Drinking in the morning - everyone does it, right?

[fedup078]

Even when they have young kids?
Totally normal yes?

Well he's just told me to ask around. Don't fancy asking my friends so here we are
I'm being told this is totally normal and everyone does it, so why shouldn't he.

I hope you're doing ok, OP. After my ex and I finally split, almost 3 years ago, I finally saw things clearly. In the midst of it, I was just lost. I can now see that my ex was in a completely different world to me. I thought of him as my partner and for too long, felt (misplaced) loyalty, which I now know was never returned. If he was feeling shit, I felt shit. When something bad happened to him, it was bad for us. But I understand now that he never thought we were an 'us'. So I kept thinking that when his drinking upset me, he should care. But he didnt. It was none of my business and I was being a pain in the arse, ruining his morning/ evening if i kicked off with him. Or cried. Or showed any pain with his behaviour. It was a bit devastating to realise it, finally. I felt humiliated, cheated and betrayed. I am very distant with him now. And its only about the kids. The kids stay overnight with him, but never, ever holidays. I wont budge on that.

@P999 yes a lot of that sounds very familiar
I was always ruining the weekend by picking fights about his drinking
What really stuck a chord with me was when I caught him the other weekend and he tried to lie about it, after admitting it he said he didn't think it would cause a problem . So after all the previous fights and nearly separating in December after he was drunk in the morning, he thought having a drink in the morning wouldn't be a problem . I mean come on?!

Sometimes he doesn't seem remotely bothered that he's leaving . And I wonder if that's because he's looking forward to having a relationship with drink without me getting in the way

Then sometimes he's upset and asks me to change my mind and keeps saying he wants a 6 month trial separation but also says he isn't going to get any help . So i don't know what he thinks is going to change in 6 months

I can't wait for him to leave

@P999 also on Mother's Day (after he ruined lasts years with the drink) he pretty much kept out of my way which was nice
Then later on he had a wobble , I could see him getting upset

Not even sure how it started but all of sudden I’m getting the whole spiel about how he isn’t going to get help, doesn’t think his drinking is a problem and how his mates tell him it’s normal blah blah blah

He said
‘My mates say I’ve been trying to convince them for years that I’m an alcoholic but they say I’m not and actually I just maybe think I am because you’ve been telling me for so long that I am’

Whatever mate . Jog on

Good for you op - you deserve so much better.

Make sure you get proper legal advice and everything that you and the children are entitled to.

He chose the drink. Remember that.

I am happy to read that you want wait for him to leave it means you have detached from him!

I think you are correct he is looking forward to having the relationship he wants with alcohol and you no longer there to spoil it. Whilst I hope he reaches his rock bottom and decides to seek help it's better that you and the DC are removed from watching the car crash.

‘My mates say I’ve been trying to convince them for years that I’m an alcoholic but they say I’m not and actually I just maybe think I am because you’ve been telling me for so long that I am’

It’s always going to be your fault isn’t it .... classic abuser DARVO mindset and process (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).

He will wobble and be all over the place that’s why you need to have the blinkers on to drive forward and command the direction of travel here.

He is totally resistant to you - and will have deep contempt and resentment for you daring to call out and come between him and his passion, obsession and compulsion.

You and your DC futures will be calm and peaceful now not polluted and tossed about by the demands of an “alcoholic” “problem drinker” - what ever he wants to deny or label it. Mine decided that he was “just” a binge drinker and that somehow squared it and minimised it in his mind - whereas HE could use what ever words HE liked to make HIM feel comfortable / ease his guilt / justify his behaviour and project at me that I was irrational and unreasonable - but the fact was his impact on me, my children, our family life was as devastating no matter what word HE called it.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

Close down conversations.

You have zero concern about how he sees it all because you are 100% clear in YOUR ACTIONS and FUTURE.

@Sssloou it's all so true

My ex couldnt have been happier when he left. The freedom to car crash party with my nagging. Doesn't seem so happy now, but not my problem any more. Brutal as it may sound, I owe him nothing. He made his choices. I gave him a million chances over the years and he pissed over all of them. I dont feel any compassion, because i never got any from him all those years I was propping him up, miserable. And bringing in all the money, doing all the child rearing. I hope it not as bad for you. I just feel I was a mug, but now no more

without my nagging

It's obviously made me resentful. But one day, indifferent I hope

Does he drive? Report him to the police, and use the time he's detained to change the locks? Then if it goes to court you say that your children weren't safe with an alcoholic under the roof.

Well done for coming back here if needed. He won't accept help until he realises he has a problem. There's no telling when that will happen. BIL is a 36yo man with the beginnings of liver failure, he cracks open a can of cider at 5am.

