March 2021 Well we took you to Stately Homes thread

[Sicario]

It's now March 2021, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Picking up from previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4030633-September-2020-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread?pg=40

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
December 2017 - November 2018
November 2018-May 2019
May-August 2019
August-October 2019
November-December 2019

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Curtains my friends' mums seem normal!

Olive
My main issue is I still feel guilty, I don't know how to move past that. I guess I feel sorry for her too.
Yes, yes, yes. I think so many Narc’s children feel the same. Maybe because we’re “normal” we can’t believe they would behave in the way they do for no reason, so we assume it must be something we’ve done. Look as we may, we can’t think what it is, but it must be something. Over the years we accept that it must be our fault plus there is that little bit of us that senses the damaged psyche within them to feel sorry for.

BUT the more you read others’ stories you will begin to believe that it never was you, but her. There is a pattern to narcissism and the more you recognise your parent’s behaviour in others, the more you realise it is a disorder with recognised “symptoms”. In this case love doesn’t cure all, sadly. It’s used, shredded and chucked in the bin.

The guilt I recognise in spades! Emotional blackmail, guilt tripping, my mother was an adept. I used to think of her as a two-year old in a grown up body, with all the cunning and guile accumulated to enable her manipulations. It was as though all through my early life we were fighting to be the child and she always won. Thereby pushing responsibility onto me. Is this familiar to you? Most two-year olds mature eventually, but if she hasn’t by now, I doubt she ever will.

So cut your losses Olive. Think of the people close you you who will suffer if you suffer. The emotional exhaustion of treading on eggshells around your NM means you have less to give those who are so much more deserving. Think of it this way. You have given her chance after chance after chance and each time she has thrown it back in your face probably thinking you’re the fool. And yes occasionally they can be really sweet and generous but the minute you relax - BOOM they’re off again.

Morning!
I’d like to reiterate the point about narcs and depression. It is because they’re angry. They don’t seem to have any other mood than angry.

Hopefully, The Hag’s days here are numbered. She was horrific on Monday when she realised all the nice behaviour and manipulation of Mr Monkey by pretending to be “Nice Mother” wasn’t going to shift our intention to get her out of house. She became vile and had every single reason for not going home. You can’t argue with toxic.

I can’t even remember the ins and outs as Tuesday (yesterday) was exhausting. I was trying to balance multiple work projects including an emergency whilst sorting out social services.

Last minute call which I wasn’t expecting from them for me to go to her flat. I get to her flat and they surprise me: they want to test the adjustments with her. She’s at our house getting dressed and there’s no way MM can get her dressed and back to her flat, she would be HORRIFIC.

I have a complete meltdown citing my increasingly poor mental health (I have bipolar) and social services agree to come to our house to assess her with some trolly and chair. Of course she can use them perfectly well, whether she will use them when she goes back to Hag Towers remains to be seen, and they will be a constant source of conflict. In front of social worker and care assessor, she’s lovely for an hour and then they go. And then it’s back to hell. Although pre social workers, I’d had porridge gate where she wouldn’t eat her breakfast at the table so I cooked it, left it in the microwave and left it to MM to sort out. This was my punishment for Monday when we made it perfectly clear she was going home.

The moment the door closed, it started.

It was lunchtime and she wanted Mr Monkey who was mid huge meeting to make her a sandwich and why couldn’t we sit down and eat with her? Because we’re both Fucking working and I ensure every evening has a meal where we all eat together. (And I inject heroin into my eyeballs) We can’t do happy fucking families round a table at breakfast or lunchtime because we don’t have time and we don’t even do this when we’re both working from home in normal circumstances.

So, I make the Hag a sandwich and we have the following gates: salad (not enough), coleslaw (there isn’t any) and houmos (I didn’t put enough of it on). I go upstairs to work and I hear her complaining to MM and he makes her another sandwich. Which she leaves.

