facts and evidence?

What should OP do with her feelings, if the facts and evidence seem to point to him being a good man, but she feels unsettled? Just ignore them?
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