Kept up by the cats but I slept through woke up to horrid text

[Thelovecats69]

My husband was up late last night gaming.
When he does this he Skypes his friends and has noise cancelling headphones so ends up loudly chatting/shrieking through them.

Me and DD were having a sleep over in the lounge, or at least trying - my house is small, one level and open plan. Aka you can hear everything.

At 11.30 he pokes his head in and asks me why Iv gone to bed without telling him. I say he was clearly busy and I was tired. Plus we aren’t sleeping in the same bed tonight anyway so why does it matter.

He texts me ‘did you go to bed because you wanted to get out of sex?’

This is half joking half not. He wants sex every night. I don’t. It’s a sticking point at the moment.

He has had a beer and carries on gaming. I eventually fall asleep with my dd. (Shes 4)

DD and I get up in the night to use the loo, I think twice.

I hear dh get up once and shut the cats out , I assume they are being noisy although didn’t hear anything. I do have form for not hearing much whilst I’m sleeping, although that’s because I work full time so when I sleep I SLEEP! My husband stays at home. And apparently hasn’t had a full nights sleep since 2014. 😒

I woke up this morning to the following texts at 6am.

‘If you wake me, I am going to be mad’
‘You have not got up once’
‘Except for a piss.
The WHOLE night’

‘You let the cats in
You are single’

I haven’t woken him up this morning and have shushed dd when she’s started being loud. I came on here as I have no idea what to say or do about this.
When I went to get a drink I opened the kitchen door and the cats ran in, but I chucked them back out into the garden for now.

He's still abusive, just in a slightly different way and he's ramping it up again.
He also doesn't want to be happy with you. He wants you to be as miserable as him.

You know what you should do.

Why should the OP leave though?

How does she go about breaking up with someone who lives with her? Both mentally and actually. She can ask him to go but there is every chance that he won’t. If he stays in the house she won’t be able to get a divorce?

Sweetheart this is no way to live, I am really sorry. Please ring womans aid and get some advice from them,They are so non judgemental and will help you and offer you advice and guidance to break away, You need to do this for you and your little one,You deserve to live a happy fun peaceful life with respect and love,this relationship sadly isnt the right one for you both to thrive in,

@PlayingTheDevilsAvocado

Why should the OP leave though?

How does she go about breaking up with someone who lives with her? Both mentally and actually. She can ask him to go but there is every chance that he won’t. If he stays in the house she won’t be able to get a divorce?

she certainly can get a divorce if he is still there. And if he kicks off about it, she can legally have him removed at that point

If he stays in the house she won’t be able to get a divorce?

Incorrect and quite frankly terrible advice.

Utter Dickhead
Get rid as soon as you can

Jesus fucking Christ! You’re not even 30 and this is your life? Married to a man who doesn’t work, games all night, (which is why he was so easy to wake bye) talks to you like shit and expects sex on tap 🤮 This is so wrong and it’s so messed up that this has become “normal” for you. Why did you marry him? You would be so much happier without this waste of skin.

Op, there's a lot of good advice on this thread. You know you deserve better. You know you MUST do better for your daughter. start making your plans. Happiness is within reach. One small step at a time.

If you stay with him, this is your life until you are lowered into the ground.
What a waste of a human life. And on a cocklodger, of all things.

Also, please do not have another child with him.
I have a feeling that you might, though.

"If he stays in the house she won’t be able to get a divorce?"

What, why on earth not?. Of course she can get divorced.

Many abusive men also as part of their abuse refuse to leave; OP can look into obtaining both occupation and non molestation orders against him.

I would also think it was his idea in the main to live where you now are; isolating the target both socially and emotionally is of importance to the abuser. This man just wants to drag the OP and her child down with him.

You give many excuses for not being able to leave, mum 300 miles away, she has no room, job. School etc
These are just obstacles they’re not a mile high brick wall

"Somethingkindaoooo
Poor cats.

How come they are not allowed in? Where the food and fresh water is?
That's exactly what I took from this story too. The poor cats being put out and not allowed in. If I were those cats,I would found myself a better home."

If that's what you took from this story then you want to get a fucking hold of yourself.

There's a little girl and a woman so isolated that she's 300 miles from her mum and can't drive, being expected to have sex that she doesn't want to by an abusive twat of a man.

OP - you're making excuses (kids school - shes 4, move her). You can go and live anywhere you like, it's the perfect time to go when you're young and not long in your job, she's young and won't even remember the move in a few years. Just go for it.

Would you want this fir your daughter ?

Do it for your daughter, OP.

What she’s seeing now will form the standards she sets for her future relationships.

Sorry, a friend couldn’t get divorced as she was still living with her husband. Even though they had separate rooms.

He is actually abusive. Rapey like another poster put it. He gives you so much grief the next day if you don't have sex, that sex looks like the easy option. He nags about it all day and has somehow managed to manipulate you with his words/behaviour into nightly initiating sex you don't even want to have, presumably so he can say you started it therefore he has consent. It's seriously fucked up. Coercion isn't consent. What does he see you as, some sort of performing sex monkey? He's horrible. LTB for sure.

Chuck him out, let him doss at one of his mates house. You don't rely on him for anything, you work full time, you take care of your DD while he drinks beer does gaming all night, he immature and selfish. You are only 30 and could have your pick of much better men. Be glad you are now single.

What strikes me is that your sense of how your partner should behave is really messed up. My guess is that your self-esteem is extremely low but
also that you've learned (as most of us have - we absorb this throughout our entire childhood/teens/early adulthood) some really crappy rules about what women should put up with in a relationship.

You've been taught to doubt yourself rather than trust what you know to be true. He's probably been taught that women should put out whenever he wants and that it's ok to shame them when they don't. He also instinctively knows that if he exerts enough pressure, says just enough about changing and throws in some guilt about how he'll cope and/or the impact on your DD that you'll doubt yourself enough to let him stay.

Your partner is the one with some seriously messed up ideas about relationships.

Hold onto your instincts about what is right and wrong for you. As you trust yourself more you'll find yourself more able to see a way out. It might take time and planning but your will find your way to a better, happier life.

Be warned though, you finding confidence and your voice is his worst nightmare. He'll try various tricks to maintain the current situation because it works best for him. But when the doubt creeps in remind yourself that his best situation is one where you're miserable, shamed, pestered for sex and threatened. That isn't a loving relationship.

@kereh

If he stays in the house she won’t be able to get a divorce?

Incorrect and quite frankly terrible advice.

It wasn’t advice. It was a question. Hence the question mark.

"Sorry, a friend couldn’t get divorced as she was still living with her husband. Even though they had separate rooms."

Erm, yes she could.

@PlayingTheDevilsAvocado

Sorry, a friend couldn’t get divorced as she was still living with her husband. Even though they had separate rooms.

That’s not true. At all.

I think you know what you have to do OP which is leave.

Why don’t you start by doing the freedom programme and booking an appointment with a solicitor to start planning to divorce, and running women’s aid who offer practical advice re getting shot of abusive partners. No need to mention any of this to him. In the meantime do your best to get him to go back to work.

You aren’t even 30, separating is hard, but a lot easier now than at 40 or 50. Don’t waste your life on this overgrown teenager or let him become your daughter’s idea of what an adult man is.

Well whatever you decide, do it soon before he's declared as the resident parent and keeps your kid with him and you paying maintenance.

Kick him out!

Dump him, he sounds awful. I would make as much noise as possible and when he 'dumps' you. Cheer loudly and do a happy dance. Then gather his things and throw them out.