Drinking in the morning - everyone does it, right?

[fedup078]

Even when they have young kids?
Totally normal yes?

Well he's just told me to ask around. Don't fancy asking my friends so here we are
I'm being told this is totally normal and everyone does it, so why shouldn't he.

Not normal.

My dad used to do this. He's dead. He drank himself to death.

@P999 I keep rereading your last post as it resonates so much. It's exactly what I'd been saying to my friends earlier in the day. I don't think it is a disease with him because he can go without and if he doesn't get a drink he doesn't break out into cold sweats and nothing bad happens. He chooses to do it and like you say , shows no remorse

Addiction is a complex beast and it's mostly in the mind. That first drink is absolutely a choice. After that, not so much.

But that means an alcoholic always ends up choosing between the booze and their lives, and it's only once they admit that they cannot have just one or two drinks and then stop that they stand a chance of not ever picking up that first drink.

The alcohol is a symptom of something else, not a cause. In my H's case, it was depression, terminally low self esteem and a complete inability to adapt to life in the 21st century (he was raised very strict and traditional in 1960s America, with 1950s values and mores).

I know only one alcoholic outside my support group who has managed to stop and that's my Dsis' partner who is 10 years sober. And he will always tell you that whatever you call the alcohol addiction, it's 100% on the alcoholic to sort it out and that the alcoholic has no valid excuse to inflict his misery on the people around them because that first drink is always a choice.

It is a disease but he also has a choice and he isn't choosing to engage in any treatment at all.

My DH got mentally unwell, he was horrible to me for a few years. I planned to leave (he had made me very unwell due to his behaviour) he has an epiphany and wanted to make it work. My ultimatum was that he sought help and x y z stopped. My tolerance for that sort of behaviour is zero.

So yep he was ill and he chose not to get help and yep I hold him accountable for that. He chose to get help in the end he got better, things will never be like they were tbh he also knows if it happens again it's over.

If I think about it I'm still sad and angry at the fall out from him refuses to get help for so long. The damage it did to me, to us, the relationship between me and the children because he made me ill. The gaslighting etc caused me to have breakdown and existential crises and I'll never be the same again.

Feel no guilt at ending it he is loud and clear that he has no intention of doing anything about his alcoholism, he may never reach his rock bottom.

On holiday in a hot country at an all inclusive, lager at 10am is fine. Otherwise no, never

@fedup078 seems like you are in a different emotional zone right now and it likely feels very unfamiliar - the reality that he has chosen himself and his addiction over his children and you must be deeply hurtful - but the reality is is that he has always done this.

Your hope that he would change, your massive emotional engagement, preoccupation and overwhelm and efforts to police him, beg him, support and encourage him have been futile. There was a lot of your headspace, time and emotional energy expended in this dynamic and merry-go-round. So what happens now - this is all so unfamiliar you must feel unsettled. You should express the deep sadness that it has come to this, that your efforts and hopes have been extinguished. That’s painful to accept. Once you are through with processing that - it’s important to look to what you now have (or can have) emotional peace, physical calmness and space in your life and head to fill with nice people, activities and more quality time with your DC. Life is much better on the other side. It’s a shame you have to live with him for the next few weeks - can he go to his Mums? Also expect him to be difficult on the day - get his family and friends on board to nudge him along and reach out to your family and friends to make sure you and your DCs are fully supportive over these difficult weeks.

^^ all of this. Perfectly put. Great advice.

Get evidence of amount of alcohol he buys by copying receipts and photograph the empty bottles /cans with time & dated photos

^^ For evidence if there's an argument about custody or location of visitation/whether he can drive the children or be left alone with them.

It's just a small thing but I realised today I'll be able to by myself some nice posh gin and it'll last months instead of mysteriously disappearing quickly
I got gin for Mother's Day last year. Dh spent the entire weekend off his face . It was 2 months after ds was born and 2 months after my mother died . Sorry if I've already mentioned this
The gin 'evaporated' within a week

Go girl! Get some legal advice. You and dc are going to be fine

@fedup078 sending you virtual hugs xx

Why don't you know that it's not normal? That's more odd that your DH being an alcoholic!

Only at the airport going on holiday, or a glass of fizz with breakfast on Christmas/ big birthday/ wedding day.

Sending more hugs, do you have a date for him moving out yet?

@billybagpuss not yet . The other tenants are moving out 31st but then I imagine they'll need to get it cleaned etc

[quote fedup078]@billybagpuss not yet . The other tenants are moving out 31st but then I imagine they'll need to get it cleaned etc[/quote]
Alarm bells ringing for me. The contact should be signed with the date pinned down. The landlord knows exactly how long it takes to clean and turn around (usually it’s the same day - tenants out by 10, cleaners in, new tenants in by 4) - they don’t want to waste rent.

He’s possibly stalling - this might not even be happening. Speak to the agent directly - see the paperwork.

@Sssloou he hasn't signed anything yet just paid the deposit which I know has def been paid as I paid it direct to the ea

That’s good that the first step has been taken - I would keep an eye on it though and keep nudging it along in case he changes his mind or gets cold feet.

Although it is difficult I would suggest not to mourn for what you have lost but rather look forward with hope for what you will be gaining

On a very very occasional day (like Christmas Day some years (like maybe 1 in 5 Christmasses) or a very very special occasion) I might have a small glass of alcohol in the morning.

I almost never have any at lunch - I had a glass with a family lunch for a special gathering when we couldn't do dinner last year, and 1 when a few girls from work took a half day and went for a nice lunch, or the annual staff Christmas lunch.

In fact, it's very unusual for me to have anything before 5 or 6 in the evening. And I would not be a teetotaller by any manner of means. We would often have a glass of wine with dinner a 3/4 times a week, including a bottle on a Friday or Saturday night. Or a G&T before dinner. We are currently having it more like 5/6 nights a week since lockdown started last spring.

DH would sometimes have a beer midafternoon if watching a match. But otherwise very similar to me - not in the mornings, very very rarely at lunch, and generally not starting until at least 5 or 6pm in the evening.

Sorry, I didn't realise it was an older thread and it had moved on in the interim.

Good luck OP.

I used to drink in the morning....wine at 8am.I am now in recovery thank god. Your DH is deluding himself. He has a problem with alcohol..... Sorry.