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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drinking in the morning - everyone does it, right?

555 replies

fedup078 · 07/03/2021 13:38

Even when they have young kids?
Totally normal yes?

Well he's just told me to ask around. Don't fancy asking my friends so here we are
I'm being told this is totally normal and everyone does it, so why shouldn't he.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 09/03/2021 18:08

You have your own real truth - you don’t need this truth diluted or distorted by others is their denial and discomfort.

They are trapping you in your intolerable life for their own ease.

Concentrate on you.

You owe no one an explanation.

Never feel the need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your decisions to yourself or anyone else.

You can move on because you are incompatible or unhappy.

That is enough.

Be confident and trust in YOUR truth and feelings.

Know that being the child of an alcoholic (or any dysfunctional parent) conditions you to ignore and negate your feelings in order to endure an unsafe situation - and you carry this behaviour on into adulthood where it is unhelpful.

You don’t have to have a huge list of atrocities that you have endured for decades (although I suspect you already have)

Original poster
fedup078 · 09/03/2021 18:13

@Sssloou thank you x

I'm really looking forward to having the house how I want when he goes . As well as all the other benefits . But redecorating will be like a nice fresh start

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/03/2021 18:32

Redecorating is a way of taking a place back. After my H moved out, the first thing we did was the whole upstairs, all the bedrooms. The living room was last, we only did that a few weeks ago (we're 3 years down the road) but that's because after 22 years it was such a mammoth task.

Sssloou · 09/03/2021 20:33

Have you got support from others to get him out and keep him out?

Also support for yourself so that you can see this through (Al Anon, therapist, friends) so that it is sustainable and less painful than it needs to be. Often if you have been deprived emotionally in childhood you are not good at asking for and seeking support to resource you.

You deserve support.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2021 23:40

You really really really need to speak to a solicitor ASAP. You need to know if and/or how to get him out/buy him out. You need to know ahead of time what that's going to cost you. Forewarned is forearmed.

It's pretty apparent that he wants to drag his moving out as long as possible so you'll cave or move yourself. You're going to have to become pro-active.

Hepzibar · 10/03/2021 07:23

@fedup078 So it makes it worse that he chooses to do this
Many alcoholics can 'stop' drinking for a period in order to get people off their backs. "See I can't be an alcoholic because I can stop" they can say. My DH did this on many occasions to 'prove' he didn't have a problem. Of course he did, even after 5 stints in rehab, he still drank, on one occasion (the penultimate) he drank on same day!

You know you are an alcoholic when it's costing you more than money.

Detach OP, all you can do is look after yourself and your children, you can't help him until he chooses to help himself.

And remember the alcoholics mantra when he is trying to gaslight you "always somebody else to blame".

Subeccoo · 10/03/2021 07:36

@Singsomethingsimple

My ex-partner drank from about 10 or 11am on a Saturday morning. No kids, so whenever he got up. This would usually be a can of Fosters which he used to tell me "didn't count" because it was "practically water". He wouldn't drink tea or coffee or water because he "didn't like the taste". Lots of gaslighting. I was boring and he absolutely, definitely "was not an alcoholic". My family and friends were delighted when we broke up.
Shock I thought I'd written this comment, I think we were with the same man!!
Original poster
fedup078 · 10/03/2021 08:34

He's got a few flat viewings lined up
We managed to have a civil conversation about going forward this morning
He still had at least a bottle of wine last night though , on a school night (literally)
I really don't think he's even close to the point of coming to terms with his issue even when his whole life is slipping away from him .

OP posts:
AaSaat · 10/03/2021 08:48

My father was an alcoholic and would go missing for days whilst he went on a massive bender. My mum would offload on me, as the youngest, all her worries and fears. Now in my 50's and it has defined parts of my life. If she would have left him then I am sure that parts of me would have been better. What you do is your choice but do not be surprised how much children see and how much affects them as they grow up.

Original poster
fedup078 · 10/03/2021 08:49

@AaSaat I agree. Part of me does resent my dad for leaving me with my mother

OP posts:
Sssloou · 10/03/2021 09:27

You have made a lot of progress if he is now looking at flats to rent.

That means that you are truly on another path now. Watch now that your own emotions of regret, pity etc don’t derail this. Keep focused and keep the momentum up because he will likely flip and flap and promise all sorts of shit. Focus hard on making this happen - get him gone so that you and your DCs can start rebuilding your new calm and peaceful life.

I know it’s hard but keep detaching - it’s irrelevant how much or what he drinks day to day - your comment about the wine last night seems sad and disappointed and indicates that you still have some hope - this hope is misplaced and v dangerous - it is false and is what tricks and traps you to remain in this situation each and every time.

