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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

277 replies

Therewere5inthebed · 07/03/2021 19:06

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 07/03/2021 22:14

This reply has been deleted

This quotes a now deleted post so we are taking this down too

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/03/2021 22:16

That's great news OP, I am glad he messaged you back.

You like him and he likes you....just go for it. Life's too short for all this dating angst and second guessing.

I hope it goes well.

apalledandshocked · 07/03/2021 22:17

And re the "men dont respect women who sleep around" controversy
In my opinion decent men who are looking for a relationship (and arent mysogynists) won't judge women for "giving it away" too soon. The problem is users (and even some men that arent awful but arent that into you) will rarely pass up the opportunity of sex if its available (because realistically it is easier for men to get than women, plus social conditioning). So the risk is, you can end up wasting time with a user who will keep you hanging on because they are getting sex from you, or even someone who isnt awful but isnt that into you but is happy to keep a relationship ticking along because you are "OK" and there is sex (I mean they arent that nice if they do that, but lets face it, thats not that rare). Therefore you can end up not meeting someone who you really like and who really likes you. Waiting a bit weeds out the minimum effort types who arent that invested in a long term relationship. But I dont think there is anything WRONG per se with a one night stand. The options are:

Shitty, mysogynistic guy + early sex - best case scenario its a ONS, worst case they string you along for ages
OKish guy whos not that into you+early sex - best case scenario its a ONS with apologies afterwards, worst case you end up in a meh relationship
Decent guy that likes you(and you like them)+ early sex - YAY you end up a couple,

Shitty, mysogynistic guy + delayed sex - they lose interest part way through because one of the other 20 women they are messaging seems more promising
OKish guy whos not that into you + delayed sex - They realise the chemistry isnt there and you part ways
Decent guy that likes you (and you like them)+ delayed sex - YAY you end up a couple,

The chances of meeting the third type are much higer if the first 2 take themselves out of the equation early on.

apalledandshocked · 07/03/2021 22:19

Sorry, I should have said generally its easier for women to get sex then men, not the other way round!

Lottieeshborn · 07/03/2021 22:19

@UhtredRagnarson

Omg loving the name!!!

LaceyBetty · 07/03/2021 22:19

@apalledandshocked all fine and good but the posters who are slut shaming are deplorable.

apalledandshocked · 07/03/2021 22:21

[quote LaceyBetty]@apalledandshocked all fine and good but the posters who are slut shaming are deplorable. [/quote]
Oh god yes, I agree there!

Sarahlou63 · 07/03/2021 22:23

@Therewere5inthebed

He has messaged, said he had a fantastic night and asked how I am. He told me that he had told his adult children that he was spending the night with me when I asked where they thought he was. I’m going to proceed with much more caution in future and not allow myself to get in a position where I feel so vulnerable.

Despite this I am positive he was meeting someone else this afternoon..

I’m 100% sure he’s not married —I have FB stalked him-- We’ve both been honest about our situations and he has no reason to lie about that.

However thank you to the posters who have made me not feel so stupid.. and put it into perspective.

I’m going to proceed with much caution, there will not be a round two as I’m now aware that I’m too vulnerable and really haven’t enjoyed feeling this way.

It was great fun (probably the most fun I’ve ever had) which almost made it harder and he was so considerate and thoughtful, but the warning signs were there, I just didn’t heed them.

What? You had a great time. He had a great time. But you're positive (how??) he was meeting someone else this afternoon. This is a gift horse, don't poke its eye out.
stevalnamechanger · 07/03/2021 22:24

You had a nice time . If that's all it is and you never hear from him again don't feel guilty . There is no need .

Look after yourself

tiredmum2468 · 07/03/2021 22:25

I was reading the title thinking you'd given someone your life savings

You've only slept with him

Sorry you've had a thought time but you need to just Get a grip and move on

Magnificentmug12 · 07/03/2021 22:31

Ahhh great op! Hope your feeling a little better now, and maybe a tad more cautious too??

Try to remember to enjoy yourself and the one you should be looking out for first and foremost is yourself! If you want to have fun, have it, if you want to be cautious do that, there is no right or wrong.

Magnificentmug12 · 07/03/2021 22:32

I also admire your bravery!! I imagine the dating world is like a mine field!

Well done.

Nith · 07/03/2021 22:34

Why are you positive he met someone else? Do you have any evidence of that? If it's just because he wasn't in touch with you, maybe he was busy with this family.

