Kept up by the cats but I slept through woke up to horrid text

[Thelovecats69]

My husband was up late last night gaming.
When he does this he Skypes his friends and has noise cancelling headphones so ends up loudly chatting/shrieking through them.

Me and DD were having a sleep over in the lounge, or at least trying - my house is small, one level and open plan. Aka you can hear everything.

At 11.30 he pokes his head in and asks me why Iv gone to bed without telling him. I say he was clearly busy and I was tired. Plus we aren’t sleeping in the same bed tonight anyway so why does it matter.

He texts me ‘did you go to bed because you wanted to get out of sex?’

This is half joking half not. He wants sex every night. I don’t. It’s a sticking point at the moment.

He has had a beer and carries on gaming. I eventually fall asleep with my dd. (Shes 4)

DD and I get up in the night to use the loo, I think twice.

I hear dh get up once and shut the cats out , I assume they are being noisy although didn’t hear anything. I do have form for not hearing much whilst I’m sleeping, although that’s because I work full time so when I sleep I SLEEP! My husband stays at home. And apparently hasn’t had a full nights sleep since 2014. 😒

I woke up this morning to the following texts at 6am.

‘If you wake me, I am going to be mad’
‘You have not got up once’
‘Except for a piss.
The WHOLE night’

‘You let the cats in
You are single’

I haven’t woken him up this morning and have shushed dd when she’s started being loud. I came on here as I have no idea what to say or do about this.
When I went to get a drink I opened the kitchen door and the cats ran in, but I chucked them back out into the garden for now.

And so they bring all kinds of mice, birds, slow worms and newts in at all hours. The only option to stop them doing this is to lock the cat flap. They can sleep in the sheltered outhouse.

PLEASE lock your cats up at night for the sake of the wildlife. They don't need to hunt. Slow worms and newts are protected species.

As for your partner? Leave him, and do the Freedom Programme.

The only thing I'd be putting out and locking the door behind is him.

The cats are a red herring. A reasonable human would react differently. If it wasn’t the cats I’d assume he’d find something to demean and threaten you with. The way he treats you, that is the problem.

He's miserable and inflicting it on you
Slam the door and be as you are
Why tiptoes around someone like that.
Yuck revolting and tell him the sex is shit to really decide where to go or be with him.
Sounds like a old grumpy miserable man
What pleasure do you have in your life living with his ups and downs and shit sex!?!

@kereh

What do you want from this thread? You're not actually asking for advice just stating what an absolute arse your husband was. Will you take on board the comments and actually think about making a better life for your daughter and pets or is it just a case of offloading then carrying on in this ridiculous set up?

Have the cats even been fed? Animals can be a nuisance but keeping them locked outside is cruel.

Super helpful post, this 🙄

Ok. You’re 29, your dd is 4.

NOW is the time to get rid. It really truly is.

Why the hesitation? You don’t want your dd growing up and thinking this is ok do you? You don’t want her to see your marriage and pick that for herself.

You’re the lead tenant and the only earner. Could you afford to stay there/move somewhere smaller and pay for childcare? Look into whether you’re entitled to benefits or not etc (I’m not in the U.K. and I’m guessing you are? So I’m not sure about that.)

You know irrefutably that he won’t change now because this is already his second/hundredth chance. So you know if he bleats about changing, at most it will be for a couple of months.

That’s not the life you want for you or dd is it? If not, change it.

I have never understood why grown men like gaming,? Its a teen / late teens fad. In ref to sex demands tell him to treat himself to a virtual wife experience games cartridge.. 😂

Ugh. What do you see in him?

@Ardvark111

I have never understood why grown men like gaming,? Its a teen / late teens fad. In ref to sex demands tell him to treat himself to a virtual wife experience games cartridge.. 😂

Plenty of adults game and aren’t pricks. That’s hardly the issue. 🙄

[quote Thelovecats69]@couchparsnip

He’s saying I am being selfish for not getting up to deal with the cats (bringing mice in) but I’ll get up when i need to - eg, for a wee.[/quote]
I don't get his point-sorry if it's obvious!