It's always someone else's fault with an alcoholic (or any addict). They have to believe that, because if they don't then they have to live with themselves.

With mine, he drank because everyone at work was horrible to him (expecting him not to be drunk at work and making constant errors), I didn't give him enough sex (because he stank of booze all the time, what a turn on!) and because our DDs weren't cute compliant little girls any more (well, at 15 and 17 they wouldn't be, would they?).

He didn't even get to have his happy relationship with alcohol though, because by the time he left, he was so lost in depression he was just miserable all the time. We weren't, though.

Just hang in there and make sure he isn't allowed to delay leaving. I really had to push with mine.

@ginoclocksomewhere Does he drive? Report him to the police, and use the time he's detained to change the locks? Then if it goes to court you say that your children weren't safe with an alcoholic under the roof.

I don't think you can legally change the locks if the house is in both their names, but I do agree to reporting him to the police especially if he's drinking at breakfast then driving to work

It sounds as though booze has pretty much blighted your whole life, till now. You'll soon be free of the suspicion, checking bottles, the endless fucking arguments that get you nowhere. You're going to be free of that head-fuck, time wasting, frustrating, heartsink, crushing, endless round and round in circles crap. With nothing to show for it except spiralling unhappiness and a horrible home environment for your kids. I love being free and (although it took a while) not caring or worrying what fuck up he will do next. It's his problem now. And grasp his callousness, because it will make detaching easier. If easy is the word for it. I love my home life, just me and the kids. I never missed him, never want to go back to that miserable semi-life.

Can I ask about your in laws? Do they see it? Do you talk to them about it? Mine were in denial (despite his 2 stints in rehab) and were always cracking open bottles when we went over. So it was a lost cause for me from the start.

...whereas HE could use what ever words HE liked to make HIM feel comfortable / ease his guilt / justify his behaviour and project at me that I was irrational and unreasonable - but the fact was his impact on me, my children, our family life was as devastating no matter what word HE called it.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

Close down conversations

This is so true. Too often we think if we talk things through, we can get them to "see the error of their ways". It just doesn't work like that with alcoholics. The talking drives you mad because you don't know it but you're actually talking at cross purposes and all the while it's going on, your kids suffer. I read this line in a book by Lola Shoneyin, such a simple line, uttered by a daughter about her father, but says it all "Gin had stolen Baba from our childhood..." Sadly, alcohol steals the non drinking partner too because you have to dedicate significant headspace to anticipating, managing and coping with the impact of an alcoholic's behaviour on family life. It's no way to live.

@P999 I don't really have much of a relationship with mil. She knows about it but he's tried to keep us apart as much as possible . When we split for a few days in December I actually rang her to tell her he was shit faced at 11am. She told me to hide all the booze in the house etc . He went mental and rang her up shouting saying we'd never speak to each other again
I know what you mean though . My grandmother still denies my mother was anything but a saint. Even after she smashed her house up after gm spoon fed her coffee to try and sober her up. She had a lot to say about other people who are apparently alcoholics but won't have a word said against my mother .

Sadly, alcohol steals the non drinking partner too because you have to dedicate significant headspace to anticipating, managing and coping with the impact of an alcoholic's behaviour on family life. It's no way to live.

This is actually what happens for the DCs. They lose both parents to the reactive chaos, anger, hanging 24/7 tension, distraction and exhaustion which means that they do not have an adult emotionally available and attuned to support, encourage and respond to THEIR emotional development.

This leaves the DCs own emotional stability severely compromised so that they get involved and stuck with dysfunctional RS in their own adult life.

@fedup078 - you are doing an amazing thing for you all. Life is bliss on the other side.

obviously no...

So much good advice on this thread - OP I wish you all the luck in the world for your future life

Well he's busy packing his car and will be out tomorrow
Currently I don't feel anything
Quite worried about how unemotional I've been the last few weeks

Oh OP I am so relived for you, you will feel numb for a while and probably crack in a week or so and sob uncontrollably.
So much of your posts resonates with me and the relationship I had with my mum.
You are so much better off without him and so are your children. Don’t waste another moment of you and your children’s precious life on him. His life, his choices.
He will be crying into his pint glass soon about what a bitch you are and how you have taken his children away form him.
Onwards and upwards, sending you lots of love ❤️

The numb feeling will pass. You will go through the process of grieving for what you've lost. Then you will pick up your life and it will be better. It just takes time. The important thing from here on in is not to beat yourself up with 'what if'. You have 100% done the right thing.

Op you really didn't have any choice in the matter he has chosen to put his relationship with booze before and above the one with you and the dcs.
Look after yourself