That’s a lot of progress that has been made. Be proud.

Tiddleypops · 10/03/2021 10:06

I totally get the comment about the wine, given the seriousness of the situation he's in and I have also said that exact thing about it would be easier if he'd just go all out and have vodka on his cornflakes about my XH when we were divorcing! Because then people would know your reality and the self-questioning would evaporate (or would it? Would they still manage to twist it somehow - probably!)

My XH only involvement in parenting was to do exactly 50% of the school runs (at his insistence. He was unemployed, and I worked full time). I realise now that it was because this kind of thing keeps up appearances doesn't it?
The longer they can pretend to be functioning, the longer they can get away with drinking. Your H is coasting, and with someone around to clear up after him, it's all the easier for him. Better to leave him to it.

My XH is still in that camp of maintaining appearances. He has a job now and as far as I am aware doesn't have vodka at breakfast time. I suspect he still crashes out shit faced every night and all weekend though and his engagement with life outside work/drink/sleep/repeat is minimal. I am so relieved to not be part of that life anymore. Stay strong and keep coming back OP. It takes a while for your head to catch up with things, you know the rules need to change, but you've lived by them for so long that you're conditioned and it takes some undoing. You are heading the right way Smile

someonelockthefridgealready · 10/03/2021 10:28

You can say the relationship is over for any reason: you do not have to prove that he's been drinking; you do not have to get him to admit to a problem; you do not have to make a convincing case to friends and family. I personally find repeating that useful.

Sssloou · 10/03/2021 10:53

@someonelockthefridgealready

You can say the relationship is over for any reason: you do not have to prove that he's been drinking; you do not have to get him to admit to a problem; you do not have to make a convincing case to friends and family. I personally find repeating that useful.
This is key.

But it is also important that OP recognises that herself being the product of an alcoholic childhood meant that any personal emotional agency was squashed to keep secrets and the dysfunctional merry go round turning - so it’s maybe harder for her to stick to her purpose - as it was “normal” to be negated but now she can learn new emotional skills.

Bellringer · 10/03/2021 11:26

Good luck op, stay strong, cry if you need to

SVRT19674 · 10/03/2021 11:28

Nope. Actually I have this rule that anyone who drinks before 13.30 (prelunch drinks time in Spain) is an alcoholic. But that is just me, I am sure others have other opinions.

Bellringer · 11/03/2021 12:17

Alcoholic is a diagnosis of addiction, not just what anyone here thinks is normal. Op knows what to do, there is support for addicts and families. People lose everything but you have to save yourself if they re not ready

Gobbycop · 11/03/2021 17:35

I'm sure it's already been said but as a shift worker I've had a beer after a nightshift.

I think that's a little different to what's being discussed here though.

SoulofanAggron · 12/03/2021 00:49

Alcoholic is a diagnosis of addiction, not just what anyone here thinks is normal

@Bellringer 'Alcoholic' isn't a diagnosis most professionals use. They would probably count drinking in the morning as a sign of alcohol dependence, though. It's 1am or I'd google the criteria. Smile

AA count it as a sign someone might be an 'alcoholic.' www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/About-AA/Newcomers/Is-AA-for-you

Yep, I don't see a couple of drinks after a night shift as the same. That's more like if anyone had a couple of drinks after work/before bed.

Original poster
fedup078 · 12/03/2021 04:27

Well needless to say he isn't a shift worker , he's a middle management teacher
Though I always knew when my mother had been on night shift as the abusive messages would start much earlier

He's secured himself a flat now so will be moving out in a few weeks

OP posts:
Bellringer · 12/03/2021 07:46

Well done op. Stay strong

Original poster
fedup078 · 12/03/2021 07:52

@Bellringer thanks
I'm really not taking this very well
One minute I'm fine and looking forward to the future and the next I just can't fucking believe this is happening and I'm really struggling to remain civil with him

OP posts:
Bellringer · 12/03/2021 08:00

Not surprising, it's a long road. A kind of betrayal, get support if you can. When he moves you can make plans but there is loss here too. Be well

Frazzled2207 · 12/03/2021 08:16

Hi Op just rtft so sorry you’re going through this and of course you need to do what you’re doing. The best case scenario now is that he does realise the colossal mistake he’s made and sorts himself out and becomes a good father.
Well done for getting this far.
Are the kids ok? Too young to question? If so this is probably a good thing.

Frazzled2207 · 12/03/2021 08:17

When I said too young to question I meant to write too young to remember in the future.

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