Then I get to work. It’s the afternoon - MM helps her up the stairs to the loo and I hear the words that I hear so often outside my office door: is monkey asleep? No, Monkey is working very hard to pay the fucking mortgage for the house over your son’s head and where your carcass is currently making our happy home a place of abject misery. Oh, and where you would love to live.

I go downstairs to get something later on and then it’s “can you show me those things the carers mentioned to help me in my flat?” The things she didn’t want to look at earlier. “No, I’m working but we can do it later.” “I’m only asking”.

These things sound really trivial but they are so spiteful and done so insidiously. She screams at MM and I don’t get this as much, I get the spite. BTW, this isn’t dementia (try explaining this to someone who doesn’t have an abusive elderly parent), she has been like this all her life.

Then I get MM to show her the adjustment stuff after work and it’s deliberately made painful as she is “confused”.

MM and my deal is that I do all the social services stuff and he does taking her up and downstairs, supervising her having a wash and TBF deals with the majority of the screaming.

Hopefully, the end is in sight as after the social worker saw my meltdown, he’s put us to the front of the queue. I’m absolutely exhausted by her.

And she keeps saying “well, I won’t be able to go home with this broken arm”. “We’ll have to see what the hospital says”

No, you WILL be going home. And soon. That’s why I’ve moved heaven and earth to get a care package into place for you.

@Veronica12345

Thank you - yes definitely familiar, fighting to be the child sounds like a very appropriate way to describe the relationship. Although I have tried to accept my role as the adult in the relationship, and have attempted to treat her like the child for some years now, nothing changes her actions. There are just so many things over the years that she has done, it's too much now.

DH is starting to get frustrated and just doesn't understand why I seemingly dwell on what he thinks is an easy decision to go NC. So what you said about thinking about the people around me, makes a huge amount of sense. Having children has significantly changed things for me. I can't put them through this. But also feel sad as I know particularly my first daughter has brought a lot of joy to NM. However I also can't help but anticipate that DD will become another tool for NM to use in her behaviours. By taking that relationship away from her it adds to the guilt, but I know I need to remember I'm protecting my children from her.

@OliveBlue

Protect yourself and your family. That’s your priority. Narcs don’t change. Take care and try to junk the guilt.

OliveBlue

re your comments in quote marks:-

"But also feel sad as I know particularly my first daughter has brought a lot of joy to NM".

This is because your DD is a fresh source of narcissistic supply to her.
The love kids tend to have for grandparents makes them never ending sources of narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is the attention, love, admiration, or even fear and hatred that non-narcissists show towards them. A narcissistic individual needs narcissistic supply to keep their false self in place.

"However I also can't help but anticipate that DD will become another tool for NM to use in her behaviours".

Correct. She will indeed use your child to get back at you. Also she will harm your child emotionally in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed.

"By taking that relationship away from her it adds to the guilt, but I know I need to remember I'm protecting my children from her".

You will indeed be protecting your child from her if you all stay away from her. She does not need her grandmother emotionally manipulating her, she needs emotionally healthy grandparents. Your mother has not changed since your own childhood, remember this too.

@OliveBlue @AttilaTheMeerkat it’s staggering to me where narcs can get their narcissistic supply from. It is about protecting yourself from abuse and your child, too.

The Hag ignores her grandchildren for the most part as she sees her daughter in law as a rival for her golden child son’s love. There is no love as he was a physically, sexually and emotionally abusive shit who has disappeared. But at times she does use them as narc supply. Funnily enough, there’s been a lot of have they asked after me recently? She generally doesn’t give a fuck.

Realising the caretaker at her flat was a narc supply is the best discovery yet. She completely kicked off when Mr Monkey told her that “no, Kevin hadn’t been asking about her.” She couldn’t believe he didn’t ask and kept asking the same question. She flipped from the “nice” game to utterly toxic in a second.

It brought it home to me just how damaged narcs are. And how everybody is a target.