Why would you get up to "deal with" cats that are shut outside?

"‘If you wake me, I am going to be mad’
‘You have not got up once’
‘Except for a piss.
The WHOLE night’

‘You let the cats in
You are single’"

Many people only get up for a wee-doesn't mean that they sleep through!

But that text is so nasty I'd have to leave.

And I hate the word piss so I'd also be revolted by the text.

If you don’t leave. In the future this will be the moment you wish you could go back in time and actually leave. So do it now don’t put it off. It’s not a slope thing - you have to just break it

[quote Thelovecats69]@couchparsnip

He’s saying I am being selfish for not getting up to deal with the cats (bringing mice in) but I’ll get up when i need to - eg, for a wee.[/quote]
I see. You know you're not the selfish one here.
I hope you find the strength to kick him out. Or find a new place to live without him.

He sounds like a nightmare.

Hey I game and I'm a grown woman. Infact something like 55% of gamers are female now (though I think they include mobile games in the stats so that bumps it up a bit).

The issue is that the guy is a selfish fucker about it. It's ok for him to keep op and his daughter up late - but heaven forbid she wake him!

I'd be replying 'The cats stay. You're single'.

Definately need to find a way to get rid op before your young daughter gets into her head that it's ok for men to treat women this way. And once he is gone, make it perfectly clear to her that it isn't and that's why he is gone and that she must never put up with similar shit.

You would honestly be so much happier without this leach in your life. Get rid!

@rainbowstardrops

You would honestly be so much happier without this leach in your life. Get rid!

You would! The two months he was away have proven that to you.

I know it can be tempting to stay in something shit when you don’t have a lot of support around you but that’s no reason to put up with abuse and have your dd grow up in that environment.

You can always make friends and build a network.

You are single
Whoopee! Take him at his word. He is horrible and you and your dd would be happier without him. Take the cats, too.

Super helpful post, this 🙄

Well it is, actually.

It's a valid question. OP may feel better for a while while hundreds of posters tell her he's an arse and she's right to be upset. It's not going to change anything though is it, because as she's already said he's behaved in an abusive way previously and then things have gone back to normal.

I'm asking OP to consider whether she wants to make a change this time for the good of her, her daughter and her pets.

Leaving an abusive partner is incredibly daunting. I would like OP to take strength from this thread and make the break. Unfortunately I think things will blow over and she will stay because she's not asking for advice on how to leave.

Is he named on the tenancy ?

Woah woah woah... your husband texted you that?!

Jesus Christ. You have to start making moves to leave.

Oh and the expecting sex but showing no indication of wanting it in bed then berating you for not initiating- I had an ex who did exactly this. Exactly!

You need to leave. He is an absolute bastard.

I want to come back and read on this post that the OP has left him and is so much happier

Please please leave him there is nothing redeeming and you are so so young

Yet another post from a woman who is leading an unhappy life living with a controlling pig of a man.
It is easy for posters to say leave him when the OP sees no way out and is lacking support as they are quite isolated from everyone.
You are only 30 and have your whole life ahead of you and no this kind of behaviour is not normal or acceptable.
Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Make plans to leave.

No one who loved and cared deeply for you would treat you like this. Saying you love someone, and caring about them ‘sometimes’ does not mean he loves you (in the right way at least)
You deserve someone who loves you completely, treats you at all times with care and respect. Adores you, and you adore them.
That person is out there for you OP.
You need to plan to move on, as hard as that might be.
Plan to be on your own for a while and in time, you will meet the proper love of your life who treats you with kindness.

You need to move on from this ten year old “partner” 🤦‍♀️

Op, you don't need us to tell you what's wrong with your marriage, you know already. Clearly you'd be happier just with your DD and now your eyes are opened there's no going back. @AttilaTheMeerkat always has good, practical advice, I'd take it and move on with your life