Nancydrawn · 07/03/2021 22:34

@Therewere5inthebed

He has messaged, said he had a fantastic night and asked how I am. He told me that he had told his adult children that he was spending the night with me when I asked where they thought he was. I’m going to proceed with much more caution in future and not allow myself to get in a position where I feel so vulnerable.

Despite this I am positive he was meeting someone else this afternoon..

I’m 100% sure he’s not married —I have FB stalked him-- We’ve both been honest about our situations and he has no reason to lie about that.

However thank you to the posters who have made me not feel so stupid.. and put it into perspective.

I’m going to proceed with much caution, there will not be a round two as I’m now aware that I’m too vulnerable and really haven’t enjoyed feeling this way.

It was great fun (probably the most fun I’ve ever had) which almost made it harder and he was so considerate and thoughtful, but the warning signs were there, I just didn’t heed them.

Why are you positive of this, OP? It sounds like a perfectly normal lag time--nothing to be concerned about.

It's fine if you're not ready to date. That's absolutely okay. But as far as I can tell, he was kind, respectful, and messaged you back the same day that he left. (Apologies if I got the clock wrong.)

That's not saying that you have to continue thatit's entirely up to youbut unless there's something indicating he's met with someone else, I wouldn't rush to conclusions.

B3ttyBoop · 07/03/2021 22:34

I can't believe some of the 1950's hussy shaming comments. The OP and her date had fun, so what??!

FWIW OP, i think you're right to back pedal a bit. When you've had a tough time it can make you feel vulnerable and it takes time to work through grief and a marital break up. Any further upsets after those events can set you back. I'm glad he messaged you back and, who knows, maybe he'll turn out good?

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/03/2021 22:39

@TheWaif

Clearly the OP didn't get what she wanted from it so it's fairly unpleasant to say she should be glad for the shag!

I feel for you OP. Is be feeling just the same. I'm meeting a guy at the weekend and I'm dreading a similar thing happening.

Oh gawd I know, its depressing how low the bar is for some, that you should be "grateful" for a man giving you sex, when you wouldn't have bothered if you'd thought you were likely to be pumped and dumped.

Getting sex from men is ridiculously easy; its nothing to be grateful for if its a one off.

Avoiding fuck boys is actually quite time consuming. And I don't even do OLD!

Fatas · 07/03/2021 22:44

Placemarking as I’m hoping there’s a happy ending

LaceyBetty · 07/03/2021 22:45

There seems to be a bit of an odd notion that agreeing to sex with a man is the giving some sort of precious gift that a woman can't afford to part with easily.

justasking111 · 07/03/2021 22:50

@Therewere5inthebed your marriage broke down, your father died, which must have knocked you back. You met a man had two dates a lovely night together, that is great you got back on the horse so to speak. Do not beat yourself up as to whether you should have played the coy game. You are over thinking all this, yes slow it down if you want to keep seeing each other and are concerned. Just enjoy the moment.

My son met his wife on a dating site, they are now married, kids, and very happy. We only hear in the media about the wronguns who join dating sites.

Viviennemary · 07/03/2021 22:51

It's a shame you were taken in by this sweet talking chancer. It happens to the best of people. But just put it behind you and be glad he showed his true colours sooner rather than later.

JellyBabiesFan · 07/03/2021 22:51

So you are going to change your outlook on the whole relationship because he didnt reply to you fast enough (whilst he was spending time with his kids).

[Enter large facepalm here]

Anon778833 · 07/03/2021 22:53

OP, I don’t think it’s obvious he’s met someone else. Not from what you’ve said...

Helloandhelloagain · 07/03/2021 22:53

You don’t need too feel bad? You both had a nice time , some times that’s all it needs to be. It doesn’t always need to lead to something; you most definitely have not been
Reckless. Sounds like you had fun that you most definitely needed at this difficult time in your life xx

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/03/2021 22:54

JellyBabiesFan So you are going to change your outlook on the whole relationship because he didnt reply to you fast enough (whilst he was spending time with his kids)

I had to change my whole outlook when I came out of my marriage and tried OLD briefly. I had absolutely no idea that men behaved like that - suggesting they come over to your home when you don't know them, asking for nude photos, sending sexually explicit messages, lying and pretending to be something they were not, and so on. How would I? I had an intention to avoid being used for casual sex by serial shaggers, but I didn't know the techniques they used.

Anon778833 · 07/03/2021 22:58

I agree @GreenlandTheMovie

Some of them will spend vast amounts of money in posh bars and restaurants in an attempt to disarm you.