I’ve just washed the hag’s hair and it’s time for a Bloody Mary and 50 Marlboro lights.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Thanks - very reassuring and makes complete sense.

Since the last kick off she has played the ignoring role and stopped messaging me, so I've taken the opportunity to block her on the only message service she could contact me on (already blocked every other way). Otherwise I just feel I'm waiting for another torrent of messages of the normal "you've proven how selfish you are" (usually a lot worse than that) I feel she will be brewing her next move and why should I sit and wait for it. Of course in her opinion, I'm the uncaring daughter who is ignoring her.

With going NC comes the risk of her contacting either my father or DH - DH I'm not worried about, he will likely tell her where to go or just ignore her himself. Dad doesn't know the half of things as I stopped talking to him about her as he doesn't need the stress.

I'll also expect to receive post from her, at some point when she realises she is blocked. I guess if I prepare myself for it, it won't come as a surprise.

@MonkeyfromManchester

Absolutely right about gaining narcissistic supply. But it's always a game isn't it. She will be interested one minute and then not the next. My daughter is still small and I know when I was small I was interesting to her, when I got a bit older much less so. It'll only be the same story.

Monkey, you are doing brilliantly. The Jekyll and Hyde act is very common – one set of behaviours for health workers and social workers, and the other set for you and MM. It’s enough to drive you insane.

OliveBlue, going NC is very very difficult and definitely takes a significant toll on you emotionally. Breaking behavioural patterns is always hard, particularly when those patterns and expectations have been programmed into you from an early age. I think that men have different attitudes towards, and perceptions of, these behaviours. They are programmed differently to us. Sounds like your DH doesn’t want to hear any more about it, and that’s rough, but not unexpected.

There is lots of support here on this thread. And Atilla is right about narc supply. Kids are like lambs to the slaughter for a narc.

Absolutely right about gaining narcissistic supply. But it's always a game isn't it. She will be interested one minute and then not the next. My daughter is still small and I know when I was small I was interesting to her, when I got a bit older much less so. It'll only be the same story.

So true and don’t you forget it! Please try not to feel guilty. Count up on the fingers of one hand when she has ever been selfless. And then list your tally - huge am I right? There has to be at least a little reciprocity in relationships. Your DH has your back, she doesn’t and if he is getting restive about it you need to really think about backing off.

And don’t worry that you are all she has. Narcs have a marvellous ability to look after number one and if she’s left on her own it will be her choice because SHE KNOWS IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BAD! So try not to be manipulated.

So easy to say and so hard to actually do, but baby steps Olive. The worse you feel the more it means you are a good person but as we are saying you have to think of the people that really deserve the whole you, rather than the bit that’s left after sacrificing your peace of mind to her.

Monkey
I’ve just washed the hag’s hair and it’s time for a Bloody Mary and 50 Marlboro lights.
You are a saint and I hope you get rid of her very soon!

One of the things that's recently convinced my dp we need to start going LC is the fact that they're losing interest in our dd now she's a young teen. I also gave examples of how they don't celebrate her achievements and how toxic that was for me as a child never getting any recognition. They're jealous of things going well and quite critical of any success of anyone. They don't even fake a 'well done that's fantastic news' which all of us have to do sometimes. With my dm this is certainly in part autism as well as other emotional issues.

I'm fairly convinced her mother my Dgm was also emotionally absent, wouldn't go as far as saying NM but perhaps. And yes I have definitely been her Nacissistic supply ... and thjs has enraged my dm. She was turned on me throughout my life about this. She even asked me to not invite dgm to my wedding. It was a very small wedding by choice and so I agreed. That really hurt my dgm. It was 15 years ago but I still feel bad about it. I did it to make my dm happy. She claimed Dgm would take over the day and they wouldn't have fun. When I write it down it really is quite F*kd up...

@Veronica12345

*Monkey I’ve just washed the hag’s hair and it’s time for a Bloody Mary and 50 Marlboro lights.* You are a saint and I hope you get rid of her very soon!

