Kept up by the cats but I slept through woke up to horrid text

[Thelovecats69]

My husband was up late last night gaming.
When he does this he Skypes his friends and has noise cancelling headphones so ends up loudly chatting/shrieking through them.

Me and DD were having a sleep over in the lounge, or at least trying - my house is small, one level and open plan. Aka you can hear everything.

At 11.30 he pokes his head in and asks me why Iv gone to bed without telling him. I say he was clearly busy and I was tired. Plus we aren’t sleeping in the same bed tonight anyway so why does it matter.

He texts me ‘did you go to bed because you wanted to get out of sex?’

This is half joking half not. He wants sex every night. I don’t. It’s a sticking point at the moment.

He has had a beer and carries on gaming. I eventually fall asleep with my dd. (Shes 4)

DD and I get up in the night to use the loo, I think twice.

I hear dh get up once and shut the cats out , I assume they are being noisy although didn’t hear anything. I do have form for not hearing much whilst I’m sleeping, although that’s because I work full time so when I sleep I SLEEP! My husband stays at home. And apparently hasn’t had a full nights sleep since 2014. 😒

I woke up this morning to the following texts at 6am.

‘If you wake me, I am going to be mad’
‘You have not got up once’
‘Except for a piss.
The WHOLE night’

‘You let the cats in
You are single’

I haven’t woken him up this morning and have shushed dd when she’s started being loud. I came on here as I have no idea what to say or do about this.
When I went to get a drink I opened the kitchen door and the cats ran in, but I chucked them back out into the garden for now.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thankyou, I have noted that (the freedom programme) you are not the first to advise that.

He has been abusive in the past which I ignored, I have had so much going on the last few years it all just felt easier to ignore and get on with. I spoke to my mum recently and she reminded me of a time I was late to be picked up by him (I can’t drive) and he shouted at me in the street. She said it was the most shocking thing she’d ever seen but I’d just ignored it completely as I thought I was being more mature in not acknowledging the dreadful behaviour.

Since then I can’t get past that happening. It was years and years ago and I’d been holding baby dd in my arms. It feels ridiculous to NOW be upset by it but at the time I was so embarrassed I just wanted to forget it.

I am aware I sound a total fool right now. :(

The sex thing is gross and disturbing. Obviously. Why are you going along with lots and lots of terrible sex that you don't enjoy?

He's awful. Get your ducks in a tow as the saying goes. Is the house mortgaged/rented? In joint names?

Basically you are giving into sex for a quiet life, you don't even enjoy it, or enjoy the daytime with him.

I am not one for calling time on a relationship just for the sake of it, but honestly you must see that this isn't a nice relationship and he's not a nice man. He doesn't care about you as a person, just as a receptacle or outlet for his sexual desires, and as soon as you don't give in like usual, he's mean and nasty and threatening to you (you'll be single).

Be single, do what he says, you will be so much happier in your little house with just your dd. He's awful and I don't say that lightly.

you're not a fool OP! Many of us here have married losers at some point in our lives, the trick is to shake him off and get free.

He just sounds worse and worse. So let me get this straight, he wants someone to facilitate his gaming by looking after everything else, not only be willing to have shit sex, but also wait for him and entice him into the sex you don't want? DON'T ACCEPT THIS FOR ONE MORE MINUTE. Tell him to piss off and to grow up. And to leave.

He has been abusive in the past which I ignored

He's still abusive. Maybe it presents differently than in the past, maybe you've learnt to preempt him, but he's still abusing you. None of this is OK or normal.

Immature, lazy, gaming all night instead of looking for a job, sexually manipulative, sends abusive texts, rude.

He sounds like a complete prick.

Your 4 yr old deserves better, and so do you.

Unfortunately the abuse isn't in the past you have just gone along with it to try to appease him- look what happens when you don't 'give him sex' one night of the week, he turns nasty, that IS abusive, he doesn't have the right to own your body every day of the week. This is quite upsetting to read.

I think everyone around you including your mum would breathe a sigh of relief if you split up and would help you build a new and better life.

Can you move in with your mum or your mum move in with you and give you driving lessons?

Get him out as fast as you can.

Can you go to your Mum?

