Drinking in the morning - everyone does it, right?

[fedup078]

Even when they have young kids?
Totally normal yes?

Well he's just told me to ask around. Don't fancy asking my friends so here we are
I'm being told this is totally normal and everyone does it, so why shouldn't he.

@Frazzled2207 I don't know how I would ever know even if he did sort himself out . It's going to be easier for him to hide it from me now . He's says going tea total is a totally unreasonable request and he won't do it

I’m sorry @fedup078
I suppose there is a chance he will hit rock bottom then realise what he has to do. I hope so but of course it could not happen. Such a sad situation.

I'm glad things are progressing.

As he drinks when he isn't working the next battle will be refusing him contact with the DC. How can you ever trust him with them? Presumably he drink drives?

OP your doing so well just take it hour by hour.

As for trusting him with DCs you can buy reasonably cheap breathalyser tests (you need to have them in your car in France). So if you don't trust him not to be drink driving then you simply say unless you prove it that morning then the children will not be spending time with you.
A court will also probably want to see steps that he is taking as well.
But these things are not in the immediate future so just focus on your DCs and you big hugs

I don't even have kids and I wouldn't drink before midday unless it was Christmas/airport/celebration like wedding day. If I had work that day I don't drink until I clock off and usually not until 6/7pm.

Most workdays I don't drink anyway.

The problem is that the trust goes when you realise you are living with an alcoholic. Getting it back is incredibly difficult. It's harder because your H won't admit there is a problem or seek help.

And please take it from one who's been there - you're taking it as well as is possible. I still have vivid memories of crying and throwing up in the shower of a morning in the heat of the crisis. And nevertheless I was coping well, because I was doing what needed to be done. You are too. Coping doesn't have to be pretty or stylish, ugly and effective is just as valid.

@groovergirl

OP, this is horrible, and I think you've made the right decision.

However, may I throw another possibility into the discussion? Your DH sounds like he has gut biome problems and untreated allergies. It is definitely not normal to drink in the mornings, and there might be a physiological factor involved here.

I used to be a morning drinker. Never thought it would happen to me. I was teetotal almost all my adult life and always the designated driver. No interest in drink or drugs, just wanted to hit the dance floor. But in my late 40s I suffered unbearably turbulent, growling guts in the morning, so began having a quick swig of savvy plonk to soothe my innards before launching into the day. At 52 I was diagnosed with coeliac disease and had to immediately cut out all gluten. My guts calmed down, I lost interest in alcohol and went back to my cheery morning cuppa. It really was that simple.

It may be too late to save your marriage, but it would be worth your DH seeing a doc who will take blood and stool samples and find out what's going on with his health.

Surely you were just using a shot as a painkiller then?

Not downing wine

All drug use and abuse, inc food and drink, is to change mood or feeling

Unbelievable
I just asked him if he's actually going to look into getting any help
And he said ... he doesn’t want to seek any help until after we’re divorced because if I end up taking him to court over custody he doesn’t want it showing up on his records that he’s seeking help for alcoholism

Doh

As if you aren't going to mention it in the divorce and child contact arrangements!!!

He is in so much denial.

OP. This all sounds painfully familiar. I got to the stage where I wanted to push him down the stairs when he dared to insult my intelligence in this way. Obviously I didnt, but I left it so long and it got so bad that I can still feel all the pain and frustration rushing back reading these posts. Even though I'm almost 3 years down the line now. It didnt help that his family actively dismissed me and encouraged him to drink, despite 2 stints in rehab and countless locations,ruined weekends and holidays and living in constant anxiety over his behaviour. I totally lost myself and I wish I'd walked away years earlier.

Countless lost jobs. Not countless locations

@fedup078 technically he is correct as it will be your word against his currently on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. However judges also don't take favourably to be lied to!

Either way. Whether he gets help or not is out of your hands. I'd say, however hard it might be, to not have these conversations with him at all. It really doesn't sound like he is anywhere near having any insight. And it will only drag you into that bever ending merry-go-round. Step be step, disengage. Really hard. It takes work and doesn't happen overnight. I went very low contact to avoid hearing any news about what he was doing. To preserve my sanity and get my life back (instead of living on knife edge, at the mercy of his next catastrophic move).

In a nutshell, I had to give up on my ex and any prospect of him changing. It was the only way for me. Asking if he is going to get help, means you still have hope and that this move might be the catalyst to change. It doesn't sound like it is. Sorry.

@P999 it's more from a custody point of view rather than any hope of us getting back together
I think that ship has well and truly sailed

Do you feel anxious about him being alone with the kids? Or have you not had the chance to think it through yet. I can cope with overnight uk stays, but not holidays. I dont trust they will be safe

@P999 I don't trust him no and I need to figure out what I'm going to do about it

Legal advise op

I had the same. Lots of pressure to brush it aside. But I couldnt. Hes such alarms and so irresponsible. How old are your children?

Such a liar. Bloody spellcheck

Did you really need to ask op? All those on yen school run are they drinking? Come on. This can’t be a surprise.

Have you logged all the times he was drunk? Just as back up for custody battles?

Hopefully you won't need to rush those custody decisions just yet. It's hard enough just now. I felt really betrayed that my ex chose booze over family and didnt care about the impact it had on me all those years. Everyone says it's a disease etc. But I always felt he had a choice. Until it finally dawned on me he didnt want to even try. He's never felt any remorse. He brushed it all aside like it was nothing. I was floored by it.

@P999 wow that's exactly how it is