Kept up by the cats but I slept through woke up to horrid text

[Thelovecats69]

My husband was up late last night gaming.
When he does this he Skypes his friends and has noise cancelling headphones so ends up loudly chatting/shrieking through them.

Me and DD were having a sleep over in the lounge, or at least trying - my house is small, one level and open plan. Aka you can hear everything.

At 11.30 he pokes his head in and asks me why Iv gone to bed without telling him. I say he was clearly busy and I was tired. Plus we aren’t sleeping in the same bed tonight anyway so why does it matter.

He texts me ‘did you go to bed because you wanted to get out of sex?’

This is half joking half not. He wants sex every night. I don’t. It’s a sticking point at the moment.

He has had a beer and carries on gaming. I eventually fall asleep with my dd. (Shes 4)

DD and I get up in the night to use the loo, I think twice.

I hear dh get up once and shut the cats out , I assume they are being noisy although didn’t hear anything. I do have form for not hearing much whilst I’m sleeping, although that’s because I work full time so when I sleep I SLEEP! My husband stays at home. And apparently hasn’t had a full nights sleep since 2014. 😒

I woke up this morning to the following texts at 6am.

‘If you wake me, I am going to be mad’
‘You have not got up once’
‘Except for a piss.
The WHOLE night’

‘You let the cats in
You are single’

I haven’t woken him up this morning and have shushed dd when she’s started being loud. I came on here as I have no idea what to say or do about this.
When I went to get a drink I opened the kitchen door and the cats ran in, but I chucked them back out into the garden for now.

Cats in. Husband out.

Life is surely too short for this?

Does he work? Is he DD's dad?? He sounds irredeemably bad & I'd be making plans for him to leave.

@SoupDragon

rapey

WTF?

Expecting sex and 'joking' about his partner going to bed to 'get out of it' is extremely rapey, don't you see that?

Yeah I thought this might be the response, he has just come in and incredulously asked how on Earth me or dd didn’t hear the ‘live birds flying around the house’

Dd didn’t hear anything either and she’s a light sleeper!

I considered leaving him a few months back but he managed to convince me to stay and seemed to turn his selfish behaviour around.

He constantly nags about sex, but equally never does ANYTHING to encourage me. To give an example - he expects sex at night, but will get into bed and face the other direction. If I go to sleep he will huff that I am an ‘ice maiden’ the next day. Unsurprisingly this doesn’t turn me on at all and I am really disappointed with the sex we DO have. It’s shit.

He doesn’t work, although has worked a small job this week, previously the roles were reversed and I was a SAHM but he lost his job during the first lockdown so I found something to tick us over (as he didn’t look at all and just got stressed about being on UC) it turned into a full time role and he drives me to work and dd to school.

He wasn’t doing ANYTHING else until I had serious chats with him as I was burning out working, cooking, cleaning and having all the mental load. Since then he does 45% of the housework. And did lower his gaming but has begun doing t every night again as there’s ‘nothing else to do’

It’s so confusing as on one hand I keep contemplating leaving but on the other things settle again and feel normal so it feels like I’m the one upsetting the Apple cart (and when he’s ‘down on his luck’ aka jobless, depressed etc.)

At least him saying “get out of sex” is a recognition of sorts that sex with him falls into a category of stuff that’s best avoided if possible . As he’s got that level of insight, take him a few steps further into “I’m getting out of the whole relationship” territory.
Do it today, don’t waste another moment.

@grapewine

I have to agree, I am not yet 30 and feel like life must surely have so much more for me.

He is negative, pessimistic and has given up it feels.

You don’t owe him anything. You don’t need to stay in a relationship that isn’t working because he’s down on his luck. It’s not about that- it’s about the two of you, as a partnership and that doesn’t sound like it is in a good place at all.

What do you want from this thread? You're not actually asking for advice just stating what an absolute arse your husband was. Will you take on board the comments and actually think about making a better life for your daughter and pets or is it just a case of offloading then carrying on in this ridiculous set up?

Have the cats even been fed? Animals can be a nuisance but keeping them locked outside is cruel.

@couchparsnip

He’s saying I am being selfish for not getting up to deal with the cats (bringing mice in) but I’ll get up when i need to - eg, for a wee.

You and your daughter deserve better than this. You are better than this.

If the bar was any lower he'd be an abuser, and he's heading that way anyways with his sex demands ,comments,shitty texts etc.

How much longer can you go on like this? How many more years are you going to sacrifice for a relationship that's frankly dead. I don't even see the love in it, much less respect and partnership.

So the cats brought a bird into the house and he had to deal with it? Is that what he's whinging about?

Oh @Thelovecats69, this sounds awful. I don't know how you're putting up with this. He sounds like a lazy, revolting sex pest. It's not your responsibility to fix his issues and don't stay with him out of pity, you and DD deserve better. If this is what normal life is with him then I seriously would leave. He's had chances and has proven he is not capable of being a decent partner.

Was he drunk? His messages sound like he was absolutely pissed...either way hes a massive dick.

Seriously, what does this useless lump add to your life?

He adds nothing to you life by the sounds of it, you would be so much better off without him. Start making plans.

Good God. He’s sounds like a horny teenager what with the gaming and the pestering for sex. He sounds like an utter arsehole. I couldn’t live like that.

@kereh.

A bit of both I suppose, I just wanted to see what people who aren’t emotionally involved in the situation initial response would be. Overwhelmingly the same - which helps me not feel like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill!

The cats do have an outhouse to go into, with food bowls in. They are also fed twice a day and not hungry. We live in the sticks so nature is abundant! And so they bring all kinds of mice, birds, slow worms and newts in at all hours.
The only option to stop them doing this is to lock the cat flap. They can sleep in the sheltered outhouse.

The man is an arsehole.

You can do better. You deserve better. You'd be happier single, instead of being bullied.

You do need to leave OP, you're living with a perpetual teenager, he doesn't have a job and leaves everything to you? Stuff that, that's no life for you and your daughter, take yourself, your DD and your furry friends and get the hell out of there.

He is abusive towards both you and in turn your DD. He is showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse (the nice part is him promising change) but that is a continuous one. Any change that happens is short term, its an act such men cannot even hope to maintain. They are also apt to giving the non abusive partner, in this case you, spaghetti head.

You have a 4 year old daughter; what do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here from the two of you?. Do you want her to grow up thinking that yes, this is how people treat each other in relationships because she is seeing you, currently at least, accepting this in your home.

I would look at the Freedom Programme online and plan your exit from this marriage with due diligence and legal advice re divorce. Do not remain with such a man purely and only because of your DD; she won't say "thanks mum" to you for doing that.

"To get out of sex"

That wording is so incredibly creepy to me. Like he knows you don't want it but expects you to do it anyway.

Imagine the weight off your shoulders when you are not beholden to this gross excuse for a man

Revolting, just revolting. will he go if you tell him to?

He hasn't slept properly since 2014? Presumably because he stays up late gaming?

I don't really comprehend this. Why you'd stay up and keep a 4yo awake until 11.30pm, because her dad wants to play noisy games in a small house. Is she a deep sleeper, able to sleep through all the disruption?

This isn't a healthy relationship.
Think about what you are teaching your daughter about relationships.

He treats you terribly and you deserve better.