@Thelovecats69
You are very far from a fool. He’s the fool. Are you close to your mum?
Could you go there?

Get out while you are still young and ignore any improvements, he will make temporary changes to keep you there
Your cats should really be locked in at night to protect wildlife. Most killing is done at dusk and dawn and keeping them in gives wildlife a chance. Mine didn't like it at first but they have got used to it. After their last feed they are in to stay

@Somethingkindaoooo

Poor cats.

How come they are not allowed in? Where the food and fresh water is?

That's exactly what I took from this story too. The poor cats being put out and not allowed in. If I were those cats,I would found myself a better home.

It's 100% clear you shouldn't be with him. Awful, disgusting man. Can you list reasons why you are with him?

Your mum knows the score OP, listen to her.

"Get out of having sex" is so loaded with wrong, forget the rest of the cats/text bollocks....it implies:

• sex is an obligation you need to fulfill
• if you're sharing a bed with him, the obligation is there
• it implicitly acknowledges it is not a pleasure for you, but you "should" do it anyway
• you sleeping somewhere else to "get out of it" is not unnoticed by him, he's "caught you out" and is therefore (re)establishing a position of power over you (you thought you could escape the obligation, but I see you, and - implied - you can't)

Fully understand why PP refer to this as rapey.

You're not even 30 OP, get the hell out and enjoy the rest of your life without this arsehole.

People should be in a relationship because it makes them happy. Of course none are absolutely perfect, but when it comes to the time the bad bits outweigh the good bits, then you should get out.

I think your scales shifted a long time ago.

Was about to call him a cocklodger but maybe he isn't if he worked until the first lockdown. Is he looking for work.

You’re not a fool! It sounds like he’s totally skewed your perception of normality and how bad his behaviour is. There’s so many parts to your posts that are just dreadful on his part but it sounds like you’ve become numb to it. The boiling frog analogy is very apt.

You wanted outside perspectives and i don’t think a single person reading this would feel anything other than baffled at some things (why on earth would he be angry you didn’t wake up, for a start) mixed with horror at his abusive behaviour.

This is very sad you and your DD basically sleeping on the floor so he can shout and game and drink beer. Then he’s hoping he will decide it’s time for bed and sex in the small hours and there you will be patiently waiting in the bed.
Can you picture you and DD and the cats in a nice little place somewhere? Safe happy lovely bedtimes no one to tiptoe around or wait to see what little thing has unhinged him and dread it.
He’s awful. You are lovely and I know it’s more complicated than just leaving but actually it doesn’t have to be.
You could go quietly and slowly and speak to your family find somewhere to bunk first.
I would have that different life in my head as a goal for 6 months time.

I can’t go to my mums, she lives 300 miles away and doesn’t have the space for two extras (or even one extra!) She lives on a caravan site for context and it has restrictions.

My job and dds school is here too, I don’t have any friends or family here, at least no one I know well enough to help out.

That’s why dh doesn’t work, as I was in the same situation (although slightly worse not being able to drive) and only able to work 10-2 as no after school clubs and needing to be here for dd. He has managed to find a few short term jobs but he works in a field that is v well paid, so it works in a way!

We rent our home. I am the lead tenant.

Please leave him, he sounds absolutely dire, he's an entitled sex pest, rude, lazy etc Do you want your dd to have this as her most important male role model?

For context I'm not going to talk about my dh but 15 year old ds.
He speaks to me with respect, is kind and caring and contributes to the household by doing chores etc He loves staying up late gaming but it never impacts on the rest of the family and he would modify his habit if I told him it did!
He's 15 op.

You don’t sound like a total fool, OP. You’re exhausted by the demands of work, motherhood and, above all, your selfish lazy cocklodger of a husband.

He sounds a hopeless case. His rudeness and aggression alone would make me leave him. Do you want DD to grow up thinking women just have to accept this?

@ilovebagpuss love your username :)

And yes I daydream about our own little place quite often. Dh worked away for two months last year and we were so happy and content. This was when I realised I wanted change, it’s all slowly coming to me and I’m realising I want/deserve and need better.

Of course it’s easy to say and much harder to put into action, especially when you have only ever been used to abusive cycles so it can feel normal and scary to think of change. And exhausting. :(