Agree!!!

Having DC also changes things for me. The last text contact I had was last month after middle DC showed me a reply they'd had from their DGM. DGM had text several times asking for DC's company to a local ice-cream parlour (stayed open as it also sells groceries) and Middle DC replied that we stick to strict lockdown and that a future ice cream would be nice when things ease. DC added "I hope you and cat are well" and DGM had replied with her ongoing health updates.

This pissed me off considerably - no way is that woman going to do the same with DC that she did with me - so the only contact I've had in months was a text from me - told her to stop telling a child about health issues. Unsurprisingly, there's been silence ever since.

With Mother's Day fast approaching, I've decided that the DC can send a DGM card and small gift but there'll be nothing from me. First time ever, but I'll feel a hypocrite for sending anything. She's said some staggeringly awful things this last year - even by her usual standards, and those things cannot be unsaid. No doubt it will be another stick to beat me with at a stored-up opportunity, but hey, I'll just add it to the list.

Hi all,

I have been reading and keeping up to date though haven’t posted for a while. Like many of you, Mother’s Day looming does always bring up uncomfortable feelings.

M is such a difficult person and through this thread I have started to recognise more & more behaviours. I’ve started to wonder is it more common that the eldest child is the scapegoat?

I am the scapegoat in my family and DH is in his - we seem to be surrounded by dysfunctional, toxic people, joy! Both sets of parents are divorced and seem to all be selfish, self centred baby boomers. Genuinely, not 1 of them could give a shit about us, they have no interest what so ever.

None of them offer to help or take any interest in DD. Something I am now glad about and can see the benefits in keeping her away from their toxic behaviour.

My F has moved on with Step-m and will basically just do whatever she tells him or she wants, he doesn’t seem to have a mind of his own, though manages to be a father to my half siblings and be involved with their children.

M is a nightmare, very awkward and difficult person, no friends, has a flavour of the month friend for a time and then will inevitably fall out. She speaks to no one in her family and doesn’t have a relationship with her youngest child, my B though they are probably both similar in their selfish behaviour which is why they can’t get along. I have been parentified from a young age and with F not being present was constantly responsible for B. I was verbally and physically abused by her, even being punished for things B did because I “shouldn’t have let him” do whatever crap he chose to do. She never hugged, kissed me or told me she loved me, she’s never given me a compliment in my life. Yet being the only person left in her life I am expected to care for her and look after her. I am pretty LC with her and keep her at arms left. She regularly attempts to hoover and I’ve been sucked in so many times but now am wary and doing my best to continue to keep her at a distance. It still makes me sad but I can’t change it or make my parents care, I just need to continue to try to get past this and find a way to deal with it.

MIL is a classic narc, and SIL (her DD) is morphing into her, MIL with spend time with SIL’s DD (our DN) but not ours, she doesn’t even hide it. She speaks to us about the time she spends with her so proudly and in front of our DD which is hurtful to her as she is getting older. She will ask DD a question and I swear my DD can speak for maybe 2 mins before MIL will jump in and say “oh, DGC likes that too, she got a new outfit for it, it’s purple with silver stars and...” it could literally be any subject and she will hijack what my DD is saying and make it about DN. Our DD has even commented on it once or twice. We distract and try to keep her away from the situation as much as possible. She’s not really interested in DD so it’s quite easy but it’s still hard when we do see her.

Then there’s FIL he disappeared when DH was young and they eventually got back in touch. He’s just a selfish person and it’s all about him. DH sought him out and found him as a teenager, FIL now comments that “he wouldn’t change a thing” which DH finds hard and since becoming a father understands the behaviour even less.

Sorry for the rant, I just sometimes wonder how we can be surrounded by so many selfish, self centred people. I’d love even one of them to be a decent person, it still surprises me how they all behave, though it really shouldn’t.

BlackAlys

re your comment:-
"With Mother's Day fast approaching, I've decided that the DC can send a DGM card and small gift but there'll be nothing from me".

Good on you for yourself not sending anything to your toxic mother. You do not owe her anything; let alone a relationship here.

I have to ask why you've decided on that approach re your DC. They to my mind should not send anything to her either as this woman is not their mother.

Do not further subject either yourself or your kids to any and all emotional manipulation from her. You've had to tell her to back off already; they sending her a card will just invite more crap behaviour from her because its also a response.

OliveBlue

If you do receive any post from your mother shred it without opening it. Any "gifts" she sends you (such are always loaded with obligation so are not gifts at all) should also be disposed of. Do not acknowledge any of it.

Radio silence from you needs to be maintained; what she is looking for is a response and that to such disordered of thinking people is the reward.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you have a point. I think I'm not prepared for the fall-out this will cause and the shit-storm from a sibling. The v v v LC has been a bold move for me this year - baby steps still I suppose.

I will not ever trust her to not try the shit she did with me as a child, with my own DC. The older and more independent they get, the more I'm wary. She pisses money like there's no tomorrow so I'd not be surprised with grand gestures like a car for a birthday (for example) but that will come with strings. I'm constantly vigilant.

Thank you for always being that voice of balance. This journey will only end with her passing despite my always telling myself "It will be different when I'm 18/25/30/when I'm married..." and even saying that fills me with guilt and some treachery. She has trained me well.

@Sicario DH definitely does have different attitudes towards it all, he's a lot more black and white but he comes from a family which is "normal", parents both lovely caring people. He doesn't tolerate NMs behaviour, even the smallest comments she's made he says are not ok (but to me I've lived with it and wouldn't even have picked up some things he would mention)...

I went NC for 6 months once, by my choice, and a year once by her choice. I have experienced the emotional toll, but I remember last time I felt like life was simpler. Generally have maintained low/ very limited controlled contact otherwise. That's part of her latest issue - it's like she realised that I was controlling our contact. Covid has actually been a great way to manage and limit contact with her.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Thanks - I'll do that. It's usually been contact by post in the past during NC times so that's why I'm expecting that.

The other thing she will do is have some kind of emotional breakdown and become desperate for help with something - some kind of house emergency or health emergency that in the past I've felt I had to respond to, as I'm the only one she has/had left.

@BlackAlys

I completely relate to you saying it will only end when she passes. I've thought this so many times.

Also mine is exactly the same with money.

I'm the only one she has left
Yes 'but you're all I've got' this is a very difficult one, the reason they have no one left is because everyone else quite sensibly distanced themselves because they were so awful,
you, the unfortunate over whose eyes she was able to pull the wool, are now left carrying the can. Ergo, they have done a number on you.
The lesson is plain to see, do not linger with these types, get the hell out of dodge as soon as you recognise them... do not be the last one standing.
the covid pandemic provides great cover to institute practices which you would like to continue in the future

@Notmenottoday just wanted to say that I understand your situation. It's very hurtful when all relatives are toxic. We are similar to you. We don't have siblings in our life either (geography but also of our combined, only 1 is decent. 1 is so bad they've been recently sectioned) Very jealous of others with this network. Does make us wonder what we've done to deserve this. Our poor dc don't have those significant relatives to love and cherish them either.

We have to make our own happy families. Been aware of this for years but 2021 is the time I start proactively doing this.

[quote OliveBlue]@BlackAlys

I completely relate to you saying it will only end when she passes. I've thought this so many times.

Also mine is exactly the same with money. [/quote]
She inherited a huge amount which she squanders on utter shit. The boot of my car is full with bags of useless items that she piles on my DC at Christmas. They look quite hopelessly at it all and have now given up saying "buy one nice thing would be enough". She does it every fucking year. It's a burden on me and a huge waste of someone else's hard - earned cash.

She also calls me in "an emergency". It's like a script.